Dracula: A Comedy Of Terrors
Pt 1
Jonathan
October the 5th, 1897.Dearest Lucy, apologies for my unsteady penmanship. I write to you from the inside of a carriage en route to my client's home in the mountains of Transylvania.
Jonathan
excuse me, driver? any chance you could slow it down a smidge? The road is awfully bumpy, and with my chronic vertigo and digestive issues, I'm afraid I'm rather worse for wear.
driver: this area is extremely treacherous
Jonathan
oh yes, I've done my research, but I couldn't find any of these roads on the map!
driver: of course not. no one who travels here ever comes back.
driver: there is nothing here but centuries of death, destruction and evil!
Jonathan
are they alright? the horses?
driver: oh yes, I've trained them to punctuate my lines for dramatic effect
driver: sometimes, they overdo it.
Jonathan
well I hope they've enough strength for the remainder of journey because I have to get to the castle. I have urgent business with Count Dracula
driver: Count Dracula? I beg of you sir, heed my warning, do not enter that wretched castle!
Jonathan
well I can find something nice to say about any home. it's my job. I'm a real estate broker
horses exhale. clopping stops. wind through trees
Jonathan
why have the horses stopped?
driver: they sense danger. must be the man-eating wolves. you'll have to walk the rest of the way
Jonathan
but what about the wolves?
driver: try this *pull a braid of garlic from a hidden pocket and tosses it to Jonathan*
driver: from the farmers market in Bucharest. God be with you sir. and please... Remember to give me five stars.
driver hold out a tip screen. thunder. lightning. driver disappears
Jonathan Harker made his way through the Carpathian woods
where he could see the outline of the wolves through the trees, staring at him hungrily, growling with menace. he was terrified like Margaret Thatcher at a dental convention. just as the wolves was poised to attack
Jonathan
good doggy. good doggy. who's a good doggy? how about some fresh garlic then?
Jonathan
don't you want any? it's from the farmers market! huh. how queer.
with the path cleared, he made his way to the front of the castle, he saw it through the fog. a vast Gothic structure. not a glimpse of light could be seen
Jonathan
I say, the driver was right, it is awfully creepy. I can see why he wants to move. oh well, here goes...
and right there, dressed entirely in black, stood none other than. a door open to reveal Count Dracula, a rock star
Count Dracula
Count Dracula. Nice to meet you.
Count Dracula
Alexa, turn down the music!
Jonathan
so good to finally be here
Dracula shakes his hand, and Jonathan shrinks in pain
Jonathan
it was... quite a journey.
Count Dracula
welcome to my house. please note that you will have entered under no duress and of your own free will
Jonathan
isn't that a unique greeting?
Count Dracula
liability issues
Jonathan
speaking of, is your solicitor here? for the signing, I mean.
Count Dracula
I couldn't find out who keeps my hours.
Jonathan
yes. I wondering why we had to meet so late. it's a bit... unorthodox, isn't it?
Count Dracula
I'm a unicorn. you actually caught me in the middle of my morning workout.
Jonathan
morning? it's nearly midnight.
Count Dracula
I slept late. where are my manners? can I get you something to drink? to eat?
Dracula sexily removes Jonathan's Jacket
Jonathan
you wouldn't happen to have anything gluten free, cruelty free, vegan, non-GMO, and certified organic, would you?
Count Dracula
*to himself* I love houseguests
Count Dracula
*to Jonathan* you're in luck. I get all my overpriced produce from the farmers market in town.
Jonathan
perfect. in fact, that's where my carriage driver got this fresh garlic! look!
He pull out the braid of garlic. Dracula recoils, hisses
Jonathan
you alright there, Dracula?
Count Dracula
oh yes. just... allergic.
Jonathan
bad luck! makes cooking a challenge, eh?
Count Dracula
not at all! I'm a Baker. more sweet that savory.
Jonathan
oh lovely. I'm sure Mrs. Dracula appreciates that
Count Dracula
there is no Mrs. Dracula.
Jonathan
oh. forgive my presumption.
Count Dracula
no, naturally you assumed as much.
Count Dracula
I'm highly desirable
Dracula begins to do pushups on the bench
Count Dracula
but I've been through every single person in Romania, and I have yet to find the right one.
Jonathan
it is a small country, I suppose.
Count Dracula
full of small-minded people. how many more conversations can a man have about chicken coops and borscht? I long for someone who will challenge me;a match; an equal! someone whose strength of character makes me want to be better. also, they have to be hot. that is what I truly crave, Mr Harker; the love, the companionship, the taste of that one special person.
Count Dracula
I'm sorry, the trust of that one special person.
Jonathan
well, no shortages of singletons in London! let's get you there straight away. I have all the legal documents for you to take ownership of your five new properties.
they sit next to one another. Jonathan offers him a thick stack of legal papers to sign
Jonathan
so I'll just need you autograph here.
he offers a pen and points where to sign
Jonathan
here. here. here. here.
Count Dracula
I'm not even reading this.
Jonathan
here. here. here. and initial...
Jonathan
here, lovely. and then there's the litter matter... of the cheque.
Count Dracula
ah yes, I have that prepared.
Dracula pulls a cheque out of thin air
Jonathan
cheers very much. lots of zeros on this one, eh?
Count Dracula
remarkable. real estate has gone through the roof since the Punic wars.
Jonathan
Punic Wars! you're funny! yes, it's bloody expensive isn't it?
Count Dracula
investments. I want to have a foothold in all the best neighborhoods
Jonathan
I admire your business acumen. might I ask what you do for work?
Count Dracula
you englishmen are all business
Dracula crosses back to him seductively, admiring his neck
Pt2
Count Dracula
might I ask what you do for pleasure?
Jonathan tries to remain upbeat, even as he feels Dracula's fiery gaze
Jonathan
I don't know. usual things. a tidy desk generally makes me happy. cup of tea, not too hot. hand sanitizer, any brand.
Count Dracula
you sound like a lot of fun.
Jonathan
hahahaha... I'm not. my fiancée tell me all the time. she's much more adventurous than I am
Jonathan
yes. she's always off exploring dark and abandoned places, picking up exotic plants and artifacts and getting herself into all sorts of mischief.
Count Dracula
she sounds fearless
Jonathan
she is! I've no idea what she's doing with me.
taking out a small framed photograph of her. Dracula is smittens
Jonathan
here. this is her. isn't she a vision?
Count Dracula
she is exquisite
Dracula takes the photo and crosses away with it, transfixed
Jonathan
yes and brave beyond reason. we met as children when I fell through the ice pond behind our school, and she rescued me. I would've died of hypothermia had she not heard my screams and come running.
Count Dracula
unbelievable
Jonathan
it's as though she's attracted to danger.
Count Dracula
that neck. the likes of which I have not seen in at least a thousand years.
Count Dracula
and that skin. such a flawless neck. she looks like a B positive, no?
Jonathan remains upbeat and engaged but is slightly distracted finishing up his paperwork
Jonathan
oh, yes. she's quite the optimist. it's that very spirit which draws people to her
Count Dracula
and her neck.
Jonathan crosses to Dracula
Jonathan
yes you keep saying that
Count Dracula
where does she sleep?
Count Dracula
I mean live. where does she live?
Jonathan
at her father's house in Whitby, atop a cliff overlooking the North Sea. it's breathtaking.
Count Dracula
I like the sound of that
Jonathan
if only her father would give up his silly rehabilitation project with the criminally insane.
Jonathan retrieves the framed photo, kisses it and packs up to leave
Jonathan
mental patients who live with him and his daughters, he specializes in those with weak minds, susceptible to suggestions and vulnerable to the dark forces.
Count Dracula
interesting.
Jonathan
a haunted house that no one wants to buy. I've had that listing for ages.
Count Dracula
really? what's the ask?
Jonathan
you could pick it up for next to nothing. no one wants to deal with the renovations. or the screams at night.
Count Dracula
I'll take it
thunder crack, fog horn, wave crashing, loud wind
captain: bosun! we're nearly the eye of the storm. Hoist the mizzen and raise the upsail!
bosun: what's that, captain?
captain: I said we're nearly the eye of the storm!
bosun: what, I can't hear you!
captain: the blasted rain is coming down so hard! (actors spray directly at the captain)
captain: NOT THAT HARD!
bosun: what was that, sir?
captain: never mind! what is the report today?
bosun: due to high winds, volleyball has been cancelled.
captain: what else?
bosun: and... the buffet is down
captain: damn it
bosun: and you're gonna have to change your own linens, if'n you don't mind, sir. (the wind picks up and the storm rages)
captain: what is that nonsense? we need all hands on deck!
bosun: sir, the men are not well.
captain: how's that?
bosun: they've all taken ill!
captain: how ill?
bosun: dead, sir. every last one!
captain: every single one!
bosun: all but you, me and the passenger. he's been asleep all day. in fact, he slept every day since we've been on the ship.
captain: then, by God, bring him above. the wind is picking up and we're taking on water. I don't know how much longer she'll hold in this squall.
bosun: aye, aye, sir!
captain: captain's log, October 11,1897. with a trembling hand and a screaming stomach. I attempt to chronicle the terrifying events of the past few days above the SS Stoker. when the ship left port in Baltic Sea, she carried thirty-six souls. since then, however, they've all succumbed to a mysterious illness of the blood, leaving not clue apart from what appears to be a tiny bite marks on their neck. I assume it somehow related to an aviary disease, as there have been reported sightings of a bad flying from cabin to cabin. the lone passenger below decks has not surfaced in days. I sent our bosun down to retrieve him, but neither has returned. I can only imagine they have succumbed to the same fate as the rest. I am now left alone at the helm of what is essentially a ghost ship. if I should meet my watery end, please tell my wife and my mistress that she was the only woman I loved. (a giant wave grows in front of him)
captain: oh no, can that be a wall of water? here it comes... the big one... I go honorably down with my shiiiiih-
Whitley, UK; bedroom, Welfeldt house.
Lucy
I go down honourably with my shih-
Mina
Lucy, you hair is so lovely. if only I weren't cursed with this ginger monstrosity.
Lucy
nonsense, Mina, your hair is every bit as beautiful as my own.
Mina
no, you inherited mother's beauty. all I inherited was flat feet and low self-esteem.
Lucy
not true! you have great spirit, and you're unafraid to speak your mind
Mina
I suppose that's why I'm so unlucky. Uch, I'll never get all this sand out before the party starts. I hope your little beach expedition was worth it.
Lucy
it was! with all that wrecked washed up, it was like walking right into an adventure story. Feel! this captain's log is still wet.
Mina
what else does it say? you know I can't read words.
Lucy
I go down honourably with my "shih."
Lucy
that's where it ends.
Mina
what do you suppose he meant by "going down with his shih?"
Pt3
Lucy
oh, sweet sister. I mean... no one survived!
Mina
(horrified) how chilling! was there anything else in that book?
Lucy
no, just some pencil sketches of naked mermaids and the odd cabin boy.
Lucy
(she turns it lengthwise to admire it, as if it's a centerfold)
Mina
(moved almost to tears) oh, to lose another artist. the world is poorer for it.
Lucy
look! there's a manifest here at the end!
Mina
ooo! that sounds promising.
Lucy
it's all a bit squishy, but this last line looks like it says... six coffins... full of earth... heading for withering manor.
Mina
that dreadful abandoned house on the other side of town? didn't Jonathan just sell that property?
Lucy
yes, to a man in Transylvania. he must have been on that ship.
Mina
I hope Jonathan cashed the cheque.
renfield: pardon me, miss Lucy. sorry to bother you, but Mr harker's arrived. shall I send him up?
Lucy
yes, thank you, renfield.
Lucy
incidentally, excellent progress you're making. it seems father's treatments are really working.
renfield: yes mum, I've gone nearly a week without eating a single insect.
renfield: oh look, a spider.
Mina panics, screams, run around the room trying to get it off her, renfield in pursuit, salivating.
Mina
get it off! get it off!
renfield captures the spider and shoves it in his mouth, panting
Lucy
I thought you were working on that.
(while eating) it's my cheat day
renfield exits. Jonathan enters
Jonathan
is everything alright in here?
Mina
apologies, Jonathan. my nerves got the better of-
Jonathan
oh thank God, Lucy, you're alright. almost ready?
Mina
I'm alright too. thanks.
Jonathan
(barley acknowledging her) great Mina.
Jonathan
(back to Lucy) darling, you're not even dressed! according to my schedule, we're due downstairs in three minutes. how does it look if we're late to our own engagement party?
Lucy
like our passion is so fiery, we've run off to some far flung land to live on berries and lovemaking. like in one of those adventure stories. wouldn't that be something?
Jonathan
something dangerous. do you even know unwashed berries contain parasites? come on, let's go!
Lucy
I wash being literal. I wish you would relax darling.
Jonathan
I'm sorry. I am trying, you know?
Lucy
I know my love (flirtatiously) maybe let's go without a tie tonight.
Lucy
(she pulls apart his bowtie)
Jonathan
Lucy I had just gotten it perfect!
Lucy
come on, it's rakish. you look so handsome.
Lucy
I'm not! I just want to loosen up a bit. give me a kiss.
Jonathan
I don't see how that's going to-
Lucy kisses him, they kiss slightly more passionately, overwhelmed
Jonathan
we're wicked aren't we? sorry, Mina.
Mina
it's okay, I like to watch.
Jonathan
(to Lucy) what's with all this sand in your hair?
Jonathan
(he picks it out lovingly)
Lucy
I was down at the beach last night foraging for some souvenirs from the wreck!
Jonathan
at night? are you out of your mind? there are all sorts of ruffians and thugs. they come out of the woodwork whenever a ship runs aground.
Lucy
Jonathan, I appreciate the concern, but there's no need to be skittish.
Jonathan
I can't help it I worry about your safety. a woman shouldn't be out on her own after nightfall.
Jonathan
it's all a little close to home for my taste. do you know my incredibly wealthy client Count Dracula was on that ship?
Mina
A Count? Is he single!?
Jonathan
Was. apparently he went down with the ship.
Mina
Will he be at the party?
Jonathan
Um, probably not.
Mina
Why do bad things always happen to me?!
Jonathan
it's tragic, really. he seemed a nice enough chap. I even invited him to tonight. he was so looking forward to meet you, Lucy.
Mina
(resentful) Naturally.
Jonathan
He was rather impressed with your skin care regime.
Lucy
regime? it's just soap and water!
Jonathan
of course, beautiful inside and out. silver lining, i can sell creepy old Withering Manor again! And all those properties in London. Double commission!
Mina
Yay, more good things happening for my sister. Meanwhile, I discovered another gray hair down near my-
Lucy
Will you give us a moment?
Lucy and Jonathan canoodle on the bed. Mina tries to watch.
Mina
Oh, yes. I'lljust head down to the party, then.
Mina
There are quite a few handsome gentlemen. Some of your former suitors, in fact!
Mina
(crossing fingers) hoping for sloppy seconds!
Mina exits, Jonathan notices Lucy's hair.
Jonathan
Is that seaweed? (he starts to pluck it out, and she embraces him)
Lucy
Oh, leave it. People will think that we've been rolling around on the beach.
Jonathan
It's six degrees and raining. We'd end up in bed for a week.
Lucy
I would love a week in bed with you, Jonathan.
Lucy
(She gets playful with him. He jumps up)
Jonathan
You're a devil, you are. But we can't do this now!
Jonathan
We have a room full of important guests waiting, including three judges, a barrister and a beadle.
(Renfield pops his head in)
Renfield: Did someone say beetle?
Renfield pops his head out
Lucy
(disappointed) So I guess tonight is for all those important people, then.
Jonathan
Lucy, you know you are the most important person in my entire world. You're my future. I love you.
Lucy
And I, you, my darling.
Jonathan
In sickness and in health, 'til death do us part.
In the drawing room of the Westfeldt home.
Dr. Westfeldt
(Tapping on a glass) Ladies and gentlemen, friends and colleagues, For those of you I have yet to meet, I am Dr. Wallace Westfeldt, happy father of the bride and man of the house (holds up a tray of hors d'oeuvres) Has everyone had a cheeseball? prepared just this morning by my staff, who are also my mental patients! But please- they are learning to blending into polite society, so be sure to treat them as poorly as you would anyone else in the service industry! Cheers!
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