Cold, almost ice cold, and yet it felt refreshing. The soothing water passed over my blistered feet, revitalising them. Judging by the heat and the position of the sun, it was noon. I had been running for over an hour.

My breathing, finally, calmed as I gazed at the water flowing in front of me. The current had me hypnotised and my eyes remained fixated on the stones that lay at the bottom of the crystal stream. A flurry of thoughts came rushing, as I tried to make sense of them, I began to slouch and felt the remaining few ounces of energy seep out of me.

Sure, things hadn't been going smooth in our relationship, but I had been trying to make it work. Between meeting deadlines at the magazine and trying to get the mortgage for the flat, I barely had time to breathe. When I did make time, she was always occupied with a birthday, anniversary, or some ladies lunch. Finally, it all made sense. I couldn't believe how blind I had been. If I had just paid a little more attention and raised my head once in a while, it would have been as clear to me as the stream I was peering into.

I had all the pieces in our place for our special day together. The plan was to arrive at Sophia's house and first surprise her with breakfast in bed. A basket of warm of warm croissants along with scrambled eggs and a simple hot chocolate. I was then going to take her cycling in the park followed by a champagne brunch for just the two of us. It was going to be a simple day, filled with romance and quality time. But it won't be happen anymore, she ruined everything.

They must've heard me climbing up the stairs since he was already standing by the bed, hastily pulling up his underwear. I don't remember what crossed in my mind at that instant. I was blank and yet a crushing array of emotions passed through me. I remember feeling enough rage to pounce on him and tear his limbs apart. The crashing tray snapped me out of my bewilderment and when my gaze hit the floor, I saw the juice and coffee gush over her beige shag carpet. I stood there and stared, not knowing what to say or even think. I remember her saying something to me but I couldn't make out what it was.

The stinging on my hand brought me out of my hypnotic state. I saw the little vampire feasting on me, and with one crushing strike, sent him to his doom. If only I could have done to Drew what I had done to mosquito. The reality was that it was not as much his fault as it was hers. I had always believed that it was human nature to prey on what others possessed, so much so that no coveting what belonged to others was the tenth commandment. But, Sophia allowed it to happen.

I lost count of how many minutes or hours I had spent sitting by the stream, but after awhile, I had lost all feeling in my feet. I wasn't sure if it was the water or the pain that had left me numb all over. It was time to head off but not home, not yet. I began to walk around, staring at the moist green grass beneath my feet. Suddenly, I had nothing to do.

Eventually, I'd have to go home but sitting there alone within those four walls would drive me insane. I had to concentrate on getting control of my mind. I focused on my sorroundings, feeling the gentle breeze brushing my hair, the quiet rush of the stream and the open air. That's when it struck me.. For christ sake the car! I had left the car in her driveway.

Was he still there?

Had she called me?

Had she noticed my car parked outside?

Thoughts began to race faster. That was it. I would never go back to that house again. I was alone. It was over. A deep dark sadness enveloped me and I collapsed onto the grass in sheer emotional exhaustion. The weight in my chest grew heavier as the lump in my throat increased in girth. A whirlwind of emotions swept through me. Too many to count, let alone describe, but two emotions were consistent, sorrow and rage.

I had met Andrew but we call him Drew instead at our weekly basketball game. He was just another one of the guys. Sophia would come and watch us play; a habit of hers I treasured. I never knew if she came because she knew how much I liked having her there, or because she enjoyed watching the game. That was also where they first met. How many times most I have played with him, unaware of the reality that continued to transpire around me? Who else knew? My head was spinning and I felt nauseous. I had been such a naive fool.

The skies began to darken and I realised that hours had passed while I sat drowning in my mystery. Standing up, I walked to curb and hailed a cab. The car would have to be left for another day.

It was early March and I was still settling in. I had moved from Manila to Manhattan a month ago and hardly knew anyone, I need to focus myself into something different.

Evenings and weekends were usually spent watching movies and sport in my aunts house. One friday night, an acquaintance invited me to a fashion show with a colleague of his. I accepted without deliberation, oblivious of the magnitude to which the events of that night would affect my life.

The thought of sexy models strutting their clad bodies down a runway had us eagerly pacing down West 52nd Street. Once we arrived, however, I learned there was no fashion show, but instead we had entered a party. As expected, when entering an event full of strangers, heads turned and stared. Our broad smiles transformed into shock. Breaking away from others, I headed straight to the bar refuge.

My eyes darted around and scouted the venue as the red-vested bartender poured my drink. The air was thick to the aroma of american cuisine. In the corner, a buffet was laid out with oily appetisers and paper plates, while stained curtains had been draped over folded tables. No one seemed to notice or care though, as they were content with jumping around to the latest American songs on the makeshift wooden dance floor.

Drinks in hand, we stood and watched people dance. A few sips into my rum and soda, I turned around and noticed the wall of men standing behind us, also surveying the dance floor. It was like being placed amidst a disturbing group of onlookers were observing an orgy. A horrific thought crossed my mind.

"I've just arrived in New York and I'm already a loser!"

However, the voyeurism continued as I sat between the other two at a table. Soon realising that neither of them was going to make the slightiest effort to socialize and were instead content to let the night slip by, I shook my head in disgust and downed my liquor. Excusing myself, I found my way out of the male human sandwich in which I had been the meat, and fled to the restroom.

With the name 'Vanessa Clurkson' staring back at me, I established that I had to shed my shy personality and make a conscious effort to mingle. It was an ideal opportunity to make a fresh start, and I couldn't afford to be complacent. Turning towards the sink, I began conversing with the only other person in the restroom.

"Do you come here often?". Realising what I had just said, I quickly injected , "Err.. I mean to these events?"

"No.. not really. Just once in a while."

The bathroom banter continued as Nheil and I headed back to the solitary bar. Fortunately, he didn't think I was trying to pick him up, nor was he type to hang around a men's room waiting to be picked up while humming 'I want your sex'.

Nheil had arrived alone that evening, but back at the bar, we ran into some of his friends. Of the four girls to whom I was introduced, I only recalled the names of the first two. Later, I decided to invite the seated pieces of bread to join us. As we stood together, I asked Nheil to introduce his friends, but he said he didn't know the other two girls, so I boldly circled around to the semi-strangers.

"Hi, sorry, I didn't get your name."

"Sophia, and you are?"

"Chad."

"Nice to meet you again," she smiled. "You have a bit of an accent, where are you from?"

"Manila Philippines. I just moved here last month."

"Wow.. that's a big change. What are you doing here?" She asked as she sipped her drink.

"I have a column in a lifestyle magazine. You may have heard of it, it's called ' The Daily Life'."

"Sorry, I haven't. But then again, I don't really get much time to read."

"Oh.. really?" I leaned in closer to her ear, "So, what is it that you do?"

"I'm in Med School."

"Whoah!" I looked at my watch, "Isn't it past your bed time?"

She smiled.

We chatted for a while and when we finally raised our heads, eveyone had dispersed. Our friends had gone in their separate directions while we stood there in our own little world. We looked at each other and continued talking.

As the evening progressed, we had been together for most of it. The song kept the mood relaxed as our conversation flowed. She hinted that the song ( Can't help falling inlove) playing was her favourite and with that cue, I pulled her to the dance floor.

Soon after, the DJ played the timeless 'Too close' by Next. Taking the mood to the next level, I inched closer towards her and she reciprocated. We melted into the song and into each other. It was then realised, not every part of me was under my control. I attempted to back away as subtly as possible, but as soon as I did, I feared that maybe others around could see what I did not want her to feel. I tried not to be too close, nor too far, while staying composed and maintaining my rhythm.

Making our way to the rest of the group, I couldn't help but smile and feel like the man of the hour. Eventually, the rest of the sandwich went home and I mingled with my newfound friends. Towards the end of that evening, Sophia came up from behind and wrapped her arms around me, holding me close, it was as if this was the way we had always been.

The reflection in the mirror said it all. Dark circles around bloodshot eyes; the result of a restless night with few intermittent naps. It was the first day, and it was going to be a long one. I will contemplated skipping work but knew all too well, it would only make things worse.

Afterall, an idle mind Sophia's playground, I thought to myself. All I could do now was keep busy and get through this, get through to the other side.

I resembled a rapid dog as foam trickled down the side of my mouth and dripped down in to the white sink. That's when I heard barking in my head and figured it was the first step to insanity.

They came once again, the muddled thoughts about Sophia; I remembered the beautiful moments we shared, the priceless memories we had created and cherished. I remembered the multiple cliche candlelit dinners, the 2am knock on her door in the rain because I just couldn't wait to see her . I remembered her walking up behind me, leaning in and gently resting her head on my back while I shaved in the mornings. I always smiled when I rang the doorbell and heard her anxiously scurry to the door.

Then like a wrecking ball, the image of Drew and Sophia came out nowhere, shattering my memories. My grip on the basin tightened as I shut my eyes and leaned over. The hollow pain rushed in with increasing, pulsing and throbbing. I bit hard on the toothbrush, ripping out the bristles.

I stared at the numbers blinking at the same single beat. I wanted to hear the messages. I wanted to know if she had called and what she said. I wanted to hear her cry and beg for forgiveness.

But what if she hadn't called?

How much would that hurt?

If she did call, how much would her message hurt?

What if her message was in line with us splitting up and she wanted her things?

I was going insane! I plugged the phone back in and walked away, leaving the machine blinking.

As the distance to her home shortened, the pace of my heart quickened.

Would she be standing outside? Probably not, it was far too early in the morning to be up. The fact that it took me almost twenty minutes to get a cab was evidence of that. Part of me wanted to see her, and yet, I hoped I wouldn't. The battle between my heart and mind was going to ruin me. This confusion between logic and desire was devouring my soul. As the internal struggle intensified, I tried to boil it down to the hard facts:

Do you have feelings for her?

Yes

Do you miss her?

No

Could you be with her?

"Fuck no!" I whispered, as my hand turned into a fist, digging my nails into the palm.

"What was that?" Asked the driver, "I couldn't quite hear you."

"No nothing. It was nothing."

This was always the part I hated about break-ups, the recovery. It takes far too long, the extreme and unpredictable mood swings sparked off by insignificant reminders. Them, there are the moments of weakness, when we want nothing more than to be with the person. We justify calling the person, knowing that doing so only makes it harder, after which, we are faced with the gaping void we try to fill. We seek companionship and security and give way to vulnerable desperation. As a result, we jump from person to person, only to realize in the quiet moments that the void remains. The cycle continues, and we're trapped in a descending spiral.

As we approached her house, I saw no one outside. In spite of my unrealistic expectations, I couldn't keep the awful feeling of dissapointment at bay. I stood at the end of the pebble path flanked by luscious grass, and stared at the wooden door, desperately hoping that it would fly open and she'd run to me teary eyed and arms spread wide.

"Fucking drama scenes" I chuckled as I turned away from the porch.

Walking towards my car, I recalled her spontaneous reaction when she had first seen it. Initially she didn't like the inferno red pearl colour, but it gradually grew on her. She had wanted me to lease a BMW or a Lexus, but after taking a spin or two in the Dodge Charger, she was smitten.

I caught a whiff of her familiar jasmine scent while pulling the doors shut. Her presence must have always been there, but today was when I first noticed it. I took a deep breath to inhale it completely. I felt like smoker taking his first drag after months of deprivation.

Eyes shut, I allowed the scent to fuel the memories that flickered in my mind. Sophia's aroma filled my lungs, invoking a deep desire for her. With that came the sinking feeling of depression, one I knew I'd experience often.

I saw a cream coloured envelope pinned under the left wiper. I reached out to grab it and it simply read 'Chad'. There was no 'Dear' or any other term of endearment. I traced my forefinger over her handwriting. As pretty as it was, it felt so empty and yet heavy.

I wanted to tear it open and read the note, but I was scared. I looked up, but there was no one by the window . The next emotion, anger was on its way.

I flung the envelope onto the passenger seat and slammed the accelerator to the floor. The tires screeched, undoubtedly leaving skid marks on the tarmac.the send in the car now fed the feelings of betrayal and humiliation that I suffered. For whom I once only wished joy and happiness, I now desired pain and misfortune.

How rapidly emotions could swing from one extreme to another!

How suddenly had I been forced to cross that thin line between love and hate!

I wanted vengeance, I wanted her to be hurt, to suffer and most importantly, I wanted her to regret.