Jasper: Hey,did you guys see what Captain Man did yesterday?
Charlotte: Can we focus on algebra?
Jasper: There was a fire at a pet store,and Captain Man ran inside right through the flames and saved all the animals. And he didn't even get hurt
Henry: Captain Man never gets hurt. He's a beast
Charlotte: You know,someday,when you guys are cleaning my swimming pool 'cause you failed this algebra test,then flunked out of school,I hope you remember this moment,'cause I will
Henry: Hey,here's a cool job I could do,foot model
Jasper: You guys,could we go over the list for my birthday party?
Henry: Sure
Charlotte: No
Henry: No
Jasper: But I invited 52 people and nobody's texted me back yet. What does that mean?
Henry: That people have been to your parties before?
Jasper: Oh,come on,my parties aren't that bad
Charlotte: Christmas,three years ago,15 kids ended up in the hospital
Henry: 'Cause of your raw turkey
Jasper: It was turkey sushi
Charlotte: A boy almost died
Jasper: Almost
Henry: Okay. First person who helps me find an after school job gets this bowl of pine cones
[gasps]
Charlotte: Why do you even need a job?
Henry: You know,to learn responsibility,challenge myself
Jasper: He wants money
Henry: I want money
Charlotte: Money's good
Jasper: Can we please talk about my birthday?
Charlotte: (sighs) Am I gonna have to slap a boy?
Kris: Henry,can you please tell me how in the wor--Oh,I didn't know Jasper and Charlotte were here
Jasper: We're studying
Charlotte: Are we?
Henry: Mom,we're right in the middle of something
Kris: I'm not interrupting
Henry: Okay,thanks
Kris: I just have a question about your underwear
Henry: Mom!
Charlotte: I'd like to hear the question
Jasper: What is the issue with Henry's underwear?
Piper: Mom! Mom,I'm not okay
Melody: I'm fine
Henry: Piper,we're trying to study here
Piper: I'm talking to my mother
Kris: What's wrong,baby?
Piper: Jessica unfollowed me
Henry: No one cares
Kris: Henry. Why would Jessica unfollow you?
Piper: 'Cause she posted a picture of her with me and Allison,so I posted a comment that said,"OMG,you look so gorgeous"
Kris: Well,that's nice
Piper: No. 'Cause Allison thought it meant she looked gorgeous,so she posted a comment that said,"Thanks,ILY." And so then Jessica got jealous and unfollowed me,and now I hate myself and I'm gonna die
Kris: I'll call Jessica's mom and talk to her
Piper: No! That's not okay!
Henry: Dang it. All these jobs say I've got to have skills
Jasper: So? You've got tons of skills
Henry: Name one
Jasper: You're a great dancer
Henry: No,I'm not
Jasper: You could take lessons
Henry: Oh,my gosh
Charlotte: What?
Henry: I'm--I'm not great at anything. This is tragic
Charlotte: Here,let me see
Henry: I'm just a big pile of average
Charlotte: Okay. Here's a job
Henry: Where?
Charlotte: At a store called Junk-N-Stuff. It says,"Needed,part-time helper for various duties"
Jasper: "Duties"
Charlotte: And see? It says,"No special skills necessary"
Henry: That's me. I've got to go get that job. You get the pine cones
Charlotte: Sweet. Good luck,Hen
Henry: Thanks
Jasper: If you give me a pine cone,I'll lick my elbow
[theme music playing]
[growling]
-What are you looking at?
Henry: Uh,nothing. Just,uh,this turtle's butt. Sorry
[Henry clears throat]
Henry: Uh,my name is Henry Hart. I'm here about the job
Gooch: The job
[burp]
Henry: Um,did that plant burp?
Gooch: Go back
Henry: Come back?
Gooch: Go back
Henry: Where?
Gooch: To the back
Henry: Oh,go to the back
Gooch: Take the elevator down
Henry: What floor?
Gooch: Down
Henry: The down floor?
Gooch: Good luck
[plant squeals]
Henry: You too
[cell phone rings]
Henry: Hey,what's up?
Jasper: Does my basement smell like chicken poop?
Charlotte: Yes
Henry: What?
Jasper: I'm down in my basement with Charlotte,and she said it smells like poop from a chicken
Charlotte: A sick chicken
Henry: Uh,what are you and Charlotte doing in your basement?
Charlotte: He wants to have his birthday party down here in this chicken toilet
Jasper: This is my home
Henry: Guys,I can't talk right now. I'm at a job interview,so I gotta go
[screams]
Jasper: Henry,you still there?
[screams]
[rock music blaring]
Jasper: (on phone) Henry?
Charlotte: (on phone) Henry?
Henry: I'll call you back. Hello?
Ray: Hey,how are you? Cool. Thanks. Great to meet you. I'm doing good. What's your name?
Henry: Um,I'm Henry Hart. I'm here about the job
Ray: Age?
Henry: 13. I'll be 14 on my next birthday
Ray: Ah. So you're aging sequentially. I like that
Henry: Thanks
Ray: My name's Ray
Henry: Hi,Ray
Ray: You ask a lot of questions
Henry: I don't think I've asked any questions
Ray: Chocolate or vanilla?
Henry: Vanilla
Ray: Helicopters or kangaroos?
Henry: Helicopters
Ray: Love it. Scrambled eggs or dynamite?
Henry: Both
Ray: Maybe. Complete this sentence,"I'm sorry,Mother,I didn't mean for my elephant to blank"
Henry: Uh,lick Dad
[laughs]
[both laughing]
Ray: Well,that's not funny
Henry: No. Um,is this the job interview?
Ray: Do you want it to be the job interview?
Henry: Um,what is the job?
Ray: What do you think the job is?
Henry: Uh,well,the ad said part-time helper,so I'm thinking maybe you need someone to help you,you know,part time
Ray: Do you ever dream about sleeping?
Henry: No
Ray: Good. If you did,you'd be dead
Henry: I am so confused
Ray: David?
Henry: Henry
Ray: Can I trust you?
Henry: Sure
Ray: Can you keep a secret?
Henry: Totally
Ray: So I can trust you to keep a secret?
Henry: Yes,sir
Ray: I'm going to blow a bubble
Henry: You're going to blow a bubble?
Ray: And I'm going to blow your mind
Henry: You're Captain Man!
Ray/Captain Man: That's right,Henry. Hold on a second. Stupid zipper always sticks. Come--Ow,that's my skin! Yeah,there we go. (chuckles) Whoo! Always good to keep the old zipper lubed
Henry: I--I can't believe I'm standing here talking to Captain Man
Ray/Captain Man: Why,are you a fan? Do you like me? Most people like me,but not everyone
Henry: Yeah,I'm a huge fan. Oh,man,I've got to tell Jasper about this. He's gonna freak when I tell him I'm here standing next to Captain--
[screams]
Ray/Captain Man: Sorry,but you can't tell your friends about this
Henry: Okay. But--Did you have to melt my phone?
Ray/Captain Man: I'll get you a new one
Henry: Really?
Ray/Captain Man: No. So,Henry,tell me why you want a job
Henry: Well,you know,to--to learn responsibility and challenge myself
Ray/Captain Man: So you want money?
Henry: Lots of money
[elevator bell chimes]
-(in British accent) Oh,is this the ladies' room?
Ray/Captain Man: No,ma'am. You're not supposed to be down here
-(in British accent) What an interesting place
Ray/Captain Man: Thank you,but I'm conducting a job interview,and you're very old,so can you please just get back in the elevator?
-(in British accent) Oh,I'll just take me phone out of me purse and call me nephew
Ray/Captain Man: Great. I'll just turn my back and look at something
[flashback]
-What are you looking at?
[end of flashback]
Henry: Captain Man!
Ray/Captain Man: Oh!
[grunting]
-(in normal voice) Goodbye forever,Captain Man
Henry: No!
-(in British accent) Get off of me
Henry: Quit talking like a British lady
-(in British accent) Stop pulling me wig over me eyes. I can't see
[grunts]
Henry: Captain Man! Captain Man,are you okay?
Ray/Captain Man: Captain Man is always okay. Nice work,Boris
Boris: The boy did good job
Henry: Wait,wait,wait,wait. You know the--
Ray/Captain Man: That's Boris. He works for me
Henry: What?
Ray/Captain Man: How'd you know he wasn't really an old lady?
Henry: Uh,'cause of the tattoo on his neck. I saw it on him up in the store. And his boobs are two wobbly
Ray/Captain Man: True. Go get those under control. Henry,you have a sharp eye,good instincts,a nice shirt,and you're brave
Henry: Thanks
Ray/Captain Man: Do you know how to make sandwiches?
Henry: I do
Ray/Captain Man: Then you have all the qualities I'm looking for
Henry: But I--I don't--
Ray/Captain Man: You're the one,Henry
Henry: The one to make you a sandwich?
Ray/Captain Man: (laughs) No. Well,yes. But everybody gets old some day,even Captain Man. I can't do this forever
Henry: Do what?
Ray/Captain Man: Protect our town,Swellivew,from bad guys,bad things,bad smells
Henry: Smells?
Ray/Captain Man: You want to be horrified?
Henry: No
Ray/Captain Man: Watch this
[grunting and laughing]
Henry: Who's the freak in the diaper?
Ray/Captain Man: The Toddler,and don't let the diaper fool you,kid. He's pure evil
Henry: Wow
Ray/Captain Man: I'll show you wow. Watch this secret video that was intercepted by my people who intercept secret videos
The Toddler: (on computer) You were supposed to bring me my applesauce two minutes ago
Man #2: (on computer) I'm sorry,Toddler
The Toddler: Sorry don't make baby happy
[blowing raspberries on computer]
Man: (on computer) Toddler,good news. The radioactive zenite is here
The Toddler: (on computer) Really? Whoo-hoo! That means we can begin phase two of my plan
Man #2: (on computer) Will someone wipe my face?
The Toddler: (on computer) No! Dang. That takes so much effort. Have one of our scientists build me a device to do that
Man: (on computer) To do what,sir?
The Toddler: (on computer) This
[blowing raspberries]
[groans]
Ray/Captain Man: You see that?
Henry: He's a maniac
Ray/Captain Man: And there's more maniacs like him,all dangerous to the good citizens of Swellview
Henry: Well,yeah,but we've got you to stop them
Ray/Captain Man: True. But I'm not as young as I used to be. (Sighs) I'm almost 34. I need help,and someday someone's gonna have to take over for me
Henry: Like--Like me?
Ray/Captain Man: What do you say,Henry? Do you want to be my sidekick?
Henry: How much does it pay?
Ray/Captain Man: $9 an hour
Henry: Whoa!
Ray/Captain Man: I know,right?
[bell rings]
Jasper: Whoa!
Charlotte: Check this place out. Hey,look at this thing
Jasper: (on computer) Wow,a bucket of swords
Henry: What are they doing here?
Ray/Captain Man: Friends of yours?
Henry: Uh-huh
Charlotte: Jasper,please don't embarrass me
Jasper: Excuse me,sir
Charlotte: He's gonna do it
Gooch: Yes?
Jasper: How much?
Gooch: Each sword is $100
Jasper: No,no,no. How much for the bucket?
Gooch: The bucket?
Charlotte: That's not a bucket. That's a barrel
Jasper: It's close enough to a bucket. I collect buckets
Charlotte: Don't say it
Jasper: I'm a bucketeer
Ray/Captain Man: Well,they seem like nice kids
Henry: Yeah,their names are Jasper and Charlotte. I've known them ever since--
Ray/Captain Man: Get rid of them
Henry: I'll get rid of them-
Jasper: (on computer) Wow,what a bucket
Ray/Captain Man: Kid sure loves that bucket
Henry: Hey
Jasper & Charlotte: Henry!
Charlotte: Did you get the job?
Henry: (on computer) Yeah
Charlotte: (on computer) Cool
Jasper: (on computer) Does that mean I can get a discount on this bucket?
Henry: Dude,it's my first day here. You--You guys gotta--
Jasper: Excuse me,mysterious foreign man,do Henry's friends get a discount here?
Charlotte: That plant just shook it's head
Jasper: Wow
Henry: Would you two get him out of here?
Jasper: How much for the plant?
[mutters]
Gooch: The plant is not for sale
Henry: Bye,guys
Jasper: Come on. I'll give you seven bucks for it and one Canadian loonie. Ahhhhh! It spit in my eye!
Charlotte: I told you Canadian money upsets people
Henry: You guys,you've got to go now
Jasper: Wait,what about my bucket? I want the pretty bucket! I love that bucket!
Charlotte: (on computer) Will you shut up about that bucket?
Henry: Carry on
Henry: I gotta wear this?
Ray/Captain Man: All good sidekicks wear costumes
Henry: Sorry,but this is bad
Ray/Captain Man: I have more options. Too sparkly. Eh,it's a little Broadway. Too tight
Henry: Uh,way too tight
Ray/Captain Man: Oh,man...(sighs) I ate a lot of fruit. Hey,I like it
Henry/Kid Danger: I like it,but it takes a lot of time to put on
Ray/Captain Man: And that's why you'll need this special bubble gum
Henry/Kid Danger: Special?
Ray/Captain Man: Read the instructions
Henry/Kid Danger: "Chew gum,blow bubble,fight crime"
Ray/Captain Man: Now
Henry/Kid Danger: What's this for?
Ray/Captain Man: It means we're engaged
Henry/Kid Danger: What?
Ray/Captain Man: No,I'm just kidding. That's how I'll contact you
Henry/Kid Danger: Well,why can't you just call me?
Ray/Captain Man: I melted your phone
Henry/Kid Danger: Right
Ray/Captain Man: Now,listen closely. That wristband flashes
Henry/Kid Danger: It flashes
Ray/Captain Man: A triple flashing light means emergency like,"major stitch going down,so get here fast"
Henry/Kid Danger: Right
Ray/Captain Man: A double flashing light means it's just important
Henry/Kid Danger: And what is a single flashing light mean?
Ray/Captain Man: Just to,you know,shoot me a text whenever
Henry/Kid Danger: Got it
Ray/Captain Man: Now,raise your right hand. Spread your fingers. Turn your head and cough
Henry/Kid Danger: What?
Ray/Captain Man: (laughs) Joke. Place your left hand over your right lung and repeat after me. I,Henry Hart--
Henry/Kid Danger: I,Henry Hart--
Ray/Captain Man: Pledge to be an awesome sidekick to Captain Man--
Henry/Kid Danger: Pledge to be an awesome sidekick to Captain Man--
Ray/Captain Man: And to never ever,ever,tell anyone that I am Captain Man's secret sidekick
Henry/Kid Danger: And to never ever tell anyone that I am Captain Man's secret sidekick
Ray/Captain Man: You left out one "ever"
Henry/Kid Danger: Ever
Ray/Captain Man: It is done
Henry/Kid Danger: Feels good
Ray/Captain Man: Yeah
[alarm sounds]
Ray/Captain Man: Uh-oh. What's up,Gooch?
Gooch: (on computer) Someone sabotaged the bridge over the Jandy River
Ray/Captain Man: The bridge is down?
Gooch: (on computer) Affirmative
Ray/Captain Man: That means yes
Henry/Kid Danger: I got that
Ray/Captain Man: Situation?
Gooch: (on computer) Cars in the water,lives in danger
Ray/Captain Man: Understood
Ray/Captain Man: Phase two of The Toddler's plan. Let's ride
Henry/Kid Danger: Wha--Ride where?
Ray/Captain Man: We've got people in the Jandy River that need saving. Come on
Henry/Kid Danger: You mean we're going there,together,like,right now?
Ray/Captain Man: Yeah. Get under your tube
[beeping noises]
Ray/Captain Man: Ready?
Henry/Kid Danger: For what?
Ray/Captain Man: Up the tube
Henry/Kid Danger: I don't know how to--Whoosh!
Ray/Captain Man: (in the tube) Just tap your belt buckle
Henry/Kid Danger: Oh. Heh. Up the tuuuuuuuube
Woman on TV: And we're going to come back to that story so we can take you live to the Jandy Bridge,which mysteriously collapsed a little over an hour ago
Kris: Jake,honey,come look. The Jandy Bridge collapsed
Jake: What? Oh,no,that was my favorite bridge
Reporter on TV: We understand there are several people in cars in the water. People are injured
[evil laughter]
Jake: What happened?
Kris: They're not sure. They think--
Piper: Mom,Dad,I hate my life,and I'm not okay
Kris: Not now,honey. Daddy's favorite bridge collapsed
Piper: Who cares?
Jake: Your daddy cares
Piper: But every time I try to watch a video on my phone it keeps freezing,because our stupid Wi-Fi signal only gives me one bar
Jake: Then just wait until the video loads before you watch it
Piper: Oh,so we're living like animals now?
Kris: Later
Piper: I'll run away. I'll do it
Reporter on TV: Rescue workers were unable to get their equipment down the muddy embankment. Luckily,Captain Man arrived on the scene,leapt into the water,and saved the endangered citizens from drowning
News anchor on TV: And Ron,is it true that for the first time Captain Man wasn't working alone?
Reporter on TV: That's correct. It appears Captain Man has teamed up with a new sidekick,who apparently goes by the name Kid Danger
Kris & Jake: Huh
News anchor on TV: Well,once again Swellview owes a big thanks to Captain Man and,apparently,Kid Danger
Jake: Hey,Henry,did you get the job?
Henry: Yeah,just finished my first day
Kris: So how was work?
Henry: Uh,it was pretty...interesting
THE End
Charlotte: Okay,George has six times as many dimes as quarters in his piggy bank
Jasper: Oh,yeah! Oh,yeah! I got two responses
Henry: To what?
Jasper: My birthday party invitation. Two guys said they might come
Henry: Who?
Jasper: Sidney Burnbaum and Oliver Pook
Charlotte: Ugh
Henry: Those guys eat bugs
Jasper: So? They're people. When'd you get a new phone?
Henry: Oh,uh,mine broke,so--what are you doing?
Jasper: You've got to get this new app
Henry: Wait. What app?
Charlotte: Hey,you never told us what you do at your new job
Henry: Oh,right,right
Charlotte: What do you do?
Henry: I--
Jasper: App installed
Henry: oh,great,the app. Tell me about the app
Jasper: It plays a billion sound effects,like school bell--
[bell rings]
Jasper: Cat choking on a hairball--
[choking sound]
Jasper: Ice cream truck--
Charlotte: You have the brain of a hamster
Jasper: I wish
Henry: Give me my phone
Jasper: Hey,did you guys hear what Captain Man did yesterday?
Charlotte: Oh,yeah,the Jandy Bridge
Henry: And so if you divide 9x by the square root--
Jasper: They say he pulled seven people out of the river and saved their lives
Charlotte: Yeah,and he has a new sidekick. There's a story about it on my news feed
Henry: Hey,let's talk about your birthday party
Jasper & Charlotte: Shhhh!
Charlotte: Here. "For the first time ever,Captain Man was not working alone"
Henry: Whoa. How'd that break?
Charlotte: "According to witnesses on the scene,Captain Man was heard calling his new sidekick 'Kid Danger'"
[glass shatters]
Charlotte: You just slapped my phone right out of my hand
Henry: Yeah,sorry. Sorry. I'm just--I'm worried. You and I gotta study,and I'm worried about Jasper's party,and there's--I don't know. I just--
[beeping]
Captain Man's voice: "A triple flashing light means emergency like,'major stitch going down so get here fast"
Henry: Uh,why don't you guys go to the zoo?
Charlotte: Why?
Jasper: You know I got banned from the zoo
[beeping continues]
Charlotte: What is that?
Henry: What,my thumb?
Charlotte: The bracelet that's beeping and flashing on your wrist?
Henry: Uh,it's,uh,a timer
Charlotte: What are you timing?
Henry: Muffins
Charlotte: You're making muffins?
Henry: Birthday muffins
Jasper: Yes!
Henry: Dang. There goes the surprise. I'll just turn this off. I'll just push the button
[muffled beeping continues]
Jasper: It's still on
Henry: No,it's not
Charlotte: We can see it flashing through your pants
Jasper: And we can still hear it beeping
Henry: I know. I,uh...I need a pickle
Charlotte: Wait! I thought we were gonna study
Jasper: Bring me back a pickle
Henry: Ray! Ray,what's wrong?
Ray & Leilani: 'So fun for everyone to sing E Hoomau' 'Maua Kealoha'
Henry: Uh,Ray?
Ray & Leilani: 'Hawaii make you say' 'Hele mei hoohiwahiwa'
Henry: Dude!
Ray: Henry,what goes on?
Henry: You triple beeped me. You said that means there's an emergency
Ray: Oh,right,sorry. I was just getting a ukulele lesson from Leilani. Take a break. Mmm. Yeah
Henry: So what's up?
Ray: We have a situation. And by we I mean our city,all of Swellview. Check this out
Henry: The Toddler?
Ray: He's the one that destroyed the Jandy Bridge yesterday
Henry: Why?
Ray: To set up phase three of his plan
Henry: What's phase three?
Ray: It's the phase that comes right after phase two but before phase four,if there is a phase four. But if there's no phase four,then phase three would be the final phase
Henry: So what happens in phase three?
Ray: Listen
Henry: Okay
Ray: While you and I were pulling people out of the river,the Toddler's men stole 5,000 packages of diapers. Can you guess why?
Henry: Um--
Ray: To bombard the diapers with radioactive zenite particles
Henry: I would not have guessed that
Ray: You want to see what happens when a baby pees into a diaper that's been bombarded with radioactive zenite particles?
Henry: No
Ray: Watch this
Henry: Why does he ask me?
[beeping]
The Toddler: (on computer) What's taking so long?
-(on computer) Well,he hasn't peed yet
The Toddler: (on computer) Well,give him some more apple juice
-(on computer) Wait,wait. He--I think he's peeing
[crying]
The Toddler: (on computer) Goody. Here comes the fun
[growling]
[evil laughter]
Henry: Oh,my gosh
Ray: Uh-huh
Baby: (on computer) Kill you. Kill everyone
Henry: Monster babies?
Ray: That's right,Henry,unless we stop the Toddler. Are you with me?
Henry: Well,yeah
Ray: Well,good. Meet me here tonight at 7:00 sharp
Henry: Wait,wait,wait. Tonight? No,I--I can't do tonight
Ray: What? What do you mean?
Henry: My--My best friend,Jasper,he's having his birthday party tonight,and--
Ray: Party? (Laughs) Henry,there's a freakish man-toddler out there about to turn all the babies in Swellview into that
Baby: (on computer) I'm fluffy!
Ray: And you're worried about a party?
Henry: But--But Jasper's been my best friend since we were five
Ray: Okay. Okay. It's cool. Uh,you go to Jasper's party. I'll handle The Toddler by myself. Don't worry about it
Henry: Are you sure?
Ray: Yeah,I've battled the Toddler alone before. Almost killed me,but whatever
Henry: Now I feel all bad
Ray: (chuckles) Don't feel bad. I'll save the world. You go have a fun time at Jasper's birthday party. Dance. Drink some fruity punch. Leilani,turn on the hot tub
Leilani: Yay. (Laughs)
Jasper: (over phone) You're supposed to be here
Henry: Okay. Yeah,Jasper. Jasper,I'm on my way
Jasper: (over phone) You got the muffins?
Henry: No. I'm not bringing the muffins
Jasper: (over phone) Wait. Did you hear what happened to Captain Man?
Henry: What about Captain Man?
Jasper: (over phone) He got captured
Henry: What?
Jasper: (over phone) Henry,am I handsome?
Reporter: (on TV) While reports are unclear,we do have confirmation that Captain Man has been captured,and is being held at a secret location
Henry: Captured? Dang it,Ray!
Reporter: (on TV) Next,why squirrels love nuts
Jasper: (over phone) Henry? Henry?
Henry: Uh,I can't talk. I'm *****-
'This is the moment that changes it all' 'This is the moment' 'This is the moment changes it all'
Oliver: You said there'd be ladies
Jasper: They'll be here. Hey,you guys like my shirt? It was a birthday present from my aunt
Oliver: It's okay
Sidney: It would look better if you wore Boinks
Jasper: What are Boinks?
Oliver: Check this. They really firm your trunk
Jasper: Do they?
Sidney: Heck yeah!
Oliver: Slap my gut
Jasper: Ehh--
Oliver: Yeah
Sidney: Me next
Jasper: Wow,firm
Charlotte: Wow
Charlotte: Cool party
Jasper: Where's Henry?
[gasping sounds]
The Toddler: Nyah,nyah,nyah,nyah,nyah,nyah
Ray/Captain Man: Come on,Toddler. Let me out of this thing before I puke
The Toddler: No. This is my playroom,my toys,my rules
Ray/Captain Man: Your sick under-developed maniac. Ow! Geez,man
The Toddler: Oh,I thought the famous Captain Man couldn't be injured
-He can't,but he does feel pain
The Toddler: You're not allowed to talk unless you raise your hand and I call on you! You stupid head
[electronic sputtering]
The Toddler: That's what you get
Ray/Captain Man: Come on,Toddler. Your insane plan won't work
[cell phone rings]
The Toddler: A lot you know
Henry/Kid Danger: What?
Jasper: You're late
Henry/Kid Danger: Well,sorry,but I'm kind of in the middle of something
Jasper: Something more important than my birthday party?
Henry/Kid Danger: Uh--
The Toddler: 48 hours from now every baby in Swellview will be a hideous monster
Henry/Kid Danger: Yeah,this is pretty important
Jasper: But you promised me that--
Charlotte: Henry,will you get your butt to the party? 'Cause so far it's just me,Jasper,Melody,and two dorks that keep slapping each other's Boinks
[both laughing]
Henry/Kid Danger: I gotta go
Charlotte: Henry
Ray/Captain Man: Come on,Toddler. Let me down from this thing. (Groans) It's squeezing me in bad ways
The Toddler: No! And now,Captain Man,I have thousands of babies to monsterize. And to make sure that you don't try to stop me,I will now destroy you
Ray/Captain Man: You idiot. I can't be destroyed
The Toddler: I know that! But you can be dropped...
[screams]
The Toddler: ...Into my bottomless ball pit
Ray/Captain Man: Tod--Tod--Todd--
The Toddler: Toddler? Playtime is over,Captain Man
[evil laughter]
[ice cream truck song plays]
The Toddler: Wait. Listen. (Gasps) It's the ice cream man. Yay! Woo-hoo! I'll destroy you in a minute. Come on,fellas,ice cream man. I hope they have mint chocolate chip
Ray/Captain Man: Come on! (Grunts)
Henry/Kid Danger: Captain Man
Ray/Captain Man: Henry!
Henry/Kid Danger: It's Kid Danger. Now quick,how do I get you down from there?
Ray/Captain Man: I don't know. This is the first time I've been trapped in a baby bouncer over a bottomless ball pit. Try that lever
Henry/Kid Danger: Right
The Toddler: There was no ice cream truck. Who tricked me? And who's that boy near my lever?
Ray/Captain Man: That's my sidekick,Kid Danger
The Toddler: I didn't know you had a sidekick. Why don't I have a sidekick? I want a sidekick!
-You have us
The Toddler: Shut up. You're dumb
Ray/Captain Man: Uh,Kid Danger?
Henry/Kid Danger: Yeah?
Ray/Captain Man: Why don't you pull that lever?
Henry/Kid Danger: Oh,right
The Toddler: No!
Ray/Captain Man: Whoa!
The Toddler: Squish the boy. Get him! Get him!
Ray/Captain Man: Kid Danger,look out!
[sputtering]
-Aaaah!
The Toddler: Oh,my God,he's got my thing that goes sspppfft! Get him! Get him!
Jasper: Where's Henry?
Charlotte: I don't know,but I bet he's having more fun than we are
Oliver: Hello?
Sidney: Hello?
Oliver: Hello?
Ray/Captain Man: Use the truck
-Come here
The Toddler: Hey,I hate you!
Ray/Captain Man: There,you've been kicked
[groans]
Henry/Kid Danger: Cut the bands!
The Toddler: Look at you
Ray/Captain Man: Get him,kid
[grunting]
The Toddler: Give me back my spit pistol
[dance music playing]
[grunts]
The Toddler: Go on,get him! You guys are seriously the worst henchmen ever
Ray/Captain Man: Kid Danger!
The Toddler: You boys think you're so spiffy. Well,have a look at my bang bottle
Ray/Captain Man: Bang bottle?
The Toddler: That's right,and it's filled with explodey-juice
Ray/Captain Man: Kid Danger,get out of here
Henry/Kid Danger: I'm not leaving without you
Ray/Captain Man: But that ****** is flashing
The Toddler: No one leaves
[shouts]
[beeps]
The Toddler: Now,we're all gonna go boom together
Henry/Kid Danger: What do we do?
Ray/Captain Man: Push me that way
The Toddler: (in slow motion) No! No! Help me! Get me out! Ugh,these balls smell like feet and pee. Oh,this is it for me. I've been hoisted by my own petard
[both exhale]
Ray/Captain Man: The bang bottle!
Henry/Kid Danger: Oh,man! What do we do with this?
Ray/Captain Man: We give the baby his bottle
Henry/Kid Danger: Oh,good call
Ray/Captain Man: Hey
Henry/Kid Danger: What's up?
Ray/Captain Man: Hurry
Henry/Kid Danger: Oh,right
Ray/Captain Man: Kid Danger!
[rapid beeping]
[The Toddler screams]
Ray/Captain Man: Nice work,Kid Danger. You got skills
Henry/Kid Danger: Thanks,Captain Man
[cell phone beeps]
Henry/Kid Danger: Jasper!
Ray/Captain Man: Oh,yeah,you'd better get to that birthday party
Henry/Kid Danger: Right. Uh,Ray,will you do me a huge favor?
[grunting]
[barking]
Charlotte: They've been doing that for two hours
Jasper: My party's a flop. I'm just gonna go upstairs and sit in my closet with my cat
Ray/Captain Man: Pardon me...My man van broke down out there in the street,so I walked into this house and came down to this basement
Jasper: Holy chunks,you're--You're Captain Man!
Ray/Captain Man: Thank you
Jasper: You're my hero
Ray/Captain Man: Of course
Charlotte: Mine too
Charlotte: Um,I'm Charlotte
Charlotte: Hi,Mr. Cap--Mapton. I mean--(laughs)
Ray/Captain Man: That's enough
Charlotte: I'm so sorry
Henry: And,um,I'm Henry
Ray/Captain Man: Nice to meet you,Henry
Jasper: Hey,Captain Man?
Ray/Captain Man: Yes,a question
Jasper: Can I hit you in the head with a baseball bat?
Henry: Dude
Charlotte: Jasper!
Ray/Captain Man: No,no,it's okay. But remember,kids,never do this to anyone but Captain Man,because regular people could be badly injured
[screams]
Jasper: Wow!
Ray/Captain Man: I wasn't done talking
Charlotte: Did that hurt?
Ray/Captain Man: Yeah,but I'm okay. Well,I should call a tow truck to come pick up my man van
Henry: Or,it's my best friend Jasper's birthday party
Jasper: Oh,oh,yeah,yeah,it is
Charlotte: You can stay and party with us if you wanna
Ray/Captain Man: Will there be soup?
Jasper: I'll open a can
Ray/Captain Man: Then I'd love to stay and party with you guys
[both screaming]
Henry: Uh,Captain Man
Ray/Captain Man: Yes,boy
Henry: Would it be cool if Jasper texted a few friends from school and told them you're here at his party?
Jasper: Yeah,can I?
Ray/Captain Man: Sure,I love being used
Charlotte: Yay
Jasper: Wow,thanks! This is,like,the coolest thing that's ever happened to me
Ray/Captain Man: Are your hands always this sweaty?
Jasper: Yes,sir
Henry: He takes medicine for it
Ray/Captain Man: Well,it's not working
-Hey,Jasper,rockin' party
Jasper: Right?
-I can't believe you got Captain Man to come here
Jasper: Hey,we're buds,right,Captain Man? Aren't we buds?
Ray/Captain Man: We sure are,Billy
Jasper: Uh,that's just how we kid around. We call each other Billy. Back at ya,Billy
Henry: Okay. Okay. Kill the lights
'Happy,happy,happy,happy birthday' 'Happy,happy,happy,happy birthday' 'Everybody wants to wish you' 'A happy birthday'
Jasper: Muffins
Henry: Yeah
Charlotte: Well,make a wish
[all clamoring]
[all cheering]
Girl: Do it!
Henry: Okay. Flip on the lights
Boy: Happy birthday,Jasper
Boy #2: Way to go
Jasper: Hey,where'd Captain Man go?
-Yeah,Where's Captain Man?
Charlotte: He's gone
Jasper: Aw,why'd he leave?
Charlotte: He probably had to go do superhero stuff
Henry: And you did break a bat over his head
Jasper: Yeah
Henry: Hey,if it makes you feel any better,me and Charlotte got you something
Jasper: What?
Charlotte: Look
[gasps]
Jasper: You got me the bucket?
Charlotte: It's a barrel. Will somebody turn on the music?
[dance music playing]
Henry: So you happy with your party?
Jasper: Heck yeah. But for a while there I thought you weren't gonna come
Henry: Come on,man. I'm always gonna be here for you
[beeping noise]
Henry: I gotta go
Charlotte: Birthday boy!
[all cheering]
[beeping continues]
The End
[screaming]
[crashing]
[elevator dings]
[groans and exhales]
Henry: He's got to fix that elevator. Ray. Ray,you triple beeped me. What's the emergency? "Hey Henry. Put this watch on your wrist." Sure. What else would I put it on?
Ray: (on watch) Hiya,Henry
Henry: Oh! Ray?
Ray: (on watch) Yep. I'm hovering over your wrist in hologram form
[screaming]
Ray: (on watch) You poked my eye out!
Henry: Oh,I'm sorry. I'm sorry
Ray: (on watch) I'm just kidding. You can't hurt a hologram or a Captain Man
Henry: This is so cool. It's like we're in the same room
Ray: (on watch) We are
Henry: Where'd you...
Ray: Peek-a-boo
[screams]
Ray: Now,take off your old wrist band
Henry: Okay. Why am I...
Ray: From now on I'm going to contact you on your new whiz watch
Henry: So,what do I do with the old one?
Ray: Toss it up in the air
Henry: Why?
Ray: It's about to self-destruct
Henry: Oh
[beeping]
Ray: Hmm,that's weird. It was supposed to--
[clearing throats]
Ray: I see you're wearing pajama pants
Henry: Yeah. It's almost midnight. I was studying for this huge test I have tomorrow
Ray: What subject?
Henry: Puerto Rican history
Ray: Ah,Puerto Rico. Land of...
Henry: Puerto Ricans?
Ray: Right
[alarm wailing]
Ray: Uh-oh. What's up,Gooch?
Gooch: (on computer) There's a robbery in progress
Ray: Where?
Gooch: (on computer) At the 24-hour antique bottle shop
Henry: Glass From The Past?
Gooch: (on computer) Affirmative
Ray: On it. Shall we?
Henry: Let's blow some bubbles and fight some crime
Ray/Captain Man: Let's hit it,Kid Danger
Henry/Kid Danger: Fist
Ray/Captain Man: Up the tube
Henry/Kid Danger: Aw,my boot
Ray/Captain Man: Yell "up the boot"
Henry/Kid Danger: Up the boot! Ow!
Ray/Captain Man: Ha!
Shaft: Come on,bro,open up that cash register
Glass Store Owner: I'm going as fast as I can,boss
Shaft: Hey,give me that pretty lavender bottle 'cause it matches my motorcycle helmet
Glass Store Owner: Okay,okay
Shaft: You better bubble wrap that,chump
Glass Store Owner: Yes,sir. Yes,sir
Shaft: That ain't no good to me busted
Ray/Captain Man: Excuse me
Shaft: What the--
Glass Store Owner: Captain Man!
Ray/Captain Man: I hope you're planning to pay for that lavender bottle
Henry/Kid Danger: And I hope that,too
Glass Store Owner: Kid Danger!
Henry/Kid Danger: Yeah
Shaft: I ain't afraid of you
Ray/Captain Man: Try again. Keep your left arm straight. Strike three
Henry/Kid Danger: That was only two
Ray/Captain Man: Okay,don't correct me in front of the criminals
[grunting]
Glass Store Owner: Oh no!
Ray/Captain Man: You really want to fight us?
Shaft: Can I just fight the kid?
Ray/Captain Man: No,you can't just fight--
Henry/Kid Danger: Sure he can. Come on,tough guy
Shaft: Okay
Henry/Kid Danger: Hey,what are you--(muffled grunts) Oh,this smells so bad!
Glass Store Owner: No! Those are for display only!
Ray/Captain Man: Kid Danger,catch this golf club!
Henry/Kid Danger: Ow!
Glass Store Owner: You're not helping me!
Henry/Kid Danger: Captain Man,where are you?
Ray/Captain Man: Follow the sound of my voice!
Henry/Kid Danger: Marco!
Ray/Captain Man: Polo!
Glass Store Owner: Stop it!
Henry/Kid Danger: Marco!
Ray/Captain Man: Polo!
Glass Store Owner: Stop it!
Henry/Kid Danger: Marco!
Ray/Captain Man: Polo!
Glass Store Owner: Could you superheroes please just leave?
[groans]
Henry/Kid Danger: Marco!
Glass Store Owner: Oh no!
Ray/Captain Man: Kid Danger. Kid Danger. Kid Danger. Kid Danger
Henry/Kid Danger: Where is he? Did I get him?
Ray/Captain Man: Yeah,you got him
Glass Store Owner: My whole store is destroyed
Ray/Captain Man: No need to thank us
Glass Store Owner: Thank you?
Ray/Captain Man: You're welcome. Let's go,Kid Danger
Glass Store Owner: No! Nobody leaves until you boys clean up all of this broken glass
Ray/Captain Man: All right
Henry/Kid Danger: But I got to be up at 7:00 A.M for my test at school
Ray/Captain Man: This will only take us,like,five hours. I'll get you a broom
Sharona: Henry? Henry? Henry? Henry. Henry!
Henry: Whoa,what happened? Did you give me a wet willy?
Charlotte: Mm-hmm. It was real wet
Sharona: You slept through your entire test
Henry: I did?
Sharona: You all see this boy? This is what happens when you stay up all night on Twitflash and Twiddlegram
Jasper: Excuse me,Miss Shapen?
Sharona: What?
Jasper: Can I have a wet willy?
[theme music playing]
[door opens]
Jasper: Hey
Charlotte: Hey-hey. What are we watching?
Jasper: Natural Surgery
Charlotte: What is Natural Surgery?
Jasper: They do surgery,but with no anesthesia
Charlotte: No pain killers?
Jasper: None. See? That guy's getting a heart bypass
[man screaming]
Melody: Wicked
Charlotte: Hey Henry,come check out this show
Jasper: What's in the mug?
Henry: Coffee. To keep myself alive
Charlotte: No,no,no
Henry: What? Hey,bring that back
Charlotte: You're 13. You can't be drinking this much coffee after school
Henry: Charlotte
Charlotte: This mug is comedically large
Henry: But I need it
[TV turns off]
Jasper: What's the matter with you?
Henry: Nothing. I'm just...I got a lot going on
Jasper: Is it your hormones? Is your body changing,too? You been having weird dreams?
Henry: I haven't had any dreams because I'm not getting any sleep
Charlotte: I have the same dream all the time. It always starts with me getting a horse for my birthday,and then Jasper shows up,and then the horse kicks Jasper in the face
Jasper: But I end up being okay,right?
Charlotte: No
Kris: We're home. Henry come help me,please
Piper: Henry,come help your mother
Henry: What,what,what?
Kris: We got everything you need for you to make your chili balls for dinner tonight
Henry: Oh,no,no,no. I cannot make dinner tonight
Kris: We already bought everything. And it is your night
Piper: Make 'em spicy this time
Henry: Mom,seriously,I'm,like,so busy,I don't have time
Jasper: Hey,Piper
Piper: Oh,man,Jasper's here?
Kris: Piper,be nice
Piper: But Jasper's always here. It's not okay
Jasper: I'm going to the bathroom
Piper: Oh no,Mom. Jasper's going to use our bathroom
Kris: We'll be all right
Jake: Hey,everyone
Kris: Hi,honey
Charlotte: Hi,Mr. Hart
Jake: Charlotte
Piper: Jasper's in the bathroom
Jake: Ah,jeez
Piper: And Henry said he didn't want to make dinner
Jake: What? It's his night
Henry: I'm going to make dinner
Jake: Um,Henry,before you start...
Henry: What's up?
Jake: I got a call at work today from one of your teachers,Miss Shapen?
Henry: Wh--She called you at work? That's so rude of her
Jake: Apparently you fell asleep in class today and failed your Puerto Rican history test
Henry: Well...
Jake: Do you realize how important Puerto Rican history is?
Henry: Yeah. I'm sorry I fell asleep in class
Jake: Well,your teacher says it's been happening a lot. Falling asleep in class,not doing your homework
Henry: I know,it's...It's just kind of tough with school and my new job at Junk-N-Stuff
Jake: Well,if you can't keep your grades up,you're going to have to quit your job
Henry: I can't quit. My job's a really big deal
Jake: It's a junk shop. You sweep the floors
Henry: Miss Shapen said I can take a makeup test before school on Friday
Jake: I expect an "A"
Henry: You got it. I'll go upstairs and study right now
Jake: Hey,whoa,whoa. Hey,hey,hey. You study after you make the chili balls
Henry: But--
Jake: And make 'em spicy this time
Piper: Yeah!
Henry: Okay. Chili balls
Jake: Finally
Kris: Ah,ah,ah! Piper,no computers at the dinner table
Piper: But this morning I posted a comment and my comment has over 45 comments,so now I have to comment on the comments
Jake: I'm about to comment on you
Piper: What?
[watch beeping]
Henry: Uh,sorry,too tired to eat. Got to go to bed
Jake: More balls for us
[watch continues beeping]
Ray/Captain Man: (on watch) Henry,why aren't you on your way here?
Henry: Because I got in trouble for sleeping in class today and I had to make chili balls
Ray/Captain Man: (on watch) Chili balls?
Henry: It was my night
Ray/Captain Man: (on watch) Kid,there's been an escape from Swellview prison I need you
Henry: All right,I'll be there in 10 minutes
Ray/Captain Man: (on watch) Good. Run like a bunny
Henry: Okay. I just got to get my special gum. I can do this. I just...(shudders) Wake up. Wake up. Just got to stand up. And maybe...Just...Run like a bunny. Run little bunny
[watch beeping]
[grunts]
Ray/Captain Man: Henry!
[knocking]
Ray/Captain Man: Henry,open up!
[watch stops beeping]
Henry: Ugh,what is that smell?
Ray/Captain Man: I'm that smell
Henry: Wh--Captain Man? What are you doing here?
Ray/Captain Man: What are you doing here?
Henry: Huh?
Ray/Captain Man: I called you 90 minutes ago and I told you we had an emergency
Henry: Oh,right. I...I guess I fell asleep
Ray/Captain Man: (mocking) "I guess I fell asleep"
Henry: (sniffs) Ugh,why do you stink?
Ray/Captain Man: I stink because I just spent the last hour chasing three criminals through the Swellview sewer. You know what's down in the Swellview sewer?
Henry: Poop?
Ray/Captain Man: Poop!
Piper: (in the hallway) Henry! Hey!
[banging]
Henry: Oh,my sister
Ray/Captain Man: We have a lot to talk about
Henry: Just get--
Ray/Captain Man: Don't you push me
[screams]
Ray/Captain Man: I'm okay!
Piper: Who were you talking to in here?
Henry: (scoffs) Nobody
Piper: Mom!
Henry: Ah,geez
Kris: What is it,sweetie?
Piper: Henry was talking to someone in his room and now he says nobody's in here
Kris: Well,I'm sure if Henry said nobody was in here,then--(sniffs) Ugh! What is that smell?
Henry: Uh...it's Piper
Piper: What?
Henry: She hasn't had a bath in a week
Piper: That's a lie
Kris: Okay,come on,baby,we're going to go get you a bath
Piper: I don't need a bath! Mom!
Kris: It's just a bath
[screams]
Henry: Don't sneak up on me like that
Ray/Captain Man: You disappointed me tonight
Henry: I'm disappointing everybody. People should just call me "Kid Disappointment"
Ray/Captain Man: All right,well,just tell me what the problem is
Henry: Time. School. Working for you. My family. It's just...It's a lot to handle
Ray/Captain Man: Well...I do know a guy who could get rid of your family
Henry: What?
Ray/Captain Man: Kidding. I joke. I do know a guy. Oh! I think I can fix your problem
Henry: Really?
Ray/Captain Man: Meet me at headquarters tomorrow
Henry: I'm there
Ray/Captain Man: Hey. Who's this?
Henry: My mom
Ray/Captain Man: Nice. She...She still married to your dad?
Henry: Yes
Ray/Captain Man: She ever seem lonely or bored to you?
Henry: Go home,Ray. The picture,Ray
Ray/Captain Man: Yeah,all right
[bell rings]
Sharona: All right,class,everybody take your seats. Sit down. Sientense
Charlotte: Hey,have you seen Henry?
Jasper: Uh-uh
Sharona: Dang it,where's Henry Hart? Jasper?
Jasper: He's not here
Sharona: I can see that
Charlotte: Uh,Henry's home sick
Jasper: You said you didn't know where he was
Charlotte: Yes,but we know that Henry would be in school unless he was home sick or else he'll be in trouble
Jasper: Oh,right. Henry has hepatitis
Henry: Um...What's that thing doing?
Gooch: Scanning your brain
Henry: Oh,cool
Gooch: Take a deep breath. Now,go,"ooodle,ooodle,ooodle"
Henry: Ooodle,ooodle,ooodle
Gooch: No,you're off key. It's ooodle,ooodle,ooodle
Gooch & Henry: Ooodle,ooodle,ooodle...
Henry: Why am I doing this?
Ray: Relax,kid
Henry: I can't. I got a huge makeup test tomorrow and I got to study,and you guys are making me go,ooodle,ooodle,ooodle
Gooch: Oh,no,it's,ooodle,ooodle,ooodle
Henry: I don't care! I don't have time to relax
Ray: Exactly. Your only problem is a lack of time
Gooch: Imagine if you could do all your studying for school in only 30 seconds
Henry: How can I learn anything in 30 seconds?
Ray: With this. The cerebral data transducer. Or as we call it,the H.R.Z
Gooch: This device can transfer knowledge from a data source directly into your brain
Ray: At 90 million digibles per second
Henry: Why am I locked in a chair?
Ray: Do you want to get a good grade on your Puerto Rican math test?
Henry: History
Ray: Same thing
Gooch: Let us begin the procedure
Ray: Yeah,let's do it. All right. Now,I'll set the computer to acquire all the world's historical knowledge on Puerto Rico
Henry: Whoa,intense. But,uh,will this hurt?
Gooch: Yes,very much
Henry: What?
Ray: Power up
[groans]
Henry: Sweet! Wait,so,how will I know--Whoa,it hurts!
Ray: Just enjoy it
[screaming]
[groaning]
Ray: Well?
Henry: That hurt bad
Gooch: Yes,but tell us about Puerto Rico
Henry: I don't know anything about--Puerto Rico is a series of islands with a land mass of 3,5000 square miles and a population of 3.6 million people. It's glorious beaches and lush rainforests are the perfect setting for a wedding,bar mitzvah,or growing bananas. Oh. Whoa. I know Puerto Rico
Gooch: Indeed
Ray: You see? With this you can learn anything you need to know for school in a matter of seconds
Henry: Yeah. Wait. You think it's cheating?
Ray: Eh...No,not really
Gooch: It's a gray area
Henry: I guess. Anyway,I really doing this appreciate you for me
Ray: Uh-oh
Gooch: It's the side effects
Henry: What's side effects?
Ray: You see,after you use the H.R.Z.,when you talk,you might mix up your words for a few days
Henry: Well,you could have before that you told me
Gooch: The important thing is that now you're going to do well on your test
Henry: Yeah
[girl scream]
Henry: Why did I just--
Gooch: That's another side effect
Ray: Sometimes you'll scream like--
[girl scream]
Ray: A girl
Gooch: For a few days
Henry: Oh,so I'm a girl like a days for a few screams. Wait
[girl scream]
Ray: You guys want to get lunch?
Gooch: Yeah
Henry: What?
Sharona: And because the New Hampshirian soldiers were better equipped,the Vermont Army finally surrendered and fled the coconut plantations
Charlotte: Coconuts in Vermont?
Jasper: I drew a picture of me
[bell rings]
Sharona: Okay,everyone,get out. Out. Henry,may I see you?
Henry: Yeah,sure. What's up?
Sharona: Your grade
Henry: 100 I makeup test on my got? I mean...I got 100 on my makeup test?
Sharona: You answered every question perfectly
Henry: Awesome
[girl scream]
Sharona: That was inappropriate
Henry: I just got excited
Sharona: I'm proud of you,Henry. I'd give you a hug if it wouldn't get me fired
Henry: Thanks
Sharona: Have a good weekend
Henry: Too you
Charlotte: 100
Henry: Yeah,baby
Charlotte: Wh,wh,wh,wait
Henry: What?
Charlotte: Where were you yesterday? You weren't in class
Henry: I got to had somewhere
Charlotte: One more time?
Henry: I had...to go somewhere. Nailed it
[girl scream]
Henry: You later see
[girl scream]
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