You are a hurricane that sweeps me off my feet, a whirlwind of emotions that wrecks my heart's beat. My words were nothig to you, they were fallen leaves tossed around in the wind, every sight of you is like the northeast monsoon, your smell, touch and voice brings about the rush of a december's chill.

As the dewy petrichor settled on the post-rain afternoon, I still felt the emptiness that accompanies the disaster you have left. You were not only a storm but you are also the horrors that came along with it. The waves of a tsunami that threatens to breakfree out of my eyes, the rumbles of an earthquake that makes my body shiver.

An eerie stillness surrounded me, the small pitter patter of raindrops hitting the roof was a cacophonic orchestra thundering on my cloud. The storm has passed, but I haven't felt serenity. The unspoken thoughts inside my head are loud as the thunderclaps. My voice still cracks after the quake of you. I long for the sunrays of your warmth, I long for the melody of your laughter.

I still don't know why they name storms after people, maybe because after the storm. You have to remember its name. You have to remember what scars it left and this time I couldn't seem to leave yout ruins. I'm still in your dismantled hollow blocks, still in your flickering lamp posts, still in your cataclysmic downpour.

If I had to name this storm,

I'd name it after you.

My disastrous memory,

My lingering catastrophe.

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She basked in the colors of the artist's garden at giverny, the blending of the acrylics giving life to her already paint stained apron while his paper were filled with calculus and algebraic equations.

She showed her the perfect symmetry of the vitruvian but all he ever saw was translation, rotation and reflection while she saw the harmonious, beautiful proportion and balance.

They were never meant to be. She was never meant to be the anion to his cation. Ironically they were opposite but they never attract. They were constantly repelling each other.

The artist’s flaw is to find pigments for his spotless canvas, which ought to be filled with the monochrome of his numbers, of the formulas of his own vanities...he doesn’t breathe in seek of her dirty pallette.

He followed in the footsteps of Archimedes, Newton and Einstein while she focused on being better than Van Gogh, Picasso and Michaelangelo.

It took her days and months to study the pythagorean theorem just to solve the coordinates between their distance and the velocity in which their relationship would move on to.

Her artworks were slowly replaced with planes and divisions of distance over speed just to find the time of when she would stop trying to reach him, her paintbrush and canvas replaced with calculators and protractors, still her formulas never reached him.

He never paid attention to her the time she cried under the starry night, nor the great wave of a burden his algebraic equations brought into her life.

Maybe they really were two separate lines, constantly moving in parallel directions, like the opposite sides of train rails, colliding with the pressure upon them.

【Ikigai】

»Warning: Redundancy is ensured, also cliches.

Ikigai (生き甲斐, pronounced [ikiɡai]) is a Japanese concept that means "a reason for being." The word translated to english roughly means "thing that you live for" or "the reason for which you wake up in the morning."

I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing, it's been days since I had a decent rest. I looked at my phone screen and saw that it's 7 am, I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes, not really having the energy to get out of bed, but eventually I did, while I was preparing my breakfast a thought entered my head.

"Why do I even wake up?, what fuels me to wake up in the morning?." I stopped and stared at the hot oil popping against the heat of the cooking pan, a lot of bad thoughts entered my head. It was like a person against an army, I turned off the fire in the stove and went to the living room,sat on a chair then stared at the wall.

"Who or what do I live for?." I mumbled and asked myself, and then I remembered.

Waking up isn't suppose to be for one person only, they can be your strength, yes but there's a lot of reason to live.

I live to see someone else's smile because of me, I live because I know despite the hardships the future might get better, I live because life is a roller coaster it's not always down,it would eventually go up. I live because life is cruel and beautiful and I want to be a part of it.

You see, while I was swimming in my thoughts I realized that I have to face reality sooner or later, I have to know that life isn't going to change itself for me. Instead I make the change. Either change the situation I'm in or my mindset about the situation. Don't always look at the dark side instead find a solution and work hard to solve a problem.

People come and go, some would leave a fire that would burn forever in your heart while the others leave darkness, we should just be thankful for all the lessons we learned from them, I'm also learning to start loving myself, because people kept saying in order to love others you should first learn to love yourself.

I'm tired of my sad litanies and I wanted to break free, I know it's a slow process and healing isn't really linear, I know there are things that would make it seem impossible but hey..I'm choosing to be happy, I'm choosing to be the person that you can lean on and depend on.

Remember life goes on, learn to continue

Don't ever think of a game over once a problem happens, it happens to make you stronger, learn to smile in the face of adversity, never lean towards the things that will worsen the conflict. Life is an adventure, everyday has a new surprise waiting for you.

You might think that everyday is just a repeating cycle of boredom, No. You can do something to change it. No one is in control of your life but you, I want you to know that you are loved, someone in your life loves you more than you think. Please be happy. Don't do it for me or the people you love, Do it for you.

I had an epiphany and my Ikigai is chasing my happiness.

So, i'm wishing for your happiness too.

It all started with a wrong sent message, I was down. Down with everything and I'm on the verge of giving up then you asked me "What's wrong?." That's where it all started.

You understood me and I knew of your pain, I wanted to save you from your hell, I want to pull you out of the dark. Our late night talks, the way you cared for everyone, the way you put others before yourself. I loved every second that I spent, spending and will spend with you and before I knew it, I fell. Fell deep and I'm drowning, drowning with all my unheard thoughts, unheard voices, unheard desires.

I wanted more, I wanted to see you smile. I want to see you finally content and happy, I wanted to see you not on the screen, but in flesh. You are my favorite notification, my Ikigai, my happy pill. I'm scared, I'm falling and I can't stop. I can't stop falling and I'll shatter, but if it's for you. I'll gladly let the pieces scatter.

One day, I saw blood dripping from your wrist and you contemplating on taking your life. I felt tears roll down my cheeks, I wanted to be there for you, wrap you in an embrace and sing that everything would be alright. I want to be your blanket of comfort but I can't. I can only be behind the screen, praying that you'll be alright, eventually you promised. You promised that you wouldn't hurt yourself...but I didn't. I didn't promised anything did I?

You'll be better, You'll move on, be stronger and learn from your mistakes, while me? ha! don't worry about me. I'll be at peace soon. I forced a smile knowing that anytime maybe I'd give up and leave everything. You were one of the reasons behind my smiles, You're my only hope. You're one of my strengths, but I'm afraid that this is the end. The end of me.

You'll find me on my casket filled with roses while wearing the most beautiful white dress. I'd be the prettiest woman you'll see, laid in satin and finally at peace. My mom would give you a letter and I want you to keep it as a last departing gift from me. Don't cry, I'm working so hard on making you happy that it's breaking me. It's okay, I promised right? I promised that I'll stay, so don't cry and be happy.

You'll be on your car, serenity enveloping this melancholic moment, you wearing a tuxedo. You'll open my letter and read it.

"Dear, (y/n)

Wipe your tears, throw the blade. I might be gone but I want you to look up the night sky and stare at the stars. I'll be there. I'll be there watching over you, I'm sorry if I given up without giving you notice, it seemed like my demons won on this battle. I love you, I love every part of you. Your flaws, and everything. Thank you, Thank you for completing me, for making me smile, for listening to me even though you're full of cracks. Be brave, fight the battle that I've lost in, always smile in times of adversities. I'd be there in the sky, I'd be your soldier. I'd fight beside you. Always remember that you're my hope.

I want you to scatter my ashes in the place of the sakura trees, you know how much I love them right? I want you to be there as my sisters grow up, and comfort my mother in this sad moment, please protect them in the place of me, and I have one last request for you.

Be happy, It'll take a long time, It'll take you a long journey but be happy. I'll be there waiting for you so take your time and enjoy the ride. I told you I want you to be happy even if that happiness no longer include me.

Remember that I always love you. Goodnight, Sugar dreams and see you in dreamland.

Your prefere,

Frans