I'm someone who doesn't care about life much... Just living is okay for me even if I die... I don't think it will make any change... But somehow, after someone entered my life I don't think like that anymore. I'm scared I don't want to die anymore. I don't want to leave that person behind nor do I want him to leave me. He is someone I care about. I know I'm not the ideal partner... I never did something great or made him proud of me.
I always think I'm more like a burden on him, he takes care of me so well that, I sometimes think God sent him to me knowing I won't be taking care of myself. I don't love myself, I'm selfish though, I mean if something is mine it's mine, nobody else can have it. And same goes for him, he is mine, I don't want others to have him, even look at him.
I remember when one of my friends praised him saying he is so sweet, always takes care of me, and always does whatever I want him to do. I was giving my friend a side eye. Well that time was quite different he didn't mean much to me, even though we were already engaged, he was someone I had to live my whole life with, I didn't care much about him.
You can say I was selfish or heartless, and that's true, I won't argue with that. I never cared about other people except my family, and... Maybe that's still the case. He is my family now, I mean officially and since that's the case, I somehow started loving him, I don't even know when it happened I started relying on him more and more. When I was single, I was in pain... I mean a headache or stomachache I never told my parents I'm not feeling well.. I didn't want them to worry.
But now things have changed. If I'm not feeling well I just call him out of nowhere saying where are you, when will you come home, please come early today, I want you here with me. And sometimes when I can't sleep, he becomes my pillow, my teddy, someone I can hug. Forget to tell you I don't like physical touch, again my family is an exception specially mom, dad not siblings who would even sleep with them.
I don't even know why I'm writing all this today. Is it because I'm not feeling well and he isn't with me right now. He left a while ago, he has a lot on his plate, a busy man I must say. I love him a lot, I wish I could say this to him, well in my case it will take me quite some time as I'm not that expressive. I already miss him, when will he be back.
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