White light flashes,all our memories replay, all smiles and laughters...
Suddenly the picture went off, nostalgia and desparetness fills the voidness...
Maybe I deserve this?
Maybe love is a sin?
For a long time, I thought it was all my fault. Young, stupid and above all naive. Last few months ago, while we were still in love(or was it really love?) I had looked straight in your eyes. Same feelings, you and me and the last benches of our classes where we sat together building beautiful memories. You said the same words, in the same way, in the same tone with the same look in your eyes, and me? Well, I chose to hear them again, believe them again, feel them again and love you again. But now, while I am alone in my room, sitting and thinking while the headphones in my ears play music which is not as loud as my thoughts though. Again I feel stupid, so stupid that I can feel it. So, stupid to believe in love, so naive to think we were meant to be together forever. Now I feel totally numb and even with the headphones in my ears with the music in a high volume, it's still not audible cause all I hear is the cracking of my soul, the believes of love shattering to pieces, that perhaps can never be mend again ...
Until...
until I start to write about them, write about everything I am thinking off...
And while I read them, I am startled by the words I wrote, that rolled down from the nib of my pen on the blank white page...
I believe whatever I wrote, but I still can't bring myself to believe them. My lips are trembling, I am shaking and even though I squeeze my eyes tight and try hard not to cry, these damned tears also betrayed me as they started to roll down my cheeks blurring my vision, if only they could also blur those memories...
I asked myself again," Did I deserved it? Was it truly love?"
Sometimes, I really want to ask you, was it that easy to make fake promises? Do you really think I was that worthless? Was it entertaining seeing me fall in your love every moment? Was it fun seeing me believe in your fake promises?
I was not supposed to be a puppet to your mood. I wasn't always supposed to listen to you always when a relationship is always two sided...
I loved your soul, but I was an idiot, a total dumbo that I never realised that the soul you possessed had a heart so devoid of feelings and so cold that it had freezed all my emotions.
And am I upset? Nah.
Does it hurt? Maybe.
Do i blame you? No.
But, should I blame you???
Each and every conversation we had, I had dropped all my problems to just listen to your hectic problems and comfort you. Never showed the sad side because you loved or rather preferred seeing my happy version. Though I had problems as equal as you yet I never said a thing or asked for your comfort even though I craved for it so much, I hid them, just because you were never bothered to hear me out. Lied to myself a thousand times, that maybe you will understand me someday and I know it's my fault cause I had expected too much.
I loved you, yes loved you more than myself, even though I never asked you for comforts when I was silently suffering and buried all my problems just to see you smile, because I thought that maybe after these sacrifices, you would truly love me and maybe understand me, you would be mine, not in the sense of possession but in priority. Trust me, I never wanted to be one of your top priorities but just remain at some corner of that priority list. I understand maybe I had asked too much. Or did I? You know the answer better than I do, even though you can feign ignorance...
I still wish if you could value me, even a percent was enough to make me happy and stay back, but you didn't...
Nevertheless I still loved you and valued you, thought I could make you have the same feelings for me, but jokes on me, that I lost and wrecked and shattered myself in that process...
I still remember, the day we broke up and you left me stone cold and just after the nightfall, in the dark lonely midnight as I was starting at the ceiling, I finally fell apart and tears just fell like a nonstop stream of sadness and sufferings due to my sacrifices...that night I had again asked myself the same questions...
Was it my fault? What did I do to deserve this? Was it love or just attraction and infatuation and I was just naive to believe they were real?
But didn't you say you love me when we had those late night talks? Or was it another lie?
But, I learnt to respect myself, learnt to be happy, learnt that maybe I wasn't that worthy but not as worthless as you made me feel, learnt to live without you and learnt to respect my emotions and value myself, learnt to heal myself...
And to be honest, I know it was my fault to have expectations on you ( anyways thanks to you, I realised that the more people have expectations the more they are bound to get hurt), and so I am sorry.
And I am truly thankful to you, cause you thaught me that love is nothing but an illusion and I also realised that you can never see me like your sunshine, if, you had known the darkness in me, thank you for making me lock my heart forever and making me believe love doesn't exist...
Once again, thank you so much for teaching me all these and sorry cause I had too many expectations.
Or maybe did I?
