I've always been a chubby girl even before I entered high school. And as a result of that I was always bullied at school.

  Bullied and insulted by girls.

  Pranked and laughed at by boys who were obviously disgusted by me

  Even my parents were no different. They'd insult me every time, comparing me to others, asking why I'm as fat as a pig.

    Some times I'd starved myself for days but no one would care. They would only see me and comment on how fat and big I am.

    Even aunts and uncles when they see me they always have something to say. They'd always tell me to quit junk food and quit eating a lot. They'd tell me to exercise more and not sleep on the bed all the time.

   How do I tell them I was already doing that? How do I say anything when I'm still fat as I've always been.

    So I always just smile as a response.

    Even while they insult me even while they body shame me I'm always smiling.

    Smiling while I'm crying inside

    Smiling while I'm dying inside

   Smiling while I feel like killing my self most time

    I'm always smiling

I always tell myself " Amanda smile , you don't have to show them you're suffering, you don't have to bother anyone with your problems, just smile "

    You might think I’m just an overreacting teenager. “Oh she’s just bitching, trying to get attention “

But that’s the one thing I hate

Attention

That’s why I always have to blend in the crowd

Why I always try to make myself as small as possible but that’s difficult cause guess what? I’m a fat ugly pig.

Yes that’s what I am

That’s what I’m always saying to myself

So when others insult me I don’t retort. I just keep quiet and smile. Cause no matter how hurtful those words are they are also the truth

And that's me , the always smiling girl.

  I'm also someone that has a very over active intrusive thoughts. I might be seated and see a child running around and one part of me would want to put out my foot and watch the child trip and fall while crying loudly. Those thoughts brought smiles to my face, genuine smiles, not the fake ones.

   But my friends always made me feel bad about myself too. They tell me those type of thoughts made me a bad person. Made me a monster. Why would the only thing that made me happy also make me a monster. Why ? Couldn't I be normal ?

    So from that day I stopped having intrusive thoughts. Anytime I had them I shook them off and tried to calm myself down.

    I wanted to be normal.

    I wanted to be liked.

   I had to act like a normal person.

    But all that changed one day. 

    Something happened and it made me feel very excited. Made me felt like I had purpose.

    And guess what ?......

   It gave me the biggest smile ever.

    "People say mornings bring joy and peace, but to me , mornings are all about headaches and troubles"

Amanda got to school early today, she had an assignment due but she didn't do it yet , her only chance was to get to school early and do them before the teacher asked for it. Luckily for her no one was in the classroom when she arrived, she always liked it when she was alone, no one would criticize her then.

She set her bag down and and and brought out her book to start the assignment and that was when the one person she hated the most came in

So much for wanting to be alone

Mike swaggered into the classroom and when his eyes laid on Amanda a wide grin spread across his face , he had just been asked by a teacher to sweep the leaves on the floor and take them to the refuse site in the school and burn them.

He didn't want to do such a stressful job so early in the morning but he had no choice as it was an order from the teacher. But who knew luck would shine on him as he saw the perfect person to do it for him.

" Hello big show" he said walking towards Amanda

Big show is the name of a fat wrestler. That was my nickname

Amanda ignored him. She really wanted to finish the assignment before the teacher came. But Mike of course couldn't see that

" Didn't you hear me calling you " Mike said angrily as he shoved her head forward with his hand making her head to almost hit the table.

Amanda stopped writing and closed her eyes,trying to take a deep breath.

"I'm doing something now Mike can't you bother me later ?" She said looking at him. But he scoffed.

"Come with me , you have something to do " He said

"I'm busy " Amanda replied and continued writing but Mike picked up her books and threw them away to the front of the class then he pulled her shirt by the neck , trying to drag her up

" Get up and come help me , I won't repeat myself " He said

Amanda glared at him for a while but she still stood up and went with him. She had no choice. She had to do it , else when his friends came they would all gang up on her and no one would help her , even her so called friends.

They both went outside where Mike had already filled three sacks with leaves before going to class.

" Take those sacks and go burn them in the refuse site. When you're done you come back and tell me " then he turned to go but he suddenly turned back " You know what ... I don't trust you. I'll go with you and watch you do it" he said and folded his arms watching her.

She took a deep breath and struggled with the three sacks, he could have helped with one but he didn't ,he just watched her struggle with it.

The refuse site was in the school compound but it was far from the buildings. Amanda had to walked there with the three sacks while Mike followed her , shouting at her occasionally to walk faster.

They eventually got to the site and while Amanda set down the sacks Mike went and brought a jerrycan filled with gasoline and a box of match sticks.

He looked at the sweating Amanda and a grin swept across his face

"Would your fat burn off if I set you on fire ?"He said with a mocking smile

Amanda trembled slightly

He wouldn't do it ,right?

Mike saw her expression and scoffed loudly " I won't want to go to prison for a fat pig like you " he said going towards the refuse site to pour the gasoline on it and set the trash on fire.

Hearing his words Amanda eyes turned cold.

How could a person be this mean?

He forced her off her assignment, made her suffer by carrying three sacks full of thrash across a long distance,threatened to burn her and now he was saying this ?

If her friends called her a monster then what was he ?

Did such a wicked person deserve to live?

Watching him pour the gasoline Amanda head was full of thoughts.

Then suddenly she had a thought ......an intrusive thought.And it made her smile.

..."Am I the only one who thinks flames are pretty? "...

Amanda stared at the place where Mike got the jerrycan and she saw another one filled to the brim with gasoline, she went towards it and picked it up, then she walked back to Mike who was still pouring gasoline over the thrash. He kept on showering her with insults as he didn’t even bother to look at her.

“ you’re so disgusting and ugly. I wonder how you got to be so fat. If I had a sister like you I’d advise her to kill herself “ he spat on. He really was a monster Amanda thought

“Being your sister is enough to make a girl want to kill herself. “ Amanda muttered under her breath

Mike was still busy pouring the gasoline all over the trash he was having fun splashing it around, Amanda stared at him and chuckled. This was nice.

She walked towards him trying to be as quiet as possible. When she got behind him Mike suddenly turned and was surprised to see Amanda standing right behind him.

"What.....?" He couldn't complete his sentence as Amanda suddenly kicked him in the chest and he tumbled over to the thrash.

"What are you doing?" He screamed trying to stand up but couldn't because he was almost buried by the thrash that was all around him.

"Would your attitude burn off if I set you on fire?" She asked with a huge smile on her face. Her face looked scary.

"What the fuck are you talking about? Help me out of here this instant " he screamed flailing his arms around.

"No matter how much you scream no one can hear you " Amanda replied calmly picking up the match box that had fallen off Mike's hand when Amanda kicked him.

"I swear I'll kill you, "Mike swore " You stupid fat pig"

But Amanda only chuckled ,playing with the match sticks in her hand

"You don't seem to get it do you ?" Then she struck the match stick on the box and it lit up with flames "Goodbye Mike, I hope you rot in hell" she muttered and threw the lit up match stick towards him and he lit up in flames.

The flames were pretty and seeing  Mike flailing around screaming in the flames made her feel something she had never felt before. Excitement. Tremor. Satisfaction.

The scene unfolded with a feeling of fascination. The flames danced, casting a mesmerizing glow, while Mike's desperate struggles added a layer of exhilaration to the moment.

The fire crackled, its rhythmic sound weaving a spell that was both captivating and unnerving.

Mike's cries for help grew fainter, his movements becoming more erratic as the flames consumed him.

The excitement Amanda felt was a jarring contrast to the horror of the situation.

After sometime the screaming stopped, Mike's charred body were lying there surrounded by burnt thrash.

Amanda stared at him for a while then with a smile ,she turned around, tossed the match box away and left.