Sometimes just a mere glint of red is enough to convey one's gratitude. I saw it in him. The way his eyes flickered around her is enough to voice out his feelings.
That's how Alex was around Zoe. Flustered rosy cheeks were too evident on him around her. I fucking hate how that soft side is just reserved for her. For Zoe. While he usually shows his cold exterior to the world, including me.
That's not how we used to be. I miss him, the frank and soft side he used to show, the genuine laughter, staying by my side when I needed him. It all just stopped. With time. He started avoiding me, until his avoidance was pretty much evident. Something changed between us. But I have no one but myself to take the blame for it.
I wonder if he regrets pacing out too. I realised things; stuff I wasn't supposed to.
Just when I realised I loved him, I started avoiding him like crazy. I regret every part of that stupid decision. I wonder what would happen if I stepped up and confessed my love for him. Would he still have walked away, far away to lose track of us?
I've been bed-ridden for as long as I can remember. I've entirely changed from how I used to be. The trauma, the depression, his absence; it all just contributed to my downfall. I apparently seem to have lost my fitness, I can't even touch my toes at this point. It hurts, that I lost it all.
This game, she won it. The winner takes it all, rises above towards Heaven. To God. No matter what I do, I'll never compare to her. In my parent's eyes. In Alex's. After all, she took the privilege to rise while the loser has to fall deep down in the abyss.
But that was all five years ago. I need to go. I need to... stay put. Sometimes, I wonder what the world now looks like. I think it's time to step out. Time to have fun again.
Let's look pretty once more. Just once.
I lift my legs, and reach out for my slippers. All these years, I never stepped out. Ordered takeout when needed. I guess online shopping always helped me survive?
I walk towards the mirror, only to grasp a sight of that terrifying sight ahead. I've gained weight. No wonder, I felt bulky all those years. Having too much of snacks maybe aided to his horrifying scenario. Can't blame it, too delicious to endure.
As for clothes, my parents delivered them over so I had no idea of the size. I feel embarrassed now, not kidding.
I grab my pajamas and slippers to step out, with my phone in hand. It maybe is a small step out, but a giant leap for my life. Looking shabby, I glance around and walk through my colony. And I stayed in home for that asshole? I missed out on this scenery, for him?
With all the joy in my heart, I capture the present of my own colony. The pictures of illicit glances merely a trifle to others, but a rare sight to me.
As I walk about, I capture a familiar figure within the frame. I think it's.... ALEX???? My gaze lingers to find that body and there he is. IT'S HIM!!! O, my love.
He stood out of a seemingly exquisite restaurant. To my surprise, Alex walked in with a bouquet of red roses, seemingly waiting for someone. He stood in a two-piece suit, with a cold demeanor. Was he out on a DATE?
It's a blessing in disguise to have my look completely changed. At least now, I don't have to worry about Lex noticing me. It's so strange, seeing him wait for his date.
I stalked his Instagram profile, and found him posing intimately around a girl tagged zoelicksjiminstoes. I unknowingly clicked her profile page, and found her to a massive BTS fan. Apparently, it's a korean boy band, and is doing military services for their country. The fans, named armies, are crazily waiting for their return over the internet.
In 2024, everything has changed. I'm no longer the gullible girl I used to be. But I'm also neither the campus belle too.
Zoe is a pretty girl, who seemingly stays with Lex. She's either always at work, partying with Lex, or holidaying. Sometimes I envy her. She's everything I wanted. The life was hers but that thing once was my dream too. But not anymore. Lex isn't mine anymore. He never was.
I'm not some scum who would crave other's happiness.
...In the end, it's never him and I....
I walk away, when I watch Zoe step out of a seemingly luxurious car, and peck a kiss on his cheeks. My heart undoubtedly feels heavy.
With my wretched heart, I walk back home, eyeing duets more than ever.
I can't walk away, from the love of my life. With job, stacked, canned food, takeout, tight-fitted clothes which undoubtedly appear oversized for others—that's exactly how my life has been these few years.
I have also grown to love manhwa. I wonder if everyone feels the same. Likewise, I'm the only one, stacked, blushing over the love life of heavenly fictional characters.
Those Korean comics were my only escape, back in those miserable days. How do I grow, now that I'm a grown young lady?
As I walk through the void park, deluded in my realm of thoughts, I stumble upon an uneven pebble. Damn, this stone.
I feel a snicker behind me, a chuckle clearly mocking me. I turn back to notice a scrawny figure, in baggy jeans and tight-fitted tank top.
Weirdo.
After laughing fits, he reaches out his hand, my eyes sparkling at his kind gesture. I should be angry, he just laughed at me. However, I stare at his hand unknowingly. When was the last time a human was kind to me?
I glance at his face, and my love, was he the prettiest guy my eyes ever fell on. Dark eyelashes embracing his doe eyes, his amber iris making way for honesty.
I close the distance between our palms, grasping his hand and getting myself up. I shove off the dust off my shoulders.
His soft hands help me up, and I, for the very first time, have the urge to set my heart bright. Will I be able to really do it? To let go of the past, and embrace my new heart?
There lies a girl, in that messy mud. I wonder if she felt humiliated, that I pushed her buttons, laughed hard at her.Initially I wanted to just help her up, but she was too cute to resist.
Entwined with my fingers lies a chubby beauty. Her skin so fair, enough to make my insecurities rise to the sky. Will I ever be able to be as pretty as her?
Being a femboy is hard these days. I almost feel like giving up on my Instagram profile. I have more haters than I can ever count. Perhaps a normal man would compare it to counting stars. But at least stars are pretty to watch from light years afar, unlike the haters.
Being ridiculed since forever, I don't have the last shred of courage in me. I've never felt so happy, but not until my eyes coincidentally landed on this pretty fairy.
"Little fairy, are you okay?" I mutter, my lips revealing thoughts I wasn't supposed to, the nickname I was supposed to keep only to myself.
She's caught off-guard when she notices the little nickname she just got. "Ahh... I'm good." She finally rises up, and shoves dust off her shoulders.
"T-thank you," she stutters.
Cute.
God, how am I supposed to let go of my new obsession?
Flustered and embarrassed, she seemingly tries to run from the park. From me.
I reach for her hand, only to pull her towards me in a swift flow. She stomps on my chest, my hands on her waist.
"Can we exchange contacts?"
She nods, and I grab my phone from my bag, and hand it over to her. She types her number, my gaze heated. God, she's so cute.
She runs away immediately after handing me over my phone. I shove my phone into the bag, and advance towards my home.
Just, as I stand in front of my apartment, I get reminded of my dreams, my passions. I've always wanted to be known for who I am. Being in that masculine facade for more than a decade, I'm genuinely tired.
I throw my bags on the floor, and head towards my bed, feeling both devastated and flustered. Devastated at my failure, flustered for the girl.
It's the first time some girl caught my eye. I can't help but blush. She looked so innocent, so sweet. I felt my image of the ideal city girl falling, her angelic face surrounding my vision. All I thought they were full of was malice, but she? She's divine.
Just as I start to throw my tank top afar, my doorbell rings. Agitated, I wear my slippers ferociously, and head to the door. If she saw me, she would probably think I'm like a fiery kitten.
I rush to the door, surprised to see the face I've been thinking about since I met her. It's her.
But how?
How much longer does the world intend to make me suffer?
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