“No Grandma! Why did you die so young?”

The effeminate hipster Nathan Mortimer wiped a tear from his eyes with his facemask, exposing the green-dyed beard below. The few times Nathan had ever reflected over his grandmother’s passing, he had always seen it as a Hollywood moment. In his vision, the whole family had gathered at her deathbed to hear her final words. The reality was much bleaker. Nathan's parents were out of state and they had no intention to return to Victoria and indefinite house arrest to see the old beloved lady croak over. As for Nathan he had been too late to the hospital. Spending his last money on soy lattes had been an unwise move as he couldn’t afford an Uber ride to the hospital.

A female doctor approached Nathan and spoke:

- So, you must be Emma’s grandson? I am sorry about the loss of your grandma, but I can assure you she didn’t suffer.

The doctor’s nonchalant attitude angered Nathan and he exclaimed:

- Mmphhr, fuckmws, hmmph.

The doctor gave him a confused look and replied:

- Pardon me?

Nathan took off his face diaper and replied:

- I am sorry. I can’t speak properly through the facemask when I am upset.

A nurse came rushing towards them with a new facemask, but the doctor waved her away, took off her mask, and gave Nathan a sympathetic smile. The doctor said:

- I understand. It is hard to lose someone. However, she lived longer than most and she died peacefully. Were you close to her?

Nathan reflected over his answer. He had never been close to his grandma because she came from an Eastern European communist country and she had a thick foreign accent. Worst of all, she disliked communism and the self-proclaimed Supreme Leader of the state of Victoria, Ms Danielle Anders. Nathan:

- Not really. But it is hard to lose someone so early. I thought we would have many years to mend our broken relationship.

The doctor gave Nathan a confused look and replied:

- Lose someone so early? Emma was 95 years old and she had cancer, diabetes, and kidney failure. It is a miracle that she lived long enough to die from Coldvir-20.

Nathan:

- I don’t believe in miracles. I only trust in Marx ideologies, the science, and gender-neutral bathrooms.

Doctor:

- Oh, you are one of those people. I need to get back to my other patients, but the hospital will be in touch so you can organise the funeral of your dear grandmother.

Having said this, the doctor rushed off, realising the pointlessness in arguing with an unemployed radical left-wing hipster, and because she actually had a job to do.

Nathan gave the doctor a death-stare, and feelings off passive-aggressive progressivism overwhelmed him. Nathan wanted revenge. But how could he make the doctor’s life miserable through leveraging the powers of cancel culture? The doctor hadn’t been racist, homophobic, or denying climate change. Downplaying the tragedy in grandma Emma’s death could cause some uproar on Reddit. However, since the doctor had a job, she wouldn’t be lurking in the left wing forums in any case.

When Nathan was reflecting over his revenge, his eyes caught something crucial. It was a list of people that had tested positive for Cold virus 20 in Brunswick, Victoria in the latest month. His grandmother had lived at a nursing home in Brunswick and one of the people on this list could be the careless science-denier that had murdered his grandmother through spreading the terrible virus. Filled with a new purpose in life, Nathan grabbed the list, determined to find his grandma’s murderer.

State Premier Danielle Anders, also known as Dictator Danielle, was trying to keep a stern and solemn face, although she was bubbling with joy on the inside, as she gave the daily virus update in front of her loyal reporters from the press. Her loyal Chief Medical Officer, Professor Button, who wasn’t a real professor, had tested enough elderly people to find 650 individuals that were infected with Coldvir-20 when they died. 650 was an ideal number to achieve Danielle's goals for Victoria. It was enough deaths to justify a CCP-inspired police state led by Danielle. Yet it was fewer Coldvir-20 deaths than some other nations, showing that her lockdowns were working. Danielle:

- So, sadly 650 people died with Coldvir-20 in August. I have tried my best to keep this number down, but unfortunately, we have a lot of people that don’t believe in masks and indefinite house arrest. Because of these selfish people, I will ask the parliament to grant me even more powers to deal with this terrible virus. Any questions?

Danielle felt aggression shaking her to the core when her rival from Sky News, Alana Tones took off her mask and revealed her face. Alana spoke towards the premier:

- I have a question about the death numbers. In August 2019 Victoria had 4000 deaths, of which 650 deaths stated “old age” as the primary reason. This year Victoria had 4000 deaths, but none of them states “old age” on the death certificate. Did “Professor” Button relabel last year’s death statistics, changing “old age” to “Coldvir-20”?

Danielle had an epiphany. “Professor” Button was a full-blown idiot and he didn’t even know how to lie with credibility. Relabelling all “old age” deaths as Coldvir deaths? Any sensible person would manipulate statistics better than that. Being a seasoned politician and serial liar, Danielle tried changing the topic:

- I don’t like how you insinuate that old people’s lives don’t matter. But tell me this, how many people under 30 died of “old age” last year?

Alana gave Danielle a sceptical look and replied:

- None, of course, what a ridiculous question.

Danielle looked at her presentation and was ready to swing the axe on Alana when she made a terrible realisation. No-one under the age of 30 had died with Coldvir-20 in August. Ouch. Danielle wasn’t going to concede so she said:

- Thus, I can guarantee you that anyone below 30 who dies from Coldvir-20 wouldn’t have died from old age otherwise. A few young people will be dying soon, proving that this virus is very lethal to everyone. This marks the end of this press conference. I would appreciate it if Sky News didn’t undermine my hard work to keep Victorians safe. Dismissed.

Having said this, Danielle put on her facemask. Unfortunately, the strap to her facemask got stuck in her microphone, causing both the mic and Danielle to fall to the floor. Ouch!

Nathan Mortimer was watching the press conference on his iPad in the safety of his home, far away from all the selfish plague carriers outside. His Centrelink payment had landed in his account and this made him feel a bit better about himself. In an hour, he would mask up and head to a local coffee shop for a takeaway soy latte. The local coffee shop had a coffee happy hour between 3 and 4pm. Besides, fewer virus spreaders were waiting for coffee at that time of the day.

Danielle’s words on the press conference had given Nathan a double purpose in life. He could avenge his grandma through murdering enough young people with Coldvir-20 to prove that the virus was dangerous to everyone. If he played his cards right, Victoria could be in lockdown for another year, paving the path for the future communist utopia with Danielle Anders as the Supreme Leader.

Nathan had a brief moment of hesitation. Was it morally correct to go on a murderous spree and terrorise 6 million people because his 95-year-old estranged grandma had died? Wouldn’t it be easier to take up contact with his other grandma?

Nathan took up his phone and sent a text message to his grandma Loretta Mortimer: “Hi Grandma. I have terrible news. Grandma Emma died this morning from Coldvir-20. I just wanted to find out whether you are okay.”

A few minutes later, Nathan’s phone pinged with a voice message: “I thought she died years ago. Don’t you worry about me, you pink-haired poof. You’re still not in my will. **** off. / Loretta”

Ouch.

Realising that he wouldn’t inherit any money to keep funding his parasitic lifestyle, Nathan needed to support a communist takeover for his own sake, blissfully unaware that true communists don’t appreciate pink-haired parasites either. Nathan added “Contract Coldvir-20 and infect grandma Loretta to punish her for her homophobia" on his to-do list. After that, he left for the coffee shop to feed his caffeine addiction. Once he was caffeinated, he would plan his first murder.

***

“We need some young people to die from Coldvir-20!” Danielle exclaimed in a private meeting with her Chief Medical Officer “Professor” Button.

Professor Button gave her a confused look and replied:

- Why? How? Do you think a lot of young people die from catching a cold?

Danielle:

- Because someone thought it was a good idea to relabel the statistics of last year’s “deaths from old age” to this year’s “deaths from Coldvir-20”.

Professor Button:

- Oh really. Who would do something that stupid?

Danielle:

- You did, Professor Button.

Professor Button:

- I can’t recall doing that?

Danielle:

- You can’t recall botching up hotel quarantine either. The Coldvir-20 infected Escort Emily in room 202 at the Grand Chancellor has made $5,000 during quarantine from fucking the guards and police officers that were meant to keep her locked up.

Professor Button:

- To be fair, you have told people to work from home. Emily was following your directive or so, I have been told.

Danielle:

- Gasp! Don’t say you slept with her too?!

Professor Button:

- In my defence, she offers very competitive rates, and my dating life has been a bit poor because of the lockdowns.

Danielle:

- So, the cold that you had last month, was it Cold Virus 20?

Professor Button:

- Well, I never got tested so we’ll never know.

Danielle:

- You bloody idiot. Do you realise the implications if I get infected from this cold?

Professor Button:

- You’ll get a runny nose and you will feel under the weather for a few days?

Danielle:

- I’ll look like an idiot. How can I protect the population from this virus by introducing a Chinese Communist Party-style dictatorship if I can’t protect myself? I am giving you one chance to redeem yourself “Professor” Button. You need to find some young people that died with Coldvir-20, otherwise, I’ll fire you and I’ll blame you for the hotel quarantine debacle.

Professor Button:

- Understood, State Premier Anders. I will double my efforts.

Having said this, Professor Button put on his facemask and fled the furious Danielle in terror.