No matter how I try to get out of this -- or perhaps I haven't been trying that much either-- I don't seem to get out of it . Sometimes it feels like, I was just born to please them. My parents aren't strict either. They are at least, not as strict as other parents are. That's why-- my classmates and my other ex friends never seemed to understand why I make a big deal-- when my parents are such nice parents. Sometimes I wondered too-- am I overreacting? Maybe I am. But what seems to make other kids completely chill about it -- like parents telling you to study, parents not letting you do what you want to do in life (at least not fully), parents not understanding you.. all of these things, seems perfectly normal to other kids. They can take it so well. But why can't I? Sometimes I feel like it's a blessings. Because I don't have to be like the other kids. What's so good about living the life in terms of others? But other times, I feel like-- is it that I am not strong enough?
In the meantime, what worries other kids, like grades -- doesn't seem to worry me that much.
I always tell myself that I have a dream. In order to achieve that dream, I have to live this life. I must live it. I have something to really tell the world. I wanna help the world. But is that really what I want? What if what I really want is to be understood? What if my real dream is just to go into a forest and live in the woods with a group of friends that I can really call them 'family'?
It's not that my parents are bad or something. I already told you, they seem the most chill out of the other parents. But then why again, do I feel like I have been living within the four walls?
This isn't the first time my parents didn't seem to understand me. They don't and sometimes apologize too-- but then again they go back to their previous form. It's like a roller coaster. Our family is weird. They argue at little stuffs, which would seem really trifle. Sometimes I also do that with them. Maybe that's a generational trauma? But what if I don't want to do that? What if I want to live a different life?
There are various types of roller coasters. I am not the type to enjoy the happiness of life only. Actually I do like roller coasters. It makes my heart beat fast, and I like it. I like the happiness and sadness and all the other stuffs that comes with it. Roller coasters in love, feels romantic to me honestly. But my roller coaster feelings towards my parents -- on whether I should stay or leave -- I don't like it. By staying or leaving-- I don't literally mean leaving or staying with my parents. I mean in abstract sense. Staying is -- still thinking of my parents as part of my family and despite of the differences, living in harmony with them and leaving means -- still staying at their house-- just not thinking of them as my parents but thinking of them as general human beings. That's kinda rude, and for others, they haven't done anything that bad , for me -- to consider them like that-- but as I said , I am different from the other kids.
To be honest. I am not even a kid. I am 19. But I am still like a kid here. I am more matured than my parents and a lot other people on the way I think-- even though they don't seem to realize or get that - that is the truth. Sometimes I feel like, I have to be matured. I have to act more matured. If my parents are immature, at least I have to be matured. Only then I can get out of it.
But, what if I don't wanna be matured? What if I just want to get out of the four walls of my parent's house?? What if I just want to go see the outside world? I am not homeschooled, but still it feels like I am homeschooled. What if I just want to be free?
