The snow pours down  to the point coldness is everywhere and not an ounce of warmth. Winter feels eternal like my cold heart searching for sunlight on these cloudy days. Some people are like icebergs; they reveal their true selves gradually, needing warmth and light to truly open up to the world around them. I have happiness surrounding me but I feel none, I have caring individuals by my side but I still feel a sense of loneliness. I’m as hopeless as a lost puppy looking for their owner. Why am I so depressed? Why does my soul feel nothing but numbness? Thoughts wander through my mind, though slowly I notice a red fox searching for its prey. As that fox continues to search for its prey it gradually finds it a squirrel. The way the squirrel ran and ran but it was no match for its hunter, as the prey always gets caught. And just like that fox, my mind searched for hidden memories, locked away in the deepest of my soul. The memories of my abuse From my fresh childhood to my early teens at fourteen. Even as a twenty-one-year-old adult, that trauma follows me like an annoying  mosquito pestering me all day and night, when I’m trying to enjoy moments of peace I can not due to that pesky mosquito. I’m not as bothered as you think, I feel nothing and I mean it is nothing but numbness. Every day, I live with no meaning and no emotions of sadness or happiness, I patiently wait for the day of demise.

I slowly enter my apartment returning from my walk, but to my surprise, a young girl with short hazel hair wearing a red beanie and a cozy orange puffer jacket is sitting outside my apartment. I sigh trying to think what to say, but then I notice this young girl was asleep while shivering and looking awfully pale. I crouch down to her eye level and put my hand on her forehead, checking if she has a potential fever. And in my horror, she does, for a certain reason I feel drawn to this young girl. I'm worried, which is unusual considering I don’t give a damn about others. I perceive myself as a cold person bound to lose all emotions that are hanging on a thin line. Oh, my days, what am I thinking? This is an innocent child though despite my need of wanting to help, I don’t know how to. I glance to my sides looking for possible solutions, there’s not much I can do so I slowly nudge the young girl gently.

“Are you okay?” I ask, trying to make my voice seem nicer and softer so the child doesn't feel intimidated. For a bit I receive no reply, so I try to nudge her softly once more but nothing, I sigh as I look down at the glossy floor then slowly up at her. In my horror, I see tears tumbling down her soft skin.

“Mum- Mummy.. I don't know what I did.. but p- please stop hi- hitting me” The young girl whispers in her dream. My eyes widened as I tumbled down on the glossy floor. I stayed there frozen, not being able to move an inch. I couldn't take action, so time took action for me.

“What the hell do you think you're doing with my kid?!” A tall woman appearing to be in her late twenties or early thirties appears in front of me screaming, while holding onto her cigarette.

“Is this your child?” I asked while avoiding eye contact.

“Yeah, so why the hell are you with MY CHILD?!” The lady exclaimed while awaiting an explanation from me. As soon as she admitted herself of being her mother, my eyes darted straight at her.

“Your kid was outside my apartment. So why the hell are you letting your child wander out in such weather conditions without gloves!” I called out while trying to maintain my temper as my eyes turned to the young girl. Her hands look so cold. Without any other thought, I slowly grab her palms trying to warm them. Though shortly I was left astonished, as I looked at her palms there were purple bruises… I try to maintain my calm as memories flood through my mind of my past abuse.  My parents would throw me into a cold frigid bath filled with ice, the coldness embraced my skin with numbness as my father pulled my hair, pushing my body further into the icy waters. It was their way of suppressing my bruises from the world, thus no one could doubt them as abusive. It was a cruel exchange where visible pain was traded for numbness and coldness starting from my hands. Her cold hands infected my body like a disease with its freezing temperature spreading its incurable disease to my soul, heart, blood, and mind till I was nothing but numb with coldness and the pain of my memories from my past that I thought was locked up somewhere in the back of my mind.

“What- Whatever, I’ll let you off this time.” The mother says as she trembles at her words. She knows that I know. The mother comes forward ready to take her child.

“What a nuisance…” She whispers under her breath before she kneels to her daughter's eye level and slaps her. I was left speechless as I clenched my fists, trying to utter something but just can’t.

“WAKE UP DARLINGGG!” She screams in her daughter's ear very passive-aggressively. The poor daughter jumps up due to fear. My heart aches in agony. As I see a young girl much like me in front of me, enduring the same cruel past I encountered. The trauma still lingers in the back of my mind to this day. I wish someone did something to help me… but I had no one but myself so I had to help myself. I would rather have a million needles pricking my skin at once or scooping out my eyeballs.  Anything to quit observing this insufferable scene filled with a river of nostalgia. As tears swell in the young girl's eyes as she forcefully gets up, we make eye-contact for a mere second. Though that simple glance felt like an eternity containing a roller coaster of aching emotions and misery. No words had to be said, nothing, no signals- just mere eye contact I could see her emotionless gaze, seeking a savior from the depths of hell.

(The mother and daughter leave). I stand there staring at nothing but the glossy apartment floor in absolute regret. I wanted to scream, I wanted to help… I wanted to do something at least… Anything. But the hard pill to swallow is that I did nothing again, I’m as useless as I was 9 years ago. Years ago, I trusted others to share about my struggles, I thought they cared… I thought they were my friends but even the word ‘friends’ has end in it. I shared to my best friends about my abuse and my scars that I got from my parents. And the next thing I knew I was called names by my supposed ‘friends’ after a disagreement.

“LOOK KAYLEE! CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP YOUR FREAKING NOBODY, NO ONE EVEN LIKES YOU… NOT EVEN YOUR OWN PARENTS!” My best friend at the time sputtered in hate towards me. We had an argument over how my best friend; Mira, changed for the worse and started smoking. I cared for Mira, more than anything or anyone so I wasn’t going to stand there watching her, destroy herself to seem ‘popular’ or ‘cool’ just to be liked by others. Though, when you clench so much on others’ problems, it no longer is their problem but yours. Ha! I guess it’s really true isn’t it? You really do see your ones’ true colors in moments of raging anger. Though I was wrong, I assumed she just said that in pure anger without thinking. How could I stupid could I be? Mira meant EVERY WORD of that, she changed… for the worst, but I still hold a large portion of gratitude towards her. For teaching me a lessons’ that I’ll carry all the way to the depths of my grave. From Mira I learnt; firstly, was to never ever open up to anyone no matter whom it was, as everyone is temporary and destined to leave. Can you blame them though? It’s human nature wanting to exploit one for their own benefits. Humans, we are cruel creatures, our skins dry when there is no drama to consume. We find pleasure in one's misery, as a loss for one is another joy. Your misery is someone's victory just like how your victory is someone’s misery.  Secondly, eternal love and friendship, that doesn’t exist. For it to be eternal must it be forever. In the concept of eternal love, you must understand that arguments do not exist nor can you despise them for even a slight second. That my friend, you can search high above the skies or beneath the seven seas but you’ll never find eternal feelings of love. Us humans are very emotional beings, feeling a vast amount of emotions.  Isn’t that beautiful? Thus, I do not agree on the concept of eternal love or friendship. Thirdly; people change. PEOPLE CHANGE. People change in themselves, phases arise and they find another part of themselves. Perhaps it could be as simple as a hobby or a new interest, or a huge part of them changes. It’s like losing a piece from a puzzle, it takes forever to find it or maybe you won’t even find it. It's human nature, wanting to grow and change to experience life in a different way. And lastly, the most valuable lesson I’ve learnt; to never open up and bottle up my emotions. It's gotten to the point that I feel nothing but numbness, honestly I don’t feel anything. For normal people in society that may appear as awful and they’d simply pity me. Though for me it's the best event to occur in my life, yes I may be considered heartless but isn’t it better to have a heart of steel than have a soft one? Emotions made me weak, opening up ruined my life. That’s something I refuse to let happen again.

I still remember as clear as glass crying my eyes out, my hands shivering as the cold snow pours tumbles upon me. My best friend Mira and her gang were throwing snowballs at me one after another. They stripped away my jacket, my gloves and my beanie. I was freezing ill, though did anyone do anything? Absolutely not, everyone minds their own business in this world even my so ‘caring’ teachers who swore against bullying witnessed the very thing they quoted to ‘despise’. Bullying is torture, it doesn’t necessarily mean receiving punches, bullying comes in many forms. I experienced a vast majority of them, ranging from mental to physical.

“Ay Kaylee! Put on your hotspot, yeah?” Mira demanded from me passive-aggressively, with a tense expression awaiting for me to do as she pleased.

“I'm kinda saving mine to do homework, as um I don’t have you know wifi at home…” I whispered softly so only Mira could hear. She rolled her eyes and smirked.

“Bitch. You're going to let me and my friends connect to your hotspot or else… You don’t want your little secret out right?” She scoffed as she looked me up and down with a smirk slowly forming on the corners of her lips. My eyes widened in shock as I stood there speechless for a moment, slowly my eyes drifted to the corner of the room wondering what to say. Mira suddenly puts her hand on my shoulder and slowly tightening her grip. Once again I just stood there as if I saw a ghost. As my eyes stayed glued gazing at the corner of the room, I saw a pen slowly fall down from the pen holder. That sudden motion snapped inside of me bringing back to reality and I took a deep slow breathe before saying my words.

“Quit blackmailing me you stupid bitch.”