It all started on a rainy weekend day. It was the 20th of September, a date that brought back some memories I wanted to forget. I went to the bar I usually go to, but this time I felt it again... the nostalgic and lonely sensation I've been trying to escape.

Here it comes again... That feeling — that feeling of depression, of emptiness. I used to come to this bar with the two people I loved most.

Naro was my childhood best friend. He was like my brother, I loved him like he was blood from my blood. We first met when we were 10 years old, we were in year 6. We became closer with each day we spent together, we were inseparable. We were each other’s safe place, adviser, secret keeper, supporter... He was the person that felt truly close to me, I felt like he actually cared. We knew everything about each other as we grew up. Both of us were “in the closet.”

With time, I realized that I was bisexual. Women weren’t the only ones that made me feel something... It felt strange... strangely right.

My first relationship was with a girl. It was 3 years long, we were happy together and we got along quite well, but she had to move to another country with her family, so we decided to stop dating. After that, I didn’t date anyone for a while — all that time still being in the closet with only one person knowing: Naro.

Naro, on the other hand, was gay. But he had always dated women. He never felt any particular attraction towards women, but he dated them because he didn’t want people to think he was gay. His relationships always ended shortly. The girls he used to date always felt neglected. They didn’t feel loved or like they truly connected together, so they slowly realized the feelings weren’t actually mutual — so in the end, they always broke up.

So this whole time, he just pretended to be interested in women, sleep with them, have relationships with them, while he never actually felt truly fulfilled and happy in his relationships.

Despite that, he still continued being in the closet. He was too afraid of being judged. He didn’t want his family and the other people around him to change their opinions about him, so he remained silent.

Years went by as we grew up together. We had the same passions, so being close to each other was never a problem. We went to the same school, same college and same university.

Sadly, our relationship drastically changed after we got through university...

In our first year of university, we met Isaro... He was the most eye-catching person I’ve ever met at the time. He was beautiful and smart... I felt mesmerized by him, it almost felt like love at first sight. He was friendly and easy-going, he was sweet and had a captivating personality. He was openly bisexual and he was never afraid to say that he loved both.

He was creative and passionate — everything he did was made with full interest, and I’ve always appreciated and loved that about him. He was such a captivating and wonderful person, no wonder everyone liked him... me included. I’ve never felt that way about anyone. My heart used to start beating faster around him. I used to get butterflies in my stomach when he talked to me.

In time, me and Naro got close to him, and we all started to hang around. We became close friends, and with time my relationship with Isaro got even closer. After a while, I told him that I was bisexual, and that’s when he let out something that sounded like a relieved exhale and told me that he liked me, that he wanted me to be his boyfriend. And since that day, we started dating. It was going wonderful. I truly felt happy, and everything was going just... perfectly.

One year later, Naro told me that he trusted Isaro enough to tell him that he was gay... so he did. He was fine with the thought of him being gay, of course. Then we went on normally... except a few small things in their actions.

Naro started jokingly saying, “Alright, lover birds! We get it. I’m really gonna throw up if you carry on with so much sweetness,” when me and Isaro got close, when we hugged, kissed... which was weird because he never said things like that before.

Naro started acting a bit weird... but I never actually thought something was going on.

Two years later, I started seeing bigger changes in their behavior. They seemed like they got even closer, always getting touchy, flirting in a jokingly way... It felt a bit off, but I didn’t want to overthink it because I blindly trusted them, so I let it slide aside.

The time came and we started the 4th and last year of university at the Business and Management course. This year was pretty important. We had lots to study and it was pretty stressful, but we still had a beautiful year and we had good experiences together. We had to do quite a lot of group projects, which was good because we got to spend even more time together.

Well... that’s what I thought. I thought that it was something good that we got to spend so much time together, that we got the chance to create an even stronger bond between us... and that sort of happened, but not with all three of us.

Finally, the last project of the year was up. So, we had to start working on it. We had to work hard and come up with something big, something new and captivating. This was the hardest and most important project we had to work on, so we had to get to it earlier than we usually started on our normal projects, and we had to work twice as hard.

So I asked Naro and Isaro to meet up with me at Dreamland — it was the bar we always went to. My house was around 30 minutes away from the bar if I walked and around 10 minutes away if I drove. When I called them, I knew they were free because we talked the day before, saying that we should meet up so we could start talking about the project.

I was already around that area, so I called them and asked them to meet me there. Since I was already there, I got inside the bar, sat down, and bought myself a drink.

Minutes later, I saw them both together outside the bar... they were close. Too close... and then they kissed.

I felt my heart instantly tearing apart inside my chest as my face slowly went pale and a few tears left my eyes. With no exaggeration, I could’ve easily said that it was the most painful and excruciating moment I’d ever been through.

My heart was slowly breaking into thousands of small pieces as I watched them kiss. A few minutes later — that felt like hours — went by. Then they entered the bar hand in hand... A moment later they saw me.

Their faces were full of shock. They quickly hurried and came to me... They saw the look on my face and they started apologizing, they had a guilty and apologetic look on their faces. Both of them were right in front of me. I stood up and looked them dead in the eyes and said:

> “I was stupid enough to trust and love you both like you were my family…”

A few more tears fell on my cheeks as I continued:

> “I FUCKING HATE YOU GUYS. HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING TO ME?! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE SO DAMN CARELESS?!”

I shouted at them as my face drowned in tears.

They were completely silent — speechless. They just looked at me while I was breaking down... they looked at me in a remorseful manner as I continued:

> “I never want to see your fucking faces again! Go fuck yourselves!”

The silence was excruciating, but at the same time I was glad they didn’t try to justify their actions with lies — that would’ve hurt me more.

I pushed them aside and I left. I couldn’t stay there anymore... I couldn’t bear seeing them like that.

Well, that was what happened with them... Then I had to bear the pain of a heartbreak — and not only lose a boyfriend, but a lifelong friend too. It took me a long time to actually start being myself again. I fell into a pretty bad depression, and I went through different stages of it.

In the first three months after my breakup… I cried my soul out. I was blaming myself. I kept telling myself it was my fault that this happened — that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t provide enough, and that’s why everything fell apart. But the truth was... I gave my all in that relationship and friendship. I tried my best to be the best version of myself. I tried my best to make them work, to make us happy. But it seems like it still wasn’t enough...

Or maybe, just maybe, both of them didn’t have the capacity to appreciate or acknowledge someone who was genuinely trying their best. Maybe they didn’t even notice how much effort I was putting in every day — how hard I tried to make things feel right for everyone.

Then came the fourth and fifth months. That’s when I went numb. I had no tears left. Even if I wanted to cry, I physically couldn’t. The thing was… I was still in pain. Deep inside, I was hurting. But somehow, I wasn’t experiencing the same kind of pain I had at first. It was different — weird and very hard to put into words. I simply... detached. From everything and everyone. I didn’t care anymore. At all.

I stopped taking care of myself during this whole time. I didn’t go outside. I didn’t eat properly. Because of that, I lost quite a bit of weight. I stopped working on myself, stopped focusing on my dreams. I just layed in bed most of my days... I seemed soulless at that time. And honestly, it was a pretty scary state of my life. Those five months were incredibly tough.

But eventually, I started going to therapy.

Some people around me — told me they noticed I wasn’t doing well, and they suggested I try therapy. At first, I didn’t believe it would help. I’ve never been the kind of person who thought therapy could fix something like this... But I gave it a try anyway. And slowly, things started getting better.

I started feeling again. I started smiling. I began taking care of myself. I started enjoying my life and myself again — little by little, day by day. The only problem I still had was that I’d sometimes feel like breaking down again. I’d have moments where the depression would try to sneak back in. But thankfully, those moments didn’t last very long.

During this entire healing process, I never dated anyone. I never even slept with anyone. I tried to — I wanted to feel something again — but whenever I met someone, it always felt like I just… couldn’t do it. It’s hard to explain. It was this strange feeling that would always hold me back from restarting my life, from being happy again.

I hardly trusted anyone during that time, and I felt like I couldn’t open up. Even when I tried — I tried with both a man and a woman. But I never let anyone get past the talking stage. I couldn’t bring myself to let anyone in again. My walls were too high, and honestly, I didn’t know if I could ever break them down.