Whenever I look at the sky, I feel something. But I couldn’t remember. Everytime I feel the warm sunlight on my face, or taste the wind, the dryness in the air, I feel lonely. It’s a hollow feeling in my chest, like a void. An empty jar that I could not fill. Sometimes, I just feel like I want to cry, or smile, or do both at the same time. I feel bittersweet. Everything about the golden sky tells me that I need to remember something. But what is it? I tend to ask myself. And until now, I don’t have the answer. If feelings are enough to convey myself, to make me realize what I am longing for, I must have known it a million times. But it wasn’t. This feeling... It makes me think of the dreams that I abandoned, the moon that I couldn’t reach or the rain that I couldn’t taste.

     Sometimes, I find myself talking to the sky with a smile  on my safe, and the wetness on my cheeks. It’s a place where I find peace, and longing. But whatever the reason for these feelings, for the bittersweet sadness that I can almost taste, for my wish to touch and feel the sky, to stay there and never come back down—someday, somewhere, somehow...

     I will remember.

     It feels like a promise. Like it was the words that came exactly from my lips, with tears in my eyes, underneath a feeling of freedom, and the feeling of falling from it. I tried to find it everywhere, that feeling, be it quite literally, be it I try to close my eyes and feel my heart for the first time. I can remember the feeling. It was a place that felt like home, where I can free my mind, like I breathe for the first time. I want to feel it again, I want to

remember. I want to come back.

     I reached for the sky with my hands, trying to grab it. I didn’t know why I want to reach them, and the mere fact that I couldn’t makes me feel so... Hopeless.

     It felt like a sudden jerk, a snap—the cold I felt in my cheeks, the trickle of my tears. I immediately wiped it away, confused. There it is again. Why am I crying? Does leaving this town really made me sensitive and sad to the  point that I’m crying? Tearing why eyes away from the golden sky, the warm pastel colors and the clouds that remini me of the ocean, I gripped my backpack, inhaling the fresh air that I will never fill my lungs again once I’m back in the main city.

     I sighed, looking at my feet. “What is wrong with me?”

     No one answered me besides the soft rustle of the leaves, with the wind as their companion. Slowly, I raised my head, to stare at the river in front of me. For some reason, looking at it gave me the same feelings I felt whenever I look at the sky, but it’s not that deep, not that sorrowful. It felt joyous, like a pleasant moment happened here. But I’m pretty sure nothing happened to me here. No one even stopped to appreciate it. But now, why do I feel this?

    I forced a small smile to etch on my lips, and afterwards, a low chuckle came from my lips. I felt kind of ridiculous because of this. Did staying at this town made me kind of dramatic? I continued to stare across the river. I had the vague feeling that I once wondered what is at the other side of it. When it happened, I couldn’t remember. All I know is the feeling. But I still wonder.

     Behind me, I heard footsteps, light and gentle across the grass and the ground. I didn’t turn around, until the footsteps stopped, until I can only feel that person’s presence behind me. I just kept my eyes on the river, staring at the reflection of the sky on it, like a mirror if the world above. It always fascinated me, but something about this town, some fleeting moments in those last few days that I’ve been here, that I could not remember, made me long for it more. A sudden ache caressed my whole body for some reason, at least not physical. I completely forgot the fact that I’m going to leave.

     “Are you coming or not?” a feminine voice asked me. At first, I couldn’t register the voice, then the irritated huff gave it away. It was Rina. “You can’t just stand and stare there forever.”

    I ripped my eyes away from the river and turned to her slowly, the wind caressing my cheeks. Fall is nearing, making the air a little cold and biting that it should have been. “I want to make this moment last.”

     Rina just rolled her brown eyes at me, frowning she has had enough of me. “The only thing you’re doing right now is making us wait,” she retorted, and a small smile broke on my lips. “The bus rarely comes around here, you have to move from where you are if you don’t wan to be left here. Unless you want to stay?”

     I actually hesitated. Glancing back at the orange leaves that surrounded and circled the edge of the river, I bit my lip. For some reason, a part of me didn’t want to leave, like it just wants to stay there forever, watching the seasons go by. But then the feeling of sudden need to get away from this place filled me. The need. Why did I feel such a thing, when in the first place, I did know that I will leave this town eventually?

    “Say, Rina...” I trailed off, shifting on my feet, the small rocks and the satisfying sound of the rough ground against my shoes temporarily filled the growing silence. “You...didn’t happen to see me doing unusual this August, right?”

     “Besides being filled with attitude and refusing any social interactions with the locals?” She started, arching her eyebrows, then she shook her head. “No, I didn’t. Why ask?”

     It took a moment for me to say something. I smiled thinly, “Nothing. I just feel different.”

     “Probably because of the countless mugs of coffees you drank ever since you got here. Either way, you know how this town works. It’s always like that. You come and leave here as a completely different person,” Rina shrugged, obviously not giving any ounce of care about my situation.

     No, this is different, I wanted to say. Being a completely different person once you enter and leave this town is one thing, but something tells me it’s not like that. For me, it  felt like everything, everywhere—there is something that’s telling me to remember, to clear the blurry feeling of happiness and sadness. Like I jumped on every rock, sang to the wind, flew across the sky. A connection, like there’s a part of my mind hidden behind this very town. But, still, I nodded at her, but it felt like I’m convincing myself that it was the case instead of agreeing with her.

     Silence passed between us, the wind whispering to our ears. Rina’s glossy, black hair danced with the gentle breeze as she say, “It’s time to leave.”

   A sudden feeling of melancholy drowned me, but I nodded, putting both of my hands inside the pocket of my coat. Eventually, you will have to leave. Glancing back at the river, at the golden sky that started to dull the bright colors brought by the sunlight, I whispered my good bye.

  And so I left, with only the feelings I carry. I knew it was the last time. And I hope I stayed.

     It was a cold morning, that’s what I know. The moment my mind woke, I immediately felt the coldness on my skin besides the thick comforter I have wrapped around my body. For a moment, I thought that this is just another morning that I have to sleep off and let hours pass by without that much of a thought, but a sudden memory played inside my head. It’s the last month of Summer, and I have been pushed not to spend it inside my bedroom by my cousin and my brother.

     Groaning, I groggily sat up from my bed,  immediately regretting the fact that I agreed to come in whatever town Haruya called. In this moment, all I want is to sleep again and give zero care about what’s happening in the world right now. That’s right, I told myself. I can just continue sleeping and they’ll eventually get the message that I won’t be coming and I changed my mind. With this thought playing in my head, I gladly lowered myself back to my pillow.

     And with my poor stroke of luck, my door busted open. Like, really busted open. It even looked like whoever monster invited himself in my room did not even use the doorknob. I groaned the moment I recognized the footsteps coming towards me. Of course it was Haruya. This little… Problematic piece of a human.

     “Oi, get up!” His voice was deep, but the excitement is there. “We need to get ready. It’s nearing three already.”

     I groaned. “Leave me alone.” Yep, I totally regret agreeing to this. “I’m not coming. I changed my mind.”

    Haruya grumbled something under his breath, but I was still too sleepy to even care or think whatever it is he said. For a moment, I thought he’s going to let me have my way, but the next thing I knew, he’s hitting me with a pillow. “Get. Up! Asahi, I’m telling you, if you don’t get up, the next thing that’s gonna hit you won’t be a pillow.”

     I immediately sat up because of this. One, because I know he’s not joking. There’s a fair amount of things he can hit me with, and the result will be me, being dead. And two, his voice is starting to scare me. Haru has always been like this, and for some reason, I really find him kind of scary despite the fact that I’m taller than him and I can manhandle him anytime. Though, I doubt I will actually do that. He’s the older sibling, after all.

     I raised my eyes at him, and he was grinning in satisfaction. Despite the fact that we’re siblings, we hardly look like each other. While my hair has the  color of the night, Haruya has the color of fall. It’s glazed with dark brown whenever it meets the sunlight. His eyes are a completely different color, too. Onyx. A deep onyx, the color of void. I’d say he got that from our father—our Japanese side—while I have the color of emerald. I got most of my features from my mother’s side, who’s European, while most of his features are from our Asian father. I guess that will explain the few inches that differentiated our height.

     “Come on, Asahi,” Haruya started, frowning. “How are you not excited about this?”

     I stared at him. “Did you seriously just asked me that?” I shook my head, finding this moment a little too ridiculous for me to handle.

   Just like our differences with our appearance, that also goes for our personalities. We’re like the Ying and Yang, completely opposite. Unlike Haru, I always kept to myself and is known as the quiet and awkward child. And I’m not going to say they’re wrong. I’ve always been troubled when it comes to socializing, and it’s a good thing I never really had the need of talking to other people. I’m always alone, and will only talk to people if Haruya pushes me. Ever since, the other kids has always been kind of scared of me.

    And Haruya, on the other hand, is the bright child. The star, or something like that. He’s always been approachable, a gentle soul and is very generous. That will only explain the friends he has made ever since we were kids, and the countless confessions and people who relies on him. Sometimes, I actually pity my brother. Most times, I laugh at him. He’s always been the kind of guy that will put others before him, and help them in any way possible. He’s popular in our school, too, and they didn’t even know I am his brother.

     Sometimes, I wonder if we’ve been switched by our names. The name ‘Asahi’ clearly suits him because of his attitude, while I… Well, I don’t think I will suit his name either, but ‘Asahi’ clearly doesn’t suit me. My name means the morning, the start of a new day, the sunlight. And I’m pretty sure I am far from being a sunlight. Also, I hate mornings.

     To be honest, I really should not be here with my brother, in Japan. Growing up, we rarely really see each other, for Haruya’s born here in Japan, and I was raised Greece, and moved to Ireland. I just followed him here, to be honest. At first, he was against the idea of me, being in here, everyone was, but he cannot do anything. We both understand what’s our lives back in our mother’s side, and maybe that’s why. It’s just his second year here, and I followed him after one year.

    Haru groaned at me, scratching the back of his head, making his bed hair ten times worse. It’s obvious he just woke up to, and now look at him, he’s here, bugging me already.

     “Nevermind. You already agreed, anyways, so you can’t back out,” He said, then looked around my room. “Why can’t I see any luggage? At all.”

    “Maybe because I didn’t prepare.” I mumbled under my breath.

   “Well, do it now!” Haru ran his hand on his hair, a frown on his face. It looks like he was about to lose it, but then he shrugged. “I guess you can do it after we eat, there’s still time anyways. Come down, I prepared breakfast.”

   “Big words for cup noodles.”

    “Shut up,” He snapped at me, making me grin for a brief moment as I watch him as he leave my room, grumbling under his breath.

   My whole body wanted to go back to sleep and don’t give any care about Haruya’s requests, but of course, I didn’t. Despite the fact that I absolutely have no reason to stay alive, I don’t want to be killed by my own brother. Groaning, I followed Haruya downstairs, occasionally tripping and stumbling over nothing. Right now, I live with him, right under the roof of his apartment. Unlike me, again, Haruya has stable job while being a student, and that was enough to keep the both of us breathing. The thing is, most of the time, all we eat are pizza and cup noodles that says it was one hundred percent authentic.

    From downstairs, the homey smell of the noodles greeted me, and I felt a little better and woke. I heard Haruya curse a little, as something hit the floor. Maybe a pan, or a metal bowl. This is exactly why I often do the cooking and the cleaning.

    When I got downstairs, Haruya’s sitting on the two-chaired table in the middle of the dining room. He’s slurping the cup noodles in his hand loudly, clearly enjoying his meal. I don’t see why he enjoys these kind of instant food. It’s horrible.

     “Ah, yes, the smell of noodles in the morning. I am not getting sick of this at all,” I mumbled, earning a glare from my brother, but it’s obvious that he appreciated my rare humor (?) at times. Sliding to sit  in front of him, where a cupped ramen was waiting for be devoured, I noticed the bags and the luggage that’s waiting just in the corner. I stared at him then asked, “We’re really doing this?”

     “Doing what?”

   “Going to that town? I forgot the name. Don’t tell  me. Not interested.” I said, then he rolled his onyx eyes. “Do you seriously have to drag me with you, though?”

   “I can’t let my little brother waste his life away, and the whole Summer, brooding inside his room,” He answered, slurping and sipping a handful of noodles.  I actually cringed at the sight. Then, he shrugged. “Besides, we’ve been technically invited by our relatives. Plus, I’m growing sick of the city.”

    “I’m not.”

   He gave me an irritated look. “Also, mother told us to come there. She’d be disappointed if she finds out you’re not there.”

    I didn’t have anything to reply to that besides a sigh and a lackluster manner of eating the cup noodles in front of me. The last time I saw our mother was years ago, the first year of my high school. I can barely even remember the sound of her voice, but Haruya kept communication with her. At times, Haruya would try and convince me to talk to her, but, unlike the other day where he managed to convince me, he never really convinced me to  talk to her. He always asked me why I won’t talk to her, and I’d always say that I’m just not in the mood, but in reality, I don’t know either.

    Obviously, unlike me and mother, they’re closer, despite the fact that they only see each other after three or two years, while I literally live in my mother’s house for years. Maybe because they share the same qualities and even the same attitude, or whatever. I don’t care either way. The thing I want to know is why should she tell us to go in that hidden town, or something. I call it hidden because, according to Haruya’s unwanted stories, it was just a small town, and people barely even know it exists. I really just forgot the name. But for some reasons, I can’t tell why our she would tell Haruya to go in that specific town when she’s literally stuck in Ireland.

   “You should prepare yourself first, Asahi,” Haruya said, breaking the comfortable silence between us. “I’ll put our things in the car.”

    “I still haven’t packed my things.” I mentioned.

    He cocked his eyebrow. “Okay. So?”

     “You should take the bathroom first, onii-san,” I said in a teasing tone. We both hate it when we use those words to address each other, and obviously, that’s exactly why I did that.

   Obviously, Haruya almost killed me by throwing some things right at my face. Luckily, I dodged all that, thank you for his bad aim. I smirked at him as a challenge, then stopped when he grabbed the pan that’s sitting peacefully at the counter that happened in the range of his reach.

  “Hey, time out!” I defended myself by putting both of my arms together and hiding my face like it was supposed to protect me when I could not.  “I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

   “If this hits your face, I’m also kidding.” He retorted, his voice growing dark, but with the hint of fun at the edge of it. I laughed my low laugh, then stood up to make my escape. Again, the last thing that I want to happen is to be killed by my own brother. “That’s right. Back out like the coward you are.”

    Haruya may not be the ideal housemate because we’re brothers, but we do get along, attempts of murder aside. At times, he would try to ask me what I can remember in our childhood together, and I’d say I don’t remember anything, but in reality, a certain memory stuck with me, and if it hadn’t, I must have hated Haruya by now.

  It was the memory of him scaring off the kids in the playground because they were picking up on me. Other time was when he introduced me to my very first friend, which I don’t talk to now. But at least I did made a friend in my childhood because of him. Not like I’m thankful. Hell, I am not. I hate friends, or whatever you call those individuals that stick with you, distract you and try to gossip things with you—or about you. Either way, I will never understand why people love having other people around them. And I don’t think I’d make the effort to know so.

    As if in a trance, I packed almost everything in my closet, given that I only own a couple of shirts, sweaters and other things. Some of them were Haruya’s hand-me-downs, and the others are literally the clothes I was forced to buy for. If anything, the things I originally own was my brown sweater that I brought and the rest are just scraps. The moment I finished packing my things (if you call shoving clothes carelessly inside my luggage the okay) I was immediately summoned by my brother to come downstairs. He told me to prepare myself, then got outside to put our things in his car.

     I really cannot see the reason why he’s so excited about this trip, and the fact that we’ll be staying in that town for a month. Sighing, I forced myself to not feel disheartened by the fact that I will be in a place I barely know and, gods forbid, be forced to do things such as talk to people because of Haruya. I comforted myself with the thought of I will not be interested in anything about that town and a month can pass just as quickly.

   “Are you sure you don’t want to know where we’re going?” Haru asked me as he fixed the rear view mirror and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. “You might blow your mind when we reach it.”

    “I told you I’m not interested.” I sighed.

    Haruya huffed, but did not say anything. He knows that I barely take any interest to anything, and when I did, it’s about the most minor things and lose it as quickly as I took interest about it.

    “You should really live a little, Asahi.”

    “You just dragged me out of my room and you say that?” I mumbled under my breath, making myself comfortable in the shotgun. “I just don’t why… Nevermind, I’m here anyways, I don’t have anything I can do.”

     Haruya grinned at this, “Good to know that my brother still have sense left in his head.”

    “And you’re still a dumbass…”

   “I heard that.”

   I gave him a sarcastic smile, “Good. That’s what I’m aiming for.”

   He glared at me lightly, but gave me a small smile anyways. This is another the thing that I hate and like the most about him. Instead of being angry at me or something like that, he would just let it pass like it was nothing. North like I’m complaining or anything, but at times, it’s just kind of frustrating how he kept his patience in check when it comes to me. Of course I want to piss him off at times and his patience is not helping.

  Haruya turned to me, his onyx eyes twinkling under the warm light of the car. He nudged my side with a grin then asked, “Are you ready for this?” I just sighed. I’m ready to never go to that town and stay here, but I did  not say that. Haruya took my silence as a yes and then tapped the wheel excitedly. “Okay, then. Here we go.”

    A part of me wanted to get out of the car then and there, and let Haruya do whatever he want besides taking  me somewhere I have no idea about. I’ve oy been in this count for one year, and I know nothing about their culture or whatever. That’s why the only place where I feel comfortable is inside my room, and now my brother is going to take me somewhere, far outside the comfort I knew.

     Then, a snap, like a lever being pulled, a button that was pressed, a thread that snapped—my anxieties started to kick in, the feeling of something I could not explain. Panic and fear. I hated it immediately, hated myself immediately. Why would something like this happen in such a time? What if something happens to us while we’re out there? What if things go horrible? What if we could not come back anymore?

     I gripped the edge of my seat, unable to focus on something, despite the doctor’s advice. The lights blurred around me, the sunlight passing on the side of my window, caressing my cheek. I could not hear  anything besides the song on the radio, the broadcaster politely greeting us a good morning. I want to hear something beside that, a sound outside of the windows, to convince myself that I’m not trapped inside, that I will be able to breath properly.

    I felt myself freeze on my seat, and I know that I’m wearing my poker face again, not making any sounds and not moving anything. If Haruya finds out that I’m being like a freak again, it will be a problem. A big one. He won’t be able to enjoy this thing like he did, and that will disappoint him, sadden him. I don’t want that. I don’t want that. Despite the fact that he’s my brother and that’s irritating, I could not let him know about my situation. He’s been carrying too much weight on his shoulders, I refuse to add on that.

     “Asahi,” I heard Haruya call me, but it was damp in my ear, like he’s inside a bubble.

    “Yeah, what?” My voice sounds different in my own ears, but it was enough to fool anyone. I must have gulped a thousand times before I could say those two simple words, must have took a silent mouthful of  air to fill my lungs.

    “You look difficult.”

    “Wouldn’t you like me to know?”

    I heard him laugh at this as he tap at the back of my head a little too hard, of course, on purpose. He did not notice the tightness in my voice, or the panic that I could almost imagine in my eyes. That’s a good thing, and all I have to do is stay here and let the feelings of panic pass, the searing fire at the back of my brain. Usually, it takes me longer to make it pass, minutes that feels like hours. Hours of me feeling completely unsafe, thinking about things that’s not even possible, but when I’m in that state, everything seems to be so possible, so true.

     “You don’t look alright, Asahi,” I heard Haruya mention. “Do you—”

     “No. No, I’m fine.” I felt like I’m gonna choke on my own words. “Probably the side-effect of having nothing but… but–”

     I felt the car stop immediately, and before I know it, Haruya’s all over me, shaking my shoulders. I can almost  imagine the bewilderment in his eyes. “Are you becoming like that again? Why didn’t you tell me? Asahi…”

    I couldn’t hear the rest of his words, or his voice, the only present thing is the horrible, searing pain in my head until it buzzes. I wanted to shout at Haruya, to tell him to get off his stupid face at me, but I couldn’t. My throat ached, and I felt myself gag over nothing. It was clouded by the small buzzes in my head, and I could not move anything, not even my eyes, in those short seconds.

    I repeated three words mentally, the same words that we she told me whenever something happens. But it was not enough, not enough to keep me from myself. In the red, I can see Haruya shouting at me, shaking me, trying to get me to snap from whatever that is happening to me. But he couldn’t. No one can.

  When I opened my eyes, I was greeted by the sounds outside of our car, and the soft song that’s playing on the radio. I can hear Haruya talking to someone in the background, his voice a dampened by my lack of senses and grogginess. I turned my head sideways to see what was it like outside. I fought back a disappointed sigh the moment I saw that the Sun is up, bright and radiant, just like how I despise it. The skies are clear, and everything under it looked so colorful, full of life. Never once I was a fan of this kind of day, I hate it, to be honest. It is the kind of day where everyone will leave their houses to go somewhere instead of doing the opposite.  

   I looked away from the car window on my side, in hopes of repressing the growing disappointment inside me, then looked at Haruya. It looks like he did not even notice that I was awake. And just like what I thought earlier, he was really talking to someone over the phone. He kept nodding with a smile on his face, but it did not quite reach his eyes.

     That’s when I heard a vaguely familiar voice. My stomach turned. Haruya’s talking to our mother. Her voice did not change, not really, it just grew a little husky and tired over the phone. I bit the insides of my mouth. She was checking on us—no, on Haruya. The tone of her voice sounded so different the last time I heard her.

     “Okasan, I’m fine, I told you,” Haruya said politely. “Yeah, I’m on my way… I’m going to be fine, please don’t worry. Yes, of course I’ll be careful. Okay, bye.” 

    He dropped his phone on the head board, an exhausted look on his face. And that, people, is the look that one gets whenever they try talking to my mother. It’s actually a miracle that Haruya did not end up dead after that phone call, but then again, he lived under the same roof with my mother for the last ten years. That’s pretty insane. And the fact that he did not attempt to kill  himself at all while being with our mother was almost impossible. I will never have the same respect, politeness and patience as  my dear brother here. My mother and I can sit with each other in silence forever and she’d still manage to irritate me. Or I, to her.

     Not really in good terms, as you all can see. 

    “You didn’t tell me she’s only expecting you,” I said groggily, running my hands on my dark hair while staring at the road in front of us. For some reason, my whole body ached. It was never like this whenever I fall asleep on one of our small couches back in the apartment.

     Haruya laughed. “How can you say that?” 

    “How can I not?”

     It took Haru a moment to say something, but he relented. “True? I guess.” He said, and I can tell that he just wants to drop this topic. He glanced at me, his eyes seemingly to grow darker. “By the way, Asahi, about what happened earlier…”

     I winced. “Please spare me the speech, the scolding and the obvious things that you’re going to tell me like take my medicine daily when I am.” I immediately said. The last thing I want to happen  in this day was Haruya to talk about  my situation. He and I are not comfortable about that, and if we did talk about it, we’re going to end up dead. “I’m fine. This car just stinks so much that my body hated me for letting myself in here. Vengeance, remember?” 

  Haruya frowned. “You always try to avoid conversations about this, and the ending will be me, nearly shocking myself to death whenever I see you in that state.  I told you to tell me these kind of things, keeping them to yourself won’t do any of us good.”

     “You know that’s not true. You saw how my inner ninja skills saved both of us,” I shrugged. “Besides, I told you I’m fine. Earlier was just a little accident that rarely even happens. Something just triggered me.”

     “What did, then?” He asked seriously.

    His lips are set in a hard and straight line. It was so odd seeing him like this, all serious and… Just serious. Whenever someone mentions my brother, probably everyone thinks about is grin and smiles and the sun. Being serious is so unlike him, but I always knew he was like this underneath all that cheerful, radiant and confident persona. I know that it’s just one of the masks he wears, that confident and perfect boy, because it’s what our parents expected from us, and unlike me, he took everything seriously. He wanted to please them, and now he’s stuck in that Golden Boy limbo.

     “This entire trip,” I said jokingly, but he did not share the same vibe I forced out of myself. He just stared at me, like I’m some kind of a thing he finds unbelievable, then shook his head lightly, returning his dark onyx eyes on the road. “You’re taking this way too serious than me.”

     He did not say anything and continued to glare at the road. This sets me off in the silent side of the trip, of course. It was always Haruya who started and kept the our conversations going ever since. He’s the social one, after all. The one that’s confident enough to make new friends with just three words or a smile, to lead and all that. You know, usual boring stuffs. And I’m his opposite. I’m happy in the sidelines, comfortable and kind of safe. In that way, I can trouble no one and no one can trouble me, unlike Haruya who likes being involved in almost everything. I suppose that’s just how it is for him, ever since we were kids.

    I sighed, then dropped everything about what happened earlier. If he does not start talking, neither will I. It’s always been like that.  

   “You’re being careless. Too careless, Asahi,” He finally said. He let out an audible sigh. “What will okasan say when she finds out about this? That you’re not… you’re not fine.”

    “She won’t.” I answered. “I have you to cover for me.” 

   He glared at me. “You expect me to act like this didn’t happen at all? Are you kidding me? You’re becoming worse day by day, and you expect me to—” He sighed, suddenly exhausted. “No, okay? The last thing I’ll do is to act like you’re not nearing death every single day.”

    “No one’s dying.”

    “You are.”

    “It’s starting to sound like you really want me to die, Haru. Not gonna say I’m touched about that.”  

  He did not say anything, or he can’t say anything. Whatever it is, I’m glad that his silence made the topic to drop. The truth is, I don’t know what’s happening to me either. The doctors said it’s just like your usual and all peachy panic and anxiety attacks, so I guess I’m not really going to die. Haruya’s just being exaggerated as usual. Not that I can blame him, though, he’s always been like that.

    “I’ll tell okasan,” He suddenly said, making me almost choke over nothing. He did not mind me. “She deserves to know.”

   “I swear to god, Haruya,” I warned. “You wouldn’t want to do that. I don’t want to... Just don’t. Besides, she wouldn’t care, you know that. The only thing she’ll do is to scold me to death and bad mouth me, blame me and all that. There’ll be no point.”

  “She’s still our mom,” Haruya murmured under his breath, turning to an underpass. “She deserves to know.” He repeated.

    “She doesn’t.” I snapped. “She doesn’t have to know anything about me. Sure, if you want to tell her your life story, do it. Just don’t get me involved with it.”

   “Asahi,” Haruya sighed, then shook his head. “You can’t just be mad forever. She’s changing, okay? Uncle Kenji has been telling me that. She’s better.”

    “I’m not mad,” I defended. “And she’s not better. She never will be. You know exactly why I followed you here in Tokyo, and now you’re going to do that? That’s a low blow, Haru.”

    “Well, I didn’t ask you to follow me here,” He retorted, and I can tell that he’s slowly losing his patience, too. “No one told you to run away from home, and yet you did. If you stayed in Belfast for a little while, I never would have—” He shook his head as he let out a low grumble. “Don’t argue with me on this. She’s our mother.”

    I stopped myself before I can say something that I will regret later. I let out a gruff sigh, then sank in my seat. I looked outside the window, calming myself, then mumbled. “You know she won’t care.” Hell, I’ve been living with her for the past ten years, and she did not even notice the changes in me.

    He did not say anything, and I’m almost thankful. We both know the difference of how our mother—Elaine—treats the both of us, so saying something that’s out of his experience won’t really help that much. I never really had any idea why she and okasan (as Haruya would call our mother) gets along so well despite being away from each other almost half of their lives. Not like I care, though. To be honest, maybe it’s really just because of myself. How can I expect mother to know that my panic attacks are getting worse when I’ve never really been anywhere in Ireland besides my room? Our father, on the other hand, I never really had any significant connection with him.

    “You should give her a chance,” Haruya mumbled in a gentle tone. “After all, it has been a year since you left Ireland. I’m sure she learned some of her lessons.”

    I didn’t say anything, telling myself that there’ll  be no point of talking to Haruya when it comes to our mother. After all, he does not know anything, not really. I just sighed as a reply, then left it at that. Haruya seems satisfied enough, for he let himself relax, turned up the radio and started to jam with it quietly, as if he’s trying to erase the memory of what happened just a few minutes ago. Just like he always did. Haruya hated leaving things like they are, and he’d do almost everything to change it. It irritates and relieves me in the same time.

    After for what seemed like an hour, we reached out first ‘stop’ as Haruya called it. I don’t find the need to stopping to Seven-Eleven when we got everything we need in the backseat, but Haruya insisted.

    “You’re really just gonna waste our money, Haru,” I said. He rolled his eyes at me. “We literally have our food in the backseat. Why in the world do we even need to stop and prolong this trip?”

    “Who knows if Okayama doesn’t have the hotdogs that I want?” He retorted, and I swear to God, he sounded like a child. “I don’t wanna be stuck there with nothing but your junk foods and sodas.”

    “At least I keep it flavorful unlike your sick taste for cup noodle— Hold on, hold on,” I stopped for a second then blinked at him. What in the world did he just say? “Okayama?”

    Haruya nodded, seemingly ignorant. “What? Thought you’re in uninterested?” He shrugged. “Don’t make it a big deal. It’s literally just six hours away. Or seven. I don’t know.”

    “Yes, I am aware, but what in the world are we going to do in Okayama? Are you sure mom told you to go—” I stopped myself, finding it very pointless to even ask questions at this point. “Whatever, it’s not like I can get myself out of this drag. In the middle of the summer. I am here with you, to Okayama, to waste my life away in a less comfortable way. This is not making me puke at all.”

    Haruya rolled his onyx eyes. “You’re being dramatic. Surprising. But try to be a little considerate, can you? You literally haven’t been Okayama before, and so did I, so what’s wrong about looking forward to it?” He fixed his white jacket, turning off the car. “I can’t imagine how boring your life has been, Asahi.”

    “You have no idea,” I mumbled under my breath.

    “Thankfully! I’m here to make you live a little. Let’s start with getting out of your seat and come with me inside Seven-Eleven.”

    “I don’t get it? That will depress me.”

    “Are you even my brother?”

    “Hah. Been thinking the same thing,” I faked the shock look on my face as I turn to him. “Maybe you’re adopted?”

   He actually laughed at this, when I’m actually wondering about it.“I doubt that, little brother. If there’s someone adopted between the two of us, it would be you. Never saw otousan and okasan shut themselves up in their room.”

  “That’s because you’re so busy pleasing them when we’re still kids that you didn’t stay up at night to see them do that.” I shrugged. “Guess who’s not living their life?”

   “Kami... God, no. That’s disgusting!” He exclaimed, but he was chuckling. “Why the hell did you tell me that? Do you realize how gross is that? And did you just call snooping on our parents late in the night as living?”

    “Yes and yes. Still not going with you inside the store, though. I want to sleep a little more in here.”

    “You realize you can suffocate, right?”

   “Yes, please. Feed me good news.”

   “I can’t believe you’re actually my brother. How in the world does that even work?” He asked himself, like I’ll actually care about whatever he’s saying. “I literally thought that you’d be the more approachable and sociable one because you lived in Ireland.”

  “That doesn’t make sense.”

   “I mean...” Haruya trailed off and I can picture him running his hands on his hair and making this I-am-so-stupid-I-need-to-think-for-a-second look that actually suits him because it’s kind of true. “I guess you just don’t know how controlling otosan can be. He doesn’t let me do things my way for half of my life, got curfews and schedules and all that. Maybe that’s why I always thought of following you and okasan to Europe for almost fifteen years.”

    I slowly turned to him again, not knowing what to act or say exactly. I mean, I’m pretty aware of how the things go in an Asian family, or in just our family, to be honest, but I always thought that Haruya was perfect with all this I want to become perfect set-up. “Why didn’t you?”

    Haruya shrugged, a small grin on his face. “I can’t.”

    “Why the hell not?”

    He laughed lowly. “I just can’t. Can’t leave otosan or anyone back in Hokkaido, to be honest. I just want to get away from them sometimes, but, well, you know how this goes. Pride of our family, responsibilities. You know, elder sibling duties.” He scratched the side of his jaw, as if releasing some tension. “It’s fine now, though.

    It took me several moments to say something. He’s right, though. There was nothing we could do, so I copied his movements and shrugged. “I mean, sure. You eat cup noodles everyday. That’s saying something.”

    “Can you please move on with me and my noodles? That’s rude. I just can’t find a perfect ramen shop in Tokyo. I miss everything in Hokkaido,” He sod wistfully, and I can tell that he means it. Maybe despite the pressure that our father gave him, he’s actually been attached to all of it. Which is weird because I don’t even want to go back in Belfast despite all the thing that happened to me. “Whatever, though, guess I’m just stuck here with you with nothing but cup noodles. This is better than I thought, actually.”

    I looked at him incredulously. “How dare you?”

    Haruya laughed then patted my back three times, with force that can kill a cow, then said, “I’m just saying, I’m glad you followed me here. Can’t imagine being alone in Tokyo without anyone I know.”

    “Isn’t that the exact thought of running away? To go somewhere without anyone that knows you?” I shook my head. “You’re surprising me with this stupidity, Haru.”

    He groaned at me, “It’s not like we actually know each other,” He retorted. “Gods, we’ve been apart for almost our whole lives. You’re more like an unwanted guest, to be honest. Unwanted but kind of necessary.”

    “Thanks,” I mouthed.

    “Well, it’s literally either you or Rina,” Haruya frowned like the word Rina left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. Or he remembered something. I remembered the name Rina, back when we were kids. “Do you remember her?”

    “Yeah, sure,” I answered dismissively. “Can’t remember her face anymore, though.” I scrunched my forehead, trying to dig inside my mind. I can’t remember anyone that I met back in Hokkaido, when mother and I still come to visit.

    “When I told her that I’m going here, in Tokyo, she said she wanted to go with me, not in that way. Said she’ll let herself get lost in the crowd and never come back to Hokkaido again. Of course, I didn’t let her. I said that we’ll both get in trouble if ever. Plus, it’s not like I’m running away from Hokkaido. That was her.” Haruya said, sighing. “I don’t get it, though? Her life’s great in Hokkaido.”

    “You should stop assuming that everyone’s life is great, Haru.” I shrugged when he gave me a quizzical look. “It’s obvious that she needed it. Whatever, I guess she still left Hokkaido after you refused to—”

    “No, she’s still in Hokkaido.” Haruya interjected.

    I chuckled. “Wow. You’re a dumbass.”

    “What? I just can’t let her get in trouble, you know that. We’ve been friends for almost our whole life, and I don’t want to be the reason if something happens to her.” Haruya defended, but his face was troubled. “I just can’t.”

    I didn’t say anything after that, because I really don’t know what to say. I don’t get it. I don’t get why Haruya would think that he would be the reason why if ever something happens to Rina. Whatever happens to her, it would be her fault, the consequences of her own actions, not his. I turned away from Haruya, not really thrilled to hear more anymore. There was nothing he can do besides getting consumed by his conscience slowly the moment that he realizes what he just did to Rina. Or whatever.

    But of course, despite the very actions I did for him to get the idea that I wanted to drop the topic, Haruya pushed further. He may be the one that’s well-liked by the others, the bright and the optimistic one, he’s really dense, especially when it comes to this. He doesn’t realize the consequences of his actions, as long as he assumes it’s for the good.

    “You think what I did was wrong, don’t you?” Haruya asked, and I glanced at him. “You think leaving her in Hokkaido was bad thing.”

    “Wrong?” I emphasized. “What? No. I just don’t get it. Rina has her free will, whatever she wants to do, wether she leaves or not, you have no say about it. You don’t have the right to refuse her in the first place or the opposite. So how in the world would I think you did something wrong?” I questioned, and all he replied was a frown and a confused look. Of course he doesn’t get it.

    Haruya shrugged, “Oh, well, whatever... It’s not like she’s going to hate me the moment I show my face in Hokkaido after this summer.”

    “Wait, what?” This time, I couldn’t help myself. “You’re going back to Hokkaido? Right after this summer? As in, after our trip to Okayama?”

    “That’s what I said,” He answered shortly, and his tone told me that he did not want to stay and talk longer anymore. As he was about to leave the car, he turned to me again, “You coming or not? This is our first and last stop.”

   I groaned, shaking off the questions inside my head the moment I heard that he’s going to go back in Hokkaido. If he did, it’s either he lets me to do whatever I want with his apartment in Tokyo or I will go back to Belfast, breathing the same air as my mother once again. I waved my hand in a dismissive manner, staring at the cars that’s parked in front of us. I find it kind of odd to see the streets kind of empty early in the morning. Unlike in Belfast, the Sun is not even up, you’ll hear people’s footsteps and their vehicles speeding by your place.

    “Fine, whatever,” Haruya mumbled under his breath and finally left the car. He was shaking his head when he did.

    I sighed, picking up my phone to look if there’s some things that I missed the whole two hours of boredom I experienced because of Haruya. He kept telling me to put my phone down and just enjoy the view outside. Who even enjoys the view outside? It’s the outside. It’s not supposed to be enjoyable. That’s the most ridiculous thing he told me up until now, to be honest.

    A sudden ping from my phone brought me back to reality and out of my ranting head. I squinted my eyes at it, checking if someone actually messaged me or am I just hallucinating. See, my phone’s sole purpose is to save me from boredom, and that’s by making me play games and music, not because of messages. No one in my entire life someone will have the guts to message me, and it would be impossible because of the fact I don’t give my number to anyone at all, even Haruya. In short, it’s useless.

    I groaned, not exactly what to feel because of this. Maybe it’s just a wrong number, or something, probably those kind of generic pranks that is weirdly popular these days. I checked outside, spotting Haruya standing in front of the convenience store’s  counter, holding his wallet and smiling and grinning at the person in front of him.

    “Whatever...” I mumbled under my breath and tapped the message. I was just curious and I couldn’t help it. My mind immediately pictured the worst case scenario that might happen out of this small act. It’s either someone’s got my number in purpose in order to get some money from me by scamming and all that, or it’s a message of a person having a weird conversation with whoever they’re supposed to send the message to.

    But, the message is nothing amongst any of that. It’s just a simple message, consisted of three words.

    “Are you there?”