“If there is anything that can be crueler than death, it’s nurturing false

hope in your heart just to see them crushing every piece of you at the end.”

You must have watched those YouTube videos or maybe read books that

encourage you to romanticize your life, haven’t you?

Well, I have. And to be honest, only by watching those videos, do I fall

back into my imaginary world where I am the QUEEN of the world (at least

of my world). Just after imagining how it would feel to romanticize my life,

I used to feel a different kind of adrenaline rush running through my veins,

something that I cannot explain in words.

You might be thinking, Renuka, if you love the concept of

romanticizing life then why are you stopping me to believe in it?

Well, after experimenting, learning, watching, and reading about

romanticizing life, I came up with this one explanation which is: Everyone

is already romanticizing their life. They just don’t know the nature of

their character yet.

Confusing?

Let me tell you how you are already walking down on this concept and

why this can be the most dangerous thing for your future.

But let’s first understand what romanticizing life means, shall we?

Romanticizing your life means becoming the main character of your life

as if your entire day is being recorded. In short, you act like you are in a

movie playing the role of the main character.

But here is the thing!

Consciously or unconsciously, we all act as the movie character

behaves.

In any typical movie, the story starts with a girl and a boy. Either the

girl is broken and finds herself in a dark tunnel with depression, stress, and

anxiety (not to mention a poor girl is seen more often) or the same situation

is played by the boy. Then?

Then the boy comes into her life as the HERO who saves her from this

cruel world, gives her hope, teaches her how to love, and finally falls in

love with her. And after that, both of them face this world TOGETHER

like God was conspiring from heaven for their paths to collide.

Sounds familiar?

If not the girl, then the boy is broken and then the girl comes as the

Goddess to play the exact same role that we have just read. And if there is

no love story then there is a friendship story that revolves around the same

thing. A broken, depressed, and pathless person meets with another person

and they become best friends for life.

Most of the movies/web series/books revolve around the same plot

where one is broken and the other one comes as the guiding Angel which I

like to call good drama.

Now, the problem is that people like you and me have been

watching/listening/reading about these kinds of life incidents since

childhood that subconsciously we have made a belief- one day someone

will come to save you, rescue you, or rather fall in love with you.

All my college life, I was waiting for a friendship like Joey and

Chandler (from F.R.I.E.N.D.S) but nothing like that ever happened. I never

had a best friend either in school or in college but I always wanted one. A

kind of best friend we see in web series and movies. Perhaps, that is the

reason that even after having a bunch of friends around me, I used to feel

incomplete.

Though if I look back in time and see the world from a fresh perspective

(or mature perspective), I can see a little girl wishing to have the same

teddy bear she saw in some random movie.

So, what’s wrong with this anyway?

Well, your imagination shapes your reality and here you are. Sitting

there, thinking how broke you can be and then how a perfect angel-like

person will come to save you. The problem with this is that you CHOOSE

to believe that YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH to change your life all by

yourself. You rely your hope on someone who doesn’t exist. And that’s

why, when things don’t fall as per your imagination, you start feeling even

more lonely as if you had something but you lost it.

If you have created an imaginary friend in your mind who you think

will turn into reality, I would say, don’t betray yourself. No one is coming

to save you or make you laugh or travel with you around the world as it

happens in the movie. Life is not a movie. Move on from your own hopes

or get ready to see them crushed.

Believing that someday you will meet perfect friends who will become

a part of your soul is more like creating a graveyard of your hopes. The

more you focus on meeting new friends, the more it will hurt. You will feel

even more lonely thinking that you could have something but you didn’t.

You will have to mourn the loss of someone you never had in the first place.

I am not saying that you wouldn’t meet new people or you wouldn’t be

able to make new friends at all. I made some good friends after college

through Instagram. But one harsh truth about that is - after a certain age,

you don’t make SOUL friends. You just meet people, help each other when

needed and be nice to each other so that you have good people in your

network. As a content creator, I come across a lot of people but I know in

the end that they and I are in touch with each other for the sake of

networking. After college, you don’t make friends. You just network. You

just try to be nice to people so you are not left behind (mostly).

But if you start imagining every person who is nice to you as your

future buddy then you are practically digging a graveyard of your hopes.

And let me tell you one thing from experience, If there is anything that can

be crueler than death, it’s nurturing false hope in your heart just to see them

crushing every piece of you at the end.

Instead of imagining yourself as the character who needs someone in

the first place, imagine yourself as the main character of the movie that is

your life. A movie like your life hasn’t been made yet, and a book like your

life hasn’t been written yet. And that’s why you have the creative freedom

in your hands to write it as you want, make it as bold and wild as you want,

keep it as long as you can, and above all make it about yourself rather than

following an old pattern that doesn’t empower you. You don’t want to play

the role of victim in your own life. You don’t want to see yourself crying

for someone you never had. You don’t want to victimize your character. Or

DO YOU?

“The most painful and scariest thing in the world is to look in the

mirror and not recognize the person staring right at you.”

The false hope that someday someone will magically show up and the

fear of looking like a weirdo makes us do things that we never intended to

do. Since childhood, we have learned that the kid who is alone is a weirdo.

They are alone because no one chose them. We don’t want to seem a

weirdo, we don’t want people to think that no one chose us so what do we

do? We start becoming like an ideal version of whom everyone loves. We

start saying YES to things that we hate. We start dressing up in clothes that

make us uncomfortable or are out of our budget but at the same time help us

get noticed, accepted, and acknowledged. We start speaking the words we

find cringe. We start saying things that are most acceptable and popular. We

start doing the things that make us look like ‘everyone’ else so that we don’t

come out as weirdo. We, indeed, become an ideal version of a happy, cutelittle

human who everyone adores or at least no one makes fun of. But step

by step, as we become like everyone else, we go far away from who we

truly are. The more thought you give to what people think of you, the less

attention you give to what you want, what you like, what you think, how

you would like to enjoy life, and more importantly what makes you, YOU.

It’s like becoming a people pleaser without realizing it. The gap between

who you truly were and who you have become in the hope to fit in grows so

much that even you find it difficult to recognize yourself.

And that gives birth to the root of loneliness. People start becoming like

the most acceptable version in the hope to find their tribe that they lose their

real selves. And that is the reason why we call the time we spend with

ourselves ‘lonely.’ Loneliness is not when you don’t have people around.

Loneliness occurs when you cannot find yourself inside you. The moment

you feel the loss of your real self, that’s when loneliness makes a home

inside you. That’s the worst kind of loneliness where you might be

surrounded by people yet you feel lonely. It’s like you cannot feel yourself.

Like you are not there anymore. 

And do you what’s even more ironic?

It starts with you trying to become someone you are not because you

wanted to fit in. But it leaves you hating being with yourself. And tell me

something, how can anyone accept a person who doesn’t accept

themselves? How can anyone love to spend time with

a person who hates spending time with themselves? Where does it leave

you? Nowhere. In the race of achieving people’s acceptance and love,

you end up losing yourself.

I have spent the majority of my life trying to be nice to people so that I

can be an ideal version. I said ‘Yes’ to outings when I wanted to stay at

home and read books. I kept talking and smiling when I wanted to say that I

am tired or I have got some work to do so I will catch up later. I even

dressed up when I wanted to go casual. All of it so that I could be what

people wanted me to be.

However, what I didn’t realize at that point was that ‘I may have

become an ideal version for others but what about myself?’

What do I think of myself? What are my opinions about myself? What

do I like and what do I don’t? What are my fears? What are some things

that I want to do in my day-to-day life yet I don’t because I have become an

expert in silencing my inner voice?

And I know I am not alone in this. We all are the same. Since childhood,

we have competed against each other. Whose child is cutest or smarter or

more intelligent? Either we try to be a perfect version of ourselves for our

parents so that they can be proud of us or we try to appear cool and fun so

that we can be a part of the most popular group in college.

We ran in this race for so long that our real selves couldn’t keep up with

our pace of changing personalities. Our real self is hidden deep inside under

the layers of manners, and etiquette. We do the things that seem cool

instead of trying new things that our soul wants. I am a pro at that. I want to

learn a bunch of new things but I don’t have time. Yet if any of my friends

call me and share their shit, I will be all ears so that they have a shoulder to

cry on.

What we don’t realize is that just as we stop talking to people who

ignore us. Similarly, our souls stop communicating with us. And one day

when you are alone with no one to hang out with or click sassy pictures

with, you find spending time with yourself painful. Why?

Because there is so much hidden that if you sit down to uncover the

layers, years will go by but you wouldn’t be able to find the real YOU.

That’s why I say,

“There are some days when you miss yourself more than you have

ever missed anyone else”

I am no expert in psychology nor am I a therapist who can talk about

what goes inside a human brain. But I am a human and I know what goes

inside a human’s heart. We all are trapped in the same cycle of pleasing

people around us so that we are more accepted and appreciated. We ignore

what we are feeling because who has time for that? We don’t do what gives

us real joy because that’s probably old school.

The burden gets heavier with each passing day. With every day your

real self goes far away from you. Your own images become blurry. And it

becomes painful to take a look deep inside yourself.

I have made these mistakes and I don’t want you to do that. So in the

next few chapters, we will discuss how you can become more YOU which

will help you turn your alone time into solitude.

The need to fit in, to be like the most famous and cool person, and to be

accepted lovingly is inherited in all of us. But how long do you think you

can handle this? For how long do you think you can suppress and hide your

real identity? For how long are you going to be different from different

people? You try to be different for everyone around you. You are different

for your partner, different for your boss, different for your friends, and

different for your loved ones.

And in all of this, THE REAL YOU IS LOST. YOU HAVE LOST

YOUR REAL ESSENCE, YOUR REAL SELF. Imagine Yourself as a

computer and see how you have opened different tabs of your personality

for each person you meet. New person, new tab. Perhaps, that's the reason

your real personality has crashed.

It’s not like I am a saint. I have tried hard to change myself into the

most acceptable and loving version as well. In fact, there are times when by

default, I try to hide who I truly am or what I am thinking just to present

myself as a ‘wanted’ person. Why? Why do we have to try so hard to get

others' attention and is it worth losing our real identity?

And do you know what’s funny? After losing ourselves completely, we

fall for those ‘self-love’ hacks. Sometimes, I feel like we are kidding

ourselves.

I am not a love expert. God forbid. But I know one thing that you fall in

with someone when you get to know them. Isn’t it?

So, let’s find YOU so that you can fall in love with the real YOU. Shall

we?

I. Self-Love Starts with Self-Acceptance

I have been using social media like a spy for the past year. During this

time, I have seen the growing popularity of “self-love” and the more

definitions I read on self-love, the less I became interested in even thinking

about self-love.

Self-love has become more like self-pity.

If that wasn’t enough, giant companies and clever marketers took

advantage of this growing popularity of self-love to sell cute shampoo

bottles, expensive perfumes, and things like that. While I will never

understand how self-love became about decorating yourself from head to

toe, I want to share what self-love really means. A definition that is less

accepted and discussed.

As clear cut as possible, self-love is about two things:

Knowing Yourself: What you think, how you think, what is

your true nature, what is hidden behind all the manners and

etiquettes, what is your personality and the like (we will discuss

that in the next chapter)

Accepting Yourself: Acknowledging everything that is inside

you and accepting it, be it good or bad. Most people hide their

ugly side somewhere deep inside them so that no one can know

their dark side. However, what you don’t realize is that the deeper

you hide, the darker it gets inside your heart. And that darkness

will swallow you bit by bit until you can no longer find the

sunshine.

Society has made us believe that we must always be loving, caring, and

cute. That’s what we see in movies and web series, right? Good people are

good to everyone all the time. And we all install a desire subconsciously

that ‘there are good humans and bad humans and if we can fall under the

good human category then we will be loved and appreciated and accepted

as well.’

Then?

We try hard to be NICE. We try to be good to people even when they

are abusive to us because that’s what good people do, right? And this trial

period keeps draining you because how can you be good all the time? How

can you love others when you are hurt yourself? How can you be kind when

you need to help yourself? You keep trying to meet the criteria of being a

good person until you kill something inside you. And then suddenly you

realize, oh, I need healing?

WOW! What a trap.

And this reminds me that even though we all want to be good and nice

yet we sympathize more with the villain of any web series or book. WHY?

Because villains show us that ‘we all can be bad at times not

intentionally but because we are designed to feel all kinds of emotions.

We are not mobile phones where you cannot use Android features in ios or

ios features in Android devices. You are a HUMAN. For God's sake,

start treating yourself like one.’

Villains teach us that our dark side doesn’t define us but it is still a part

of us. Since society is not very welcoming with traits that don’t fall under

the good girl or good boy category, we just try to suppress everything inside

us that we genuinely feel, think, and love. I don’t know when you or I

started silencing our inner voice but we have done it successfully enough to

seek the definition of self-love in the external world.

If you ask me, I used to think I am a good person too. I believe in

kindness, love, compassion, and being warm to people. I want to be the

reason people still believe in kindness and love. But at the same time, I

know I am not God and I make mistakes. Mistakes that at times hurt people.

But hating myself for making mistakes or

for letting go of people or for saying whatever I feel cannot make me

love myself.

So, can we please stop playing this game? Can YOU please stop

pretending that your dark side doesn’t exist?

Let me share an example from my own life so you can relate better. As I

said, I want to be nice to people so that I don’t become the reason someone

cries. But after 2 years of constant self-examination, I have studied my

behavior. And that behavior says that I can be selfish at times. Yes, that’s

true. I am not all good nor am I God. I have chosen ME over my friends

many times.

Although, the whole self-love journey made me realize that ‘it’s okay to

accept myself as a selfish person.’

That’s one of the truths about me. I know good people are not supposed

to be selfish but I am. I can either hate myself for that or learn to use this

one trait in my favor. Learning to choose myself, my happiness, and my

career over anything.

This one truth about me made me realize how I function in relationships

(with friends & family). Since I know my behavior, I would always set my

expectations

clearly so people know what they can expect from me. This clarity is

what brings peace to your relationship with yourself and others.

If you don’t know yourself, you will make similar mistakes in your

relationships with everyone and then if people leave you, you will say

“Why doesn’t anyone want to be with me? Maybe I am not just lovable, or

maybe there is something wrong with me that pushes people away.”

Self-love, my dear, is not only about taking bubble baths, applying

expensive makeup to call it a self-care day. That just defines your lifestyle.

Self-love is about knowing everything about yourself, however ugly or

dark or bad your truth is, and accepting yourself with it. Self-love is about

knowing how to transform your flaws into your strengths rather than hiding

them inside you so that no one can see them.

Self-love is about choosing yourself every single day to study your

patterns, examine your behavior, knowing your thoughts (even if they are

mean at times). Self-love is about creating a home deep inside you where

you can be YOU without worrying about healing, pretending, or

perfectionism. You are beautiful with your dark side not by hiding them

under the mask of goodness.

I feel pathetic to say that there is a dark side in all of us. Because it’s not

even our dark side, it’s just who we are. That is how we are designed.

That’s what makes us unique and different from each other. You don’t have

to be bad to people.

You just have to learn to not loathe yourself for having some traits

that are not accepted in our well-dressed society. Be proud of what you

are and accept every bit of yourself.

Now that you know that you don’t have to be all classy and glassy to

love yourself, I guess it will be a lot easier to get to know yourself. Let’s go

on the journey of meeting you then. Shall we?

OceanofPDF.com

II. Self-Love Grows with Self-Knowledge

“Your inner world has more wonders than the 7 wonders of the world”

I wish I could tell you some hacks and techniques to get to know

yourself or perhaps, a schedule or a video that you can follow but the sad

news is, you are not a subject that you can just study, understand, and close

the book. You are a human. Well, yes not brand-new information. But

without stretching it unnecessarily, as humans, we change rapidly. We

evolve. Our preferences change and our working style changes and our

priorities change. What worked for you yesterday might not work for you

tomorrow. What you liked 3 months back may not be your preference today.

How you liked to spend your time 6 months back might be something you

hate today.

Hence, hands down. I am sorry but I cannot give some random hacks

that just sound good on paper, and make you feel inspired at the moment

just to make you feel guilty for not following them later. Yes, I know this is

a self-help book and I am supposed to give you some good-looking

techniques. But darling, you are not a constant self-improvement project.

A Journey to Self,

Knowing yourself is not a one-day job or a 3-week long project. It’s a

life-long journey. We are living in a world of distractions. It takes less

than a second to start wishing for something that we never wanted just

because everyone else seems to have it/enjoy it. In such a world, where

you are always surrounded by noise, it’s tough to stay connected to the

voice deep inside you. And let me repeat it again, it’s a lifelong process to

know yourself and secondly not to lose yourself.

There are a few things that helped me and I hope they will help you as

well. These are not instant hacks but everyday habits that I follow to date so

be ready for the execution of them.

A) Come Face-to-Face With Your Mind

“It is a joy to be hidden, and disaster not to be found.”

― D.W. Winnicott

When you are alone, you are dealing with just one mind, YOUR MIND.

Some treat it as a luxury while others treat it as a punishment.

During your alone time, you are on your own. Your mind has a way of

pulling you back to everything that had or could go wrong in your life. Your

mind plays tricks on you to create unnecessary worries.

When Covid-19 hit the world and we were forced to stay at our homes, I

did a lot of digging in my mind. Initially, it felt more like a punishment

because duh! I wasn’t ready to listen to the 1,000 thoughts that my mind

was generating every other minute. It was at that moment, I realized how

my mind never sleeps and always gives me a reason to worry about. Hence,

the itch to go out in public and ignore the mind’s voice.

Perhaps, this is the reason why so many people end up being in toxic

relationships. People are afraid of what their mind will do to them, they are

afraid of what their mind will make them believe, and they are afraid of

what their mind will push them to do (in my case, calling my mean friends)

As Rollo May said: “Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself

alone, and so they don’t find themselves at all.”

Though I dug deeper into the problem and said to myself, being with me

doesn’t have to be so cruel and tough if only I become more mindful. I

started doing more ‘meet-ups with my mind’ to understand myself better.

To know what goes in my mind, how I think, how I react, what triggers me,

and basically everything that I was once afraid of uncovering.

And if there is anything that I realized with these regular ‘meetings’

with my mind, it’s that, your mind is not stupid nor it’s your enemy. You

cannot stand being with yourself because there is so much buried inside

you. Things that you don’t want to admit.

Though, let me tell you one thing. There is FREEDOM in knowing

yourself. You feel like nothing can hurt you when you face everything that

your mind was threatening you about.

So, instead of finding ways to silence your mind. Get up and come faceto-face

with whatever your mind has to offer you.

There were things about myself that I didn’t want to admit (my default

behavioral pattern in certain situations) However, now that I have accepted

it, I don’t fear my own mind. I am working on those things to upgrade

myself.

Use your alone time to KNOW YOURSELF. When you are alone, you

are dealing with just one mind, one set of choices, behavior, and thinking

patterns. Hence, it becomes easier to study yourself and get to know what

you like and what you don’t like, how you think, and how you react.

The reason why most people find it so difficult to sit with themselves or

read their own thoughts is that;

There is too much untapped and unnoticed. And obviously, years of

ignorance have created a vast pool of things that you need to deal with. So,

it may seem a little scary when you sit and boom! Your mind starts

attacking you. One bad thing you did years ago, some regrets and mistakes

that are living in your mind rent-free to give you something to worry about

on days you finally decide to be happy, or maybe some bad thoughts that

keep returning back even when you don’t want them.

Most people cannot muster enough courage to face it all hence, the

smarter way seems to be to silence it all by throwing short-term pleasure on

your face like watching Netflix, or going out with people who you don’t

like.

The simple fact that you don’t know yourself is the reason why you

accept the bare minimum from people.

They help distract you and this is what you want, don’t you?

So, yes, there is a lot inside you. But it is all a part of you so there is no

permanent escape. You have to face it all. One day at a time. One thought,

one regret, one guilt, one bad decision at a time.

And I promise, once you face it all, once you uncover all the layers of

your past, once you acknowledge everything that your mind was

threatening you against, you will feel FREE like you can take a breath

without any fear. That’s the start of peace.

So, give yourself the time it requires to uncover what’s buried inside

you. Everything that you have been ignoring for such a long time. Every

thought you are afraid to accept. Every decision that you regret taking/not

taking. Set yourself FREE.

It won't be easy but it will be worth it. It will take some time. But my

advice to you is, if you can do one thing, I recommend you to try this

challenge. Every day takes at least 10-15 minutes to just be with your soul.

You must take out some time to know yourself, a time when you don’t have

to fake it and when you can completely accept yourself without any

judgments or fear.

Practice: Sit With Yourself & Try to Read Your Thoughts. Read your

thoughts like you are reading a classic book. Like you are spending time

with the most amazing person on this planet. You can say and feel anything

without worrying about what people would say. You can share your trauma

or unhealed past as if you are your own therapist.

And one day, it will become interesting to get to know so much about

yourself. You will feel excited to know why you laugh at a certain joke and

why you eat a certain dish in a certain style. It will start feeling like falling

in love with yourself.

B) Know Thyself

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.”

-Michel de Montaigne

I was in high school when one of my professors said this, ‘You all seem

to act too smart as if you are the kings/queens of the world while in reality,

if I ask you to speak about yourself for as many minutes as your age, 18

minutes let’s say if that’s your age, then none of you can speak even for a

minute.’ He continued, ‘and when I say about yourself, I don’t mean the

worldly tags that you have accumulated, I mean the REAL YOU.’

Back then, I didn’t understand what he meant. I thought he was being

angry for no reason. But now after reading a bunch of spiritual books,

following the path of spirituality myself, and paying attention to my soul, I

have come to realize that you and I are beyond the title of this world.

Though, we all have become a collection of tags and labels that we have

either willingly imposed on ourselves or that the world threw at us. The tags

of a good or bad person. Sad or happy. Poor or rich. Loving or hateful.

Failure or successful. Writer or Lawyer. Beautiful or Ugly. Smart or dumb.

Supportive or toxic. And the list of such fancy tags wouldn’t come to an

end until the day you die.

And death reminds me of birth.

When you and I were first born, we were free from all the worldly tags.

For us, nothing was good or bad. We were just there at the moment.

Perhaps, that is the reason why people love babies so much. When you are

with a baby, the baby doesn’t judge you based on the black-and-white

specific tags. The baby doesn’t say ‘Oh this girl is brown. I wish a young

white tall lady was carrying me.’ The baby doesn’t say ‘I don’t want to be

around this dumb person who cannot score good grades or I will be like

him.’ The baby doesn’t judge you based on past mistakes, future endeavors,

color, religion, or social status. The baby is just a cute little creature looking

right into your eyes with curiosity. You make funny faces so the baby

laughs and when the baby does, it makes you so happy as if you have won a

Nobel prize.

WHY? Why is happiness so cheap when you are around a baby? Why

are you so YOU when you are holding a baby? And most of all why don’t

you judge a baby when you look at him? Why don’t you say that this baby

would have been a little more attractive if he was a little cuter, or born into

a rich family? Why don’t you compare a baby to any other baby?

Because the baby allows you to be YOU without making you feel

insecure about the shape of your nose, the color of your skin, the zeros in

your bank balance, or your grades. You can be YOU when you hold a baby

and so can a baby be just a little human without getting any life advice or

judgments from you.

The tragedy is we all were babies once too. We all used to spread love

with our smiles whenever anyone took us in their arms. We all were once

complete and beautiful. And we used to make other people feel complete

and beautiful too without giving them any tags.

I cannot say exactly which concept, incident, or system made us

question ourselves and others but somehow we lost. We lost our capability

to be happy for no reason, to feel beautiful, and to not judge ourselves or

others.

It may have all started when we started accumulating tags from the

external world. The more tags we collect, the faster we start losing our

authentic selves. Society likes to put you in a box because it is easier that

way to market products. If you are black, buy this fairness cream and so on.

And it is even sadder that you start treating yourself and others as a tag.

But enough of this stupid system that likes to cage everyone. This system is

stupid because no one is happy. And I am here to beat that system. It starts

with you and me.

And to break that system, here is what we can do:

Free Yourself and Others:

When I was around 10, there was a death in my family. It was my

grandfather’s brother’s wife. And I remember one of my relatives was

talking about me. She said ‘I don’t look as good as other girls in my family

do’

Can you imagine? There is a dead body and people are busy judging

you. What do you think I must have felt?

I remember not considering myself beautiful till the age of 17. And I

know how it feels to be judged so badly. But what I also remember is ‘I

tagged myself as ugly’ and that shattered my confidence till 17.

It happens to all of us. Everyone gets different kinds of tags from the

world and starts defining themselves as per the tag. And that tag can leave

its imprint on your heart until you can no longer bear its burden.

So I would suggest you let go of all the tags that the world has thrown at

you, tags that you have attached to your soul, and free others from the tags

you give to them. Don’t define people. Don’t put people in a box. Don’t

give them tags. Because your one tag can be a pain in someone else’s heart.

And, if someone else is giving you tags (be it good or bad), instantly mutter

in your mind ‘yet another tag. But I don’t want it’

Be free and let others be free too. Don’t make life so specific that it

feels like carrying a burden.

When we start defining ourselves with one particular thing, our entire

focus revolves around it. And when that one thing goes wrong, we feel like

a failure. And it’s not just about the profession but personal relationships as

well.

For example; If I say I am an author and put it as a label, I will always

judge myself based on the number of copies of my books have been sold,

how many people loved my book, and things around it. And if someone

doesn’t like my work, does that make me a bad writer?

Something similar happens in personal relationships as well. When we

become attached to one person/relationship, that person or relation starts

defining our existence. That person can control our lives. That relationship

can break our hearts into pieces if someday it ends. It could be with your

romantic partner or your parents. If your mother doesn’t

acknowledge your efforts, does that make you a bad daughter?

Am I just a collection of tags and labels? And should I spend my life

collecting all the good tags like a good daughter, loving partner, good sister,

supportive friend, a good writer, and more such tags that are well accepted

in society?

And what if someday I fail? What if I end up hurting my my friends

because I have my shit to deal with? Does that make me a bad person?

What if my books don’t do well? Should I stop writing then?

I believe that we are beyond the titles of the external world. I think a

particular word cannot define our core being. One tag cannot describe you

or me. We are more than just our professional goals and personal life

relationships. All these things are external.

You and I are a piece of everything we owned, every place we have

traveled, every person we met, and every word we read. Everything leaves a

mark on our soul that paints our personality into who we are today.

We are stitched together by the songs we enjoy, people we love,

adventurous experiences we have had, books we read and the characters in

them that we lived for a while, and many more small things like these that

shape our perception and personality.

But when we remain restricted to one particular tag, we put ourselves in

a cage while expecting to behave/talk/think in a certain way. Perhaps, that is

why there is no uniqueness left in you and me. We are walking on the same

path as everyone else.

But I think that our entire personality or existence should not revolve

around one person or one thing or one tag. We should be undefinable.

Like no one can put us in a cage. Like if someone even tries to define us, it

should take them hours to talk about our personality. Like I don’t want

people to say, ‘Renuka is a great author with excellent writing skills’

I want people to say, ‘Renuka writes in a way that makes you feel safe,

loved, and understood. She loves writing and reading. She lives in a world

that exists beyond the human mind. She loves nature and often finds herself

gazing at the clear sky to find a hidden secret of the Universe. She loves

coffee and she drinks it like it’s a drop of heaven’

I understand these things cannot be noticed by others but they can be

noticed by you. You can live more. You can become indescribable for

yourself. Like if you take a pause to talk about what you do, you have to

think ‘What should I talk about first?’

And that’s why I said earlier, learning about yourself is a lifelong

process. You change every day a little. You evolve with every song, every

book, every article, every video, and every thought you come across. This is

the reason sitting for once and defining yourself wouldn’t work. If you

want to know yourself, you have to be interested in yourself for the rest

of your life. And you must remember one thing,

You are beyond a particular tag. You cannot be labeled. Be undefinable.

Let them wonder who you are while you create a personality for yourself

that makes you fall in love with yourself every day.