(Senri's POV)

Every time I go out to feed the loneliness I have inside of me, I feel that the world that I see is in constant hunger that all the food I have found for myself, I have been giving to her.

I do not know how I started thinking this way. Even now I still wonder.

The busy streets I am always shown of as I glanced outside the window in the middle of the day becomes dead when the evening comes in and the silence takes over the world.

It feels empty.

And even if I am there, it still feels empty.

Maybe I was wrong to think that life travels a routine, that it is dull and boring but I cannot remember how long I have been in this cycle. I have slept in the day and have stayed up at night scribbling words as they flashed inside my head.

That may also be the reason why I see life this way. Still the universe in my head is only alive at night with her darkness that has chased my music away.

I no longer have cigarettes. I need to buy some. I traversed the long bridge. I like to think it has become familiar of my footsteps. The silence of the night painted beautiful colors of the universe inside my head — the one that I have been protecting from myself.

I reached a convenience store and got what I needed. I paid at the counter. I do not know what the crew looks like but the gender is female.

I cannot look people in the eyes. I can but I do not want to.

I am afraid of their eyes.

They tell tales, not about themselves, but about me.

And I think that is when I start not to care about what they say. The thought was a curse for me but I saw it as a gift. I thought it would bring me misfortune but it did not.

It did not bring me anything at all.

In fact, it began to take fragments of the things that I would never know but I pushed myself to believe in this thought.

For I am afraid... I am afraid that if I lose faith in this very thought, I may start to muster the courage to kill myself.

I stepped out the convenience store and began trailing back my steps. The bridge is beautiful. It is surrounded by the waters. The colors of the night that are reflected on it make the bridge more magical to walk on.

Or so I thought.

The universe inside my head begins to crumble as I see a man from afar trying to jump into the waters. He probably wanted to kill himself and I do not want to take part of it, let alone be a witness.

In any way.

I tried to act like I did not notice a thing but then, he already began to notice me that he got off the ledge. I can feel his eyes piercing through me. I can only look at his left wrist dripping with blood.

I wanted to laugh at his failure to end his misery for I have been there a lot of times.

I thought a meter away from him is a safe distance.

“Do you really want to die?”

I asked as I slowly moved my eyes up and looked at his lips.

“Why do you care?” He asked back.

“I don’t. I would prefer it though that you don’t do anything until I disappear from your sight.” I responded casually.

He took out a piece of cloth from his pocket. He began stopping his own bleeding.

I narrowed my eyes to see it clearly. Was that a woman's handkerchief or a woman's white panty?

Well, not that it matters to me. I am sure this encounter would also be the last. I resumed walking then. My cave is calling me. Rather, I am calling out to her so badly.

“Where do you think you are going?” He asked.

I did not respond and continued to walk. He halted me by holding my arm.

“What in the world are you? You asked me if I really wanna die like you actually give a **** and then you walked away like you never see a thing.”

I don’t understand what he was trying to get from me by saying them.

“So what are you actually trying to do? Stop stalling time to actually gather the courage to kill yourself. Just get this over with.”

I removed his hand from my arm and left.

Coward. That is what I think he is. I am not in the position to tell him that. I am a bigger coward. And I think that’s what sad about suicides that failed miserably. You become more afraid of it instead of having the courage to do it again. I may be wrong to think that but I am merely talking about myself.

I felt sorry for myself. I truly was. That is why maybe I cannot die. All the sins that I have committed, they cannot be cleansed by my death. They can only be washed away by my suffering. I wonder how long I can stand it, this tug of war with death.

I reached my cave and just as I am to open its door, a shadow loomed behind me. I turned back and saw the man.

“Yes?” I asked.

He didn’t answer. He simply walked past me and opened the door that I already unlocked. I tried to stop him but a woman like me is no match against a guy’s strength. I blocked his way and told him off.

“Do you have food?” He asked.

“I do.”

“First-aid kit?” He asked.

“I do.”

He picked me up and carried me over his shoulder to the living room. He looked around scrutinizing the place. He started helping himself in the kitchen. He started eating my food.

He was eating my food.

“What do you think you are doing?”

“Eating. It’s cold already.”

“That’s my food. Get out before I call the police.”

“I am going to cook your food after this to thank you for your hospitality. I will leave afterwards.” He continued eating.

I can only sigh from the mess I got into. I prepared my coffee and smoked this annoyance out of me.

(Kage's POV)

As I continue to eat the food that is not mine to savour, I gazed at her who I think is drugged in misery.

The smoke in the cigarette that she is holding is beautiful yet very ephemeral. She watched the smoke drifted away like her life slowly vanishing inside her. She held her pen and started scribbling in her notebook.

She stopped for a while. She wrote once more.

She went on like the waves of an ocean only she can see and hear The calm is in her pen, the chaos is her mind.

I finished eating her food. I looked inside the fridge, picked the ingredients I can use. I began cooking.

I glanced at her once more and I can clearly tell that she is lost in her own world. She is dancing inside her head. I wonder what music she is hearing amidst the silence that has covered the night. I wonder what life has done with her to be in this state. I wonder what she has done with her life.

What she said back then has kind of taken me aback. I do not have enough reasons to kill myself, let alone the courage to do it again. Actually, I think I really don’t have any reasons. Even if I have, they are just trivial things I have taken as problems and have used to blame the world. Maybe that is the reason. I have no problem. Everything is handed to me on a silver platter.

“Yo. Your food is ready.” I said.

She looked at what I had prepared. She began eating. She seemed to be enjoying the food. I sat across her and watched her.

She was not bothered when stared at. Even if she is eating, it feels that she is doing something else. It is the kind of sensation that I felt when she was smoking. It’s like there is a shell inside her that is waiting to be cracked at any given time but she denied its freedom. She, herself, is the prison. What storm is she brewing inside her, I wondered.

“Thank you for the food.” She said.

“Is it good?” I asked.

“Yeah.” She replied.

I asked for her name but she refused to speak another word. Someone who does not want to be involved with anyone, with anything. I thought she was that kind of person.

“I am Kage.” I began.

She ignored me again. She went back to her couch and started smoking. I followed and sat beside her.

“Leave now.”

“Not until you tell me your name.”

“Senri. Now you can leave.”

I went back to the kitchen to wash the dishes. When I glanced at her, she was in the same loop again. She is burning her lungs and scribbling on her notebook.

She is purging herself, that is what it looks to me.

She continued to ignore the fact that I am there. I sat beside her and watched her write once more.

“Are you a writer?”