If only you love me too…
We were childhood friends…and you never noticed me. If I was someone else..would you have fallen in love with me instead?
It used to never bother me, how he treated me until I fell in love with him. It was like we were best friends one day and the other I realized I had feelings for him. After that, I just kinda viewed him differently and started falling harder and harder for him.
I would get really excited whenever he called or texted. And on the days he didn’t, I would feel really sad as if he might have forgotten about me.
We would tell each other just about everything but there was only one thing that I had never told him before. That I love him. I guess I was always just scared of rejection and the fact that I am kinda sure that he’s straight.
One day, his family bought the house right next to mine. He started coming over to my house almost every day and I would go to his. We were just really close friends and I honestly don’t think that it was just friendship that I wanted from him…I want more. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about him every waking second, I couldn’t keep him away from my dreams, and my fantasies, I couldn’t stop loving him no matter how hard I tried, and I just couldn’t keep him away from my life.
I would practically dream about his, dark hair, clear green eyes, and beautiful smile. I thought that maybe if I kept hoping and dreaming, maybe he could be mine. Maybe my dreams might come true, maybe one day he would make me the happiest person on earth and just confess to me.
Eventually, that day never came so I just decided to maybe tell him.
I started by coming out to him first.
“Hey…” I started.
“What’s up, bro?” He asked smiling at me with his beautiful smile.
“Um… I don’t think I’m straight”
“What do you mean?” He asked.
“I think I like men, Michael I’m gay,” I said nervously. Will he think of me differently?
He smiled at me softly and pulled me into a tight hug.
“Good to know.” He said and then changed the topic.
I honestly don’t know if this was a good thing or not because he just didn’t give much of a reaction. It was like he didn’t care.
We never said anything about that again.
One day, in the summer, before we both left for college, I decided to tell him how I felt about him. Before it’s too late. Before he never knew.
“Michael, remember when I told you that I was gay?”
“Yeah. What you found a nice guy and is inviting me to be your best man?” He teased.
I laughed nervously. “Not exactly.”
“Then what is it? You look nervous.”
“Um, I love you, Michael,” I told him, my voice shaking.
He shrugged, “I love you too, bro.”
“No, I don’t think you understand. I love you like love, love you. Like romantically.” I said in a small voice. No matter how many times I practiced saying this in the mirror, I still didn’t get the hang of it.
“Don’t mess with me, bro. You’re like a brother to me, my best friend.”
“I don’t just want to be your friend….” I looked down, he didn’t feel the same way, did he?
“Don’t do this to me. Please, you know I like girls. I love you, I really do but you’re my best friend and I want it to stay that way. I’m sorry.” He said.
I felt my heart break. The person I love most, my best friend doesn’t feel the same way. What was I thinking, that someone like him would love someone like me? I really can be just so stupid sometimes but I still don’t think I could ever love someone else. He must hate me now. I hate myself for even telling but more for hoping that he would feel the same way. I cursed myself for thinking that maybe he could make my dreams come true.
But now all I could say about all of my hopes and dreams for him is that if only he loved too, maybe they too, would have a chance.
