Everyday I cry myself to sleep because I remember some disgusting stuff that my aunt did to me, I sometimes think about my existence or something
I remember juicy trauma I'm still tryna let go of, I've been in a toxic household ever since I was maybe like 4 or 5 years old.
When I was around 9 to 10 years old. My aunt would harass me or sexually assault me in front of my mom.
My mom wouldn't do anything even if she witnessed it.
My younger sibling would always cause a dramatic moment and make my mom lecture me for something I never did.
I got so upset at one time I started self harming and attempting to commit suicide secretly
The person who understood me the most had left, I cried a week and 3 days
I tried booking a therapist but I cancelled the meetings because I had a lot of work
I lived many years with speration anxiety, depression, OCD and social anxiety
I've tried telling others but they wouldn't care to listen
So I just shut my mouth and continued living as the therapist friend who deals with problems
I got bullied in school 24/7 daily, at some point I would lock myself in my room and starve myself for being useless or not good enough
When I was born , it was good for a while. Until my sister was born,y "father" left us because he didn't want two children
So my mom started blaming me and mistreating me meanwhile my sister was treated like some queen
I've been called a bitch or whore daily by my mom
My sister would sometimes take a pair of scissors and cut my hair while I was sleeping. One day she ruined my hair and my mom blamed me even when it wasn't my fault
I would save my pocket money everyday until I had enough to buy something I really wanted
But when my sister found out about my money she stole it and told my mother. My sister said that I stole my mother's money and wanted to hook up with someone at the bar
I got slapped and scolded for a hour until at the point I almost started crying
I was grounded for 2 weeks and only given 2 meals a day
I wouldn't eat the food, at midnight I would secretly leave my room and put the food in the fridge
I would just take my medicine and for the reason I was offline for 5 or 7 months. I had covid badly , almost thought I was gonna die and get my wish fulfilled
I managed to survive that, I'll consider it as terrible luck
I never wanted to be alive, everyone in life is rude . Life is unfair, the bad people always get the best stuff meanwhile the good people get the bad stuff
My aunt attempted to r@pe me when I was 11 years old
After getting touched a bit , I hid in my room until 1:AM everyday, after that I would go to the bathroom and scrape my arms with a sharp object
I journaled my life in a notebook and hid it in my closet
My mom found my diary and ripped it in front of me
She said if I was never born it would've been better
I grabbed my book and ran to my room, I cried 2 hours quietly with the lights off in my blanket
I took some scissors and started scraping my skin with it
My family has disliked me for my puffy hair and a tanish type skin , they would get mad everytime they saw me, they wanted me to inherit a beautiful face and skin.. but not everyone is perfect or happy
I recently got asthma and I couldn't breath during class , I wanted to tell the teacher but I didn't, I was scared others would think I'm attention seeking
I'm typing my life out to online strangers who understand others better than the people in real life .
I'm only able to type this much because I'm on the verge of tears.
