There is a widespread idiom in our region that goes like this If you dream big like a mountain, you may attain something like a mustard seed. Well, I found that absolutely bullshit. So I slightly changed it to If you dare to dream big, you must reach its peak and conquer it. Now that’s much better. If you ask what my dream is, yes, it’s to become a doctor. I have always dreamed of being a doctor, wearing a stethoscope and white coat, treating patients, and being respected by others... It’s my dream life. My biggest supporter is my father. Do you know what he tells about me to the villagers?

"Dei, Sundarmani, What is your youngest daughter doing in the field with a sack?"

"Huh! She is catching frogs... pa."

"What? why is she catching frogs? does your house run out of rice?" hahaha...

"Aye, brainless fool! She is catching frogs for her science class, you won’t understand even if I tell you. you have never seen school steps... My daughter is first in her class and going to be a doctor, you wait, till you see my daughter in doctor’s coat, and you will beg her to treat you"... Haha...

My father will proudly speak about me in front of others who questioned me and my freedom and he allows me to do whatever I wish to do. Do you know what he calls me?

"Appa... tell me again, who am I to you?

"You are my Singakutti, (lion cub)my strong goddess"... Hahaha... He laughs while saying this and patting my head. I love to hear him say it, so I ask often. But my mother, on the other hand, is eager to rear me like my sister and herself, into an ideal traditional South Indian housewife.

"Sathya... fool! Look here, you put chilly, garlic and ginger next... see... try to learn from your sister.”

"Sathya... wash those clothes neatly, the collars and armpit part, then move to the wrist, this is how you wash a man’s shirt, and for veshti, (white lungi/dhoti) and lungi, soak it in soap water. Understood, stupid girl! I am sure your future in-laws will send you back with a mountain full of fusses. They will only blame me. Oh, ishwara!"(oh God!)

"Sathya, girls don’t sit like that" "Sathya, girls don’t wear shirts" "Sathya, girls don’t go out and play with boys" "Sathya, don’t walk around while you are on your period" "Sathya, learn from your sister and watch Aiyer’s daughter, how obedient and polite."

She yells Sathya more than a crow screams its own name*. My Amma is the only person who calls me a fool or idiot or stupid, while others address me as the topper in my school and brightest in my village. Well I guess, it’s her own right, like from the moment she gave birth to me, a birthright. Then there is my sister, my sweet and kind sister. She is the beauty of our village. She graduated from teacher’s training and worked in the nearest school as a science teacher. I hate to say this but she is kind of equal to me when it reaches to intelligence.

"Equal-aa? I‘m above your average brain. I clearly scored more than you in my school days. my stupid little sister." Whenever she says that she pulls my cheeks out, which is painful but I like that, It’s adorable.

And this is my family, I’m Sathya Sundarmani and just turned 18, today I passed my pre-degree in science with distinction. My father Sundarmani is a farmer who owns paddy fields and coconut plantations. My mother Maariyamma is a housewife. And my sister Suriya Sundarmani, who is 5 years older than me, works as a teacher. We had a brother between me and my sister, he was born with a weak heart and passed away when I was only six.

I guess I have to start my new adventure, pursuing my big ambition and conquering it. However, life is a giant entrance exam, we need to pass each phase to proceed to the next, so what will be my next exam, is unknown.

*Crow makes the sound Ka...Ka...Ka, and it is called Kakai/Kakam in Tamil

Dawn in my village looks more gorgeous from the top of the Ayyan mountain. The valley of Ayyan Mountain is filled with paddy fields and coconut plantations. Our village is on the borders of Kerala and Tamil Nadu, so the beauty is inexpressible. I have so many friends in my little village and I love to explore with them since my childhood. The school I and my sister and all the children in my village went to is at the end of our village, it kind of connects two villages.

"Dei, Sathya, did you hear the song from that new film? Narumugayee..... Narumugayee..... Nee oru naaligai nillaai (Song from movie Iruvar) Oh! it’s so good. I loved the heroine, what’s her name? The one with blue eyes? She was pretty, huh! Aishwarya Rai, I think,” my best friend Durga said while chewing her guava fruit.

"Yes, I heard it on the radio yesterday. It’s so sweet to listen to, but is it a good film? Did you see it?" I asked her excitedly because I fell in love with that song immediately. These days films and music are so good.

"No, my mama(uncle) watched it in the theatre. He said he became a fan of that heroin but the cinema is not for us. I don’t know why he said that, but something political and in the news it's making so many issues. I am kind of jealous of him liking the heroin. but he is true, she is beautiful from the posters. I am sure she will become so famous one day.” Durga said frowning her lips.

"You are jealous because your mama likes the heroin, whom he will never meet in his life,” Hahaha... I burst out laughing after hearing her reason. Well, I can’t blame her, she has been raised just to marry that mama. We have a tradition, which I hate the most, family forces girls, who reach adolescence, to marry their mother’s brothers. Durga and her mama have 8 years difference but they are in love since high school. I don’t think I can ever love someone who is so older than me. It’s outrageous. I am lucky that my Amma only has sisters.

"Huh! Sathya, I heard from my father that Suriya Akka(elder sister) is getting married soon,” she asked suddenly while coating her guava in the chilly salt powder.

"Yes, she is already 23, my Amma (mother) says it’s unusual for a girl to stay unmarried that long, I don’t see why but my Appa (father) is ok with it and he mentioned an alliance yesterday. I think they are coming to see her next week,” I smiled.

"You are lucky, Sathya, I envy your parents.” She bit the part of the guava garnished with chilly salt powder and closed her one eye as it the after-effect and inhaled a bag of air to cool down.

"Aama(yes), that’s why I'm so lucky,” I knocked lightly on her head with my fingers and then stared down at the village. We both loved to eye the scenery of our village laying at the foot of Ayyan mountain like it was a beautiful anklet, from the top. To stand on top of this mountain feels like the sky is a little closer to me, that I can touch it one day.

"Sathya, di (hey), You will also get married soon, right? Mine will be in 3 months after our pre-degree graduation. Then we can’t see each other like this. Even if Mama lives here, he says, move to Madras(Chennai) after marriage,” Durga rests her head on my shoulder holding my arm. I felt sad after hearing it. Isn’t painful and unequal, I thought. Why do only women need to obey all the rules and traditions harshly while others are ok if men don’t? It doesn’t make any sense. I hated this kind of tradition, humming to her question, I gently patted her head.

"If you don’t want to marry, tell your family that and I am not going to marry now or later, I maybe think about it after becoming a doctor," I grinned at her comically, dancing my brows.

"You are not a girl, you should have been born as my man. I would have surely pursued you singing... uyire... uyire... Vanthu ennodu kalanthhuvidu"... (song from movie Bombay) hahaha... she laughed after singing the song imitating Aravind Swamy. It makes me feel joyful, to see her relishing life like this. I am scared, about her married life and about my future. "Vaadi (come)... sing with me.” She stood holding me in her arms and circling like the main lead of a film, dancing under that banyan tree.

"Kaadhal irundhaal endhan kannodu kalandhuvidu…” I began singing along with her. Living and enjoying the moments of freedom for her, making lovely memories that she can recall when she leaves me, leaves this village.

Days passed by. The mappilai who came to see my sister was not suitable for her after that two more came. Amma and Appa didn’t like the first and me and my sister didn’t like the second. Today, I turned 18 years old and tomorrow is my graduation. I am enthusiastic about my new life, hunting for my ambition, striving for my dream, my future, I am coming.

"Sathya, stop moving your head. I can’t apply oil correctly. Your hair started growing, you have to take care of it more from now on, ok." My sister while applying oil to my short hair, scolded me.

"It’s not my fault; Appa is to blame, he is the one who offered my hair at Tirupati (referring to Sri Venkateswara Swamy temple, Tirupati, Andhra Pradesh) for good yield in his farming,” I said forming lips and brows curved down.

"Oh! I understand-ma, don’t bite my head, stay still,” she massaged my head and honestly said, this is the best feeling in the world. I can sleep like Kumbhakarana when she does it.

That night, while having dinner Appa talked about another marriage alliance for my sister. This time I was the one who is more excited because the mappilai is a doctor in Kerala.

"That’s a very good alliance, how did you find it?" asked my Amma, obviously more excited than me.

"Do you remember that marriage broker from Chennai, I met in the last market season? I saw him today at the market again, and he told me about this groom. He said, the groom’s father died long ago and he only has a mother, and no siblings. They are a very prestigious family in Madras. His mother was pushing him to marry, he is a little aged but a good and kind man and a Doctor. His name is Dr Balakrishna Chandrasekhar. Powerarikaale (isn’t it powerful)?" Appa remarked proudly, while mine and Amma’s faces lit up bright like a happy sun and eyes glowed like stars. My Amma was thrilled about the fact that her daughter is going to get married to someone respected by others and me, on the other hand, was happy because I can learn how to become a doctor from him. So I and Amma started convincing my sister of our happiness, selfishly.

Then the day came. The day groom and his family visit our house to see our family and the bride. My Amma urged me to wear a half-sari, while my sister was adorned in a traditional podavai (sari) and ornaments with beautiful jasmine flowers on her hair. She already looks like a bride. I glanced at the mirror and observed myself from head to toe, short hair, dark complexion, masculine look, appearing funny in a half-sari, can’t help it, I got my Appa’s genes more while my sister got our Amma’s. She looks like a devathai, (goddess) I look like my Appa. I sighed it off then helped my sister get ready.

"Mappilai’s family is here" We heard someone yelling from outside the house. I went to take a glimpse of the groom with Durga.

I and Durga gazed out the window at the groom and his family as they arrived in a white ambassador car. Our eyes scoured the crowd for the groom.

"Dho! (there!),” Durga pointed her finger at someone.

"Mappileya? (Is it groom?)" I asked her, glancing in the direction she pointed.

"Illai (no) his mother I think,” she replied with a grin.

"Kalutai! (donkey!) Who needs to see Akka’s mother-in-law, I want to see the doctor Mappilai," I said keenly.

"Then let’s watch from the door side, he will sit in front with his mother, right?" Durga responded by eating a laddoo (a sweet) off the tray that passed by, smiling with her mouth full of laddoo.

"You are not that much Kalutai after all," I happily patted her shoulder and headed to the front hall entrance. Everyone took a seat. They began conversing about family matters, something I am not interested in. My gaze was drawn to the person seated next to my Akka’s prospective mother-in-law. He is the one. He is the groom.

He’s a little older, but not like the elder people I know. He’s rather handsome. He stands taller and is dressed in a crisply pressed shirt and trousers. His beard and moustache are fading black and white, and his hair is combed backwards. He has a gentle and calm demeanour. His smile is also kind. As expected from a respected doctor, I want to be like him. I‘m thrilled to be meeting him, and he’ll soon become family. As Durga says, I may be the luckiest girl in the world. They called my sister out as I and Durga were observing them from inside, simply sticking our heads out like tortoises. As he peered inside the home, the groom noticed our heads and made a surprised expression with a tiny grin. Durga withdrew her head inside when she saw the groom’s smile, but I waved my hand to him. His grin widened slightly as he returned the wave. Suddenly, my Amma towed me back since I was blocking the path, and we proceeded to the hall with my Akka and others. I took a seat next to my Appa with Durga.

"Ma, what’s your name?" Groom’s mother asked my Akka.

"Suriya Sundarmani,” my Akka responded graciously. The entire interview process was tedious. Both families competed in glorifying the bride and groom. I glanced at the groom who was simply smiling at others. He had a tired expression as if he wants his mother to stop telling his heroic hospital stories. I want to laugh so badly at his expression at the same time I feel bad. Whenever our eyes met I smiled widely at him, and he returned that grin.

"Sundarmani, we like your girl and we like to proceed with this alliance, what do you say?" the groom’s mother inquired.

"We are also happy with this alliance, let’s proceed with it,” my parents, Akka, and others were all pleased, but I was the happiest of them all. Following that, they exchanged wedding agreements, and my family hosted them for a feast. The wedding was set for one week since the groom couldn’t take any longer leave.

"Dei, Where are you going?" Durga inquired as I dragged her through the halls. I was looking for the groom because I wanted to ask him a lot of questions. Finally, I spotted him outside with my Akka, chatting about something. We approached them.

"This is Sathya, my younger sister and Durga our neighbour and her best friend.” We were introduced to the groom by Akka. He gave us a warm grin. Amma’s voice halted me as I was going to question him about obtaining a doctor’s degree.

"Mappilai, Suriya... come inside and have food. Everyone is waiting for you,” that’s how I blew my chance. But that’s okay since he’ll be my brother-in-law and I’ll be able to chat with him a lot. We all sat down after they left our place and chatted about how kind and courteous the groom is. My Amma liked him better than my Akka. I didn’t notice any joy or enthusiasm on Akka’s face, her smile doesn’t have her usual energy; I think she was bashful.

Days have passed, and Akka’s wedding is in three days. I obtained my pre-degree college mark list and certificates and opted to take the admission tests for various medical institutions. My teacher assisted me in selecting reputable institutions. Madras Medical College was, of course, my top choice. I started preparing for college admission tests.

"Sathya, put your hand on my waist and another hand on my jaw, ok. When the song starts we will move in a circular direction. Remember you are a male King,” I and the children in our village are rehearsing a musical drama for our temple festival under the direction of Durga. It’s the day before Akka’s wedding. Because weddings are generally held at the bride’s home, Akka’s groom and his family are arriving a day before the wedding.

"Dei, don’t decorate clumsy, make sure everything is tight and clean,” my Appa is occupied with house decoration works.

"Suriya, show Athai (aunt) your ornaments and podavai,” My Amma and Akka are busy presenting aunties’ jewellery and wedding dresses. I‘m not sure why I’m feeling this way, but Akka doesn’t appear to be pleased. Maybe I'm overthinking things. She must be nervous; after all, it is her wedding.

............................................

Dhushyantha: Shy lotus, don’t worry about your elders! Your father understands the law, and he will find no wrong in what you’ve done. Besides, you wouldn’t be the first royal sage’s daughter to fall in love with a prince and subsequently earn her father’s approval.

Shakunthala: My Prince, please let me depart; I need to seek the advice of a friend.

Dhushyantha: Yes. I shall release you...

Shakuntala: When is it?

Dhushyantha: When will I, like a bee, lick the bud of your lovely lip and load my thirsting lips with nectar?

Dhushyantha raises Shakuntala’s face to kiss her, but she avoids him and begins dancing to the music.

……………………………

We performed our Shakuntala Musical Drama on the wooden stage in front of our temple. Everyone started cheering. My family, as well as Akka’s groom’s family, arrived for tomorrow’s wedding and admired our performance.

"My singakutti, you were amazing on the stage. I am proud of you,” Appa hugged me after our drama.

"Sathya, you are a very talented actress,” The doctor-groom praised me.

We explored the little shops opened for the festival. But my Akka was nowhere to find also my Amma.

"Appa where is Amma and Akka?" I asked my Appa

"Akka has to get ready early in the morning right, so they went back home. She needs to get some sleep,” he replied.

That night was sleepless. The moon shone brightly even though it was only half and stars accompanied him. Elders gathered outside the home and chatted about the good old days over tea and some, alcohol. Women gossiped in the kitchen. Inside the home, my cousins and I discussed new films and celebrities. My Akka went to bed early, or so everyone assumed.

All of us awoke in the morning to horrible news. My Appa lowered his head in shame for the first time, my Amma’s weeping resonated throughout the house, and people around us began talking to one another.

"This is absurd! Are they mocking us?”

“The bride eloped with another person.”

“What is the meaning of this?”

“Is the marriage cancelled then?”

“We came all the way here to have an alliance with such a dishonoured family". Elders from the groom’s family began humiliating us

My Akka ran away with someone, leaving behind an apology note. On Durga’s shoulders, I sobbed. I was devastated and enraged with my sister.

"What are you going to do, Sundarmani? You definitely heard the priest’s remark, my son will not find a wife if he does not marry before the age of 33. How are you going to deal with this? We believed you and came this far. You have betrayed us,” Groom’s mother blamed Appa for everything that occurred. My Appa remained silent. I could feel his heart breaking and tears welling up in his eyes. Why should I do that? I felt helpless.

"This is what you get when you don’t adequately raise your girls.”

"Such a Shameless act. What a bold girl and she calls herself a teacher.”

"This marriage is cancelled, I feel sorry for the groom.”

"What a disgraceful family"

Their words wounded our cores. Nothing could be used to defend it. We were vulnerable. Then, all of a sudden, one of the elders stepped forward.

"You people are unpredictable, and it is the bride’s fault. They are as startled as we are. This is not the time to blame each other. We need to find a solution. We still have time. Can’t we seek another option? It’s right in front of our eyes. Sundarmani has another daughter of marriageable age, correct?” He proposed loudly in front of everyone.

The entire house fell silent in stunned quiet. My body and voice went numb; I couldn’t move or talk. Those eyes are targeting me. I was as still as a doll. My body felt as if it had been shattered into bits, and my dreams departed. What is this?

- Litchart (Shakuntala quotes and explanations) (courtesy)