...Protecting Your self-worth, is better than destroying yourself for someone else's pure entertainment...

...My mom told me that when she was younger she would read books to escape reality. She said: those books would open her imagination to multiple opinions and questions, she could create her false reality and make the world she lived in a bliss… This is my story and it opened me into a world of love. ...

...Love can be many things like harmony and attraction, it can also be manipulated and destructive if used by the wrong person. I say “used” as in, projected to someone with no real affection. It is better said as fake love. I like to say I hate love, but I dont. I hate the people that say they love then either leave you abandoned, or torture you to the point you beg God not to wake you up the next morning so you dont have to feel the way they made you feel again....

...Love is a feeling, not an action. You can say you love someone in hundreds of tones and hundreds of languages, but yet its just a four letter word. You could cheat on someone and chase after them trying to convince them you still love them and that it was all because you were bored, you can tell them it meant nothing and theyre still the only one in your heart. Everyone knows thats not true....

...Loyalty is different. you could hate someone, call them a bitch even. But the second you get hurt or are in danger they are the first one you call. The first one to be there. And the last one to leave....

...You want both. You want someone to say they love you so much that you are shown loyalty. that is more rare that Halley’s Comet. Now in days everyone is busy either finding someone to entertain them or someone to use till they are no longer useful. ...

...“The course of true love never did run smoothly,” said Shakespeare in his famous play, The Midsummer Night's Dream. I never did read the whole script when assigned the task too in 7th-grade literature class. I do remember that quote, that one quote would describe the whole book in nine words. ...

...I’m not gonna spoil much, but i will warn you. If you ever get in a relationship and feel like you’ve been through hell and back with a person and are still happy together. Don’t get your hopes up, the second that person realizes that you have healed them, they will leave you and forget all off it....

...Teenage love is a myth. all it is is a bunch off minors filling your head with false promises. for example, i’ll never leave you. they will leave you and they will blame it all on you and make it seem like it’s all your fault because they are too proud to admit they are the ones that walked away. or maybe it was all your fault and you pushed away someone you loved the most....

...You will understand in the sequel....

The world became less blurry and noise came back into existence. My presence was brought back from my intent session of zoning out.

"Rate this guy." a boy with glasses was vaguely seen in a photo on a dark phone screen, he was sitting at what looked to be a fast food restaurant with his hands folded together and his elbows leaning on the table. There was no face recognizable enough to rate.

"I can't even see his face, Garrot.'' my eyes skimmed over his phone, examining the poorly shaded photo. My friend persistently shoved the phone closer to my face trying to assist me in visualizing the small details.

"Oh my gosh just tell me if you think this guy is hot." he scoffed, the persistent shoving was not helpful.

"I don't know… nine out of ten?" I laughed so it was noticeable I was joking, of course, a guy with his face covered at a restaurant was not attractive. Leaning back on the headboard I let out a sigh. I have a terrible migraine right now. When I have a migraine my vision slowly starts to fade, it never fully disappears though. Sleeping the migraine away is not an option currently, I have a friend I must entertain by answering obnoxious questions.

"Oh really?" Garrott spoke again, keeping his eyes on the phone screen in his hand, he raised an eyebrow at me.

"I was being sarcastic but if you want a true answer I'll keep it at nine, he has nice hair." I pushed myself up to sit straight.

“Mariana, if a serial killer had nice hair you would love him.” he lifted his eyes off of his phone and smiled.

“Good hair is a very important quality when looking for a guy, and depends, are we talking Ted Bundy or..?” We both laughed. My head aches when I laugh. This damn migraine. Where is my water bottle? I swiped my hand around on my nightstand. Aha! In an attempt to get the water bottle on the ground, I had fallen off the bed.

“ouch.”

"Send me a photo of you that you look good in," Garrott added mysteriously typing on his phone. He was paying no attention to the fact I had just fallen.

"Um, why?"

"Just do it, Mariana." He was probably rolling his eyes at me but I couldn't see his face, I was still on the ground. I pulled my phone off the edge of my bed, unlocked it, and surfed for the photos Garrot asked for. I sent him my five favorite photos from a year ago, my face still had the same structure, and I had pretty much stopped growing last summer so I didn't care that much.

"Okay there, are those good?" I asked.

"Yeah thanks," he said, turning his head from me while hiding his phone.

"What are you doing, Garrott ?" I pulled myself up to the side of the bed with my arms to see his face.

"Nothing..." he said with an obvious smile. This bitch is such a bad liar.

"Okay..." I turned back to my phone pretending to be watching a video or scrolling through Instagram while every few seconds I glanced up at him, and the light reflected on his phone stayed the same color. He was probably just texting someone. Eventually, my attention grew short and I started scrolling through Instagram. After a few minutes, he spoke,

"Mariana…" Garrott’s voice lightened with a smile still etched across his face.

"What?" The tiredness in my voice was noticeable. Slightly annoyed by the fact he was entertained and I was left out on whatever he had been doing.

"you know the guy I just showed you?"

"Um, yes?"

"Can he get your number?" he said with a begging look. Now I know what I was left out of.

"What?" called it. He was texting someone.

"Can he?" Garrott asked again, enhancing his puppy dog eyes.

"I mean sure?" my migraine was getting worse, I was only giving Garrot the short answers that would keep him satisfied and had me not doing a lot of talking.

"aww, you're so sweet." The sarcasm in his voice ruined the compliment.

"I wish you meant that, jerk. " I laughed while pulling up my phone to give him my number. Showing it to Garrott so he could take a photo of it to send to this mystery boy, wondering if he even wants my number, Garrot probably convinced this guy. I lay back down and pulled a pillow over my face, the lighting in my room made my head hurt even worse. I tried to close my eyes for a second until not even one minute later I heard my phone ping, the notification from a random number.

Random number: Hi

"Is this him?" I asked Garrott, holding my phone up to his face. He leaned in to get a better look at the screen to read the small notification.

"Yeah, that's him I think." He said before I laid back again.

Me: Heyyy|

I typed into my phone but I didn't send anything just yet. Is that too many ‘y’s? Am I being weird? After a good 3 minutes of deciding:

Me: Hi, you’re Garrott's friend I'm guessing?

I ended up sending that message

Random number: yeah I'm that guy

I smiled at his response, "Garrott, what's his name?" I asked.

"It's Anthony," he responded.

Me: you’re Anthony?

Anthony: yeah…and you are?

Me: Mariana

Anthony: That's a pretty name I've never heard before :)

My face felt warm and I was happy. I was happy. I caught myself and removed the smile I had from my face. Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear I looked up at Garrott. He was looking back at me with a stupid smirk on his face.

"Well I can see you’re already enjoying this so have fun, I have to go home," Garrott said, getting up off my desk chair and grabbing his bag. Garrott has been my best friend for four years, and he's always trying to set me up with one of his friends. He tells me “You are lonely and it is making me annoyed”. So far out of the nine friends I was set up with, not one of them has lasted more than a week. It's not something to brag about, but it does start to make me feel lonely.

"Oh okay, bye! Close the door behind you please."

"Okay, bye." he grabbed his bag and hugged my head before walking out. I rolled back on my stomach and tucked a pillow under my arms, I got another text from Anthony.

Anthony: Can I see a photo of you?

Garrot said he was going to show him the photos I sent. explaining why he hadn’t…

Garrott: oh and those photos were not hot send him something better.

Of course. Gosh, sometimes I think God sent me a Garrott to test my anger issues. I sat up from my comfortable position and looked in my mirror that was across from my bed on the wall. I don't look hot right now either. I went to my bathroom and wrapped my hair in a pink claw clip so it wouldn't look like I was trying too hard. I threw on a graphic t-shirt that had a picture of Jesse Reye’s 2020 album cover on the front. She was my favorite artist and her music is so therapeutic to scream at the top of your lungs in a car. I put on some shorts that were just found on the floor of my bathroom, there is a fifty percent chance these were clean.

*Hold on*. What am I doing? I've never even met this guy and I'm already losing my mind. He's going to be like every other boy and leave so what's the point? I pulled my hair out of the clip and brushed it, then slipped on the pajama pants I was wearing before. I went back to my bedroom and laid on my bed. My room is a mess. I stared at Anthony’s text for a second and opened my camera. Smiling, I took a photo and stared at it. Good enough.

Me: there

I sent the photo and placed my phone on my nightstand. Not even ten seconds later I heard my phone ping but I didn't look at it. Instead, I rolled off my bed and pulled myself up to my desk. Opening my laptop I went straight to my group chat.

Me:  Is anyone awake? 

No response, I spun around in my chair and stared at my phone on the nightstand. Dragging myself back to my bed I unlocked my phone to read Anthony’s response on the photo I sent. My eyes opened wider to make sure I was reading his response right.

Anthony: Wow you really are pretty, Garrott was right.

I'm not mad at Garrott anymore, to be honest, I'm not even thinking about Anthony’s comment that Garrott supposedly said I was pretty. The only thing I'm thinking about is why was this random guy's words made me feel all warm and happy.

Me: thanks! :) 

Anthony: Yeah, of course.

We talked for another hour but eventually, he went to sleep. It was now one a.m. in the morning. My migraine went away a few minutes ago but it was harsh in the end, staring at my phone probably wasn't helping. I placed my phone on my dresser to charge and dragged my hands over my face. Why was I smiling again? I don't know why this guy is different but he's probably gonna be gone in two days at most.

The next morning I woke up squinting my eyes to the bright lights switched on in my bedroom.

"Wake up Rue we gotta leave to go to meet your mom at the Sheetz gas station in 20 minutes," my dad said tugging on the end of my bed. Rue was the nickname given by my aunt who was ‘exiled’ from the family when she divorced my uncle.  “Your sister isn't going to the beach with you guys, correct?”

“Yes…” I mumbled pulling a pillow over my head.

“Come on we aren't gonna be late because of you.” he walked out and shut the door.

"Okay, okay damn..." slowly I pulled myself up to sit recumbent in my bed. I looked around the room and then at my alarm, it was 6:32 am. When i looked out my window i realized it was still dark outside. I pulled myself up dragging myself off my comfort and walking over to my vanity to stare into my mirror, I pulled on my face in examination.

Once i was done looking at my streaking mascara and my eye bags, i went over and plugged in my computer after a second the screen lit up with 78 messages from the group chat. Of course, they answered my text once I was asleep.

Letting out a deep breath and returning to sit on the edge of my bed. I tapped on my phone screen and it lit up in the dark room. It was 3 messages. Two from my friend Sadie.

Sadie: WE ARE GOING TO THE BEACH! The first text is read in all capitals. WHOOP WHOOP! the other said followed by an assortment of emojis.

Me: we'll see you at 8! I smiled to myself.

I sent it with a surfing and crab emoji. When I went to check my other message I stopped and read over the just sent "good morning" text from Anthony. Smiling, I went back to read the other messages I had received.

Lorenzo: Hey, we haven't talked in a while. Miss ya!

The message was from my boyfriend. My smile instantly drifted and guilt filled my heart, I should have never texted Anthony last night. I should have been talking to my boyfriend. I started to lose feelings for Lorenzo a while ago but that's no excuse, he's still my boyfriend. I'm just like my dad, don't get me wrong I love my father but he also said he loved my mom. Now I'm at his house normalizing the fact he eats dinner with another woman. He's sleeping in the same room with her and ten years ago he made the same promises he did to my mom to another woman, and she was in another white dress, with a ring on her finger. I ignored the message and switched back over to Anthony’s message.

Me: Good morning! I said back. He answered quickly

Anthony: How did you sleep?

Me: I slept well. 

I responded and then switched over to Snapchat. Staring while scrolling down the long list of unopened snaps. My boyfriend didn't like the fact I had Snapchat cause I would have at least 200 snaps daily. It is obscene, I know, and by no means am I trying to brag, I used to know all these people. Over time they just turned into extra notifications on my phone.  I opened a few and then turned my phone back on Do Not Disturb. I flopped back on my bed with my arms spread and let out a long breath. I need to be happy, I need to smile, and there is nothing wrong with me. After five minutes of convincing myself to start the day, I picked myself up and went to my dresser.

Taking the white crop top and the light gray sweatpants, I then placed them on my bed. The white top was from my friend Alejandro. He's not my friend, he doesn't like me calling him that. I do care about him though, his dad was involved in some illegal stuff and his mom didn't want him so he lives with most of his family in South Carolina. Though I rarely see him, I will always have a small spot for him in my heart if he ever needs something. Occasionally he will send me a note card from the places he would travel to, but other than that I have no reason to feel any other emotion for him other than friendly love.

Once I put on the outfit I shoved all my folded clothes on top of my dresser into my bag, then I straightened the comforter on my bed. then i. messed up the bed I just fixed up by laying back again, and checked my messages one last time before going to the car. A text from Anthony, my friend Sadie, and my boyfriend. I sat there in gaze.

How do I respond to Lorenzo?...