I am going write everything that I couldn't say to people because I was scared, or I was afraid they will misjudge me but instead of writing here I wish I could say to their face. I don't even know how to start, or maybe I am even scared saying this here, but I want to be the main character of my own story at least for once. While being a main character in my own story I might forget I also did so many things wrong in life and treated people unfairly so many times.

So I want you to always remember sometimes it's not about how you treated people, but how they felt. I am telling you this because I have always been hearing people say how they have treated people so nicely and they betrayed them but never heard anyone says that I mistreated them even they have and as human beings I can understand I mean we all have done that once in our lives, and you know you did wrong but you never apologize or consider saying out loud even tho it might make you feel guilty cause believe me I have done many times I already feel like selfish because I always considered my feelings but never bother to think what others might feel.When I feel sad or heavy I distance myself from people never considering what they might feel if I suddenly disappeared and assuming to myself that they won't care if I am not around there anymore, but then I again think what if I am making things to my mind and nobody cares, what if I am long gone, and they never realized and what if nobody cares about me. But again I ask myself do I care about myself like I care what people say if I do something wrong, or I disobey them and my answer was always no I never care about myself. Even tho I knew I was going to be hurt, but I choose to be silent even after knowing that I am being mistreated, and they were only using me, but I didn't care because I thought I had some amazing people who support me through all the times and love me.

But how can somebody love me when I don't even like myself. I let myself be mistreated and expect someone to love me now I question myself and laugh how can I be so dumbass, how can I be so blind not seeing the things back then how can I be so idiot to believe in those words may be back then I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid what people will think about me, but now I don't care because they also don't care about me, we only live once how can I waste my life on that knowing I was born to be me, so I let me to myself now I want to be better and happy like I used to be I want to laugh again like I used too do even knowing that maybe I couldn't be same me as before cause now when ever I laughed i feel some empty inside my heart I feel like something is missing from my heart I feel like their is a big hole in my heart which I can never fix and I want to fix it desperately I don't want to feel this feeling ,i don't want to overthink everything I want to be happy again