Lost?

There was a time, when I had a lot of fun on this app. I made friends. They weren't only friends. They were my life.

But now when everything is gone, I am suddenly wondering, what kind of friend was I? And.. what kind of girlfriend was I? I mean... how can I live my life so happily and normally and even dream so big and high - when someone I deeply cared about once, died?

It's been around a year that he died. The friend group broke. Everything crumbled. Yet... I opened this app again and writing chat stories and even trying to fulfill my silly bucket list of creating a 'mangatoon group'?? What kind of person am I even?

Those good memories will stay. But what about the strength of our friendships? What about it? When he is not in this world, and his best friend is living in such trauma because of that incident. How come I am the one living in happiness? Does that make me a bad person? I hope the best for him but.. suddenly I feel like I am a bad person. Am I? But I am a dreamer. Should I stop working on my dreams and my life?

Roy I am sorry. I could have treated you better. I still hope your soul rest in peace.

Hans, you were a good friend. A better friend than I could be. That's why you still suffer from what happened to him. I moved on too fast didn't I?

Ayu, I am sorry for those pranks. I know that you won't forgive me.

Yuyu... I still talk to you but :) don't you feel like it's all so strange?

Yuki, I am sorry for whatever I did that made you feel the way you felt.

Itsuki, I don't really know why you wrote what you wrote before leaving. When I watched your post story, I saw that. I know that you weren't lying when you lied about your illness right? You just got frustrated at all of us and left , right?

Weiss, I was just reading your old comments , of you calling me oldie sis. They were funny and made me laugh. Thank you for being a Part of my life.

I know that all of you left, and none of you will come across this post story ever. But for some reasons, I still wanted to say that. I will cherish the memories I had with you all. I know everything messed up. Partly, I am to blame. The fact that my wounds are healed related to what happened with all of us, makes me feel weird about myself. It's as if.. I am a bad friend?

I don't really know what else to say. Maybe... After some more days, I will be alright and stop feeling bad about myself and suddenly blaming myself for all that happened? Will I start working for my dreams again? Did you all forgive me in your hearts?

.....