If someone had told Lan Xia that her life would change because of a stupid vase, she would have laughed in their face and told them to go fuck themselves. But here she was,kneeling on a cold stone floor, surrounded by a bunch of people dressed like they were extras in a historical drama.

“Oh my god, what the hell just happened?” Xia whispered, clutching her head.

Her day had started off fine. She’d been at an antique shop, arguing with her landlord over late rent (again), when her clumsy ass knocked over some dusty vase with weird engravings. Next thing she knew, there was a flash of light, a loud whooshing sound, and she landed… here. Wherever the fuck here was.

“Who are you to barge into the imperial court unannounced?” a voice boomed.

Xia blinked and looked up. In front of her stood a tall man dressed in rich golden robes, his dark eyes boring into her like she’d just spit on his shoes. He had sharp cheekbones, perfect eyebrows, and a mouth that was set in a permanent scowl.

She blinked again. Was this man supposed to be… an emperor?

“Oh, great,” she muttered to herself. “I time-traveled into a soap opera. Fucking perfect.”

“Did you just curse in the presence of His Majesty?!” a panicked voice shrieked.

Xia turned to see a skinny man with a beard so long it looked like he was trying to cosplay as Confucius. He was pointing at her like she’d just committed murder.

“Yeah, I did. What’s your problem?” she snapped back.

The room fell silent. A hundred pairs of eyes stared at her like she’d grown a second head.

“Who dares to speak so disrespectfully in my presence?” the Emperor said coldly, stepping forward.

“Oh, excuse me, Your Royal Grumpiness,” Xia shot back, waving her hands dramatically. “I didn’t mean to offend your fragile ego. Can someone just tell me where the hell I am?”

A collective gasp rippled through the crowd.

“You insolent woman!” Confucius-wannabe sputtered. “Do you know who you’re talking to? This is His Imperial Majesty, the Son of Heaven!”

Xia rolled her eyes. “Yeah, okay, cool title. But can someone please explain why I’m here? I was at a freaking antique shop five minutes ago!”

The Emperor’s gaze narrowed. “You claim to be from… the future?”

“I don’t claim anything, buddy. I am from the future. One second I’m in the 21st century, and the next, I’m here with you lot, acting like you’ve never seen a woman in pants before.”

A few people murmured in confusion. The Emperor raised a hand to silence them.

“Stand,” he commanded.

Xia raised an eyebrow. “What if I don’t feel like it?”

His lips twitched, almost like he wanted to smile, but his expression stayed stone-cold. “Do you know what happens to people who defy me?”

“Lemme guess,” Xia said, crossing her arms. “You chop off their heads or something dramatic like that?”

The Confucius-wannabe gasped again. “She mocks imperial justice!”

The Emperor tilted his head, studying her like she was a particularly annoying puzzle. “What is your name?”

“Lan Xia. And you are?”

“Emperor Xu Liang,” he said, voice dripping with authority.

“Cool. Do you have a shorter version? Like, can I just call you Xu or something?”

The entire room erupted into chaos. Guards reached for their swords, and the Confucius-wannabe looked like he was about to faint.

“Silence!” the Emperor barked. Instantly, everyone shut up.

He turned back to Xia, his eyes glinting with something dangerous. “You may call me Your Majesty.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening,” Xia said with a shrug.

The Emperor’s jaw tightened. “You are the most insolent woman I have ever met.”

“And you’re the grumpiest man I’ve ever met,” Xia shot back. “Looks like we’re even.”

For a moment, they just stared at each other, the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. Then the Emperor smirked—a small, almost imperceptible twitch of his lips.

“Take her to the East Wing,” he ordered.

“Wait, what?” Xia said, alarmed. “What’s in the East Wing?”

“Your new quarters,” the Emperor said, turning away. “You are not to leave the palace grounds until I decide what to do with you.”

“Oh, hell no!” Xia protested. “I’m not staying here! I’ve got bills to pay, okay? And my cat needs food!”

He didn’t even look back. “Guards, escort her.”

Before Xia could argue further, two burly guards grabbed her arms and started dragging her away.

“This is kidnapping! I’m calling the cops!” she yelled, kicking her legs uselessly.

“No one knows what ‘cops’ are, you lunatic,” one guard muttered under his breath.

Chapter 2: The Emperor Can Kiss My Ass

If someone had asked Lan Xia how her day was going, she would have answered with one word: Shit.

After getting dragged through the palace like a fucking criminal, she was now locked inside some fancy-ass room, pacing back and forth like a caged animal.

"Son of a bitch," she muttered, kicking the wooden door. "Let me out, you medieval motherfuckers!"

No response.

The guards outside probably thought they were too important to answer her, or maybe they just didn’t give a shit. Either way, she was about to lose her mind.

"This is bullshit!" she shouted. "I didn’t ask to be here! I have a life, you assholes! I have a phone bill to pay! I have shit to do!"

She threw herself onto the ridiculously soft bed, screaming into the silk pillows like a pissed-off teenager. If she had to stay here, at least she’d make everyone else suffer with her.

Just as she was about to start kicking the furniture for fun, the door creaked open.

A small, nervous-looking maid peeked in. "Miss Lan… His Majesty has summoned you."

Xia sat up, glaring. "Summoned? I ain’t a fucking dog."

The maid paled. "P-please don’t say such things! His Majesty—"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. He’s a big scary man with power. Whoop-de-fucking-doo," Xia grumbled, shoving herself off the bed. "Fine, let’s go see His Royal Pain-in-the-Ass."

The maid looked like she wanted to cry, but she didn’t say anything. Smart girl.

Xia was led through the massive palace, her eyes widening at how ridiculously extra everything was.

Gold pillars? Check.

Silk carpets? Check.

A bunch of servants bowing every five seconds? Double check.

"Jesus, this place is over the top," Xia muttered. "Who the hell needs this much space? You could fit a whole-ass football stadium in here."

The maid looked horrified. "Football… stadium?"

"Never mind." Xia sighed.

Finally, they reached a massive hall where Mr. Emperor Himself sat on a golden throne, looking smug as hell.

"Lan Xia," he said smoothly. "You kept me waiting."

Xia snorted. "Yeah? Well, I didn’t exactly come here by choice, Your Majesty."

His eyebrow twitched, like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to strangle her or laugh. "Do you know why I called you here?"

"To apologize for kidnapping me?"

His lips curled into something that almost looked like amusement. "No. I have summoned you to discuss your… situation."

"Oh, now you wanna talk about it?" Xia scoffed. "Not when I was screaming my lungs out in that room?"

The emperor tilted his head. "Did you think throwing a tantrum would make me let you go?"

Xia narrowed her eyes. "Did you think locking me up like a damn prisoner would make me obedient?"

Silence.

The courtiers around them looked like they were about to pass out from shock. No one ever spoke to the emperor like that.

Finally, the emperor smirked. "You are an unusual woman, Lan Xia."

"And you’re an arrogant prick," she shot back. "Glad we’re on the same page."

Some old dude in the background choked on air.

The emperor leaned forward, resting his chin on his hand. "Tell me… why should I believe you’re from the future?"

Xia groaned. "Oh my god, not this again. Do you think I chose to be here? If I had a time machine, I’d be stuffing my face with instant noodles and watching Netflix right now."

"Net… flix?"

"Forget it. The point is, I don’t belong here, and I wanna go home."

The emperor studied her like she was a puzzle he couldn’t solve. It was fucking annoying.

"You are quite troublesome," he finally said.

"And you’re fucking impossible."

His eyes glinted with something she didn’t like interest.

Shit.

"You will stay here until I decide what to do with you," he announced.

"WHAT?! Are you serious?" Xia threw up her hands. "What the fuck am I supposed to do here? Sing and dance for your entertainment?"

He smirked. "I doubt anyone would enjoy that."

Xia gasped. "Did you just fucking insult me?"

The emperor stood up, towering over her. "You will learn to respect me, Lan Xia."

"And you will learn to fuck off," she snapped back.

Dead silence.

Every single person in the hall looked like they were witnessing the end of the world.

Xia didn’t give a shit.

She was already stuck here. Might as well have fun pissing off the emperor.

And judging by the way he was staring at her, like she was the most infuriating yet fascinating thing he’d ever seen…

She was doing a damn good job.