Once and Always
Prologue 1
Mud squished beneath his booted feet as Kim Taehyung or Taeh as he usually referred himself turned, off the lane and pushed open the white wooden gate that opened into a front yard of a modest little house where he's living.
His cheeks were rosy and his eyes bright as he stopped to glance at the star lit sky, studying them with the unspoiled delight of an innocent fifteen-year-old boy at Christmas
Smiling, he hummed the last few bars of the Christmas carols he'd been singing all evening with the rest of his friends, then turned and went up the walk toward the darkened house.
Hoping not to awaken his parents or his younger brother, he opened the front door softly and slipped inside. He took off his jacket and hung it on a peg beside the door, then turned around and stopped in surprise. Moonlight poured through the window at the top of the stairway, illuminating his parents, who were standing just outside of his mother's bedroom.
His mother was struggling in his father embrace
Mrs Kim
I can't! I just can't!
Mr. Kim
Don't deny me, Jiwoon
Mr. Kim said, his voice raw with pleading.
Mr. Kim
For God’ sake, dont-
Mrs Kim burst out, trying frantically to pull free from his arms. He bent his head and kissed her, but she twisted her face away, her words jerking out like a sob.
Mrs Kim
You promised me on the day that Sunoo was born that you wouldn't ask me again. You gave me your word!.
Taeh, standing in stunned, bewildered horror, dimly realized that he had never seen his parents touched one another before - not in teasing, nor kindness - but he has no idea what his father was pleading with his mother not to deny him.
Mr Kim let go of his wife, his hand falling to his sides.
He said stonily. She fled into her room and closed the door, but instead of going to his own room, Taeh's father turned around and headed down the narrow stairs, passing within inches of Taeh when he reached the bottom.
Taeh flattened himself against the wall, feeling as if the security and peace of his world had been somehow threatened by what he had seen. Afraid that his father will notice him if he tried to move towards the stairs, and his dad would know that he had witnessed the humiliatingly intimate scene, he watched as his father sat down on the sofa and stared into the window. A bottle of liquor that had been on the kitchen shelf for years now stood on the table in front of him, beside a half-filled glass. When his father leaned forward and reached for the glass, Taeh turned and cautiously placed his foot on the first step.
Mr. Kim
I know you're there Tae
His father said tonelessly, without looking behind him.
Mr. Kim
There's little point in our pretending you didn't witness what just took place between your mother and me. Why don't you come here and seat with me? I'm not a brute you must think me.
Sympathy tightened Taeh's throat and he quickly went to sit beside him.
Taehyung
I don't think you are a brute, father. I could never think that.
The older man took a long swallow of the liquor in his glass.
Mr. Kim
Don't blame your mother either
He warned, his words slightly slurred as if he had been drinking since long before he arrived.
With the liquor impairing his judgement, he glanced at Tae's stricken face and assumed he had surmised more from the scene he'd witnessed that he actually had. Putting a comforting arm around his shoulders, he tried to ease his son's distress, but what he told the younger increased it a hundredfold
Mr. Kim
It isn't your mother's fault, and it isn't mine. She can't love me, and I can't stop loving her. It's as simple as that.
Taeh plunged abruptly from the secure haven of childhood into cold terrifying adult reality. His mouth dropped open and he stared at his father while the world seemed to fall apart around him. He shook his head, trying to deny the horrible thing his father had said. Of course his mother loved his wonderful father!
Mr. Kim
Love can't be forced into existence
Mr Kim said, confirming the awful truth as he stared bitterly into his glass
Mr. Kim
"It won't come simply because you will it to happen. If it did, your mother would love me. She believed she would learn to love me when we were wed. I believed it too. We wanted to believe it. Later, I tried to convince myself that it didn't matter whether she loved me or not. I told myself that marriage could still be good without it."
The next words ripped from his chest with an anguish that seared Tae's heart.
Mr. Kim
"I was a fool! Loving someone who doesn't love you is hell! Don't ever let anyone convince you that you can be happy with someone who doesn't love you."
Taeh whispered, blinking back his tears
Mr. Kim
"And don't ever love anyone more than they love you, Tae. Don't let yourself do it."
Unable to contain the pity and love exploding inside him, Taeh looked at him with tears spilling from his eyes and laid his smaller hand against his father's.
Taehyung
When I marry, I shall choose someone exactly like you.
His father smiled tenderly at that but made no reply. Instead he said
Mr. Kim
It hasn't been all bad, you know. you're mother and I have Sunoo and you to love, and that is love we share
Prologue 2
Dawn had barely touched the sky when Tae slipped out of the house, having spent a sleepless night staring at the ceiling above his bed. Clad in a thick red stripped jacket, he started with his morning walk.
A mile away, he came to a creek that ran alongside the main road leading to the village. He walked gingerly down the slippery bank and sat down on a flat boulder. With his elbows propped on his knees and his chin cupped in his palms, he stared at the gray water flowing slowly between near the bank.
The sky turned pink and then yellow as he sat there, trying to recover the joy he always felt in this place whenever he watched the dawning of a new day.
A pair of shiny brown boots appeared at his side.
Park Bogum
You're up early this morning
Bogum said, staring and grinning at the petite young man seated upon the rock. Taeh's raven black hair shimmering with the sun gentle caress. His nose was small and perfect, his cheeks delicately boned and blooming with health, and the center of his nose there's a mole
The promise of beauty was already molded into every line of feature of Tae's face, but it was obvious to any onlooker that his beauty was destined to be more exotic than fragile, more vivid than pristine, just as it was obvious that there was stubbornness in his small chin and laughter in his sparkling eyes. This morning, however, his eyes lacked the usual luster.
Park Bogum
Move over and let me sit down
Tae did so, and the newly arrived guy studied the younger one's sad expression with mild concern.
Park Bogum
What have you looking so grim?
Taeh was truly tempted to confide to him. At twenty, Bogum was five years his senior and wise beyond his age. His best friend, Park Bogum, was the only child of the village's wealthiest resident, a widow of seemingly delicate health who clung possessively to her only son at the same time that she relinquished to him all responsibility for the running of their huge mansion and a number of trade and business.
Putting his finger beneath Taeh's chin, Bogum tipped his face up
This second request was more than his heartsick emotions could withstand, Bogum was his friend. In the years they have known each other, the older guy has taught Tae how to fish, to swim, to shoot a pistol, and to cheat at cards – this last he claimed to be necessary, so the younger would know if he was being cheated. Tae has rewarded his effort by learning to outswim, outshoot, and outcheat him. They were friends, and he knew he could confide almost anything to him. He could not, however, bring himself to discuss his parents' marriage with him. Instead he brought up the other thing worrying him – his father's warning.
Taehyung
How can you tell if someone loves you? Truly loves you, I mean
Park Bogum
Who are you worried about loving you?
Taehyung
The person I'll marry
Had he been a little older, a little more worldly, he would have been able to interpret the tenderness that flared in Bogum brown eyes before he swiftly looked away.
Park Bogum
You'll be loved by the person you'll marry
Park Bogum
You can take my word for it
Taehyung
But that person must love me at least as much as I do
Park Bogum
'that' person will
Taehyung
Perhaps, but how will I know?
Bogum cast a sharp, searching look at his exquisite features.
Park Bogum
Has someone been pestering your parents for your hand?
He demanded almost angrily
Taehyung
of course not, hyung!
Taehyung
I'm a guy, and I'm only fifteen, and my father wants me to wait until I'm eighteen before pursuing anyone, I have to know my own mind, you see, when I'm on that stage.
Bogum look at the stubborn little chin and chuckled
Park Bogum
If knowing your own mind is all Dr. Kim is concerned about, he could let you wed tomorrow. You've known your own mind since you were ten years old
Taehyung
You're right, hyung
He admitted with cheerful candor. After a minute of comfortable silence, he asked idly
Taehyung
Bogum hyung, do you ever wonder who you'll marry?
He said with an odd little smile as he stared out across creek
Park Bogum
I already know who that person is
Startled by this amazing revelation, Tae snapped his head around.
Taehyung
You do? Truly? Tell me! Is it someone I know?
When he remained silent, Tae shot him a thoughtful, sidewise look and picked up a small rock.
Park Bogum
Are you planning on throwing that to me?
He said, his eyes twinkling.
Taehyung
I was thinking more in the line of wager. If I can hit that rock at the other side of the creek then you must tell me who is it.
Park Bogum
And if I come closer than you do?
Taehyung
Then you may name whatever you want
Park Bogum
I made a dire error when I taught you to gamble
He chuckled, but he was not proof against his daring smile
Bogum missed by a couple of inches but Tae focusing at the rock breathed deeply and hit it spot on.
Park Bogum
"I also made a dire error when I taught you to throw."
Taehyung
I always knew how to do that!
He reminded him audaciously, plunking his hand on his waist
Taehyung
Now who do you wish to marry?
Shoving his hands to his pockets, Bogum grinned down at Taeh
Park Bogum
Who do you think I wish to marry, Taehyung - ah?
Taehyung
But I hope whoever that is, is very special, because you are
Park Bogum
That person is special
Park Bogum
So special that I even thought about 'that' person when I was away at school. In fact, I'm glad to be home so I can see 'that' person more often
Taeh asnwered sarcastically,
Taehyung
Sounds quite nice
feeling suddenly and accountably angry at the unoffending person
Park Bogum
I'd said 'that' person's closer to 'wonderful' than 'quite nice', sweet and spirited, beautiful and unaffected, gentle and stubborn. Everyone who knows him comes to love him
Taehyung
Well then , for heaven's sake why don't you marry him and have done with it?
The teasing guy's lips twitched, and in a rare gesture of intimacy, Bogum reached out and laid his hand against Tae's silky black hair.
Park Bogum
"he's still too young. You see, his father wants him to wait until he's eighteen, so he'll know his own mind."
Taeh's enormous eyes widened as he searched Bogum handsome face.
Taeh hesitated, big innocent eyes still staring
Taehyung
don't you find it weird? I'm a guy and so are you. wouldn't your mother be upset?
Bogum captured Taeh's hand , smiling gently
Park Bogum
Just as there are things in the past that we cannot undo, there are feelings of which we cannot unfelt. Our hearts wants what our heart wants, we can't argue with it can we? It's the same as forcing love between two people.
Tae's world, threatened by what he had witnessed last night, suddenly seemed safe again, secure and warm.
Taehyung
Thank you Bogum hyung
He answered suddenly shyly. Then one of his lightning-quick transformation from shy to charming he added soflty
Taehyung
How lovely it would be to marry my dearest friend
Park Bogum
I shouldn't have mentioned it to you without first speaking to your father, and I can't do that for three more years.
Taehyung
He likes you immensely
Taehyung
"he won't object in the least when the time comes. How could he, when you are both so much alike?"
Tae stood up from the boulder he's sitting said his goodbye to his Bogum hyung and decided to go back to his home, feeling cheerful and bright.
Prologue 3
Taeh's spirit plummeted as soon as he opened the back door of the house and stepped into the cozy room that served the dual purpose of kitchen and family gathering place.
His mother was bending over the oven, busy with the waffle iron, her hair pulled back in a tidy chignon, her plain dress clean and pressed. Everything was neat and pleasant, just like his mother. His father is already seated at the table, drinking a cup of coffee.
Looking at them, Tae felt self-conscious, sick at heart and thoroughly angry with his mother for denying his wonderful father the love he wanted and needed.
Since Tae's sunrise walks were fairly common, neither of his parents showed any surprise at his entrance. They both looked up at him, smiled, and said good morning. Tae returned the greetings and smiled at his younger brother, Sunoo, but he could scarcely look at his mother. Instead, he went to the shelves and began to set the table for breakfast.
Tae moved back and forth between the shelves and the table, feeling ill at ease and sick to his stomach, but when he took his place at the table, the hostility he felt for his mother slowly began to give way to pity. He watched as his mother tried in a half dozen ways to make amends to her husband, chatting cheerfully with him as she hovered solicitously at his elbow, filling his cup with steaming coffee, handing him the cream, offering him more freshly baked rolls in between trips to the oven, where she was also preparing his favorite waffles.
Tae ate his breakfast in bewildered, helpless silence, his thoughts twisting and turning as he thought of some way to console his father for his loveless marriage.
The solution came to him the instant his father stood up and announced his intention of going to their neighbor to check a little girl's mending arm.
Taehyung
I'll go with you father. I've been meaning to ask you if you could teach me how to help you in your work, I mean.
Both his parents looked at him in surprise, for Tae had never before shown any interest in the healing arts. In fact, until then, he had been a carefree child whose chief interests were in amusements and mischievous pranks. Despite their surprise, neither parent voiced an objection.
Tae and his father had always been closed. From that day forward, they become inseparable.
Neither of them ever mentioned the sad things they had discussed on that fateful Christmas night. Instead, they filled their time together with cozy conversations and lighthearted banter, for despite the sorrow in his heart Mr.Kim was a man who appreciated the value of laughter.
Tae already inherited his mother's startling beauty and his father's humor and courage. Now he learned compassion and idealism from him as well. As a little boy he had easily won over the villagers with his bright and irresistible smile. They had liked him as a charming, carefree, innocent man; they adored him as he matured into a spirited young man who worried about their ailments and teased away their sullenness.
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