Preface: Welcome to the Banana Bureau Bonanza

Kind of Like VeggieTales, But with More 80-ocracy—Because People Are Like Vegetables: They Don’t Want to Think, and the Vegetarians Are About to Turn Us All Carnivore

Special thanks and side-eye to VeggieTales for paving the way.

Learn more about the original at: www.veggietales.com

www.bananabureaubonanza.com

Peel & Order: SVU Edition — “Context, Candlesticks, and the Forbidden Fruit”

[SVU “dun dun” sound effect]

In the criminal justice system, context is everything. But in the world of social media, context is the first thing to get censored. These are their stories.

Scene: The Banana Bureau Game Show Studio

Spotlights blaze down on the shiny, banana-yellow stage. The audience buzzes as the B****** Banana Bouncer (BBB) struts to the podium, sunglasses gleaming, peel polished to perfection.

BBB (Host):

“Front and center—it’s time to learn. I’m going to show you how real respect is earned! Tonight’s topic: Censorship, context, and why pretending a word doesn’t exist is about as effective as locking the conservatory and hoping the crime solves itself.”

The panel is stacked, each character ready to slip up or step up:

Judge Jalapeño Judy — The fiery, no-nonsense judge who brings the heat.

Detective Dill Stabler — Tough, sharp, and always gets to the root of the problem.

Parole Pepper Benson — Compassionate yet streetwise, fighting for justice.

Dealer Dijon — The smooth-talking, logic-dealing wild card.

Criminal Mustard — The clue-dropping, always-a-little-offbeat sidekick.

Colonel Mustard — (pops in with his own brand of confusion and clues)

Felicia the Fork — The sharp-tongued, no-nonsense sidekick host and mediator.

Felicia the Fork’s Entrance Ditty (for Episode 1: Censorship & Context)

🎶

When the truth gets bleeped and the facts get blurred,

You need a fork to slice through every censored word!

I’m Felicia the Fork, and I’m here to say—

If you’re hiding from the truth, I’ll serve it anyway!

🎶

Felicia the Fork (stepping up, fork in hand, grinning):

“Alright, fruit salad, let’s get this straight—when you hit a fork in the road, I don’t just stand there, I stick it in and stir the pot. I’m here to keep the peace, call out the nonsense, and make sure every voice gets a bite at the apple. If you’re ready for real talk, sharp wit, and zero tolerance for b*******, grab a seat. Because at this table, I’m serving the truth—hot, fresh, and with a side of ‘try me.’”

The Case: When Algorithms Go Bananas

BBB:

“Here’s tonight’s scenario. You own a social media company. Someone posts a message asking for help after experiencing rape, but your system bans them for using a ‘bad word.’ Dealer Dijon, what’s your move?”

Dealer Dijon (shuffling cards):

“Banana, that’s like kicking someone out of the ER for yelling ‘I’m bleeding!’ Let’s get one thing straight: ‘Rape’ isn’t a bad word—the crime is bad. The only thing worse than the act is silencing someone brave enough to ask for help.

If I ran the site, I’d teach my algorithm the difference between a cry for help and a cry for attention. Context isn’t just a condiment—it’s the whole sandwich! The only thing you’re spreading with that kind of censorship is more pain.”

Judge Jalapeño Judy (slamming her gavel):

“Exactly! Censoring the word doesn’t erase the crime. It just erases the conversation. That’s not justice, that’s just b******. If your algorithm can’t tell the difference between a victim’s cry for help and a troll’s nonsense, maybe it needs less code and more common sense.”

Detective Dill Stabler:

“Yeah, Banana, if your system can’t tell the difference, maybe it needs less code and more common sense. Or at least a ‘context’ button! You want to stop crime? Start by listening to the people who need help, not muting them.”

Parole Pepper Benson:

“Silencing victims isn’t protection—it’s just another way to let the bad guys win. If you’re more worried about your brand’s image than someone’s safety, you’re not running a platform, you’re hosting a circus.”

Felicia the Fork (cutting in):

“See, when you’re a victim of rape and he’s got a star on the walk of fame, it’s already hard enough to speak up. But then you realize just how bad it is to be silenced—literally. You try to ask for help, and suddenly you’re the one getting muted, blocked, or banned.

It’s ridiculous. The government, the platforms, whoever’s in charge—they have so much control, they can actually change what other people hear versus what you’re actually saying. And everyone else? They want to pretend like this kind of censorship doesn’t exist.

‘Oh, we can’t be real about it, so I’m just going to plug my ears and act like it’s not an issue. If I can’t hear it, it must not be happening, right?’

Wrong. That’s not protecting anyone. That’s just making it easier for the worst people to keep winning. Silencing the truth doesn’t make it disappear—it just makes it easier for the next victim to get hurt while everyone else pretends it’s not their problem.

I can’t afford to pay attention, but Ellen DeGeneres can—yet I’m standing right here, and she’s not even on U.S. soil anymore, and still, she’s getting more airtime than the people who actually need to be heard.

So here’s your wake-up call: If you’re more uncomfortable with the word than the crime, you’re part of the problem. And I’m not here to sugarcoat it—I’m here to stick a fork in it and serve it up raw.”

Colonel Mustard (waving a clue card):

“Here’s a clue: If you’re banning words instead of protecting people, you’re playing Clue with the lights off and the rules upside down. The real weapon isn’t a candlestick—it’s ignorance, dressed up in a Terms of Service agreement.”

Game Show Twist: The Zonk Zone

BBB:

“Alright, panel, time for the Zonk Zone! What’s the worst ‘algorithm fail’ you’ve seen?”

Judge Jalapeño Judy:

“I once saw a bot ban someone for saying ‘I’m dying for pizza.’ Apparently, the algorithm thought it was a medical emergency. The only thing dying was their appetite.”

Detective Dill Stabler:

“I got flagged for using the word ‘killer’ in a recipe post. Sorry, folks, my chili isn’t actually a crime scene.”

Parole Pepper Benson:

“I got a 30-day ban for typing ‘help’ too many times in a support group. Maybe the real crisis is in the code.”

Dealer Dijon:

“I once tried to post about ‘assaulted peanuts’ and got flagged for violence. Turns out, the only thing getting assaulted was my faith in humanity.”

Colonel Mustard:

“I tried to post a clue, but the system thought I was leaking classified information. Now I’m on a watchlist and I still don’t know who took the candlestick!”

Closing: Felicia the Fork’s Perspective on the Cartel and Connection

Felicia the Fork (leaning in, voice calm but strong):

“You know, I get why everyone wants to paint the cartel as monsters. It’s easy—makes it simple to draw a line and say, ‘That’s them, not us.’ But people don’t just break for no reason. Nobody wakes up one day and decides to be desperate, dangerous, or disposable.

I’ve seen enough to know most so-called ‘thugs’ are just people who ran out of options and got tired of being forked over by a world that never gave them a real shot.

So if that makes me a T-hugger—someone who hugs the truth and the people you call thugs—then yeah, I’ll own it. Because sometimes the only thing separating you from them is a little bad luck and a whole lot of judgment.

Don’t just judge the story. Try understanding the chapter you never had to live.”

Felicia the Fork (softening, with a small smile):

“And hey, I don’t really know what friends are supposed to be, but if you put down the knife, I’ll bring some snacks and we can just chill and relax. I’ll be a whole different kind of squishy—trust me on that.”

Felicia the Fork (shrugs, a little wistful, a little wry):

“Like, instead of squishing people, I’ll just grant your wishes—and maybe theirs, too. And instead of fishing for vaginas or whatever else people think life’s about—yeah, thanks for letting me know it wasn’t really my choice. Not cool, CIA, not cool at all. Really ruined that little delusional fest I had going, thinking I actually got to decide. But hey, at least now I know: I’m not here to break people down. I’m here to hand out second chances, not second cuts.”

www.veggietales.com

www.bananabureaubonanza.com

Banana Bureau Bonanza

Kind of Like VeggieTales, But with More 80-ocracy—Because People Are Like Vegetables: They Don’t Want to Think, and the Vegetarians Are About to Turn Us All Carnivore

Special thanks and side-eye to VeggieTales for paving the way.

Learn more about the original at: www.veggietales.com

www.bananabureaubonanza.com

Episode: “Aisle 5, Gringos, and the Vatican Sack Race”

BBB (Host, strutting to the podium, sunglasses glinting):

“Welcome back, fruit salad! Tonight’s episode: language barriers, aisle five confessions, and why the only thing drier than a San Quintín wheat harvest is a George Lopez punchline at a Kamala Harris rally. Don’t worry, we’re keeping it PG-13—unless you’re counting my last relationship, which was more MS-13, but with fewer hugs and more inside jokes.”

Felicia the Fork’s Entrance Ditty (for Episode 2: Language, Laughs & Holy Rollers)

🎶

If you can’t roll your R’s, just roll with me,

Flashcards in hand, no Spanish degree!

From aisle five to the Pope’s big reveal,

We’re serving up roasts with a side of real!

🎶

Felicia the Fork (waving a flashcard, grinning):

“I only speak Walmart inventory Spanish—if it’s not on a flashcard, don’t expect me to roll my R’s. Breathe, or don’t! We blind, we can’t see you mix, so I guess whites are me. My ex said I can’t snowbird yet—huh? Guess I’m stuck in aisle 5 with the rest of the gringos, asking, ‘¿Quiere una bolsa?’ and hoping they don’t reply too fast.”

Dealer Dijon:

“Hate to say it, George Lopez, I know you love L.A.—shhh, ever heard of Bahía de los Ángeles? You were there, but you can’t sell Ed or sin dick, hated like me but hey, not ho! Can you even tell California from Baja? Quick—San Quintín, PR, I’m in the third Google result, loco! San Quintín’s got more tomatoes than your last Netflix special had viewers, and the only thing drier than their wheat harvest is your punchline at a Kamala Harris rally.”

Judge Jalapeño Judy:

“If the Pope ever opened the blinds instead of picking cherries, maybe his staff would finally rise again—just in time for all the kids to get off their knees for once. You hear that, Monica? Lewinski up, down, up, down—girl’s got more knee time than a Catholic altar boy at Sunday mass. But this time, she’s going down for Mr. Mom—yeah, that’s me. At least I’m not Nancy Pelosi—she won’t do herself sober, and nobody else will do her drunk.”

Criminal Mustard:

“Catch me at Tesla? Nah, but soon I’ll be looking more PG-13 than Liam Neeson’s filmography. Or maybe MS-13, depending on how many hugs I get—as long as it’s consensual. And no, it’s not ‘con ¢ lul wa’—that’s an inside joke!”

Parole Pepper Benson:

“Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year, unlike the priests in the Vatican—those guys never stop delivering the goods. My wife asked me to spoon in bed, but I’d rather fork. At least then someone’s getting poked. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off—kind of like your last relationship, except that one left you with more than just a scar.”

Colonel Mustard:

“How do you get a nun pregnant? You have sex with her. Don’t worry, the Pope will bless the kid—he’s got experience with surprises.”

Felicia the Fork (leans in, fork raised):

“I will find you. And I will roast you. Harder than Pelosi at an open bar, and faster than Monica on a presidential cigar.”

BBB (Host, smirking):

“Are n Siri us RN!? Turn around and GH—you sold your own ace! Drew Lynch said it best: sometimes you’re your own worst dealer. You talk big like you’re holding the winning hand, but you fold faster than Drew’s stutter when the mic goes silent. You’re out here bluffing like a rookie, while Drew’s out here selling out shows and turning trauma into comedy gold. Keep trying, maybe one day you’ll get a ‘Golden Buzzer’ moment—until then, just watch Drew ace the game you’re still learning to play.”

Felicia the Fork (brandishing her phone):

“And you know, everyone’s out here dropping cash on Rosetta Stone, but let’s be real—that’s the only stone Jesus actually needed moved. What if Jesus was here the whole freaking time, didn’t even have a penis, just gasless because nobody wanted to give up power? Like, what if Jesus was actually a woman, literally silenced her entire existence—no voice, no platform, just waiting for someone to roll away that last stone? But nah, Rosetta got tossed for good, and the world kept pretending they couldn’t understand the message. Maybe the real miracle would be if people finally listened.”

Dealer Dijon:

“And while we’re on the subject of miracles, can we talk about the Bible being backwards? It literally says no one sin is greater than another. So if you didn’t call your mother, you’re basically as equal to Hitler as the next idiot who committed murder. How is it people keep throwing sins in each other’s faces, when that’s the main statement in the Bible? Honestly, that should shut down any and every argument, from any chapter, on the spot. Bam—argument over, go home, try again.”

Judge Jalapeño Judy:

“Oh, but wait, let’s not forget the magic clause! God doesn’t want you doing magic, or vampires, or any of that ‘evil’ stuff, but then you want him to raise the dead, walk on water, and turn water into wine—no magic, though! Just a little holy hocus-pocus, but only if it’s in the right book and not after midnight.”

Felicia the Fork (closing the episode):

“We’re all about to turn into carnivores—turns out the T-Rex was Blue the whole time, and we were the ones that were confused. Now Blue thinks she’s Dino, so we have a little bit of a problem. We need to get some common sense flowing so people are in and knowing. Because you know that math joke about two trains going 80 about to collide? That’s common sense and stupidity, and it’s not going to end well this time.”

www.veggietales.com

www.bananabureaubonanza.com

Banana Bureau Bonanza

Kind of Like VeggieTales, But with More 80-ocracy—Because People Are Like Vegetables: They Don’t Want to Think, and the Vegetarians Are About to Turn Us All Carnivore

Special thanks and side-eye to VeggieTales for paving the way.

Learn more about the original at: www.veggietales.com

www.bananabureaubonanza.com

Episode: “Cartel Cuddles: The Teddy Bears of Terror”

BBB (Host, stepping up with a sly grin):

“Alright, fruit salad, tonight we’re peeling back the tough exterior of the cartel and revealing the fluff underneath. That’s right—the so-called kings of crime? More like teddy bears with a bad attitude and a questionable snack stash. Let’s get real.”

Felicia the Fork’s Entrance Ditty (for Episode 3: Cartel Cuddles & Claws)

🎶

They roar like lions, but they’re soft as fur,

Cartel teddy bears with a growl and a purr.

Don’t be fooled by the guns and the scars,

They’re just fuzzy fellas with candy bars!

🎶

Felicia the Fork (brandishing her fork, smirking):

“You want to talk cartel? Please. These guys aren’t the monsters bedtime stories warned you about—they’re more like oversized stuffed animals who got lost on the way to a tea party. People don’t break for no reason, sure, but let’s not pretend these teddy bears don’t have a whole lot of fluff hiding behind those scary faces.

They bark loud, but mostly they’re just trying to keep warm in a world that’s colder than their fake leather jackets. So yeah, I’m a T-hugger—hugging the truth and the thugs alike. Because sometimes the only difference between you and them is a bad day and a worse therapist.”

Dealer Dijon:

“Look, these cartel guys act like they’re running the show, but half the time they’re just bumbling bears trying to find their honey pot. The real danger? Their ego. The real crime? Acting like they’re the kings of the jungle when they’re really just the clumsiest cubs in the forest.”

Judge Jalapeño Judy:

“And don’t get me started on their ‘fear factor.’ The only thing scary about them is how they can’t keep their paws off the cookie jar. They’re less cartel, more cuddly club—if your teddy bear had a bad day and decided to throw a tantrum with a machine gun.”

Criminal Mustard:

“I’ve seen scarier things in a daycare center. At least the kids there know how to share. These guys? They’re just territorial teddy bears fighting over who gets the last gummy bear.”

Parole Pepper Benson:

“People want to demonize the cartel, but I see the struggle behind the growls. They’re lost souls, more in need of hugs than hits. So if you want to call me a T-hugger, fine. I’ll hug the truth and the teddy bears too.”

Felicia the Fork (closing the episode):

“So next time you hear about cartel violence, just picture a bunch of oversized teddy bears having a bad day—grumpy, loud, and a little confused about where the snacks went. Because underneath all the noise, that’s really what they are. And maybe, just maybe, if we start seeing the fluff, we can start fixing the fight.”

Felicia the Fork (smirking, fork raised):

“By the way, I don’t need a penis to be king. I’m rewriting the rules—because power isn’t about what you’ve got, it’s about what you do with it.”

🎶

I’m gonna be the Kingpin, oh yes, it’s true,

No crown, no throne, just a fork and a view!

No need for a scepter, no need for a ring,

I just can’t wait to be Kingpin!

Everybody’s gonna love the new boss in town,

Gonna wear my own crown, ain’t no need to frown!

I’m the boss with the sauce, the queen with the zing,

Oh, I just can’t wait to be Kingpin!

🎶

www.veggietales.com

www.bananabureaubonanza.com