I am just an average guy who's having a messy life. No friends cuz no one want to be my friend. No one to talk, so I just talk to myself.

My dad is a gambler,  he is also a drunkard, and addicted in smoking, while my mom is also. I don't have brother or sister.

What a simple but messy life I have.

My parents always bargain like a cat and dog. Our company sold because of my mom and dad's dept in gambling.

For me, this life is just like a cheap game, that I can end anytime I want.

Yes, I can easily end my boring life...

It's just...I'm too ashamed to face the creator because of my sins, or maybe I can't even see his shadow and I go to hell imidiatly.

My life that was too boring became colorful like a rainbow in the sky

When I met her.

A gentle, kind, smart and beautiful

"MAY".

With long and blonde hair, Fair skinned beauty, with dark brown eyes and tall nose, thick eyelashes, rosy lips and curvature hips.

My heart that was too lazy to beat, became so active to beat when she's around.

I met her at my 1st year in college.

She is a campus bell, my first crush at first sight,

turn into love at first sight.

I can't help but just became her secret admirer.

Can't admit my love, like everyone do because she's too high to aproach. She's from a wealthy family but I'm not.

Keep hiding my feelings in the dark, so no one can see it and no one will know it.

Loving her in a secret way...

Maybe it's my fate, were like heaven and earth that cannot be together no matter what I do.

My face is not that thick to think and assume that maybe she will also love me, and maybe I still have a chance just because we talk sometimes and once exchanged names.

We became friends. She's my first friend, and I will be just her friend, nothing else.

I know, that even I admit how I feel...

" WERE IMPOSSIBLE "

It's the first day of school, the day that my college life will begin, unfortunately or should I say, fortunately...

I bump into her.

And I said “S-Sorry May”

“That's ok, h-how do you know my name?”

she said with her soft and gentle voice I ever heard with her wearing the most warmer smile I ever seen.

And I said “of course I know, you're the campus beauty they keep saying, you're really beautiful as the rumor says”

She chuckled and say the warm “Thank You”

I smile back.

I'm about to go but she suddenly said

“Sir, may I know your name”

I turn my face and said

“Jay...Jay Larson”

*slightly blushing

And she said

“ May...May Zendelia"

* shake hand

******

After that moment, I go to my class room, our class divide by two, I'm in Class B, the room where all the students are commoners.

While she's in Class A, the room where all the students are from noble families.

The class begin but my mind is in universe. I still thinking about what happened earlier.

Keep thinking her beautiful face, beautiful smile and warm voice.

The class ended, but I learn nothing.

I'm now just sitting here after I eat.

Being alone again...no one wants to make friend with me...so they just treat me as if I didn't exist in this room.

What is she doing now? This is the first time someone ask my name. And it's actually the one I like.

Until I find my self being drown on keep thinking about her. Keep picturing her in my mind.

But why!?

Why do I still thinking about her?

Until I'm petrified to what I just think...

Is it...the feeling of being in love?

The feeling...that...that I can't explain even in my mind?

Why? I didn't expect...

“No, no, no...Impossible!...I'm just having a crush on her, I just admire her beautiful face, right?”

“I don't love her, do I?”

I said to myself, but my heart aches when I keep thinking of it.

My mind keep saying that I just admire her, but my heart said that I love her.

I feel uneasy because of it.

I was surprised when the teacher called my name.

“Jay Larson!”

I stand up imidiatly and I didn't know that I actually would shout

“Y-YES MA'AM!?”

The moment get awkward and they all stare at me and laugh.

“Say 'Present' next time not 'Yes', got it?”

The teacher said and I sit. I didn't know just now that the class is actually begin.

I didn't mind them. I just let them laugh at me.

Since thay were happy with that and it seems they also enjoying it anyway.

The school end...it's now 1:00 in a afternoon.

I see her again...my heart is so happy that it feels like it's jumping so fast in my chest.

Even it's just in long distance...I just keep staring at her.

But my heart also aches when I see a guy giving flowers to her...she accept it.

And get in the car with him.

Maybe he's her boyfriend?

I walked straight and pretend just a passerby. I walk through the street absent minded until I reach my home.

I said “I'm back”  though I know no one will answer.

As usual, I see my mom and dad arguing.

I just ignore them and go to my room, lie on my bed, wear my headphones and play games on my phone just to don't hear them.

Until I didn't know that I actually fell asleep.

******

I woke up late at night, mom and dad stop arguing, maybe they are asleep now. I go to the rooftop of  our house and admire beautiful starry sky, and moon that full of light.

Unlike me, always hiding in the dark.

For me, this is the most calm and quiet place I ever been. The wind is blowing up my hair and I suddenly said;

“Is it the feeling of being in love”

I spoke to myself.

“ The guy that give flowers to her earlier is Jeric, right? Where are they going? What's their relationship? Is he...her boyfriend?”

My head got fill with questions.

Jeric Merfien, the guy who give flower to her earlier. Son of our School Director. They are a perfect match if you ask me. They are rich.

Unlike me.

Were rich before. Well, that's before because we still have company at that time.

But I also know that...that happy moments will also end with the personality of my parents. They didn't cherish it.

Though they are like that...They are still my parents and I Love them.

So...

“maybe, hiding my feelings is better than...saying out yet being rejected, yes...its better...less shameful, less heart aches”

I said while looking up the sky,

“It's how my fate written, being hidden...in the darkness, forever”

And the wind blows a little stronger.

I back to my room, still thinking about her.

I sleep and wish to dream about her.

AND NEVER WAKE UP.