“Falling in love is awfully simple, but falling out of love is simply awful”

It was the 3rd April 2009 at 8:34 pm, I received a message from my school time

friend Sonam “I am going to United States today, I will talk to you once I reach

there, take care”.

I was in deep thought as what she wants to tell me, as she never sends me message like

that. It seems something very urgent and may be it is concerned with my life. She was my

school time friend and married to a software engineer. She was working in a software

company in Delhi. As her husband had been transferred to US and she was going to join

him there. It seems that the message had been sent from airport only.

Next day was a usual day for me. I simply forgot about her message too.

At around 8:30 pm she gave me a call and said “Hi Sameer, how are you? I was in

hurry that day so I simply sent you a message, because I was boarding flight to

US. I want to tell you something which seems to be very important in your life”.

I was excited “What? Please tell me, I am dying to hear what you want to say.”

She replies “I had been in Jammu for few days. I met Sonia‟s sister. She is going

to marry in the mid April and she was busy in preparations for the same. Please

forget about her as she is going to be someone else‟s wife now”.

I became mute for a moment. It seemed as if someone has taken heart away from my

body, as if I was a body without soul, a warrior defeated in the battle of life. I was in

tears, my heartbeat increased and it seemed as if my heart will come out of my body.

She asked me, “Are you there Sameer? What has happened to you? Are you

alright?”

“Yeah, I am alright. When is she going to be married and what her fiance do?” I

asked in great despair.

“Well I don‟t know more details about that, but Sonia works in a Delhi and her

fiance is also in Delhi and also he is from southern part of India” She replied.

It reminded me of her reluctance to talk to her family on the basis of caste as in

her view her family had orthodox views in matters related to caste. But, what about her

marriage to a person, who was not only of different caste but belonged to a very different culture also. Why her orthodox family did not object to her marriage with that boy. I have

many questions to ask

Why she was not hesitant is talking about that guy with her family???????????

Why the person, who loved me, hid the relation from everyone even from her close

friends or simply she had played with my emotions??????????????????????????

Is love related to physical aspect of a person or is it related to emotions??????????

Last but not the least:-

If someone loves the person like me simply because of mercy, am I an object of

pity?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Do the persons like me have no right to

love?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

???????????

“How it all happened? How?” I asked her with tears.

“Forget about her dear. She does not deserve you, you will find a much better life

partner, forget about her once and for all”.

“I am in tears Sonam. How can I forget her with whom I have spent two years of

my life? Why she has done this to me?” I asked with a broken heart.

“Leave her now dear, think about your life in future. I am feeling guilty, I should

not have told you about her”, she said with guilt in her heart.

“Ok dear, I have to go now as I am not feeling well tonight, bye” I said.

She replied, “Take care of yourself and close this chapter once and for all dear

and please don‟t lose heart, take care, God bless you”.

It was the most despairing moment of my life, even worst than the worst I have ever

experienced. Even worse than my breakup day. I was in tears, was sleepless the whole

night as if someone has taken something very precious away from me which is even more

precious than my life. I kept thinking of the past, the moments spent with her. I was

unable to understand what to do. I was like a dead person whose soul is out of his body.

Sometimes thought of ending life, but destiny desired something else.

“You have to live, not for yourself but for her, you have to. You have to find her

wherever she is and with whom she is, ask her many questions, ask her that why

she had ruined my life. Now, you have to ruin her life as she had done with you. Part her from her husband, then she would be yours, wake up, wake up, you have

to do that, you have to get your love at any cost, after all everything is fair in love

and war”, devil in me kept on telling me to do that.

Next day was quite disturbing for me. I had a talk with my close friends. They

tried to soothe my mind and I felt a little better but not so much.

It was the mid of April, generally the marriage season and my beloved was also

going to be married in the month. I didn't know the exact date but whenever i saw a

marriage ceremony it hurt me as I was reminded that my beloved was also going to be

someone else‟s. It really hurt me and brought tears into my eyes.

The ghost of April 2009 haunted me very much. It seemed a gift which had been

gifted to me by God, is going to be someone else‟s now. Whenever I saw a newlywed

couple, I was reminded of her which greatly disturbed my mind. I was in dismaying state.

Often her remembrance haunted me. Her sweet voice, her beautiful smile, her love for

me, her promises with me, the dreams we had seen together, dreamt of having a beautiful

hut in the hill station, me and my beloved living a beautiful life where only love prevails,

she in my arms and I having an infinite love for her, but all my dreams dashed to the

ground. My love was in the mortuary and I was collecting the corpse of the time spent

with her.

***************************

Some scraps of my college days

Contentment is a great virtue, though it may not attract one's attention at first.

Those who are truly content are usually quiet about it. It is a pleasure to be in their

company, because they are full, peaceful, and generous. In my college days, I was a very

introvert guy, didn't talk much with girls. But I like to share my views through my

poetries and writings for which sometimes I have to face criticism from my close ones.

Big desires, big thoughts and big sayings all are the part of my life but more hypothetical

than realistic, veil my emotions, my thoughts from everyone except me. In my college

days I had a strong desire to be in love and be loved.

In my graduation days I was infatuated for a girl living near my house. It was one

sided love affair, she used to take tuitions with me in my school days and I never

expressed what I felt for her as I myself didn't know what was that. My heartbeat used to

increase on seeing her. She used to come to my house to take books and notes from me.

But I didn't talk much with her. She was junior to me in my college. It was my strong

desire to see her once a day. One day she left my college as she was going to join a

course with some foreign university. I was very much hurt on hearing that.

Though she didn‟t know about my feelings for her yet I experienced the feeling of

love for the first time in my life. Love is a very unique feeling and if it is both sided then

nothing is sweeter than that. It is said that the spaces between our fingers were created so

that another's could fill them in. It definitely changed my life and gave me a new

enthusiasm and energy to live life and I thanked God for letting me experience this

beautiful thing in life.

LOVE: We think about it, Sing about it, Dream about it && Loose sleep worrying about it.

When we don't know we have it, we search for it. When we discover it, we don't know what

to do with it. When we have it, we fear loosing it. It is the constant source of pleasure

and pain. But we don't know which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short

word, easy to spell, difficult to define && IMPOSSIBLE to live without.

“Love is a better teacher than duty."

- Albert Einstein

It was the mid of February 2006, I was standing with my friend Sunil on my roof

top. I had completed graduation in engineering and used to help my brother in his

business. Wanted to fly in sky, had high aims but my health seemed to be a big

deterrence in that. Me and Sunil used to talk about everything, politics, new trends and

girls etc etc etc etc. I was having a look on the contact list in his mobile and one number

that struck was of a girl named Sonia. I asked him who the girl was. He told me that she

was his classmate and now worked in airlines and also that it was very difficult to handle

her. Being little bit overconfident I told him that nothing is impossible.

Next day I sent her a message on her mobile phone “Hi. How are you?”

She called and asked “May I know who you are?”

I got confused and asked “Are you Maya?”, then simply kept the phone.

Maya being the name of my best friend in college struck to me in haste.

I again send a message “Hi, I am Sunil‟s friend, Can we be friends?”

She asked “Which Sunil?”

I replied “Your classmate in Masters”

She replied “ok”

Then I again asked her “Can we be friends?”

She replied “Yeah, as you are Sunil‟s friend, I am automatically your friend”

I was very happy and excited that day. It was mine first experience of a different

type of friendship with a girl whom I had never seen. Being physically not fit I had

always desired to be in company of a girl with whom I would have shared a special

relationship like any other normal boy of my age. It is the stigma of Indian society that a

person with any sort of disability is not accepted by a normal person of the opposite sex

as a life partner or as a special friend. But I was very much excited about the girl without

worrying about the impact of my disease on our relationship.

Next day I sent her message “Hi, how are you, how was the day for you?”

She replied instantaneously “Good, I am fine. What about you?”

I replied “I am also fine. Do you have any boyfriend?”

She replied “I am not that type of girl, so don‟t ever think like that.”

It made me laugh as every girl would say the same and was not at all surprised. At that

stage of life I was very hard hearted man, without love for anyone and not much for my

family even. I only thought of my own pleasures, at whatever cost it may be. I had no

idea that life was going to change and which would make me so soft hearted.

So I started interacting with Sonia very frequently but only through messages on

phone as I was too scared of talking to her directly and meeting also because I felt that if

we meet then she would have come to know about my physical condition.

She messaged me at 10 pm and asked “Where are you?”

I replied “I was busy finding job for me on internet”

She replied “Talk to me dear”

I asked “So, what do you think about me?”

She replied “You are a friend with whom I can share anything anytime and who

will be there by my side whenever I need”

This touched my heart and I am unable to express my feelings at that moment. I didn't

know what had happened to me that night, I was so happy without knowing reason for

the same. Everything seemed so so beautiful.

Life after that seemed so exciting and beautiful that I did not worry about my

health condition and consequences of the same. We used to chat through messages on

mobile phone for one month and I didn't know even how her voice sounded. I was

hesitant in talking to her and I think she also felt the same.One day my friend Rohit asked me if there was someone who could tell about the fare of

airlines as he had to go to Bangalore for interview. I said, “yes, one of my friends is in

airlines” and I called her.

I said “Hi”

She had not expected my call. So hesitantly she replied “hi”

I asked “one of my friends has to go to Bangalore, so can you please tell me the

fare”

She replied in a low tone “yeah, I will let you know tomorrow”.

I replied “ok”.

It was a strange experience of talking to a girl with whom I had good friendship but only

through messages. Through messages we came to know well about each other. We cared

for each other but on voice call it seemed as if we were strangers to each other. Next day

she called me up and told about fares of airlines and asked me to repeat what she was told

by her. I replied hesitantly but was not in order. She gave a laugh and cut the call. It was

a great experience that she shared her laugh with me.

I messaged her “your laugh is very beautiful”.

She replied “Thanks but I was very much scared while talking to you, don‟t know

why”

I replied “Me too, and that‟s why I didn't remember what was said by you.”

Then next day I called her and talked to her. Now I was bit less hesitant in talking to her.

I was feeling some energy in my body. I didn't know from where it came. I felt as if

some angel had stepped into my life and gave some meaning and strength to it. That night

she called me at 1am. I was very much surprised on getting call. We talked till 5 in

morning. She asked me about my family etc etc. I asked her to cut the call but she kept on

telling that she was not feeling sleepy and wanted to talk to me. That day I realised that

Sonia had something for me and she really cared for me. But I could not gather courage

to tell her about my health and about my inabilities. I was scared of telling her these

things as I was afraid losing her. For the first time I blamed God and medical science for

my sufferings.