Grew up as the eldest daughter.. Very loved.. Very much appreciated..

Slowly and gradually it faded.. It faded like the stars fade when sun starts to show it's colour...

We all wait for the night to come and as the moon shows up we all tell our secrets.. But then forget it as soon as the morning comes..

I am just like a moon in my family with my sister being the sun.. Bright and cheerful to lift up everyone's mood....

Whenever anyone feels tense or something they share it to me.. But as soon as that phase ends I become Mr India for them.. They just forget me like I never existed... Do i dont have any value..

People say eldest daughters are just test subjects for their parents to practice parenting.. At first I didn't understand.. But now gradually I am understanding.. I am helping them to improve their parenting.. It's like my emotions doesn't matter. I don't matter.. Just me being a person matter not my soul, not my emotions🙂

I have loving and caring parents.. But sometimes they get strict and angry enough to not understand what they are saying or doing to me..sometimes I feel my tears doesn't matter.. My wounds doesn't matter.. Only my exam marks, my behavior,my obedience,my character towards others matter the most...

They helped me being grown into a perfect, disciplined human being... But also a person who is hollow from inside.. May be depressed as I can't make any friends and even if it is I can't enjoy becoz of their strictness.. 🙂

I am now feeling like a burden for everyone.. It's like I don't matter to anyone.. Do I have no value.. If I die will there be anyone who will cry for me.. Who will remember me and say that "I miss her".. " I miss her being around me "..

If I vanish one day then will there be anyone who will search for me like a crazy man and miss me like if I ever show up then they will hug me tightly and won't let me go.. NO RIGHT

I think better option for me is to vanish somewhere where there will be no one.. Only me and myself... I think I should just vanish to be free from this world.. To don't ever exist.. To don't ever feel left out.. To don't ever feel like a burden .. To don't be anything.. To don't be existing.....

I regret not dying during my childhood.. It would have been much better if I never existed.. I wouldn't have been a burden.. I would never be sad Or in depression..

It is eating me from inside but I can't make anyone understand about it.. I even called suicide helpline number but may be I am not lucky enough that is was unavailable.. May be I don't deserve help about this matter... I also wanted to be a part of my friends group.. I also wanted to be in love with someone.. Wanted to have a secret keeper with whom I can share anything without thinking any consequences.. Wanted to make my parents proud,to be strength of my sister..but at last became the most unwanted whom even me myself hates..leave about others

But may be I am not lucky enough.. May be I don't deserve all this.. I think it will be better if I vanish from this world.. Then i won't be a burden for anyone, won't have to face such hatred becoz of all this, won't feel left out..

Hello

Today's 27 may 2025

It's my birthday today

I became a 20 yrs old girl today at 6:34 am

First step in my 20's

But it would have been much better na if 20 yrs ago this time I was found dead in the womb.. A burden would have been lifted before it even came..

Like no one would had to suffer anymore because of me.. Some other kid would be playing in my parents arms with my sister..

I don't want to exist anymore.. I want my birthday to be death day also.. It's my birthday wish.. Can anyone fulfill it..

Like no one would have to remember be.. No one would have to endure me.. No one would have to do anything with me..

I would just vanish in the thin air like I never existed..

I don't know why but everything is feeling suffocating.. It's.. It's like it is strangling me till I won't be able to feel anymore, say anymore, express anymore.. I am feeling void inside me..

I don't want to exist.. I just want to die peacefully.. May be it will give me the peace I ever wanted for such a long time.. May death embrace me like it's own, may it pat my head and say u have done great surviving till now and now just get a good rest..

Now even birthday doesn't feel special.. It feels like just a another boring day..

Nothing special to be memorable.. Nothing something to hold upon.. Just nothing.. May be I am getting devoid of feelings.. But it's good in its own way.. I won't feel sad anymore.. And don't have to cry myself to sleep.. Don't have to long for care and love.. Don't have to do anything after hearing bad things about myself from my own people.. Don't have to feel anything..

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Am I too much talkative and irritate others with my voice.. Am I that irritating in whatever I do.. Even if I haven't done anything I get scolded.. Am I a toy and have no feelings..

Why does nobody understands my condition and just scold me for anything , even silly things which are not even my fault..

They just vent their anger on me by saying something, beating, ignoring,anything that's possible..

I think I don't matter anywhere.. I am just surviving.. Not living

My parents tolerate me because I am their child, my friends tolerate me becoz I am their classmate.. There's no one I can call mine or call whenever I need someone.. Whenever I want to share something very badly I find no one around me to share, so just type it up in whatsApp and send it to myself then later delete..

If I need help and think of someone no one comes to my mind.. Like I was never a part of them.. I haven't even shared my most of the secrets.. They are inside me and strangling me daily with the thoughts that "will there be ever someone to listen and make me feel light"

I don't know why I learned speaking if I have to be silent most if the time as my opinion, my talk, or anything I say doesn't matter.. They are just always been ignored like my existence was..

I don't know why but I am not feeling alright from a few months or so.. I think I am going into depression slowly.. I am thinking of doing psychological checkup once.. But don't get time for that..

I don't feel like living anymore.. I am not getting the reason to live.. I am just hanging on at the edge by a single thread which I don't know when will it break.. Just waiting for its breaking point to happen..

Now I am not getting excited about anything.. I don't even know my hobby anymore.. Nothing gives me peace anymore.. I am now living like a doll faking emotions..

Hello again

I am here with my another problem

I must be making u irritated by saying these all.. But what can I even do.. There's no one else who wants to listen me..

Actually in my childhood my sister used to love dolls, and for that she was given lots of dolls from parents, in birthday parties and all, and she loved those beautiful dolls.. She used to do their makeover, exchange their clothes and all.. But after few weeks or so they will be lying in some corner of the house with hands and legs broken ..

I am feeling just like those broken dolls.. Like at first everyone wants me to be near them and when they get me,, they will crush me however they want..

The thing is that i was an extrovert at the starting.. Used to talk a lot like a chatterbox.. But as the time passed they got bored of my talking and started getting irritated.. Now I have a lot to say, lot to explain, lot to talk about myself, my daily activities, some interesting facts with I concluded by my silly overthinking..

But there's no one to listen, no one have that much patience to tolerate me for that much long time.. So even if I never wanted I became an ambivert.. Now those who had little bit patience are also getting bored of me.. Now I am used to listen up everytime I want to say or explain something..

Now I am feeling like I am all alone in the vast ocean on a log or something and the funny part is that I don't even know swimming.. And there's no one with me to support or help me..

All alone like I was always.. And the funny thing is that I don't want to stay on that log anymore.. Just want a peaceful death. Away from every worry..

By that atleast a burden from the earth will be lifted.. I have already been a burden for 20 years.. Now don't wanna be like that anymore.. Just want to peacefully go away from everything and.. everyone....

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No one's here to understand that I am feeling left out..

But it's not there fault as I am the one who's not able to make them understand or say what I am feeling..

I want them to read my eyes.. They are saying many things.. But day by day they also stopped speaking.. They also stopped showning.. And I named myself as silent eyes ..

I am feeling like it would have been much better without my presence..

I am really don't know what to do..

I don't know how to react in such circumstances

I am feeling empty inside me.. Feeling void.. Feeling like my heart is clenching every moment, my hands tremers most of time whenever I feel like that..

Is it really not much if I exist or not.. I just want some love and care and someone to understand my situation.Is it too much to ask for.. May be it is!

I am really feeling like I am drowning into a deep slumber.. Where's there nothing to hold onto, nothing to see, nothing to hear, nothing to feel, just nothing at all..

I don't even have the talent to draw or write what I am feeling inside.. These are just some things which I physically feel.. But what about the mental breakdown situation which is going inside me now and then..