13 October. Sunny.

At dusk, rain fell from the skies, cold water stretching across the roads. When it was six o’clock, I wrapped a shawl around my shoulders and left my house to welcome my Gao Fei home.

Were it not for his displeasure, I might have already been at the airport awaiting his arrival at this moment in time. Gao Fei’s one week of the business trip was already a great torment for me to endure, so how could I tolerate the fact that I would not be the first person he would see upon touchdown?

But in his call, he coldly forbade me to do so.

For three days, he had not answered any of my calls. Without a choice, I could only compromise with his wishes.

At seven o’clock sharp, Gao Fei finally appeared within my sight, wearing the cream-coloured overcoat which I had prepared for him. I was as excited as a little bird as I ran towards him, shouting his name, ‘Gao Fei, Gao Fei’, dying to be enveloped within the warmth of his embrace.

As he heard my voice, he raised his head. He had not expected me to be waiting for him at the doorstep, and his eyes immediately cooled, watching as I ran towards him. He shifted, easily evading my hug, his disdain palpable.

Perhaps, in my entire life, I would never be able to obtain a fraction of warmth from him, just like a lost bird, never to return to the warmth of its nest.

Though I could clearly discern Gao Fei’s unhappiness, I was unwilling to draw attention to it. Moreover, I felt that his reaction was not considered overboard, so I continued to smile, remaining unbashful as I clung onto him, spilling my heart out.

‘Gao Fei, I missed you.’

It was impossible to not miss him, for he was the only man I have ever loved in my entire life.

The body which I hugged remained rigid in my arms. Even though Gao Fei was tall and wrapped securely in layers of clothes, not a silver of his warmth was given to me. Instead, he moved, raising his hands as he pushed me away.

His face remained expressionless as he said, ‘Let’s go home!’

I continued to beam as I nodded, because of his word ‘home’. I knew that this was just a careless, unintentional word on his part, but I was long accustomed to deliberately misinterpreting the meaning behind his words, spinning them in a favourable, comforting light, so my heart still warmed.

Go home.

Gao Fei, let’s go home.

From the bathroom was the sound of splashing water. I buried my head as I continued to unpack Gao Fei’s luggage. I knew that whenever he returned from his trips, I would receive no souvenir. Gao Fei often said that I was wealthy and powerful, and there was nothing in this world which I could not buy, just as there was nothing I could not snatch into my possession, so there was never a reason for him to give me anything. When he had said these words, his voice carried a trace of derision, matching the iciness in his eyes.

I wanted to protest: everything I could buy, no matter how expensive or precious they were, could never measure up to a single item from him.

But as I stared at the expression on his face, I could only shrink back, swallowing my words.

He was still unable to forget the way I had snatched him into my hands those years ago.

My wealth and power were two things that Gao Fei would never be able to accept.

That year, I had been accompanying my father as we attended a bidding conference, and it was there when I first met Gao Fei. Back then, he had been dressed smartly in a suit, his words clearly articulated as he presented his speech and addressed each client.

I had once read a book on psychology that described the science behind what we termed as ‘love at first sight.’ This happened whenever a man or a woman who was in heat crossed paths with someone they were physically attracted to, hence sparking that instant attraction, the colloquial ‘love at first sight’.

So, I thought that when I had met Gao Fei that day, my hormones must have been usually high, for I was just like Snow White who had met her Prince Charming, in a hurry to leave an impression on him. I remember that the moment the conference had ended, I immediately appeared in front of Gao Fei, beaming widely.

I had been standing guard at the doorway of the conference hall, just like a beast awaiting its prey.

After we married, Gao Fei often said to me, He Yujin, if I had known then that you had fallen for me, and would have resorted to such unscrupulous ways to marry me, I swear to the Heavens that I would never have spoken a word to you then.

But I only smiled as I said, Gao Fei, I love you.

Other than expressing my love to him at every moment in time, I no longer knew what else I could do.

After the conference, Gao Fei and I became acquainted, but how could I bear for us to remain only as friends? For the first time in my life, I confessed to my father my deepest wish.

The words wealthy and powerful should not be used to describe me. Instead, they referred to my father, the Chairman of Tianxing Corporation, a man who stood among the highest echelons of our city. Within this city, there was nothing that could not be accomplished by him, let alone a small wish that his only daughter, for the first time in her life, had wanted.

I admit that my father’s methods were a little overboard. But at that time, Gao Fei was completely uninterested in me, and as my whole heart was intent on becoming his bride as soon as possible, not only did I not stop my father, I was even glad to see it happen.

When Gao Fei remained unmoved by persuasion, my father finally resorted to the most vicious method. He ordered someone to kidnap Gao Fei’s parents, holding them hostage. With no way out, Gao Fei broke off his relationship with his then-girlfriend and married me.

But things did not end happily.

In revenge, on the day we wed, as Gao Fei slipped the wedding ring onto my finger, he said to me, ‘He Yujin, putting love aside, I will not even give you happiness. I will use my entire life to hate you until the day you die.’

I guess he must have really detested me to use the words ‘hate’ and ‘die’ on the day of our wedding.

But I only stared at him. Through tear-filled eyes, I said, ‘It’s alright, Gao Fei. It’s alright as long as I love you. I can be the one giving all the happiness in our marriage, as long as you accompany me by my side till the day I die.’

I packed his clothes and folded them one by one… his undergarments, shirts, blazer, tie. Folding it with even more practice than a salesperson. Though I once lived in luxury, from the day I had married Gao Fei, I had begun learning the ways of being a dutiful wife.

Soon, Gao Fei exited from the bathroom, a white towel wrapped around his body. I knelt at the side of the room and continued to arrange his clothes. He did not look at me, making straight for the bed. Yet I was unable to act as though I was unmoved, so I hurriedly packed the rest of his clothes, bathed, then clambered up onto the bed next to him.

As my body brushed against Gao Fei’s, I quickly burrowed myself into his arms, just like a snake winding around him. Gao Fei wanted to push me away, for he was never willing to hold me within his arms as we slept. Yet I remained stubborn as I clung onto his tall frame, acting like a spoilt child within his embrace.

‘Gao Fei, did you miss me?’

This was a question I was unable to ask under the brilliance of the sunlight. Only in the darkness of the night where I could not even see my five fingers, did I dare to finally, softly, ask him this.

It was immediately clear to me that Gao Fei detested my question for he pushed me away. But I was unrelenting, my hands swiftly slipping into his pajamas. Clumsily, I began to touch him, until his body began to stir. Yet he raised his arm, taking hold of my restless hands, freezing them in place.

His eyes locked onto mine.

Like a small sparrow, I laughed, thoroughly elated. I leaned closer to Gao Fei’s chest and asked in the most bewitching tone I could manage, ‘Gao Fei, did you miss me?’

Others often said that within the throes of desire, men lost their rationality, so I hoped that in his moment without reason, Gao Fei would tell me: yes.

In a sudden, abrupt movement, Gao Fei flipped me under his body. His eyes were filled with quiet endurance which melded with anger and desire, yet eclipsing them all was an undeniable loathing.

As I stared into his eyes, a strange sadness clenched around my heart.

Even at such a time, Gao Fei was able to remain clear-headed, to remember that he loathed me. Suddenly, I wanted to flee, yet I found myself pressing closer towards him, as though forced by an instinct buried deep within me.

My arms wound around his waist. I fought back my tears, swallowing them back into my heart.

From the very beginning, I never had the right to shed any tears.

When I reopened my eyes once again, my face had already transformed, my lips lifted in a bright smile. Yet Gao Fei detested such a simple and unthinking me, a person who was able to smile so carelessly and easily. As though in revenge, at the very last moment, he whispered into my ears, ‘He Yujin, you are merely a woman who offered yourself to me.’

He was right. I was a woman who had offered myself to his doorstep.

On the night of our wedding, my husband had only spent the night with me because I had drugged his drink.

Were it not for my love which bordered on obsession, I would never have done so. But though I had already tried several times to close the distance between us whenever he was drunk, he never once relented for he could always recognize me by my scent.

Left without any other options, on the day we wed, I could only resort to drugging his hangover drink.

As you could imagine, when dawn broke the next morning, I was once again the recipient of Gao Fei’s contempt. He stared at me, his eyes taking in my bare body, scorn crossing his face.

He said, ‘He Yujin, why do you have to resort to unnecessary measures? Are you afraid I will not fulfill my responsibilities as your husband?’

But I had been in a state of contentment then. Like a lazy cat, I only smiled, shaking my head, and did not argue with him. I thought to myself that Gao Fei had only said such words in order to protect his wounded pride, for he must have been angered by the extreme measures I had taken.

Yet in my heart, I could not help but think: Gao Fei, without the influence of alcohol and aphrodisiac, could you really bear to touch me?

I did not know the answer, so how could I gamble?

When I woke the next morning, the skies were lit with a faint brightness.

I often slept late and woke early, and this was one of the things which made Gao Fei unhappy with me. Because when I had first married him, I was still a self-absorbed child who acted wilfully without thinking about how my actions would affect another person.

As I did not like to stay in bed, out of habit, as I left bed each morning, my movements were clumsy and loud. Each time Gao Fei was awoken by me, he would turn to stare at me. His gaze was sharp as a knife and his voice cold as an arrow, as though afraid that even a part of me would escape his displeasure.

He said, ‘Even if you had nothing to do at home all day long, could you be more considerate to the sleep required by others?’

When he said these words, I remained smiling, my smile brilliant. I firmly believed that my smile could eclipse even the radiance of the morning sun, except no matter how widely I smiled, I could never warm Gao Fei’s heart.

I clung onto him and said, ‘Did I wake you up? I’ll take note of it in the future. You have good rest – I’m going to make breakfast.’ Then I delivered to him his morning kiss. Each time I did that, Gao Fei would close his eyes, wipe away my saliva, before turning his head away to continue sleeping.

Perhaps it was because my movements were quiet today that Gao Fei did not wake up. He was still sleeping, his bare arm slung across the quilt, back presented towards me. Carefully, I sat up, leaning over to observe him. As I stared at his face, I could not control myself, leaning over to place a gentle kiss on his face. Yet in my heart, I was shouting, ‘Gao Fei, I love you. In this world, no one will love you as much as I do.’

After this stolen kiss, my heart was content.

I left the bed to prepare his breakfast.

Gao Fei loved soy sauce noodles. A bowl of noodles and some sauce was all that was needed to make him happy. I remember the first time I invited him out as friends, I had booked a table at the best restaurant in the city, hoping to have a good meal with him.

But my Gao Fei was so adorable and courteous and understanding. He did not put on any airs.

He stood in front of me, dressed in a white shirt and casual pants, simple and neat. As his gaze shifted, taking in the resplendent inner hall of the restaurant, he laughed lightly, then said, ‘Miss He, we shouldn’t eat here.’

I was intoxicated within his laugh but mistook his words as an attempt to shirk away from our dinner, so I hurriedly said, ‘It’s alright, it’s alright.’ I was extremely anxious.

But Gao Fei continued, ‘Why do you have to spend so much when you’re not even treating your boss to a meal? This meal would cost us half of our salaries for the month. Somewhere simpler will do. Of course, if Miss He is proposing this meal as business engagement, then I will accept.’

Ah, you see, Gao Fei, how could my heart remain unmoved? Did you know that the person who stood in front of you had the wealth needed in letting you dine on such exorbitant meals in the three hundred and sixty-five days of the year? So, Gao Fei, you also have to bear part of the responsibility in my falling for you.

If you were not so accomplished and talented, if you were more materialistic, just like all the other men in this world, how could I have fallen for you? For what reason would I have resorted to such unscrupulous ways to obtain your heart?

The soy sauce noodles were simple and delicious but difficult to make. In the beginning, when learning to cook it, you could say that I had wasted over fifty kilograms worth of noodles. Every day, researching the ways in cooking Gao Fei’s favourite dishes became the only hobby I had.

Everyone said that practice makes perfect. Fortunately, the Heavens did not disappoint someone as persistent as me. Although Gao Fei had never praised the noodles which I made, I was still able to discern from the little expressions he displayed that he was satisfied.

To make soy sauce noodles, there were two important points to note. First, the noodles must be chewy, and second, the soy sauce must retain its original flavour – they had to be fragrant but not oily. Although I used the best noodles, the duration I boiled them, and the intensity of the flames were factors I had to learn. Cook them in excess and the noodles would become soft as flour, but undercook them and the noodles will become too hard.

As for the soy sauce, in order to maximize their freshness, I often made them myself. Using the middle heat as I heated up the pot, I would then add some oil and shelled peanuts, stir-frying them until most of the peanuts turned golden-brown. Together with sugar and sesame oil, I would mix them and continue to stir them until the sauce achieved a consistent texture.

Whenever I cooked, I did not feel like I was only making a bowl of noodles. Instead, it felt like a work of art to me, encapsulating in the simplest form my strong love for Gao Fei. Without the gift of the gab, other than telling Gao Fei I loved him over and over again, this was the only other thing I could do to express my feelings.

When it was time, the plate inlaid with golden flower trimmings was already warm with soy-sauce noodles, its fragrance wafting across the room. There was no garnish on the noodles, because Gao Fei did not like onion or garlic, and did not even take chopped green onions.

I placed the plate down and returned to the bedroom for a cup of water. When I returned, Gao Fei was already standing in the dining room, his left hand fixing the buttons of his right sleeve cuffs. He did not look at me, his eyes on the bowl of noodles. Then he pulled a chair over and sat down.

I placed the cup of water in front of him, hoping that he would say a word of praise. Within this entire city, he was the only person who I was willing to enter the kitchen and sacrifice my sleep for.

Actually, there was no need for me to do all these. From the day I married him, my father had spent a huge sum of money in hiring several domestic helpers. Within and around the house, they were there to attend to all our household chores. For the first time in my twenty years of life, I had left home, away from the sheltered comforts my father had provided for me, so how could he bear for me to do any chores?

But I had only shaken my head then, dismissing all the hired servants.

Gao Fei, you are the only person I want in this world, and I am willing to become a He Yujin that you will love.

Gao Fei, did you ever realize that I did all these only because I wanted a word of praise from you?

But Gao Fei never once said such words to me. As he saw me stare at him, he placed his chopsticks down and said in displeasure, ‘Miss He, is there anything you needed from me in this early morning?’

In recent days, the number of times he addressed me so formally had increased. Without reason, a flutter of anxiousness rose within my heart, and I furiously shook my head, fighting back my tears. I quickly sat down on the seat facing him, smiling before I lifted my head again.

‘No, Gao Fei, did you taste anything different from today’s noodles?’

He looked at me, before shaking his head in irritation. ‘No!’

I murmured in assent.

Today, I had added vinegar instead of soy sauce, so how could you not taste anything different? Did living with me make your entire life so colourless to the extent that even the food you ate all tasted bland?

Very soon, Gao Fei finished his meal and returned to the bedroom to dress. I did not care about my own bowl of noodles and followed behind him. As I opened the door, Gao Fei happened to be changing his pants, and his whole body was only clothed with a pair of white underwear. He stared at me. For a moment, it seemed as though he wanted to say something, but he soon turned away, his back towards me.

But I knew what it was that Gao Fei had wanted to say, for he had already said them to me multiple times in the past.

He said that he disliked the way I watched him while he dressed.

He said that he disliked the way I stared at him as we made love. Either he was reckless, violent, as he took me, until, finally, I closed my eyes, or he would cover my eyes with his palms, leaving me in darkness.

But I was just like a young child who could never be taught. When he said these words, I only laughed. Powerless, he could only let me do as I pleased.

I went to the wardrobe and helped him to retrieve his clothes. Then I handed him his tie.

That’s right. I only did such ridiculous things to have the chance to help him knot his tie.

In face of my stubbornness, there was nothing Gao Fei could do. Oftentimes, apart from loathing, the only other emotion he felt towards me was helplessness – powerlessness which was carved deep into his bones, a weakness which he wished to erase from his life.

And I – I clung onto his silver of powerlessness to obtain a fraction of his attention.

Carefully, I helped him to fix his tie, smoothing out the creases. As I lifted my head to look at Gao Fei, unsurprisingly, I saw that he was not looking at me. Seeing that I was done, he took a step backward and headed for the study to retrieve his briefcase.

Gao Fei left for work, and the room instantly transformed into a desolate mansion. The yellow sun which flitted through the arches of the French windows did not lend any warmth to the room. I stared at the table of breakfast which I had prepared, and as I had no appetite I tossed them all away.

To be fair, Lanlan was right.

For what reason did I wish to live in such a large house? And for what reason did I yearn to live with such a man?

Lanlan’s most common sentence was: He Yujin, you’re actually very beautiful. Even if the Emperor did not care for you, there is no need for you to look for a poor scholar who treated you coldly. You were born a princess and should have lived your life in the envy of others.

Each time she said these words, I could not help but laugh.

Lanlan was the only friend I had, but do not be mistaken to think that she was someone who valued class statuses. She did not come from good family background and belonged to the working class. Her university fees were paid for by her own effort, and her family could not even compare to Gao Fei’s.

She had only said these words because she felt unjust on my behalf. I loved Gao Fei with all my heart, but Gao Fei never once acknowledged me, choosing to turn a deaf ear and a blind eye to this love. Feeling it, but never enjoying it; accepting it, but never returning it.

I remember, one day, when Lanlan had too much to drink, she confessed by my ears, ‘Ah Yu, if there existed a person who would love me a fraction the way you loved Gao Fei, I would follow him with no regrets.’

Lanlan said that because of how deeply she yearned to be loved, as long as that person would shower on her the faintest glimmers of affection, even if all that remained were only bitterness and sadness, she would still be able to endure them.

There was a saying: as long as you are willing to take even one step forward, let me be the one to walk the remaining nine hundred and ninety-nine steps.

For the first time in my life, my only friend had confessed to me her deepest wish. I was caught off-guard, but after I recovered my thoughts, I then set about in using all the means I had to force the man she loved to take the first step forward.

Only, before the man Lanlan loved had even made the first move, Lanlan herself had already taken the step forward to cut off all ties with me.

She stood in front of me as she shouted, ‘He Yujin, are you insane! Do you think everyone is as despicable as you, to use your money to get whatever you want? I finally understand why Gao Fei will never love you – you deserve it!’

I froze. I did not know what to say, watching as she turned to leave, walking out of my life forever.

I only wanted you to be happy. Lanlan, that was all there was to it.

When I returned home, for the first time, I cried in front of Gao Fei. As my tears fell past my cheeks, I wanted nothing more than to burrow myself into his embrace, but Gao Fei only looked at me, his expression unmoved.

He said, ‘You deserved it.’

Then he walked into the bathroom.

In the span of a day, the two most important people in my life had said to me, He Yujin, you deserved it.

***

After Gao Fei left for work, I had nothing to do, but I did not wish to wander aimlessly in the house.

So, at eight-thirty, I left the house punctually. Within this city, apart from the house, I shared with Gao Fei, there was still one other place for me to go.

This place was not actually considered an orphanage. Nor was it an orphanage that only accepted gravely-ill children. When I had hired Lewis to design the place, I said that I did not wish for this to become a shelter, for I hoped that it would be a home.

Of course, Lewis understood what I meant. Gently, he kissed me on my forehead and said he understood.

Now, there were fifty-six children here. All of them were young, their bodies frail and emaciated. Yet when they saw me, they immediately brightened up, and shouted, Aunt Yujin.

Here, there were people who were specially hired to manage the daily affairs of this place. Though their salaries were not high, many of them were volunteers passionate in their cause. Apart from them, there were other doctors and nurses to take care of the children.

Aunt Yu was the director here. Originally, she managed the affairs of the He family estate, but after my father passed away, I had dismissed all the other servants and retained only Aunt Yu in helping me manage the orphanage.

Aunt Yu was kind and gentlewoman. She was also the only person who loved me after my father passed away.

She often stroked my hair as she said, ‘Yujin, you’re the person most deserving of love in this world.’

But I only smiled as I said, ‘Aunt Yu, you think too highly of me.’

Whether He Yujin was worthy of love or not was a question that was entirely dependent on what Gao Fei thought.

Yet Gao Fei often said, ‘He Yujin, I hate you, and I will hate you till the day we die – I will always hate you.’

How could a He Yujin who has been so detested by Gao Fei be deserving of love?

In the afternoons, Gao Fei did not return home for his meals. He worked as an ordinary employee in a government investment board within the business district. When my father was still alive, there had once been rumours that Gao Fei would be named the successor of his company, the enterprise which he had painstakingly built.

My father had once searched through numerous men in choosing the perfect husband for me, so as to select the best person he could entrust his company to.

But he was powerless in the face of a daughter as unfilial as I was. From young, I had been spoilt by him, and the thing I did most often was to throw a tantrum.

Seeing my stubbornness, my father had no choice but to allow me to marry Gao Fei. But my Gao Fei was equally obstinate and prideful. He did not care for my father’s assets, so my father’s enterprise did not have a successor.

15 November. Cloudy.

Actually, I never liked cloudy days, where the skies were overcast with dark clouds. Even when it rained, I still disliked cloudy days.

Before winter arrived, I had already changed all the furniture and decorations within the house. I once had countless ideas on creating the perfect home I would share with the people I loved most, and after I met Gao Fei, I turned my dreams into reality.

Gao Fei’s birthday was on the 15th of November, a day I had been looking forward to for over two weeks. From the end of October, I had already begun to think about how I wanted to celebrate his birthday.

In the early morning after I woke, I did not wish Gao Fei a happy birthday even though I was dying to do so, for I wanted to give him a surprise later on. I only smiled, feeling extremely contented.

I sent Gao Fei off to work, then made my way to the supermarket. Gao Fei enjoyed starch; he disliked sweet and oily food. Gao Fei loved the colour white and hated yellow. All these I knew like the back of my hands.

As it was still early in the morning, the supermarket was quiet with few shoppers. I bought my groceries without trouble and soon filled my shopping cart to the brim. Then I carried my numerous shopping bags and waited for the cab to arrive.

I was unable to drive for my hands and legs could become numb at any time without warning. Of course, this paralysis was also extended to the other parts of my body.

In the afternoon, I started preparing dinner, a myriad of ingredients scattered across the kitchen counter-top.

Only, I never expected that my illness would rear its ugly head at this moment.

As I lay paralyzed on the floor, I wanted to crawl back to the bedroom to retrieve my medication, but I did not have any strength left within me. My body trembled, a sharp pain blinding my vision. Clenching my jaw, I willed myself to endure it, seeing past the tears which gathered in my eyes.

My mobile phone was just right next to me. With just a button, I could dial Gao Fei’s number and receive the medicine I needed to alleviate my pain. Otherwise, were I to fall into unconsciousness, perhaps I would never be able to see Gao Fei again.

In the end, my rationality did not triumph against my emotions.

Staring at the phone, I closed my eyes.

Perhaps these things only happened to me because I had committed too much evil in my life. Gao Fei often said to me that I had done many unscrupulous things. But at that time, I had only brushed him off with a laugh. I said that even if retribution were to befall me, this was a thing that was to come a thousand years later, so he could only be free from me in another thousand years.

Each time I said these, Gao Fei would look coldly at me, his despise palpably. In front of him, I had never once acted like a virtuous woman.

When I finally came back to consciousness, my first thought was: Gao Fei, you did not manage to break free from me after all.

The sky was already dark, and I saw from my watch that it was already 7 pm. It seemed like my newest bout of unconsciousness has already exceeded my record of five hours.

I stood, smoothing the creases on my apron as I glanced at the heap of groceries on the kitchen table. My heart sunk. Gao Fei would be arriving home soon, but I had not managed to prepare anything.

The Heavens knew how badly I wished to help Gao Fei celebrate this birthday. Perhaps this would be the last birthday that I would celebrate with him.

When Gao Fei returned home, it was already late into the night at 11.30 pm.

Before that, I had already tried calling him multiple times, but he had never picked up.

On the dining table were numerous plates piled of food. Of course, these were not prepared by me. After I woke up, I no longer had the time nor mood to prepare these.

There was also a specially ordered three-layered cake at the center of the table. I did not know why I had ordered such a large cake. Perhaps within the deepest recesses of my mind, I harboured a hope that Gao Fei and I would never finish eating this cake so that this day would never come to an end.

Gao Fei was drunk and had been sent home by his colleague. The person who sent him home called me ‘sister-in-law’, and this made me very happy.

He handed Gao Fei over to me, then observed the house with a face written with surprise. This house was overly luxurious and not something Gao Fei could have afforded. Yet he remained very polite and did not draw attention to this.

It seemed like Gao Fei detested my scent at every moment in time. The instant he fell into my arms, he struggled to break free. Quietly, he murmured a person’s name. Only because I was sure that no one else heard him did I maintain a semblance of calmness as I saw his co-worker out.

When I returned, Gao Fei had already regained a fraction of sobriety.

His eyes locked into mine, staring at me intently. I was relieved for a glance at the wall clock revealed that it was ten minutes to midnight, and I had not missed the last of Gao Fei’s birthday.

I looked at the cake, then said to Gao Fei, ‘Gao Fei, happy birthday.’

He had not expected me to say this and froze. Eventually, his expression transformed into disdain.

Yet I persisted, pretending to be unaffected as I pressed on, ‘Make a wish, en?’

In the end, Gao Fei was still a fraction intoxicated. He did not answer my question, nor did he look at me, only stumbling his way back to the bedroom. In my urgency, I swiped my index finger across the top of the cake, hurrying towards him as I acted like a spoilt child in my insistence.

‘Then just have a bite! En, just a bite.’ I waved my fingers in front of his face, trying to shove them into his mouth.

I was about to obtain my wish, but Gao Fei swiftly evaded me and said, ‘I’m tired.’

I stood rooted on the spot, not knowing what to do.

Slowly, I placed my finger into my mouth, the butter of the cake immediately assailing my taste buds, nausea rising in me. But this could not dampen the ache clenching around my heart.

Dimly, I wondered, Gao Fei, in the future, will you also treat her in this manner?

Silently, my tears fell.

In the end, I used an entire week to finish Gao Fei’s birthday cake.

***

Days later, I visited the hospital, and the advice given to me by the doctors remained unchanged: I ought to be hospitalized immediately to begin chemotherapy. Except, there was a new line in their report: my illness had worsened, and the situation was all the more urgent.

‘What are my chances of being cured?’

‘This is not a matter of the possibility of being cured. If you are ill, we are obligated to treat you. No matter your chances, we will try our best.’

But I shook my head. I looked at the experienced doctor sitting across me and said, ‘What is the point of making a futile effort? I only wish to spend the last of my life in happiness.’

Gao Fei’s department was organizing a get-together. After our marriage of two years, this was the first time he had invited me to attend his company’s dinner. I was as excited as a little sparrow dancing within the trees, creating disorder as I pranced around the house.

Perhaps Gao Fei had only introduced me to his colleagues because his co-worker had learned of my existence the day he had been sent home drunk. Even so, I could not help my sudden gratitude that Gao Fei had returned home late that night, even forgiving him for it.

Two days before the get-together, I started preparing for it. I stared at the mirror as I scrutinized my hairstyle, then stared at the wardrobe as I contemplated what clothes to wear. In front of Gao Fei, I gestured incessantly as I chattered on and on, ‘Gao Fei, does this look good? Does this look good?’

Impatiently, Gao Fei dismissed me. He did not raise his head even as he said that it was fine. Because of my buoyant mood, I disregarded his attitude, and after trying all the clothes I had, I jumped onto his body, my hands twining around his neck, observing him through attentive eyes.

Even though Gao Fei continued to remain distant and unwelcoming, he did not push me away.

I stared deep into his eyes. The vastness of his eyes was comparable to an ocean, as though with only the slightest brush against it, one would drown within its boundless depths. His eyes were a treasure which I held incomparably dear, for even when their owner belonged to me, I was still afraid that someone else would steal them from my grasp. I brushed my nose against his. His nose was defined, just like the mountain ridges of the Alps. My fingers traced his face, feeling the tautness of his muscles and the smoothness of his skin, completely enraptured by the image before me.

Without reason, my eyes burned with a trace of wetness. Slowly, I saw the image of myself within Gao Fei’s eyes begin to blur.

Before my lips met him, I whispered, ‘Gao Fei, thank you.’

Thank you for appearing in my life; thank you for existing in this world; thank you for being by my side at this point in time; thank you for showing me that I have the ability to love.

Thank you for telling your co-workers about me; thank you for not denying my existence.

Maybe it was because though I had already said to Gao Fei multiple times that I loved him, this was still the first time I had thanked him, so Gao Fei’s body stiffened.

He raised his head, looking closely at me. I saw the glimmer of brightness within his eyes, unlike anything I had ever seen in the past. Even if it were only for an instant, I managed to catch a glimpse of it before it vanished, disappearing into the darkness.

I closed my eyes, and pressed myself towards him, kissing him.