This morning, waking up felt like a chore. Just like the other days of the week, month, and year. I showered, brushed my teeth, and had some water.

This morning I saw her with someone new. We were heading to class and she talked to me. It was that same warm smile that was there every time. All I got was a quick, "Hi Clay!". This was a gift that everyone had access to. Her kindness seemed to have no bounds. She even managed to somehow learn all of our names. Like the sun, she didn't spare anyone from her glow.

I always sit at the back of the classroom and no one sits next to me. It's actually the only empty seat left. Everyone would rather sit next to their friend.

The teacher was talking a lot today, I wasn't paying attention but it sure was annoying to hear all this noise. I really wanted to go "home". At least it was quiet.

At lunch, food tasted like nothing as usual, and the sounds were deafening as usual. Before, I used to eat on one of the benches that nobody used, no one was there and I could eat in peace. The cloudy sky was a nice view, it gave my little mental escapades a calming background.

She... she used to cook the best meals. Reading the books she used to get me was nice too. I miss her so much.

The days that passed felt like loops of one another, like an old useless record. Although... Today, something was unusual.

It was Saturday, which is usually the day where I realize that there is nothing left in the fridge, get too lazy to buy something during the day, and end up having no other choice but to buy something at night.

Starving is and never will be pleasant, not even my procrastination can beat it. All I wanted was some food and drinks. I would get it delivered, the thing is my aunt would see it and I don't want to hear from that ghost of a caretaker.

It was dark outside. The lamp post was flickering, some guy was smoking a cigarette outside the store, quite unsettling, not out of the ordinary though. I was about to pass through the automatic door when I bumped into someone. They seemed unwell. They said "sorry" in a low, shaky voice. It was a girl, she sounded quite familiar.

I guess I was too stupid to recognize who it was.

I responded "...Okay..." in a low voice as well, which didn't matter since she had already passed me.

Weird... lately it seems like I keep thinking of her. It's like I really am trapped in an endless loop. She's not here anymore! She left me! I'm alone now. I thought that I had gotten used to it. I thought that by now I would be close to finally being free. It's all her fault... didn't she know? I can't live without her! She's my...

"Sir... Sir! Sir , it'll be 20€ and 65 cents."

Ah...Oh, no... Another instance of me making a fool of myself. The cashier must take me for a creep now. Of all the places to stare at while spacing out, did it have to be her chest? Should I apologize? No, it would just make things more awkward. I'll just pay and leave... What are the odds that the next time I come here it'll be her shift? Maybe I should just never come here again...

Embarrassed and somehow slightly traumatized by my own actions, I left the store and right there I saw her.

She was sitting there, hugging her knees on the side of the store, crying and eating ice cream at the same time. At first, I felt like it was none of my business and that I should just ignore it. But then I felt bad. It must have been because of that familiar feeling since I've never done such a thing before.

I approached her slowly, tried my best to look normal, and probably did not, but I was not planning on having a repeat of earlier, although things did not seem promising.

Since when did I have such great morals? I don't know what made me think I would be of any help. I was kind of expecting her to tell me to piss off, leave her alone, and maybe even add an insult to it. I personally would like to be left alone if I was crying. At least I could say that I tried for once.

As I got closer, the face that was previously hidden by a hoodie revealed itself. I knew her! It was the only human being that I looked forward to seeing every day. Someone that in my mind couldn't possibly be so sad.

"Karina? Is that you?" Those two questions had a clear answer and didn't need to be asked. What's wrong with me?

We love to ask dumb questions first, don't we? The serious ones always come after. That's how she used to talk to me. I would fall, get a bruise, and after clearly seeing it, she would ask, "Are you hurt?". Like seriously? As if it wasn't obvious... Then came the important questions. How did you fall? Do you need help walking? Somehow, she would always wipe my tears away without even touching them. I wish I had some of her magic. I guess I can still give it a try.

Karina looked at me with her teary eyes. She seemed miserable. I wanted to ask why she was crying, but the words just didn't come out. I was already failing. She gave signs of wanting to say something but wasn't able to. That must have frustrated her because she started to cry even more. I wasn't helping.

Like words didn't appear to be something that was going to be exchanged, I decided to just sit next to her. She looked at me puzzled, but she didn't push me away. Obviously, I was at a good distance from her. My plan wasn't to make her uncomfortable.

She cried for a while more, and I just stayed there in silence. Not sure if I was of any help. I do know, though, that sometimes, when you cry alone, you can feel lonely. Maybe I helped a bit with that.

"I'm ugly, aren't I?" Those are the first words she managed to tell me. It is true that her eyes had become a bit puffy. She also had a bit of snot coming out of her nose. Ugly, though? I doubt she's ever been close to that. She was still beautiful in my eyes. "That's not true. You're still a pretty girl... I mean, lady... no, I mean woman.". That made her laugh. I didn't know I could make her laugh.

We actually managed to talk a bit, and she told me that the reason why she was so sad was that today, this Saturday, was her little brother's death anniversary. She came to this store because that's where she used to buy him ice cream after school. I suppose that coming here must have flooded her with memories, causing a tsunami of emotions. I felt a bit out of place. To me, it was weird that she was able to be so open with me. For all intents and purposes, I was just a guy who just so happened to be in her class. A stranger is what I was.

What was even weirder is that she also lost someone. To think that me and the sun had something in common...

I didn't tell her about it, though. I hate mentioning it, and I'm sure she knows anyway. She was in my class last year, and the principal made sure to tell all my classmates for my "safety" or something. As if it would help people have more compassion for someone they barely remember existed.

We had finished talking and she got up. It was time for us to go our separate ways. She thanked me for keeping her company and left.

"Well, could you keep this a secret for me? Thanks, Clay, you're an angel. I'll definitely pay you back for your time!" That was the sweetest thing I was told in forever.

Tonight was unusual.

The moment Karina left, it felt like someone unplugged me from my life source. All the colors were gone once more.

The walk back was..., well, it wasn't enjoyable to say the least. As soon as I got back "home" and closed the door, the feeling of emptiness finally took back its usual center stage in my heart. I tried to do my usual routine but I couldn't. I had forgotten how good it felt to talk to someone who didn't judge you. She actually thanked me... She also smiled at me. Was I happy? No, it made me sad. It reminded me of how abnormal I was. After experiencing such warmth, how can I possibly go back to living this pitiful, disgusting excuse of a life that is my own? I would be fine being lonely if I truly was alone.

It's been a while since I had to face my emotions. Maybe I had it coming, after all, consistency has never been present in my life. It would have been odd if I were to only be confronted by one kind of misery.

I was wondering if that love you had for me was just an act. It's so strange. One moment I wish to forget about you, and the next I wish for you to come back. I felt that those good memories were hiding something from me. Those things surely were the reason for why I would wish to forget about you, but I couldn't remember.

Then I started crying again, and, in an attempt to stop those repulsive tears, I wanted to think of you, of all the joy you brought me, but that wasn't you, that was her, you two were different, that's how I understood it, you never loved me but she did. You added fuel to the fire and she extinguished it. You were the storm and she was the shelter. I was happy that you were gone but sad that she left. I had the answer to this mystery that wasn't one. I just wouldn't accept it.

I didn't go to school today. I didn't have the strength to. No one would notice anyway, they put me absent even when I am there. I doubt there would be a difference. I didn't eat either, not yet that is. There is no hunger hastening me. I spent the whole day doing what that woman called nothing, like writing in my journal, reading, etc... I was watching a movie in the living room when I heard the doorbell ring. I don't remember ordering anything... Maybe they got the wrong address? The bell rang again.

"Clay! It's Karina! Are you there?" Did I just hear that correctly? What is she doing here?

"K-Karina? Wait a second, I'm coming!"

I unconsciously rushed to open the door for her. After seeing her I felt it again, that warmth, the one that caused my melancholy, and still I couldn't say no to it. I let her into my "home" and we sat on the couch. Unlike those corny romcoms, I have no mess to hide. Actually, I'm sure she thinks that this house is empty and colorless, as if no one lives in it. In a way she wouldn't be wrong, I'm just... Wait, why did she come here any-

"You didn't come to class today. I wanted to see if you were alright. Hey, are you listening? You've been staring at the coffee table since earlier."

"I'm listening. I'm ju-" She just... Suddenly she placed her hand on my forehead.

"At least you don't have a fever. You're still a bit warm though. So, why weren't you at school?" I don't really understand why she cares... Hold on, how does she know where I live?

"I didn't feel too well." I'm not lying.

"Are you sick? Did you catch a cold?" She would never guess... not that I want her to.

"I'm not. I was just really tired." She'll believe that, right?

"Oh... is it because of the Saturday? It's my fault, isn't it?" Of course it's no- ... Actually, maybe it is.

"Clay I'm so sorry. I will..." Both of their stomachs growled . "I-I-I will buy you dinner..."

That was embarrassing for both of us I'm pretty sure. I was fine all day, how come I'm starving now?

"Do you not want to?", she asked. My stomach growled.

I felt my whole body heat up and even worse, she started laughing at me. "I... I want to..." For once I can't even think.

I somehow ended up going out with her. I don't even remember how I got there. All I know is that we took the bus and talked about our families. Well, more like she talked about hers and I listened. She's the youngest in her family, second to her older sister. She said that they don't talk much. After her late younger brother's death, her parents became cold with her. She thinks that they blame her for his death. I don't know the details since she seemed to be getting sensitive. I told her that "there's no need to go into details. I know you didn't do anything wrong."

The subject was subtly changed to that of relationships.

"Did I tell you that I have a boyfriend?" She said. That hurt a bit, even though I already noticed.

"No, you didn't."

"I don't actually like him. He was cool at first, but now, he's just like the others. Needy and boring. I swear he just wants to sleep with me. sigh..."

"S-sleep with you?!" What? I've never talked about stuff like this before...

"Why do you seem so shocked? I thought guys were all well versed in this subject in particular. Pff! Clay, you look so funny. You should see your face." She takes a picture of my flustered face and shows it to me. "See, it's hilarious!"

"I... I..." I blushed really hard. "Please delete the picture." This is so embarrassing! I wanna jump out of the bus window.

"No, never!" She replied with a wicked smile.

"Please Karina, I..." I pleaded to no avail.

"No!", She said. "I like it very much and I want to keep it for memories. Plus you look really cute on it so I won't erase it. Maybe I'll even put it as my wallpaper for a while." She grinned at the idea.

"N-no. You just said you had a boyfriend, he'll get mad at me when he finds out." I was fearing the worst.

"Then I'll break up with him." Huh?

"I already don't like him, I might as well." What?

"Plus if that means I can't see you then it's not worth even saying "Hi" to him."

"Wait what?"

"Huh? Oh it's our stop. Let's go Clay." She's confusing me.

Personally I don't quite understand her motives or even why she's showing me all this attention. All the things that she says could bring someone to think things that aren't true.

...Cute, huh...

The conversation kept flowing as we reached the restaurant. She also took a lot of pictures of me... I fought against it at first but soon realized that I was wasting my energy. We had fun though. I had fun. It kind of felt like a dream, like I finally made a friend and it was the person I admired. I used to think that she was out of reach but maybe I was wrong. Although I was mainly just listening to her talk, it was enjoyable. At the time I didn't care about how much it would hurt to leave her side again. To me, maybe the universe had taken pity on me, or knowing my luck, it could all just be a cruel joke.

For that whole afternoon, the world had color, I could breathe easily and I was... happy? I'm not sure. I've felt "empty" for so long that I'm not sure how I should categorize this "something".

There was something that I couldn't brush off, it was the look in her eyes. Sometimes she would say things and then look at me as if expecting a reaction. Not just when she made a joke... She had a way of talking about everything in a light, nonchalant way. You would never think of her as someone who would sneak out to eat ice cream at night and cry alone. If you think about it, that was reckless. How does she do it? She clearly has her issues, so how come she seems to be so carefree? And those eyes... What are they telling me?

This way of making everything seem okay, it made me think of him, of the time when he cared about us, about me. Before the vase was shattered.

I miss you dad.

Now that she's gone, I can finally see through all the criticism that she constantly threw at you. Part of me didn't want to accept it but when you were there, I could actually live life like a normal kid. Even if you were busy, you took care of me. Honestly, you were my favorite.

One of my first memories is of a beautiful fireworks show at a New Years event. I was in your warm arms and I watched in awe. Most of what I remember of you is positive because you were a great father.

Seven years, seven long years since you left and abandoned me.

The divorce was unexpected and awful. I still remember the day when it was announced like it was yesterday.

The day before I was at my grandma's house. From time to time you would send me there with the excuse of, "Your 'ma isn't so young anymore. You should go help out and keep her company!".

I didn't question it at the time since my grandma was amazing. I mean she would feed me so well and I always left with a little something in my pocket, but it wasn't all innocent.

Later, I found out via my aunts gossiping that whenever I was sent out, it was because he knew that they were going to have a huge argument.

How did he know? Well after having to live through this woman's rage myself, I can assure you that there were always signs, however, it was also always unavoidable.

That day, as I rang the bell, all excited to show my dad my new and improved drawing of my favorite superhero, he opened the door and everything froze.

The first thing I saw was his face. The right side had a bruise.

Then I saw his arm and it had bandages. The house was a wreck and all of this was at the time unrecognizable.

"D-daddy? Wha-" Is all that I managed to say before he bent down and hugged me.

"Daddy is sorry that you have to see this. Mom and I got into a little disagreement again... sigh This time I couldn't solve it."

I could feel him shake while he held me.

"Daddy can't stay with mom anymore. I wanted to do this for you but I can't anymore..."

I heard him sob and the back of my shirt got wet little by little.

"Daddy... I don't understand. What do you mean?" I heard him take a deep breath.

"Mom and daddy are getting a divorce."

And that was it. It finally clicked. I knew what was a divorce, I was old enough to know that much. I was 10, not stupid.

I don't know where she was at the time, all I know is that he packed some of my clothes and brought me to his "best friends" house.

This man wasn't a complete stranger. I had seen him a couple of times at home. My dad used to say that he was in his top 5 of people he loved the most.

He used to say that I was number one... I guess that was one of his lies.

I was kept in the dark of almost everything at the time.

I spent 2 weeks with my dad and his best friend, where I never heard from or saw that woman. It was weird to say the least but I sort of liked it. It was still peaceful in a way. After that thought, everything went downhill.

That woman accused my dad of kidnapping me, infidelity and abuse towards her. Which was absurd! To me all those statements were lies. I mean he was the one that I saw covered in wounds. When she picked me up, after relentlessly threatening my father, her skin was as clear as ever, while his still had scars.

The worst thing was what happened in court.

She got full custody.

On that day, I, the judge and the jury, found out that my dad and his best friend were having an affair. Yes, my father was in love with another man, but did that justify her abuse? I suppose it did to them.

That's how I lost my father.