I was 14 years old when I started to suffer from depression, anxiety, insomnia and all. When it actually started I had no idea about depression and all. I never imagined myself in those situations like crying myself to sleep, trying to hurt myself, getting annoyed by everything and everyone,.... It was hard. My heart hurt like it was tearing into millions. Slowly I started losing interest in people. I even stopped talking to my friends.

I had a wonderful group of friends. We were 7girls in the group. We used to have so much fun. We were so full of ourself. We used to meet at the main street and go to school together return together. We never imagined that we will get separated. I left the group after a huge disaster with one of the girl from the group who was the most important person to me after my bestfriend. Boys of our class were lets say perverts kind of. They actually did't mean to harass but were harassing the girls by like touching our parts, judging our body and body parts, so on. And I was harassed and I allowed them to harass me which was my worst decision of all time. Its not all, there was another reason I left. One of the girl from the group had a boyfriend from our class. He was my kind of good guy friend. But she was too protective like she didn't like me talking to him. She felt that I would take him away from her when I had no interest in him.

We were having lunch in our usual spot and that girl started talking and giving hints that she didn't like me talking to her boy so I slowly stopped talking to him like usual and just talked very little with my 4years long friend. After that it was all awkward. But that was not enough for her. I suddenly got a text from her. She said, "I don't like the awkwardness we are having these days." So I asked her what should "I" do to go back like we were. She said, "lets just maintain distance. It'll be okay after that." I listened to her. That night was the first night when I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up with red swollen eyes. Got ready for school and went go school alone as to maintain distance with her. I said the girls that I will be late so leave early. Like that I maintained distance with her for like 3 4 days but it was hard cause usually spent time with her so I decided to leave group for temporary time. Other 5members said ok. I left the group and sat with two girls who were close to me but we were not on good terms.

It has already been 2weeks since I left the group. I expected them to tell me to comeback but they didn't . The two girls I was with lets just name them Ayinos and Ashalid. They're like angel to me. But there is another secret that they didn't know about me which could break our friendship...

So.... Ayinos liked a guy of our class, Landez. But the guy was how to say he was kind of you know one who plays with girls. I was one of his target. He thought I was "sexy". He tried to kiss me forcefully and succeeded. I couldn't do anything he was way too stronger than me. But at least I didn't let him go over that. I was scared to tell anyone. I was scared that they will hate me and kept thinking that it was my fault for letting my guards down. The next day he suddenly came to my desk with his 2friends and asked me who my first kiss was cause he knew that he took my first kiss. One of his friend Noye was nice to me. He just ignored what Landez was talking and changed the topic. I was so grateful to Noye as he saved me from such bid embarrassment. But the other friend of Landez, Nashir was so nosy. He need to know every gossip of the class. Nashir kept on forcing me to accept that I kissed Landez which I didn't wanted to. I don't know if I was overthinking but man Noye entered the conversation like a hero. He once again saved me. He argued his friend to save me. I was so happy. Just like that days were going on. One day our class teacher rearranged the seats. I ended up sitting beside Noye and infornt of us there were Landez and another girl. I didn't wanted Landez to be around me but it was ok cause Noye was there. Noye argued many times for me and just like that days were going on once again.

As I remember I guess it was in early January 2018. It was time for our school's yearly program. So our teachers were busy preparing for the program which means we got many leisure periods. During one of those periods, we decided to play Truth or Dare. As we were playing it was my turn to choose so I chose truth cause I know my friends will make me to some stupid things if I chose dare. That idiot Landez didn't left the chance and directly asked who my first kiss was. He kissed me like 2months ago why bring that up now??? I just sat there scared, nervous not knowing what to say. I could've just said I haven't kissed anyone but my mind went all numb. I don't know what happened to Noye he just straight came to my face and kissed me and said "I am her first kiss." I was super surprised. I never imagined him doing that. I never said him anything about me and Landez he just did what he felt like.

Everyone was shocked. Obviously they were even I was not expecting that. I didn't knew what to do or say. Thank god Noye was prepared what to say. He just said, " No we are not dating or like each other. I just wanted to taste her lips." Boy that was cheesey. At last Noye didn't liked me or anything. He was just full of lust.

And.... I'm sorry I won't write more on this cause I have finally cured myself and I don't want to remember my last anymore. I was able to save myself from dying because of BTS. My friend Ashalid introduced BTS to me. I am so grateful I love BTS. They really helped me a lot.

But I think I will be writing about my journey through depression with BTS in next episode.

As I said in previous episode, my friend Ashalid introduced BTS to me. We had morning classes from 6am.We used to go school together. Ashalid was not really a morning person. It was hard for her to wake up and get ready. So, I used to reach her home at 5:30am. I used to go then wake her up. Until she gets ready she used to give me her phone and force me to watch BTS moments. Her bias was Kim Taehyung (V). I was forced to watch for 1week then I started liking those videos. After that, she introduced every member to me. At first it was hard to even recognize their faces (well that's not same at all now I can say who is singing by only hearing their voice). After I remembered every member's name,she showed me their music videos. Dope was my first song. But I was still not that interested in them.But Ashalid didn't gave up and kept on forcing me to watch them. On April 4, BTS released Black Swan. That was the time when I claimed myself as BTS ARMY (fans of BTS). Ashalid was so happy when said I wanted to stan BTS. Soon then pandemic started which means more time to watch BTS. During the pandemic, I used to watch BTS moments,their music videos,interviews and all. Then BTS released We are bulletproof pt.2, I literally cried watching that music video it was so good.All the hardships they went through paid off at the end.I was so happy for them. Watching them used to make me feel good. Even though I'm crying if I watch their even one video I start to smile forgetting everything. When I feel low I used to think about killing or hurting myself but BTS encouraged me to not give up in every way.They made feel like I was never alone.I took them as my inspiration.I started to listen what they say cause everything they said were so comforting to me.I felt their love through screen I was alone but they never let me feel alone.

Slowly I started to forget about my past.I no longer cared what people say.I still had hard time during night but it was better than before.As I started to stan BTS,I was losing my relation with Aniyos as she didn't stan BTS meanwhile my relation was getting stronger with Ashalid. Me and Ashalid started to spend more time together. I was afraid if I was coming between Ashalid and Aniyos. I was afraid if they would stop talking to me so I stopped meeting Ashalid for few days. But she used to force me to meet cause she knew what I was going through. And just like that we again started to spend time together. The thread of my relation with Aniyos was hanging in the name of Ashalid.

I'm getting emotional🤧 I try to write more in next episode. Love ya'll💞