AELLA

I hate going to church, I think it is a building filled with judgemental humans who constantly think they are superior beings. The church bell rings again, startling me for the third time in two hours. The bell reminds me of my misfortunes, Mama always made sure I chanted them for hours when I failed to recite a particular scripture or misbehaved. Mama was a religious fanatic.

I roll my eyes when Mrs. Agatha wails and rolls on the floor. Her daughters kneel beside her and cry too. One could easily mistake them for the deceased family. Her daughters Pearl and Diamond look like dolls today, dressed in a hot red gown and pink heels, I pity people who sacrifice their comfort for fashion. Mrs. Agatha was Mama's favourite human; her daughters to my mama were a perfect example of God's creation. I try to hide my laugh when Mrs. Agatha rolls and hits her head on the hardwood chair, Pastor Jerimiah with his port belly runs to assist her in standing, it is such a funny sight to behold, that serves her right for all her fake crying, Pearl and Diamond half run to their seats embarrassed.

"Mary loved and was loved by all, she was an angel on earth, God's special child. She was selfless, she gave even when she had little, prayed even when she was weak and loved even when she was drained".

My mama was a selfless woman, she would give all we had to others, but never her children, I sniff when my tears threaten to fall, I refuse to cry for this woman, I refuse to give her that satisfaction even in death.

My scars start to itch, the physical ones, Mama never laid her hands on any of us but God, her words were like sharp knives, piercing into my soul. And so, I woke up one morning when I was eleven and decided to hurt myself. It is a weird theory, but I felt better crying over my bleeding finger than Mama's words. She knew I became so addicted, cutting myself at every opportunity that presented itself, but even till death, Mama never cared enough to stop me.

I need to feel better, I need to see blood, my blood. There is something satisfying about pointing the tip of a sharp object to my pale white skin, it's exciting, and being able to feel pain ultimately decreases any physical or emotional pain in me. To avoid scratching my thighs to feel better, I busy my hands by carefully picking out the threads on my black gown.

Pastor Jerimiah continues to sing Mama's praises for what feels like another hour or two, I sigh when we are all instructed to rise for the closing prayers and make our way to the house.

My hell

"Aella, I will drive you home" I turn, and I see Grace jogging towards me. I have never liked this woman, she has been Mama's lawyer for as long as I can remember, with her perfect face, perfect hair, and perfect skin. I would say part of the reason I hated her was because she was everything I wanted to be.

"Aella, can I drive you home?" I would prefer to walk than share the same air with her, but I am not stupid, walking home would be a suicide mission. I continue to study her, and she continues to smile, she is so perfect, and it is impossible to see her frowning, her patience is infuriating, I have tested it on several occasions when I knew Mama wasn't watching, and not once has her mask of perfection ever slipped. I nod my head in acceptance, getting into the car. I inwardly prepare my speech of silence because that is what she would get if she dared speak to me. God bless her, she remains perfectly silent till we get to Mama's house.

I am presented with another round of fake tears, wailing and speeches about how the world would remain in great chaos because someone as beautiful as Mama was allowed to die. There is a lot of food, I am hardly ever hungry and seeing the endless bowls doesn't make me salivate, they make me want to puke.

Expensive wines

Expensive food

Expensive designs

That is Mama for you, using her last penny to make sure the town is fed, I was not surprised when Grace made all these preparations explaining to me that it was the number one request in her will. I wonder if I was her number two, I have been disturbed by that particular thought all day.

I catch Mrs. Agatha sneaking a bottle of wine into her handbag. Our eyes meet, and I do not stop looking at her until she glances away in shame. These blood-sucking humans are never satisfied with what they get, they always need more...trust me Mama has given her enough.

I am exhausted. How long does a memorial service take, I sit down nursing a glass of water, Tho I would prefer a bottle of strong liquor. I sniff remembering my four dead brothers, I drink greedily from my cup, pretending it is the drink I desperately crave. I will not cry today, I will not mourn my special brothers on this atrocious day, maybe tomorrow, I will weep for them, and mourn how life was unfair to them.

I try to keep a straight face when people stop beside me and offer their condolences, Pearl and Diamond take turns hugging me too, offering to spend the night with me if I need company, I am their friend, but I have never considered them mine, I can't stand pretenders. I politely say no, refilling my glass with more water. Soon, they would all leave in an hour or two and I would be alone.

Grace finds me again, but this time she isn't quiet. "Aella, I need to speak to you." I roll my eyes but make space for her to sit beside me "I am so sorry for your loss, but I want you to know I will always be here for you if you need me. Your mother gave all she had to charity..."

"Charity like the church, you and Agatha?" I am infuriated, that devil, even in death, is like a thorn in my flesh.

Grace frowns for the first time since I have known her, but it quickly slips away, and I do a tiny dance of victory in my mind.

"Your mother has always concerned herself with others, and no, I don't need your mother's money I have enough on my own." She touches my hair, but quickly removes her hand, if I wasn't paying attention, I would have sworn that I imagined it. "I am sorry it has to be like this."

For the first time since I saw Mama's dead body I cry, I am not only alone, but I have been left with no inheritance.

AELLA

Christ! What kind of mother leaves her only daughter alone with no inheritance? She was never a good mother, never spoiled me with the things I deserved, she never did anything for me, but still, a tiny part of me was always convinced she loved me but didn't know how to show it, but this...this has made me certain that she never loved me.

"Do I have a college fund?" How would I continue schooling if I can't pay my fees? I take her silence to mean no. "What about the house, is it going to be given to charity too?"

"The house was your father's" I am dumbfounded. Mama never spoke about my father, and she got irritated when I asked so I stopped asking. "He bought the house in your name."

"She would have taken it away too if she could." I let another tear fall; I am comforted by the fact that I still have a roof over my head.

"Do not think poorly of your mother, she loved too much, that was her only flaw. You of all people should understand her, she was created by God to care for others".

"What about me?" I sob, more tears falling down my face. "Who was created to love me?" I didn't realise I had been shouting until Mrs Agatha touched my shoulder. I ignore her and continue to cry. "I have always been alone, I am not disputing that fact, but now, I feel abandoned, I feel hated by my mother. I despise the young girl in me who was comforted by the fact that she was loved."

"All Mary knew was love my dear" Mrs. Agatha says annoyed. if she is annoyed then I am infuriated. "Do not speak ill of a woman who is now seated at the feet of the lord."

This woman is delusional, this town is occupied by mad people. "I assure you, Agatha, Mama is not in heaven, but surely she has been seated at the feet of the devil himself," I emphasize her name, so she doesn't miss the fact that I purposely choose to insult her.

Everybody gasps, I hear whispers of the bible, prayers for my soul, and shouts of the lord's name-calling on him to save my demonic soul from damnation. Grace looks shocked too, but it doesn't beat the look of disgust on Agatha's face. Twice in one day, she has been embarrassed, I wish Mama was here to see me like this. She would have died of a heart attack instead, she deserved that rather than the peaceful one she got.

"Aella, I understand how you feel" I push her hands away when she touches me, Mrs. Agatha wisely keeps quiet and returns to her seat.

"My father...tell me about him" Grace frowns, she seems to be doing that a lot today.

"He was not a good man, they were happier apart" She twists her perfect hair and sighs "I am in no position to talk about Mike, he left you. Don't concern yourself with a man like that." Mike? It is not much, but it's more than I have ever gotten from Mama.

I turn to look at the bunch of condemnatory, hypercritical people occupying my house...yes, my house, my own space. my throat tightens, and my heart fills with more hatred for them, for this town, how can no one see what Mama has done wrong, how can they not see how wrong it is to leave your only daughter with no inheritance?

"All of you, get out" When they all continued to sigh, talk and drink Mama's expensive wines, I automatically assumed I wasn't loud enough. I take a deep breath, my jaw clenched, my hands fisted, and I speak again "All of you, get out now!"

Faces turn towards me, mouths open, and curses fly. I don't care, I can send them away because it's my house. "The party is over; the movie is completed. you do not have to act anymore she is dead now." I wish Mama was alive to see these people she chose over her family, they never liked her, I have heard whispers of how they thought she was foolish in catering for the town and never her family.

"You too, leave" I demand looking at Grace. She opens her mouth to speak but decides against it. smart choice, I still have a lot of insults to dish out.

When nobody attempts to remove themselves, I start screaming "Out you bunch of idiots, you bunch of animals. You think you know God and his plans, no, you don't. I promise you; you all have special seats reserved with the devil himself." that must have struck a nerve because everybody stands up and hurries out, even Mrs. Agatha drags her daughters to their feet.

"Mrs. Agatha do return the bottle of wine you stole earlier," I swear she turns red; She quickly drops the wine on the table taking a walk of shame with her crying daughters behind her.

When the house finally becomes empty and I am all alone, I carefully pick up my glass cup and smash it against the wall, I watch it shatter into tiny pieces just like my heart, I pick up a sharp piece and slide to the floor.

Dragging my gown to my thigh, I place the tip of the glass on my lap and cut. I cut so deep that I am almost alarmed by the amount of blood I see. I have never been a suicidal person; I don't plan on bleeding to death.

I crawl to the half bottle of whiskey on the table, and I gulp directly from the bottle. since it's my first time drinking, it is difficult to swallow at first because it burns my throat and forces tears from my eyes. it gets better when I sip the second time. Damn, I like whiskey. I make a silent apology to all judged drunkards, coupled with the pain from my bleeding thigh and the strong alcohol, I feel so much better.

Mama always attributed everything in life to the word 'Grace'. since God is kind enough to be gracious, we are all going to face five major difficulties in life. and as such, 'bad things come in five' for Mama her difficulties started with meeting my dad.

having five children

having me as a daughter

losing her four boys.

I never got to know the last one as Mama is now dead. My own five bad things began when I lost my brothers.

Being Mama's daughter: number two.

I am doomed, I have no savings of my own, how is one supposed to survive with nothing? Mike, Grace had said my father's name was Mike. Do I go searching for Mike? I throw the bottle of whiskey I was nursing and start screaming, I stop when I can't any longer, and I immediately find comfort in the silence.

AELLA

I wake up exhausted, the curtains are up, and the lighting is blinding. My head feels like it could crack open anytime.

Mama is dead.

I rise to my feet instantly with a smile on my face. what does one do to celebrate one's freedom?

lazily, I drag my feet to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and aspirin. I drink greedily from the bottle.

"Let's do some cleaning shall we".

An hour later I moved to my room. I grab my phone from the nightstand, scrolling through my messages. There are a bunch of condolence messages and missed calls from John. I met him last semester, he is a very cute guy with a nice smile. I know he sort of has a thing for me, Mama would have had my heart for dinner if I as much as entertained thoughts of a guy.

I called John back. My revenge on Mama would start by losing my virginity, I have never liked John in that sort of way, but I know he is a nice guy. He picks on the first ring.

"Aella?" he sounds panicked. "Fuck girl! I almost lost my mind trying to reach you, are you okay?". I laugh, I don't know how I manage to with my pounding head, but John always has a way of cracking me up.

"I am fine, unravel your knickers, young man. I never told anyone about my mother's death, how did you find out?"

He sighs. "Eva told everyone". Trust my best friend to sound the alarm when I don't. I am not upset; I know she felt I would feel better if I had more people checking up on me.

I have never fancied a guy or even... what is that word? arranged to have sex with one. I need to speak to Eva she is everything I am not; She has had a lot of boyfriends. how do you ask a guy for sex?

"I... am home you know, you co..." No that sounded too desperate. "You could visit if you want, not that I need you to, I mean, I won't be in school for a while." That sounded so much better. I almost jump out of my body when I hear a knock on the door. My cheeks are so red, it is like I have just been caught stealing.

"Of course, Aella, I will be there on Monday if that's fine with you." The polite knocking on the door becomes more aggressive. I say my goodbyes to John running downstairs. I swear if it is Grace or worse one of those beggars, I will drag them out by the hair.

I open the door ready to scream my lungs out, but I am faced with Eva.

"Stupid! I swear I was ready to put a bullet through your head right now?"

She ignores me and moves inside, turning around like it is a fashion show.

"This is my first time in your house babe, give me a break." She pulls me towards her and hugs me. I fought hard at first, but knowing Eva, she never gives up easily. After what feels like forever I give up and place my face on her chest. Eva is taller than I am, and she is slim but thick in the right places, I swear before we became close, I was convinced she had surgery for her backside and boobs.

"I know you didn't love her, and I understand you have mixed feelings right now. but she was your mother and you have known her all your life."

I sigh. "I don't feel particularly sad that she is dead, I don't miss her, but I am somewhat glad that she isn't here to control me anymore. I just feel sad for me."

I pull away from her warm embrace and face her. "I am barely twenty. How is one supposed to survive alone?" I look at her and ask the first question bugging me since I woke up. "How does one celebrate being alone?" Knowing Eva, she always has an answer.

"Let's start by taking one day at a time." Let's? I don't miss the fact that she wants me to know that I am not alone. "I am sorry Aella, but I am glad she is gone, those things she did to you, the things..." I shake my head signalling her to stop, I don't want to remember.

"One celebrates freedom by doing things they never got to do before. what would you like to do? you can make these decisions now."

"Dance, drink, laugh. because she hated those things." Have sex, I don't say it out loud.

She claps her hands startling me. "That, I can make happen right now." She grins. "Let's go shopping shall we".

**********

We finally arrived at the club after hours of shopping. I opened up to Eva about my money situation and she got upset that I would think she expected me to pay even if I did have a truckload of money. I am dressed in a black tight-fitted gown, I almost had a heart attack seeing the scandalous dress. My curly red hair was straightened and wrapped into a bun. This dress has Mama turning and screaming in hell, it clings to my every curve and the neckline plunges modestly to reveal just a tantalising glimpse of decolletage, and the hemline reveals a tantalizing expanse of my toned legs. the back... starts at my waist showing an enormous amount of skin.

I am almost alarmed when we are stopped at the gate, but Eva always has her ways."

"Hi, cutie" The bald scary man smiles at Eva and lets us in.

"How do you know him?".

"He is my brother's friend" she replies smiling. "Drink?" She pushes me to a stool. "Wait here"

Like I have anywhere else to go. She arrives almost immediately with a drink. "What is this?" I ask her curiously.

"Drink first"

I savour the first sip, the taste is a tantalising tango of saltiness and bitterness, with a whisper of robust olive flavour lingering in every drop. "Fuck can I have another?"

Eva laughs loudly. "It's a dirty martini, and yes, you can."

I do just that, glass after glass until I feel tipsy. The room feels like a slow waltz, the floor surprisingly shifting. In my blissful tipsy haze, I move to the dance floor dragging Eva with me.

I begin to sway my hips laughing loudly. I dance, with my body, and my hands in the air. A cute guy signals Eva she looks at me, and I nod my head in approval. I want her to have fun, not babysit me. I don't complain when a fat guy starts to rock me, placing his hands on my hips. I smile when another cute guy who looks like John places himself in front of me.

One at my back, one at my front. the cute guy places his lips on my ear, I feel something wet, and I know it is his tongue. I am fully immersed in my intoxicating dance of indulgence.