[Lucas: Nine years old]

The hall was packed with people, next to none I knew. I saw Auntie Maggie and her family, and a few of mummy’s friends I’d met as they got me ready. But I was left alone with some little kids I didn’t know, being watched by adults I didn’t know. It made me really nervous.

“Excuse me?”

This little ginger boy cowered behind a teenager. Mummy had introduced me to the bigger boy, he one of my new daddy’s nephews. Peter, or maybe Patrick. Mummy said I needed to be nice to him. The ginger boy looked my age, but he wasn’t looking at me. His pretty green eyes were trained to his shoes.

“This is Rickard. Everyone calls him Ricky.” The boy smiled, “He doesn’t really talk much, and he’s shy, but he’s going to be your brother by the end of the day.”

Shy green eyes peaked up to me, and I tried to smile but that seemed to scare him too. I thought the older boy was doing Ricky a favour, but he ran first chance he got to the bridesmaids. And Ricky looked very unhappy.

[Ricky: seven years old]

He left me. Daddy told him to stay. So many people. Lots of people. Very loud. And this new boy. My new brother. But I don’t know my brother, I can’t trust him. He’s just like the noisy people.

Loud music, people stop talking but the music is loud. It has the power to make people quiet. My new mummy walks towards us, she made everyone quiet. I don’t want her to leave, she needs to stay so things stay quiet. The old man starts talking. Lots of people look at me, and I’m trying not to let it bother me. This is a happy day for daddy. It’s been a long time since he’s been happy.

Something touches my hand. It’s warm, trying to be comforting. I look to the hand holding mine and then up to my brother. He just smiled. His chocolate eyes were pretty. I tried to smile back, but I’m not sure if my mouth made the right shape. I didn’t smile much anymore. I just needed to get through this. Then daddy said I could miss the party and go home. So I held the other boy’s hand and tried to breathe. Like Dr Daniel taught me.

[Lucas]

Mummy said she was going home before the big party started. She was tired, and my new brother needed to go home. I demanded she stay. It was the party bit she was looking forward to, and I didn’t mind missing out to go home and look after Ricky. Helping him through the ceremony helped me get closer to him.

He was waiting in the back of the car when I climbed in and mummy told him I was taking him home.

“Now you two can get to know each other better. You’ll be best friends and brothers by the time daddy and I get home.”

Ricky didn’t say anything the whole way home. I was worried he’d abandon me after the car stopped moving because he was the first out. I rushed to catch up to him, almost tripping on the gravel as I got out. But he was by my door, keeping me steady.

He lead me through the house without a word, he didn’t say anything up the stairs or down the halls. He kept walking until we reached a play room. There were more toys than I could imagine, more than I’d even seen at school. Many weren’t even open. And he didn’t seem interested.

Ricky sat at a desk, with a sketchbook and pencils, leaving me to play with whatever I wanted. Before I could think to ask, I tore into the package of an action figure and started playing with all the little parts he came with. When I heard fast scratching of pencil on paper I looked up. I worried that he was upset over me playing with a brand new toy, but he was shading.

He handed me the paper. It was really really good, not a stick people drawing like I could just about manage, but also a proper family picture. I was so happy to see me and mummy smiling in his picture that I hugged him very tightly. Whenever mummy was happy with daddy, she gave him a big kiss. And Ricky deserved a big kiss.

“I want to be a good big brother to you,” I grinned.

I pulled him in for a noisy kiss, and the maids passing the room giggled at us. I asked him to play army men with me, but he shook his head and kept drawing. The maids came in to play, while he stayed on his own. But he seemed happy that way. And if he was happy, I was happy. I was happy to have a safe family.

[Ricky]

I didn’t want to talk to Dr Daniels about Lucas. Daddy and mummy had told her that I was getting along well with Lucas, and that he was the only person to hear my voice since...then.

Dr Daniels keeps trying to trick me into speaking, though she always says it’s okay that I don’t. ‘Sometimes, when we see or hear something traumatic and bad, we don’t know how to handle talking about it. That’s normal. But I’m here to hear you when you’re ready.’ Daddy brought her home two years ago, and she still visits once a week. But I’ve never said a word before, and I don’t want to talk about Lucas now.

My sweet new brother. I’d only said one thing to him, a week after the wedding. ‘Do you want to sit in the playroom with me?’ And Dad brought Dr Daniels to see me the next day. She wanted to know the games we played, Lucas would do something and I’d draw, then I’d let him colour some of my drawings. He really liked doing things together, and gave me kisses when he was happy. I asked why once, and he said mummy gave daddy kisses when she was happy. They were family just like us, so it must be something families do.

“Maybe talk to Lucas if you don’t want to talk to me,” Dr Daniels smiled, standing to leave. “Something bad happened to him too. Let me go get us some food.”

[Lucas]

I snuck in to see him the moment his doctor left the room. Mummy said something bad happened to Ricky’s other mummy, and he may have seen or heard something that scared him. Dr Daniels was his special doctor, she was working to heal his mind so he would talk. But he never did, not for two years. So she said I wasn’t allowed to interrupt.

But she wasn’t in there now.

Ricky was looking off into space when I came in. I wanted to bring a few pencils and his sketchbook. Drawing was what he loved to do most. He didn’t notice me until I was stood in front of him. I didn’t except him to say anything, not when this happened last time he spoke. But he did smile.

“I didn’t know how long you’d be here with her, so have these. I kinda want her to leave. I’m lonely without you.”

I frowned and left, passing Dr Daniels and mum on the stairs. Mummy looked unhappy, and I knew I was in trouble.

[Ricky]

I didn’t want to talk about what I saw. I didn’t want to talk about what mummy had said to me. But more than that, I didn’t want Lucas to feel lonely. I wanted him to be happy and give me kisses. So I needed to give Dr Daniels something.

I was scribbling when she came back, with my new mummy and Lucas behind her. He had tears in his eyes. I didn’t like that either. I wanted to hug him so he would smile, but Dr Daniels stood in the way.

“I know you want to play with Lucas, you’ve gotten very close, but we need to go through something before I can leave.”

I ran up to her with my picture and ruined red pencil. There wasn’t a point anymore. Her eyes studied my work and got bigger. My new mummy looked over her shoulders and gasped. She sank to knees next to me and hugged me. I wasn’t used to her yet, but she brought Lucas to me, so I tried my hardest for her.

Dr Daniels gave my picture to daddy too. And he cried. Lucas didn’t look like he understood, but I didn’t either. What bad thing happened to him? Why didn’t he tell me? Who is my new brother?

That night I creeped into his room. We’d played this game together once before. We used pillows and blankets to make a fort with his desk. He looked happy that I was there, but he didn’t know why.

“Dr Daniels said a bad thing happened to you, like what happened to me. I don’t talk because of it, but you talk. What happened with your old daddy? I’ll talk about my old mummy if you want.”

He seemed eager enough. He told me his mummy and daddy were married before he was born. She told him they had been happy before he lost his job. Without work, he spent his day drinking grownup juice and being angry. He shouted lots, and hit mummy sometimes. Lucas showed me a little circle bump on his arm that his daddy gave him when he smoked once. He said it hurt, but mummy saved him. His old daddy couldn’t hurt him now, so didn’t mind telling me.

“My other mummy never hit me. She was always really nice. I thought she was happy, that we were happy. But on her birthday, daddy helped me run her bath before work and the cook gave me cereal for her to have in bed. She told me she was sad in the bath. That her life wasn’t what she wanted, not daddy and not me. She was stuck and didn’t want to be. She used daddy’s razor on her arms where her bracelets went. She bled a lot, and daddy said she was dead before I’d got someone to help. She said she wanted me to stay and keep her secrets. So I don’t talk to grownups anymore.”

Nobody knew these things. I hadn’t planned to tell Lucas these things. They hurt, not like his little circle, but on the inside. My belly hurt, and I couldn’t breathe right. I didn’t notice when I started crying, but I was still sobbing when I finished talking. I cried whenever I remembered mummy.

Lucas gave me a hug, rubbing my back like our mummy had. It helped me breathe. He leaned back and looked at me. I really liked his chocolate eyes. They were warm. He kissed me, but now it seemed different. It lasted longer than the ones before, and he stroked my cheek while I shuffled closer. It was different this time, because this was the first time mummy caught us. And the last time we kissed for a long, long time.

[Lucas: eighteen years old]

It has been too long since I last saw my brother. And even longer since he last spoke to me. I think the last time we talked properly, was that night as children. The night he told me about his mum, and mum caught us kissing. She seemed worried. Now I’m older I understand, it was because I didn’t see the kiss as she did. I explained, and she warned us not to do it again. It wasn’t brother-ly.

The morning after I spoke to Robert. I repeated what Ricky told me, so he wouldn’t worry. Except then Ricky stopped speaking to me. I’d betrayed his trust, and even among seven-year-olds there’s such a thing as secrets. And I didn’t keep his.

We still played together, or I played and he drew, but we did it together. He just never spoke. Or shared his pictures. The one time we played with each other since that, he tried to kiss me when he was happy with his painting and I pushed away. Then that was it. Boarding school at 11 and never seen again. He didn’t come home at Christmas or any other time. Five years since I’ve seen him. Who is he now?

“Get ready, Ricky is coming home. Finally.” Mum grinned. “I want everything to be perfect.”

My dad just patted her shoulders, “Sandra, relax, we’ve all missed him. I’m sure he’s missed us.”

Not me. Letters to mum. Letters to dad. Letters to Dr Daniels. He even sent a letter to the maid in charge because she helped him draw. But none for me. His own fucking brother.

He was supposed to catch an afternoon train, so I could drive mum and dad to pick him up. I agreed. It would give me a chance to give him a piece of my mind when we were in the car alone. Mum and dad would get out at the petrol station and I’d lock him in to demand he explain shutting me out. He can not like me for sharing his secrets, but I’m his brother and he won’t ignore me. Not now or ever.

But he ruined that. Walked into the kitchen during breakfast. He’d caught an earlier train, wanted to surprise everyone without being a bother. Didn’t want to waste my fuel. As if he cared.

He looked different. He’d left a cute, quiet boy. Ginger hair to his shoulders, green eyes that were too frightened to look at you. A shy boy hiding behind a sketchbook like a shield, wearing designer clothes like a model of children’s wear. Now he was an edgy teen. His hair was short, dyed red at the ends. He looked me in the eyes when he greeted me, and everyone else. No sketchbook in his hands, maybe in his messenger bag. And he dressed like a film noir character, all black and grey even though they were still designer. Gothic, like the twilight-crazed vampire wannabes from high school.

“I’ve been called to the office.” Robert frowned, “I wanted more time. I’ll try to be quick.”

I never understood where his money came from as kid. The demanding life of being a top class lawyer. Always being called away, day or night, to hear about clients who insisted they needed the best for their cases. And that was him.

Mum needed to leave too, being paged to the hospital for a big emergency. She knew she wasn’t coming home for a while, surgeons had timetables as unsteady as lawyers. But it meant alone time with Ricky. He wasn’t trapped in a small space, like the car, where he was forced to listen to me. But it would do.

“Just you and me, Ricky.”

He stared at me. I searched for a hint to his thoughts. Happy to see me? Wanted to run away? But his eyes showed nothing. And then he turned away and left the dining room. I followed him through familiar corridors, the route we made as children to the old playroom. Though it was now my office, my silent sanctuary for studying. But I offered to hang out here. It would be the same, but more adult. I wouldn’t play with dolls. He said nothing, and he didn’t make a move to relax.

“Ricky, it’s been five years. I can’t take my eyes off you, so why can’t you look at me?” I scowled.

He shrugged.

That was it. He just shrugged. Didn’t give an explanation, or apology for shutting me out for years. This was all new to me, and I had a week with a younger brother to care for and keep me sane. Then I had nothing. I was nine years old, and I had nobody. Mum had Rob, and he had her. Rick was supposed to be my family, my support system. And he left first chance he got, like that cousin from the wedding.

He tried to leave the room, but I stood in the doorway. I wanted to know why I didn’t matter to him, why he spoke to everyone and had sent letter and looked so happy to see them, while he barely looked at me at all. I wanted my brother back, not a distant relative.

“You do matter.”

At some point, I’d started looking at the floor. It wasn’t his words that startled me, it was his voice. I looked to his face, trying to close off pain I didn’t see. His voice was tight, holding in what he could and trying to not acknowledge the things that slipped free. He looked into my eyes, pain and something deeper drowning in the green. He looked so desperate, but for what? I didn’t know. But not for long.

[Ricky: sixteen years old]

“You do matter to me. You matter the most to me. You have no idea how hard it’s been for me, not a clue.” I choked, holding back tears as best I could.

I confided in him about my mum, what happened before dad met Sandra. And he told everyone. I didn’t trust him anymore, I couldn’t talk to him anymore. Then he pulled away too.

“It was my fault for thinking you’d stay by me while I ignored you. Stupid thoughts of a child. But I couldn’t be around when you didn’t want me. So I left. You might have missed me for five years, but you don’t even know wants happened to me. I’m trying to be your brother, but it’s hard. So just leave me to it.”

I tried to get passed him. He was in such shock that I thought it would be easy to slip passed him. But he didn’t budge. I was taller than him, I could probably overpower him if it came to that. But I didn’t want to touch him, I couldn’t.

“You abandoned me. You were all I had, and you shut me off. Of course I’d think you don’t care. And crying about how hard it is to be my brother makes that point. I want to know about school, I want you to catch me up on five years worth of letters. Don’t bitch that I don’t know when you said nothing, just tell me.”

“You want to know why I shut you off? Because I had to.” I glared, “The boys in my class were thinking about girls. I was thinking about you. My best friend invited a girl to spend my fifteenth birthday with me, and it was the little kisses you used to give me that I thought of while she was on me. I’m still a fucking ****** because I’m the freak who wants to **** my step brother. I can’t send you letters without writing that I miss your lips. I can’t come home during summer because I can’t bare seeing you with all your fawning girlfriends. I can’t stand here talking to you about this because all I want is the contents of your desk on the floor because I’m using it study you.

“But you want a brother, you miss having that family support system, so I’m trying. I’m not using my height advantage to pin you to the door, I’m keeping my distance and being your brother because that’s what will make you happy. So yes, it’s hard to be your brother.”

“Rock hard.”

I tried to see what made him mock my pain, but his eyes were on my body. A particular part of my body. I refused to flee from his gaze, I was serious and I wanted him to know. I needed him to accept I felt like this, that I was here because it was the first holiday opportunity that he didn’t have a girlfriend. He needed to see the extent that I wanted him.

He peaked back up to me. I’d missed his sweet chocolate eyes, like warm freshly-baked brownies. They dragged me into their depths, drawing me forward like a magnet, connecting our lips before I could think to stop myself. And after that I couldn’t. I was his, and he was mine. And I needed a him more than anyone else. I loved him.