I was disappointed, not with anyone but with myself for giving people the space to hurt me. I tried so hard to be up to people's standards and make them consider me as a part of their life, but I didn't seem to fit anywhere. I changed myself just so I wouldn't be the ugly duckling.

It was so hard to just walk through life without having any motive, any ambition, any hope for tomorrow, just walking on lava and having stopped feeling it. Life had stopped for me, but I didn't notice it, I didn't notice myself going numb, I knew I was different, but it scared me, it scared me so much that I blocked that change and pretended I was ok, for my family, my friends. Nobody knew what was going on with me, hell even I didn't know what was wrong.

The biggest hand in making me hate myself was of my family, they didn't accept me for who I am because I was the black sheep of the family, for almost 2 decades they made me believe that I was the abuser, like I was somehow taking their care and love for granted,, but truth be told I didn't even know who I was, so I went with the flow, went with how the only people in my life wanted me to be.

The things people blamed me for were so small, but they made it seem like a mountain, they made it seem like it was the end of the world and the world didn't even accept a single mistake, maybe that is how they saw the world, that is what their perception of reality was.

I understand people I understood where they came from and what their fears were, so I went silent. I saw everyone's perspective and tried to be patient that maybe they will look past their reality, past their bubble of life and look at me, struggling, trying to pass every single second with difficulty. I hated life, I hated what it represented but after years and years of thinking that I was the victim, I understood that I was just different, different from other people.

I started to enjoy music. It dulled the voices in my head, made it quiet up there, I could focus better, it lulled the raging thoughts and over thinking.

As I walk in the rain with my headphones I think about how my life has been, how people affected it. What my reaction was to all this and how I coped with my life and I saw two people, they were sitting in a corner and I wondered who they were. I approached them, they were preparing for their exam. It was nice to see them, cuz for me they were the people in a university who are not liked by many individuals for their strong opinions, who are always the outcast of society. The different ones that no one accepted. It kind of reminded me of myself. And I approached them, there were supposed to be 3 people so I wondered where the third one was but didn't voice that curiosity. After 2 hours I saw someone who about to change my life forever.

    It is Friday I have decided to block my remaining emotions for good because it is too much for me. Having half of my emotion unconsciously blocked is not good for me, I keep feeling too much and nothing at the same time. It was a nuisance for me and the people around me.

While talking to those strangers, I got to know about their perspective of this university, the people in here, the teachers, everyone. It seemed like their way of thinking was a bit different just like I thought. Then came the person who changed my whole reality. As I was talking I saw the third person, the third friend, wearing something no sane man would wear, black Chelsea boots, blue skinny jeans and blue T-shirt underneath a blue checkered button down shirt. He had a short afro haircut, with glasses.

As ridiculous as it sounds, he looked good, he looked charming, an extrovert who would be ready to fight any battle. He came, sat down, and I got to know that he had missed his lab, which was really important 😂. I laugh as I think about it.

We started talking about shows, songs, movies, a little bit of everything. I was finished with my classes, and they had an exam, which he didn't prepare for, and he wasn't even worried about. It surprised me, how can someone be so chill about not preparing a mid-exam. I was shocked beyond my mind!

We had talked before but as seniors and juniors, nothing else. That was the first day we actually talked, and I told him that I didn't have an ID card. I was 21, but I didn't have one, and he got really surprised, so I explained to him that I live with my father's older sister,, and she has been a mother figure to me since I was 4. I do meet with my dad, he lives in another city. I have never met my birth mother and never want to because here is my whole life, my sister who is not my sister but is actually my cousin and my aunt's husband died 15 years ago and she works 2 jobs so , so doesn't have the time.

He listened to all of this without blinking an eye or feeling sorry for me like some people did. He didn't pity me, he just changed the subject and asked about my hobbies and what I wanted to do. I told him so many things that I wanted to learn, like horse riding, swimming, martial arts etc. He was quiet for a second and then asked his other friend, should we teach her how to ride a bike? That question caught me off guard and the only reply I could muster up was, WHAT? He said yeah why not, it will be fun😃, and I said yes. That day was the day I thought that I've been asking my father to teach me how to ride a bike for years and he used to brush it off, but this stranger whom I had just met some hours ago saw something that I couldn't do and offered to teach me. It was the first time a stranger, who he was still one, would would teach me something I didn't know 🥺

His name is Alec. I came after I had my first bike lesson and I fell down, rather dramatically 🤦‍♀️, like a slow motion video. He didn't laugh or make fun of me. He came back inside the university with me and we had some snacks. That day he asked for my number and I gave it, without a second thought. For a week we used to hang out in university or somewhere outside with his friends, but he was different from the start. We were so similar in so many ways. I was happy that I had a friend who was just like me, UNHINGED! It was peaceful being with him, I never pretended. I mean yes I did pretend that I was happy and didn't need anyone's help but that's who I was, I was made like that by God knows what, because my personality who I was, was not because of my family it was like a coping mechanism, to change by seeing. I changed by seeing my environment. My brain shielded me from my family's influence. John B. Watson the father of behaviorism said that the environment influences an infant but that wasn't what happened in my case. I am not like my family, I never was like them, I think I will never be like them. They are materialistic sometimes and I only want companionship.

After that week there was a concert in our university,, and we had to do some marketing so that brought us closer and closer, but I didn't think of him as more than a friend. Now that I think back to that day or do that month I was given many hints, like he gave me many hints throughout the month, it was great, it was perfect, you can say it was the first time that a friend give me so much attention and was so nice to me reason, I didn't have a friend before that but was not in the same City, so we couldn't meet, we couldn't talk that much, and it wasn't easy from me, and I was happy that I found someone that I can share some stuff and be happy.

For the decor I had help from his friends and I cut out guitars chart paper, so we could make garlands from it,, and we could hang it in different places and it took me about 2 or 3 days to make all of that. The day of the concert is the day that I will never forget in my whole life that was the day when I had so much fun, and it started with me going to University, and meeting up with the president. We had a seminar in the morning and I was given the job of photographing everything, I was the photographer so I had my camera and I told one of my friend to take my picture and he took them from my phone and I said a few of those photos to my mum that I am doing this and I am in my university and I am not lieing about anything and keeping you in the loop.