Hi, I'm Jinnie, and this is my complicated life. My mother is a alcoholic and abuses me. My father is a gambler. They always told me "It was a mistake to give birth to me. You're such a mistake. Why did we agree to give birth to you? We should have just aborted you."

I always thought I was worthless and no use. My life is not all sadness though. I have friends who made me laugh. One of them is my childhood best friend, Paige. She was there for me whenever I was sad.

I had some other kindergarten friends, one of them was my male best friend called Gray. One of them was my female best friend called Kaylee. They never knew much about my life but thought I was always cheerful. They always liked to play with me but had to move to another country soon after due to thier parents' work.

I normally fake a smile whenever I'm sad. The only people I open up to are my best friends whom I'm comfortable with.

I never thought much about it because I thought others suffer the same as me. But now that I think of it, I think the opposite. It's so complicated because I want to end my life for the people who hates me but also want to live for the people I cherish. I want everyone to live happily but can never think about how it is possible due to the hate and love I get.

I lost quite alot of people in my life. But also gained a lot of friends who cared. But I normally thought that every bad thing will happen to me.

I always say this "I must stay positive, for the people I care for. And for those i don't, I'll just ignore them." But every time I say that, I realise how wrong I can be, because all the hate are because of my looks, because of my silence. I felt like I was never loved by others, other than my real best friends.

I hated myself, but I also want to love myself, which sometimes I do. You may tell me "Don't you're still young. There is still many things that will get better. Just love what you have now." or you may say "There are other worse senarios that could happen. This is not the worse. You could have lost something worse." Yes, I agree with that but, everyone's life is different. You have felt a different life. I have a different life. I feel that my life is more complicated than normal lives. That's normal, right? I hope it is.

I never thought my life would be any worse but it did. I will slowly explain in the episodes slowly. These are just a little of my life's complications. Read on to know more. Feel free to leave any comments about my life.

\~Message from the author

Hi, I'm Jinnie. I was born on 05 November 2005. When I was a baby, my parents agreed to leave me in a orphanage and leave me alone there. But at first the other family members said not to. But now they all want to do so.

As a one year old, other than food, I need love. But no Family member wanted to give me love. Meaning, I was left alone. That's why, I always wanted a brother. But they already hated me so why would they want another kid?

When I'm two, my family didn't like me still as per normal. I was sad and gave up asking for love. My first word was love. I never felt love yet. My parents brought me to China to visit my grandparents. There I saw a uncle which I was very close to. I was there for 3 years. The uncle I met became my God Father. He loved me and pampered me. For the first time, I felt being loved someone whom I cared for.

Life was still so painful, my mom got more aggressive and loved to drink and smoke. Whenever she is drunk, she holds this painful grudge against me. She hates me so much, she always beats me out of anger. Even though I did nothing, she will always find ways and excuses to beat me up. It hurts Alot.

When I was three, my grandparents reluctantly took me in for a few years. They hated me but I couldn't do anything. I went to the kindergarten there. They think that beating kids are an okay thing to do so they always continue. By that time I was used to that thinking where parents have no wrongs to beat the kids up. I thought It was only for my own good.

As my knowledge was not much, I grew up with that same painful mind set. My life was not really the best but my best friends, Gray and Kaylee, were the best.

When I was four, Gray and Kaylee left due to their family's work life. Gray had to move to London for the change of the location of his parent's company. Kaylee left to Canada due to her parents want to work there due to the good profit of cash they earn.

I was lonely after they left. I never wanted to go to school because of the bully there. Gray and Kaylee was no longer there for me. It always was sad. I missed their jokes, their company and their presence. Soon I made a new friend as she was new, Shakina, she is a malay race. She was my first malay friend, but I was happy with her. She stayed by my side when I felt sad.

When I was five years old, I was a happy child, although I was quite dumb. "What is 1 + 1? Kids?" I raised my hand and said "20!" Everyone laughed as they all said 3. The teacher then said " Noooo, it's 2!" Then I was picked on for being too stupid.

~To Be Continued~

Message from author ~Hey guyssss, so sorry for taking so long for the next story, I am pretty busy and I will try my best to be consistent! I love everyone take you for all your support! See you guys next time! ~

The start of six years old, I went to a primary school, called Saint Primary School. I already hated myself. My mother's abuse was worser. My scolds from my parents were horrible.

I couldn't help myself but to believe them. I felt worthless, stupid, crazy, unlucky and many more. I hated every single thing of myself. People called me that too because I don't talk and was pretty much a introvert. But when I really had friends, I opened up a lot. But afterwards find out it is fake.

After a while, I stopped making friends with others because I didn't believe in true friendship any longer.

When I was seven years old, there was a new addition to my class. Instead on going to other people like the others, she came to me. For a while, I thought she was going to pick on me. But she said "Hey! I'm Paige! Wanna be friends?"

I couldn't believe what I heard. I was shocked. So I agreed to be her friend. She is really kind. We laughed. She made me laugh and felt safe around her. I really thought I could trust her. And she is really just the best person I could ever ask for as a friend. I appreciated her so much. She smiled no matter the reason. Her smile was quite contagious, everytime I see her smile, I start smiling.

If only it also worked on my parents, my parents hated paige, never once when they saw Paige did they ever say "Good to meet you", they always told Paige to stop being my friend. Why? Because they wanted me to be lonely, they dont want her to be involved in my life, they insisted on getting rid of her in my life. But she always rejects the "invitations".

She chose to stay my best friend, despite getting bullied, persuasion. After a while, I questioned her "Why? Why be my friend? You are suffering when you are my friend." She looked at me, concerned. She opened her mouth and said "Because I know you have a huge heart that nobody else has. You are selfless,always puttings others in priority instead of yourself, you put yourself in other's shoes. You are amazing. I like that fact. I don't care what others say about you or your family. I know you are suffering. And I care for you. Know this, I know I rather be your friend more than anything because you are the best. You have that value in you. And that's why I like you so much, to become your best friend was the most luckiest thing that has ever happened."

I was shocked but I was happy. I whispered " Thank you, best friend."

~To Be Continued~

Message from author

~Hello my loyal and fellow dear readers, I just wanted to say thank you for the support. I have just realised the chapter 2's title was written as episode 2. I apologise for that. Thank you for everything. I will try my best to post the next chapter as soon as possible. I am sorry as I have studies. Thank you everyone. I love you guys.~

Love,

Coco