That's how I feel since losing you. My memory is like a cassette that never stops playing videos when I'm with you. My body seems to force me to move to find you.... I can't accept the fact that I've lost you. It seems that my brain has also forgotten that you have disappeared from my sight, as if I only remember the time with you, right there.
I lay in a worn-out bed, all white shirt with a long rope wrapped around my hands and body so that I don't become aggressive, every day I just look at the sky and the ceiling that looks the same every moment. Why is my life so empty, so faded, so boring without remembering you?.
Every day, I'm only faced with boring doctors, boring treatments, therapy music that they believe is calming for mental patients, but that music only makes me remember you more and become more and more uncontrollable.
My body is very aggressive when I miss you. I've lost my sanity and I'm even willing to hurt myself for you..... I know that I can't bring you back, but I can't stop. Only you can heal me. Restore me...
Every 8 am, I was taken to a treatment room, from my room to the boring treatment room only took 5 minutes. Accompanied by two flat-faced guards, my body was still tied with a long rope that came from the long sleeves of the white shirt wrapped around my body.
My gaze remained focused on a plastic cup bearing the Mac.Coffee brand held by one of the visitors who crossed next to me.
Yes... that brand... from a coffee cafe not far from my house. The start of my sweetest coffee ever.
2 years ago, The memory is still fresh in my mind, inside the cafe, in front of the menu counter, everything is very clear until now..... When I looked at a girl with a side face like a work of art. 5 seconds.... not even 5 hours is enough for me to see how perfect that beauty is. The smile that came out on the corner of her lips looked beautiful even if it was just a side view, why didn't I have the chance to see her face more clearly when I first stood next to the angel?. When the smell of coffee plays in my nose, I can't forget how the scent of lavender blends with coffee. A slow caress of charming blonde hair, the scent of shampoo that tugged at my heartbeat. I thought that I was crazy... but it turns out that I let myself go crazy to get close to her. I was attracted by her sweet smile, the smell of perfume, the look in her eyes, and even her charming gestures when leaving the cafe..... I prayed many times that I would get a second chance to see her.
Love, fall, hurt, and crazy... keep echoing in my ears like a mantra that won't stop until I find the real her. Trapped on the wall behind the wall, bound by the red rope that kept limiting my movement, hurt and kept torturing me like drowning in red water with no clear vision. I couldn't control myself after remembering that beautiful moment.
I was going crazy in a reverie of regret, being dragged by two flat-faced humans... until I met the doctor at the treatment center.
The wind brings an air of awe, an extreme expression, excitement playing behind the relentlessly undulating heartbeat.
That's what I felt during the second meeting with that woman, the memory is still fresh even though I've been tortured in this old hospital.
I miss the scent of lavender, the fragrance of that blonde hair, the smile on her lips.... but that day I had the chance to see her face completely. It's so beautiful, I don't feel like I'm in the library.... when her full face plays in my eyes, I seem to have been transported to a flower garden. I was very lucky to be greeted by her when my brain was lost in a mystery book. She is very friendly, cheerful, her sweet smile never disappears from her lips. She is also fond of bland conversation....
Yes bland, but I enjoy the conversation.... Conversations about mysterious ghosts, illogical facts, ancient women.... I am more and more interested in the angel sitting in front of me. I got lost in her friendly conversation until I didn't realize that I wanted to know her more and more. Starting from friends, to close friends, to more than that.... The memory was very painful for me to let go.
Dreams as infinite as the universe.
I went through a dark and darker hallway, the longer I was pressed against the walls around me. My brain twists and turns on a roller coaster. I was pressed against the endless wall, more and more sick, more and more bleeding. I was starting to get weak but couldn't find a way out of it all.
A woman's voice softly called me, I thought I heard you calling.
But I know it's not true. But why do I feel so sick?, I felt the pain grow worse as your voice continued to echo in my lonely ears. I need you, so please heal me, doctor. I keep adoring, fighting, loving, hating and going crazy and so on.
Heal me doctor.... only you can cure my madness... As you did on November 7th.
Yes.... November 7th, I wrote that date in my notebook which is kept in a drawer in my house. I still remember where you came close to me, you held my head so I could keep looking into your eyes, my ears were filled with a soothing emptiness as you covered my ears. The hallucination disappeared suddenly when you approached me with your mild treatment, the therapy that worked for me.
"Calm down.... Ignore them all, you shouldn't listen to their words... see them.... You shouldn't serve them", the soft voice was still heard even though my ears were covered by her soft palms. Her worried face at the same time calmed my life, I seemed to be protected by a guardian angel, my hallucinations disappeared quickly at that time. Calmness, an empty mind, a comfortable cold feeling.... all of which I felt on November 7th.
Please.... I need you now, like November 7th. Without you, I can only lie in bed in an old room, struggle with my body, adore and fight, love and hate, go crazy and so on.
This 12 o'clock night is a painful night, where my dark memories keep playing in my mind like a cassette tape in a dark room.
I remember that day, where I couldn't see her face, touch her soft skin, delicate hands that always take care of my mind. Why did she disappear like dust?, fade like smoke?, and leave only a painful beautiful memory for me to forget. I still remember that I was looking for her, hoping that God would give me a chance to meet her to say "goodbye" to her. I know that I'm not ready for that, I know that I'm willing to die or go crazy if I lose her. And I know that of course I will not say that to her. If time could be turned back..... I would do anything for her before she disappeared.
"Please don't fade away, don't leave me", I'm still saying that tonight, just like before, even until anytime, who knows those words are prayers.... I hope my words come true.
A few days after you left me, the Moon that night was very messy,
You will just fade away. Even though I'm in pain. What should I do? Oh my, I'm sick. You are the only one who can heal me
Come back to me..... I need you.
My physical exterior showed that I was sick, tortured, fighting and hating... Until the doctor came storming my room. I heard your voice, saw your body, your face... You approached me as my vision started to fade after the sedative injection the doctor gave me.
The doctor's therapy the next day was to use an abstract painting that hung on the wall in the white room. They all look like crazy kids having fun drawing, but I only see some drawings like adults, sane... I don't know why I feel neutral here either.
When I keep walk and then I saw a painting hanging at the end of the corner. I kept getting closer, feeling the aura of the painting like a cloud like a memory picture that called a blue dream. My memory is displayed like a projector, playing a video where I draw on a big paper with you, your happy voice, your laugh like a beautiful melody of that time. But now that memory is like a melody for you hiding in the darkness of my memory.
Please, with me.... I approach my face, my cheeks play in every curve of the painting, my memory of you is clear and blurry at the same time. Stay with me.... I hope this painting can bring you out if you exist, and draw this memory if you don't. I kept leaning my head against this painting with my eyes closed, letting the memory be as clear and fuzzy as a nearly broken cassette.
Another nostalgic memory came to mind as I hummed over the surface of the painting. The event before I found her, the memory brought the important loss to now, the bloody memory in my hand, the strange knife I held in the nostalgic memory awakened my chaotic mind.
The wind of my nostalgia for you got stronger and I went crazy until I woke up from my reverie when your voice called my name.
I was so confused that I didn't realize that I had run out of the room with several guards who were in a panic behind me. Her voice called my name until I managed to find my way out of the hospital. The twinkle of her playing in my eyes makes me keep running tirelessly.
I finally saw her from afar, she was looking at me with that smile... the first time I saw her. I'm walking closer to her... keep getting closer... I hear the sound of a car horn from the side... but it's all just an illusion for me. I just want to get close to her, my eyes just want to look at her face. And I just kept letting my body roll up the body of the car until it crashed on the road.
As I lay bleeding on the road, the red memory came like a cold wind. I remember the memory before I found her in the cafe, the memory was very clear how I became her killer... I enjoyed her soft body accompanied by ear-splitting whispers, her flesh being torn apart slowly along with her mournful screams. Whispers of victory played in my ears as she let out her last breath.
My vision was getting blurry, I was surrounded by people who were surprised to see me. And I also looked at her who was smiling at me.
Love... Fall... Hurts.... Crazy. The words faded and faded, disappearing like a mirage. I smiled too, I'm satisfied that I could see her face for the last time.
Thank you for heal me.
