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Summary:

...Hinata Shoyo....

...He has always been there for everyone....

...His ability to make everyone feel comfortable and loved has always been his strength....

...He is everyone’s sun....

...His smile was warm and it felt like home....

...Who knew that a smile can be like a home?...

...And now, they are longing for that home....

...They were robbed of their sun....

...Without their sun, how will they continue living in the dark?...

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Syllabus:

...Hiraeth. Noun...

...Definition: Longing; Nostalgia; Sense of regret; The feeling of longing for a home that no longer exists;...

...●Haikyuu!! characters are not mine. They belong to Haruichi Furudate.●...

...●Following Haikyuu!! Manga’s timeline; Post Time Skip;●...

...●This is only a FanFiction.●...

...●There will be no OCs or any extra characters in here.●...

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Trigger Warning:

...●This novel contains r*pe/non-con, s*icide, depression, anxiety, strong language, and violence. Please read at your own risk.●...

...●This novel does not encourage s*icide, nor does this make fun of people who experiences depression and such.●...

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Dedication:

Thank you to my friends, @Yammy and @Mariz for giving me ideas. They gave me the rough idea on most parts of this story. Also, big thanks to @BL_Addict and @Nishinoya’sMcnuggets for their continuous support to me and my stories!

I also want to thank my Mom and my eldest sister, who are homophobic, but still supported me in making my stories! Thank you, Nay, Ate!

I shall also mention my dearest best friends, Herlyn, Kaye, Tricia, and Jas, who have always been there for me. Thanks guys! I miss you all.

I have once deleted this novel because of my kinkiness, but I made it again and reposted it because I felt bad for those who supported this.

...I love y'all~ Thank you so much! ...

...Enjoy reading! ...

......or at least, I hope you will....

...(Grins devilishly)...

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It was a quiet Sunday, and it was the day after Hinata’s funeral.

Kageyama sat alone in Karasuno’s Volleyball court. He didn’t know why his feet dragged him there, maybe it was just his old habits, or maybe to find peace of mind amidst the calamity inside his head and heart.

It was a weekend so there was no students around, just few teachers.

He has missed going here, he admits.

He remembers those continuous days of racing with Hinata to and from school. How Hinata would dash through, how he’d made these stupid rumbling sounds.

Kageyama misses everything about Hinata, and there’s so many things he’s come to regret.

Like how he was persistent on not becoming in the same team as Hinata. Or how he didn’t try to stay up to date with the boy, and how he rarely even tried to see him sometimes.

MSBY’s currently a mess with Hinata gone.

Atsumu seems like he doesn’t want to play now, so does Sakusa, and of course, Bokuto.

Bokuto was one of those who couldn’t accept it until the funeral, even now. Just like Kageyama, Bokuto has no plan on accepting the bright boy’s sudden death. Even more so for Atsumu.

Kageyama sighs, sitting in the corner while hugging his knees to his chest. The wooden floor was cold… just like his heart.

F*ck, he swore inwardly, feeling the throbbing and the aching inside his chest. The longing, the grief, the lament, the endless overthinking. Kageyama can’t focus on anything anymore.

“Ah…” Someone from the door makes a sound, Kageyama lifts his chin to check and he finds Atsumu.

“…Tobio-kun.”

Kageyama stands up from the floor, “Hey…”

“What are you doing here?” Atsumu asks, walking in and picking up a ball.

Kageyama shrugs, “I could say the same to you.”

The boy slips his hands into his coat’s pockets, looking down and letting his hair cover his swollen eyes.

“I was actually looking for you. Then I thought I’d find you here… You weren't at your house.”

“D*mn, I didn’t think Sho-kun would be the reason why we’re going to see each other.”

“What do you mean?” Kageyama glances towards Atsumu who’s looking at the door.

“I came to give you something.”

“…huh.” Tobio stared at Atsumu who’s struggling in getting something from his bag.

What kind of relationship did they have? Is it the kind of relationship where Hinata leaves his things behind to let Atsumu keep? …something like that?

It hurts, thinking about it, so Kageyama tries to dismiss his useless thoughts. But can’t, because now, he’s bothered by the thing Atsumu wants to give.

Atsumu fishes something from inside his bag. He takes out a medium sized journal, with a thick leather cover. He hands it to Kageyama.

“What is it?” Kageyama asked as he takes the thing.

“It’s Sho-kun’s diary.”

“…why are you giving me his diary?”

You're the boyfriend... aren't you...?

“I think… there are words here that are meant for you to read. It's not just me, Bokuto and Osamu thinks so as well.”

“You three have read Hinata’s diary?”

“A bit, only until page 9 or 10. Bokuto said that it was wrong to read it.”

“What makes you think that it’s right for me?”

“Hinata mentioned you a lot. Even in little scribbles or random writing,” Atsumu looks towards Kageyama, Miya tries his best to hide his anger, “And besides, we think it’ll give you some peace of mind.”

“…huh.” Kageyama doesn’t open the journal just yet.

“And… Hinata talked about you a lot. He would always find ways on how to include you in his daily conversations… he adores you a lot, and I’m sure you feel the same way about him. I hope… Hinata’s death doesn’t taint any of your good memories of him. As well as the bad.”

Kageyama falls silent.

“And… Hinata doesn’t hold any grudge towards you. At least, I know enough to say that."

With that last state, Atsumu walks off, without saying anything else--no, before he could say something else, before he could punch Kageyama or hopefully kill him.

Kageyama looks at the textbook’s cover. It wasn’t old, nor was it new. It was in good condition, but it’s spine was a little textured, and the most pages were obviously used because of the dents and folds.

Kageyama leaves the school and heads home, mind lost in the clouds.

It’s not that they drifted apart. They were just too busy. Hinata was busy getting better and training, the same with Kageyama.

That’s definitely it.

There’s nothing else to it.

Once Kageyama is home, he takes note that no one else is inside. He kicked off his shoes and went to his room to rest.

When he was finally lying down on his bed, he wanted to sleep but his eyes couldn’t stay closed.

His thoughts wander, to the most recent memories of Hinata to the oldest.

He realizes that Hinata’s changed so much, over the years. He doesn’t know if it’s a good change, or a bad change–he’s not one to say. Especially when…

“F*ck.” Kageyama swore, hissing as he turned on his belly and buried his face into his pillows.

All he could think of was Hinata. Hinata’s smile, orange hair, umber eyes, his small body, his voice….

He wonders if he’ll be able to sleep tonight.

But it bothers him.

No one really understands how Hinata died.

Was it… on purpose? or was it an accident?

There are people who say that he walked into the middle of the road without much thought.

There are people saying that a car hit him while red light.

There are people that say that he’s been struggling and just felt… like it…

There are people saying that thinking of it as something Hinata did on purpose is stupid.

Because why would Hinata want to end his life?

Things are finally going his way. He’s in a professional volleyball team, with people he’s already familiar with. His team’s a star and has made history in the volleyball world.

Why would Hinata want to do something like that when his life’s at the top or heading to the peak?

It’s stupid, Kageyama thinks. Why does it matter? He’s gone.

Hinata can’t be brought back.

The pointless chatter about how Hinata died is completely stupid.

But… sure, Kageyama also wants to know how Hinata died. But he doesn’t want to hear it from anyone else but Hinata, and that’s impossible. So he knows that he should just let it go.

He thinks… if Hinata really walked into traffic, why would he want to do such a thing? If he was struggling… why didn’t Shoyo ask for help?

Why… didn’t he notice?

Kageyama should’ve noticed.

Does Atsumu know something?

Maybe he’ll find out, maybe he wont.

Taking a deep sigh, he pulled out Hinata’s diary and opened it to the first page.

“…Hey…”

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What did Shoyo write about him? Did he talk bad about him?

Maybe insulted him? Cursed him?

What was he thinking about?

Before he… was he thinking about me…?

He turns it to the first page, there isn’t much. Just a few scribbles and random words here and there.

There was a picture of him in Brazil, the one that was taken at the beach.

He didn’t move the picture and just stared at it. He looked so ethereal in it. He was smiling, brightly, beautifully, enchantingly… innocently.

At the bottom of the page, it says that the book belongs to Hinata.

His handwriting is so messy…

The first entry was of November 2018. Hinata had just joined MSBY and he has started joining their practices and training.

...“…I went back to our dorm and spent the rest of the day resting. And now I’m writing this hahaha. It’s been…. about 2 weeks since I last saw Kageyama. 😦 I wonder how he’s doing? I hope he’s doing good with his team…”...

...“…well, what’s the use in caring if we don't even talk anymore?”...

Tobio smiled bitterly.

“Hinata, there’s not a day that passes by without me thinking about you…”

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Atsumu opens his eyes, and the first thing he feels is his absolute hatred for Kageyama.

And the first thing he notices, however, with his eyes, is the light the sun offered that came from the window. It was bright and blinding much to his liking, so he rolled on his bed and covered his eyes. Right after, he hears a familiar honk of the car.

By the sound it made, Atsumu knew that it was Osamu. Still, he didn’t get up. He didn’t want to be bothered now, especially when his dreams are still lingering at the back of his consciousness.

The doorbell rings twice, followed by the creaking of the front door opening. Atsumu groaned, taking and pulling his blankets up and over his head.

Soon, the door to his room is opened. He hears his brother sigh and mumble something, he doesn’t understand or hear well. But he doesn’t pay attention to it.

“'Tsumu.” Atsumu hears clearly.

Again, he pays no attention to his twin brother.

“How long… are you going to be like this?”

Footsteps approached, then Atsumu felt the end of the bed sinking. Osamu’s voice was suddenly clearer.

“I’m not saying that it’s wrong to mourn, but for this long? And you haven’t been taking care of yourself.”

“Sakusa called, he said that you missed practice today.”

“Do you think Hinata would be happy if you keep on missing practices like this?”

Atsumu bites his bottom lip and feels pinballs falling down the sides of his head.

“Please don’t talk about him.” Atsumu begs, voice quiet and croaky. “Don’t use him to bring me back to my feet.”

“Sorry…”

“Leave me alone, 'Samu.” Atsumu faces the other side. “I really want to be alone right now.”

For a few seconds, Osamu is silent. Atsumu knows his brother is watching–like a vulture–so Atsumu stays still.

“Fine. You need a shower, by the way.” Osamu stands from the bed and walks back to the door. “I bought you food, I put it on the table. Eat, okay? You’re so thin and ugly already.”

“Thanks.”

“See ya’.”

“Mmm.”

Just like that, Osamu is on his way. Atsumu hears the engine from his room, and the screeching of tires. Once he knows his brother is gone and away, Atsumu sits up.

“Do I really smell that bad?” Atsumu looks down on himself. He sighs, then gets up to take a shower. When he was done, he decides to check on the food Osamu brought.

He looks at the contents, there’s cup noodles and instant coffee. In another plastic is take out sushi and a fresh salad.

“Yikes.” Atsumu grits his teeth in an awkward way.

It’s obvious, he thought. Shogo asked Osamu to buy this.

Shogo is the one to watch over his team’s health, he’s always ordering the boys around to eat more leaf and less meat.

“Let’s eat.” Atsumu says out of habit. Atsumu takes out the salad and sushi and opened them. He sat down and took the chopsticks, taking one piece of the sushi roll and throwing it into his mouth.

While chewing, he goes back to his bedroom to get his phone.

He messages in the MSBY groupchat on the way to the dining room to get another piece of sushi.

He sent a picture of him eating with a caption, “Thanks captain!”

Bokuto saw the snap, huffing out and dropping his phone to the side. He was relieved to hear that Atsumu’s eating again. ‘About time’, he thought with a small smile. He turned to his side and looked over the bed table.

Beside a lamp is a new picture frame. It’s a group photo of Hinata, Atsumu, Sakusa and Bokuto standing in the middle of the court wearing their MSBY jerseys.

Hinata’s smiling so brightly.

Bokuto sits up and makes his legs drop over the side of the bed, he hears a deep groan so he looks behind him.

Akaashi is lying next to him, tired and shirtless. There are heavy, dark circles under his eyes and Bokuto feels bad.

All Akaashi’s done in the past few weeks is taking care of Bokuto.

Bokuto does his best to act fine, but it’s often difficult because Akaashi knows him too well. Far too well.

Bokuto inches closer and gently caresses his boyfriend’s cheek. Akaashi hums, still asleep, but he leans into his boyfriend’s touch.

“Awake?” Bokuto asks, voice soft.

Slowly, Akaashi opens his eyes. “Am now.”

“Sorry, Did I woke you?” Bokuto lays down again and hugs Akaashi, cuddling with him tightly.

“No, you didn’t. I was actually waiting for you to wake up.” Akaashi keeps his arms close so that Bokuto could get even closer. He closes his eyes, exhaling and just taking in the warmth Bokuto’s body offered.

“Why?” Bokuto hides his face into Akaashi’s neck and places a single chaste kiss.

For a few moments, Bokuto feels his boyfriend quiver and waits for more. Because of this, Bokuto chuckles. Akaashi clicks his tongue and pinches Bokuto’s skin. “I asked why~”

“Want to have lunch with you.”

“Oh? But I’m not hun--”

“Shut up or I’m going to force feed you.” Bokuto gasped, trying to get back but Akaashi pulls him close.

“Please, eat. With me.”

“Yeah…” Bokuto lets go from the hug, “Okay.”

The two gets up, not bothering to get dressed. Bokuto stretched and just draped his robe over, following after Akaashi who was just wearing sweatpants.

“What woke you up?” Keiji asked as he pulled the chair and sat.

Bokuto gets the rice and the food Akaashi cooked earlier, he places them on the table before sitting in front of his boyfriend.

“Chat from the team.” Koutarou combs his hair that’s already way too long with his fingers. “Atsumu’s eating again.”

“Oh! That’s good news.”

Why did they talk like that? Like it wasn’t normal for Atsumu to be eating.

“Okay. Now, you, eat.” Akaashi prepares his boyfriend’s bowl and puts in a lot. “Eat a lot. Okay? Please.”

“Akaashi…” Bokuto feels his stomach churn, but not in a way that means something like ‘I want food’ but more of a ‘get it out of my sight’.

“I’m not very hungry.”

“Come on. You haven’t eaten a proper meal since…” Akaashi averts his gaze. “Please, just this once. For me?”

“Okay. I’ll… eat a little.”

“Great.” Keiji smiles, taking a spoonful from Bokuto’s bowl and bringing it up to his boyfriend’s lips.

“Hey, you…” Bokuto’s cheeks redden a little, “You don’t have to feed me. I’ll eat it myself. Thank you.”

Bokuto was about to take the spoon from Akaashi when he pulled it back and shook his head. “You’re going to end up poking the food.”

“But…”

“No.”

Akaashi feeds Bokuto, the boy sighed before he accepted the spoon into his mouth. They continued this until Bokuto’s food was finished. After feeding his boyfriend, Akaashi starts to eat his own.

“Continue this. You’ve become so thin already.”

“I’ll… try…”

Bokuto watches his boyfriend eat, and once he notices, he chews his food quickly in order to swallow. He wipes Bokuto’s lip with his thumb and give him a small smile. “Go back to the room, I’ll clean up.”

“Is it okay?”

“Of course. Rest more. Love you, baby.”

“I love you too…”

Bokuto stands up from the table and heads back to the room. He closes the door behind him, and he touches his throat.

He feels like throwing up, so he swallows his saliva and looks up. There’s a growing guilt in the pit of his stomach, he knows that all he’s been to Akaashi is a burden. He leans his back on the door and slowly slides down, embracing his legs as his bottom meets the floor.

“I can’t help it.” He whispered to himself, closing his eyes.

The only image he sees with his eyes closed is a smiling Hinata.

He never thought he’d grow so attached to that boy. But it wasn’t shocking, Hinata was a magnet. And the path he walked was a warm one. One with light always shining on it, with incredible friends, a supportive family, and with a career blowing up… and yet…

And yet… how did things lead to this kind of end?

‘Where and how in the world did he f*ck up to deserve this?’, Bokuto thought. His embrace tightened as he buried his head into his knees.

Bokuto never expected to grieve for someone at such a young age. And for someone even younger.

He never thought that bereavement felt so unreal. It was suffocating, it pushed Koutarou to look back on the things he did, even though he knew to himself that he was always kind to Hinata. It probably pushed Bokuto to rethink, to reminisce, and all that took his never ending appetite from him.

“Grieving is the worst.”

“I don’t want to go through this again.”

“Ever.”

Akaashi knocks on the door. He knows what his boyfriend’s doing, there’s a shadow in the middle of the space in the bottom of the door.

As much as Akaashi wants to give Bokuto space and time, he can’t just leave him alone to think the worst. He knows how his boyfriend thinks. There are times when he’s extremely negative. As many of his friends know already. But lately, it’s just become so extreme.

Before, Bokuto would just sulk and stay quiet.

But now, there would be times when he would break down in the middle of it.

He would sometimes suddenly start to hyperventilate. He would bolt to the comfort room to vomit despite the fact that his stomach is empty.

Grief wasn’t unfamiliar to Akaashi. But the grief Bokuto is experiencing? Never. And he wishes that it stays like that.

He doesn’t get a response, so he rests his head on the door frame. “Koutarou…” he called gently and huffed.

Still no response.

The feeling of worry builds itself up. However, Akaashi tries to dismiss it because he trusts that his boyfriend will never do anything stupid.

“I’ll be in the other room, okay? Get some rest.”

Akaashi walked to Bokuto’s room and got in. He coughs, it’s dusty. Bokuto hasn’t come in here since that day. He doesn’t have the strength to do so. His room is too full of pictures--of Hinata, Black Jackals, and those days in high school.

He looks around, seeing Hinata’s face everywhere leaves him with a bitter taste in the tongue.

He isn’t… wasn’t… really close with Hinata. But the pain is there.

Despite the fact that they didn’t hang around each other a lot, it was nice to be around Hinata.

He was a ball of addictive sunshine. Keiji completely understands why many of his friends are so… down…

He just hopes everyone has someone to take care of them, like how Bokuto has him. Or how Atsumu has Osamu.

Akaashi looks down, he’s sure Tsukishima has Yamaguchi to take care of him. He's pretty sure Kuroo will check out Kenma from time to time.

But Kageyama… he doesn’t want to think about it.

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