The future is nothing but uncertain. And that is what scares me the most - not knowing what tomorrow has in store for me. Because wherether it is good or bad, I will have to grace myself and live with it. Maybe not knowing how to deal with the good or the bad is what scares me. Especially the bad.

You see the thing is, before she went away, I never had to worry about a thing. Now I'm scared of the unknown tomorrow. The tomorrow without her in it.

She was the best part of my days and I always looked forward to the future. It's different now. Having her around and seeing her made me whole. But now that she is gone, I feel empty.

She always handled everything without tiring and without complains. Her only complaint was that I whined all day like a little baby, her baby, and jokingly said that I will never grow up. Amidst all the joking, never once did she forget to tell me that she loved me, followed by a forehead kiss.

And I told her that I too would like to have a baby.

"With me?" She would ask.

As if I would refuse. I mean who would be stupid enought to refuse to have a baby with the most beautiful woman in the room? Not me, of course.

"Of course with you, lady ma'am. I'd be the happiest mom in the whole world." I would answer with a smirk curled on my lips.

And now that I'm thinking about it, I think I might have made a mistake. The biggest mistake of my life. I shouldn't have said that, because I knew very well that everything I said, she took seriously. I shouldn't have been so obsessed with having a child, maybe she would still be here with me.

Things are different now. She left and I feel vulnerable, like I am in a vast, open space and I am surrounded by nothing but darkness. And there are unknown, scary creatures hidding somewhere nearby, patiently waiting for the perfect time to devour and destroy my being. And l have no weapons nor a shield to fight with against them. I feel exposed, like I'm naked. And everyone can see and easly access every bit of me. I was the safest in her hands, till she let go of mine. Per se, she was my shield, and I was her slayer.

But I guess this is what happens in life. People leave, situations changes and so do we. Maybe change means that we are kicking.

Thought it's not the same - being alive. Without her it's like I died.

I sound selfish, I know. Like I'm blaming her for leaving, but I'm not blaming her, I promise. She had to leave and that I understand. But I fell like I am partially responsible for everything. As thought I ignorantly contrived everything.

I wish she could have prepared me, you know? Maybe teach me what it means to be without her, and what it's like living in this world without her.

Or maybe she did teach me, but I was too busy to learn, I never listened. Because, maybe, I thought my tomorrows had her in them. I thought that maybe I had ample time.

I never thought that a day like this would come. A day where I would wish that I had listened or maybe spent more time with her, and payed a little more attention to her. I wish I had listened more and spent everyday with her, doing everything she liked, going to places she liked, eating foods she liked, listerning to music she liked and watching all her favorite moves. If I did, perhaps I wouldn't be so regretful.

I cannot follow her even if I tried nor can I go get her. She left to a far away place. A place not just anyone can reach. Probably angels can. After all, she was an angel, my angle. It can only explain why she went there.

And as I'm standing here, watching our beautiful girl throught this transparent glass, sleeping peacefully in her incubator, I can't help but think about her and how happy she would have been to see her well and heathly. But then I know that she is watching from heaven and I know that she's happy and proud. She fulfilled her promise after all.

I still remember the night she told me that the IVF was a success. It was on the 10th of March, around nine pm.

I was coming from the work, where I had started my learnership. And as soon as I opened the door my eyes meet with a sexy lady in a black, long, v-necked dress. For a split second I remembered why I fell in love with her and why married her. She defined perfection. The dress followed her curvy womanly figure.

I was dump founded that I didn't notice the rose she was holding. The only thing I saw was her. It was a thought I was seeing her for the first time. I fell in love all over again.

"Earth to Vuyokazi." she said snaping her fingers in my face.

"Ahh yess...huh?"

"Come on in and stop dreaming with your eyes open." She handed me the rose she was holding.

And before I could open my mouth to talk, she took my laptop sleeve and placed it on the sofa and proceeded to showed me to the dining room - where there was a table and on the table there where two candles that were carefully placed and red rose patels. She pulled the chair for me to sit. "Come sit." She ordered.

"Thank you... you look gorgeous..... everything is beautiful."

"You like it?" She asked.

"I love it. So what's the occasion? Did I forget what today is?"

"No. I just wanted to treat you to something nice."

After we were done eating I looked at her, waiting for her to tell me what she wanted to say.

"You are really not gonna tell me what's up?" I asked.

"Popcons are up."

"Quite playing."

"Nothing is up. "

"You are lying."

"How do you know?"

"You're my wife, we have been married for 4 years. I know you well enough to tell when you has something to say."

"Okay, you cought me... so remember last week we did the IVF pregnancy test?"

"Yes."

"Well I got a letter today, see here..." she handed me an envelope. "The results are positive. The process was a success and I'm pregnant."

"Ar-re you serious?"

"Yes..."

"Hon this is good news. Why did you take so long to tell me? Huh?"

"I'm sorry... I didn't know how to."

"It's okay, come here, give me a kiss. I can't believe I'm going to be a mother. We are having a baby..."

"Yes..I'm having your child in 9 months."

"You are having our child. That's our child, okay?"

"Yes ma'am, our child."

"Good!"

We were so happy that, finally, we were going to be parents. The entre night ended with me nagging her to stop doing heavy chores around the house and to start talking care of herself, as well as the baby.

*******

Six months later, I took Nandi to the doctor for a check up. Just to be sure, her symptoms, which we thought were pregnancy symptoms were getting worse - swelling in the ankles and legs, dizziness, shortness of breath and fatigue.

She had her test done and results come back. And to our surprise, the doctor looked tense. That was not a good sign. He diagnosed her with pulmonary hypertension. In simple terms she had a type of high blood pressure that affects the arteries in the lungs and right side of the heart.

And the doctor suggested induced labour otherwise it was going to be fatal to her and the baby but she didn't agree. She wanted to have the baby regardless.

I tried my best to convince her but to no avail. It smeemed she already made up her mind. I called our family to come try talk to her. They also failed to convince her.

"Ma'am. Mrs Hlongwane? Mrs Vuyokazi?"

I was distracted by a nurse.

"Yes, sorry about that...you were saying?"

"We need your signature on some documents."

"Oh yes, okay let's go."

"Please, follow me."

After the formalities, I asked the Dr Mbele when I can take Siphosam home. He said he will discharge her tomorrow since the baby is healthy. I was relieved to hear that. I don't want to stay here any minute longer. I want to go. I hate it here. Because I lost my wife here. I feel suffocated with every second I spend here.

As I was busy talking to the doctor, a woman who was going to labour passed by. And thoughts about Nandi come rushing back. Three days ago, she was also in that woman's shoes. Experiencing the exact same pain and I couldn't even do anything to help her.

I remember how scared I was. I didn't want her to go for the operation, but she had to.

After she was diagnosed, they admitted her for 6 weeks and they gave her lots of different medications to try to find the one to help her get better. She tried her best to hold on, for our child but couldn't.

Her condition just went down hill. So she needed to be operated on, immediately. It was mandatory in order to save the baby. She was too weak for labour induction.

Before she went to the operation theater, the nurse told me that she wanted to talk to me first. So I changed in apparel and went. I opened the door and there she was, lying on the hospital bed. It was evident that she was in so much pain, her face pale and lips dry. She smilled so as to hide her pain from me. But I saw through her.

With teary eyes I sat down on the chair besides the hospital bed.

"How do you feel? Are you in pain?" I asked.

She avaided looking in my eyes and said, "no. She's just heavy" pointing to her big belly.

After a few seconds of silence, she looked at me and said, "be honest, how do you feel?"

"I'm angry. I'm so angry, you can't imagine." Not being able to stop her when we had time made me angry- at myself. I felt bad. Like I failed her. I couldn't protect her.

"You being angry won't change anything, you know that right? Right?"

She had a point, there's was no going back now.

"I'm also scared... that you might not make it."

She held my hand and looked at me and said, "Don't worry too much, nothing will happen, I promise. Have faith and pray and you'll see that both me and our baby will come out that theater unharmed. But if something actually happens to me then and I don't make it then you will have to let me go. And move on. Move on and accept that everything is how it's supposed to be. That this is how things are, and they'll remain this way. And whenever you feel like you miss me look for me in the memories we made together and I'll be there. But don't miss me too much, alright. Move on with your life and live happily. Okay?"

As if that's possible, living without her. She's saying this as if she doesn't know that she's my only happiness.

"I want you to always be happy my love. And I want you to know I don't regret a thing. And don't ever think this is your fault. I'm happy that I got to spend my last days with you." She said wiping the tears that were flowing on my cheecks. "Look at yourself, you're making a mess, like a child that you are.... You know I love you right? I love you so much, I love you and I mean it. Always remember that. And I love our little girl too. I love you both so much. I just want you to promise me that you'll be happy once I'm gone. I know you'll take care of our child when I'm gone so I won't ask you to. Take care of yourself too, alright."

The nurse told us that it was time for the operation.

******

Six hours later, the doctor come out of the operation theater. "Congratulations, it's a girl. But unfortunately we couldn't save your wife, Mrs Hlongwane. She had difficulty breathing through the tube. I'm sorry for your loss." And he left.

My heart sank to my stomach. My knees instantly became weak. It was as though the world had stopped spinning. Before I could even reach for a chair to sit, my brother in-law comforted me. He was right. I need to be strong for our child. I am all she has now.

I promised myself that I'll take good care of her and raise her well with love, respect and care. I'll protect her till my last breath. Our little one, my gift from my love. And I won't let Nandi down.

Everything is surely uncertain, but my love for her is. I pray that one day I deserve everything she's given to me. The sacrificed she made for me to be happy.