Seven Unfortunate Lifetimes

Author: Jiu Lu Fei Xiang - 九鹭非香

Prologue ~

Xiao Xiang Zi, a cloud spirit in heaven, and Chu Kong mess up the red strings of fate by accident during their brawl.

As a consequence,

they are sentenced to be a fated couple in the mortal realm for 7 lifetimes as a punishment for not getting along with each other.

However, Xiang Zi sneakily reincarnates without erasing her memory, and unlike Chu Kong, she retains awareness and uses it to her advantage.

...

The both of us, bruises littering our whole bodies, knelt before the Jade Emperor. He said, “You have ruined the future of lovers. I’m punishing you with seven lifetimes of fated, mutual love.”

“Wait.” The young man beside me risked his life and interrupted the Jade Emperor.

“You mean me and …her? This fierce…fierce woman who looks like a man—you want me to have seven lifetimes of fated love with her?”

His voice had changed; maybe he had been scared out of his wits.

I had also been scared out of my wits and could only look at the Jade Emperor in horror…

The Jade Emperor nodded in confirmation.

I felt my body fall limp. All my hope had vanished.

The Jade Emperor pondered for a moment before he asked, “Tou Ta Li, are you there?”

A rough man had yelled, “I’m here.”

The Jade Emperor stroked his long beard and said, “This matter will be handed to you.”

“Understood.”

His answer was full of energy, which made my heart beat faster. I took a deep breath, ' I'm doomed. '

...

I am a puff of auspicious cloud. One hundred years ago as I was drifting in front of Yue Lao’s house (*), the sloshed fogy suddenly turned me into a spiritual entity on a drunken whim. After he sobered up, he stroked his beard and tried to defend himself: “Ah, you’re a puff of cloud fated for divinity. From now on, let’s call you Xiao Xiang Zi." (*)

\*Yue Lao – old man under the moon aka the matchmaker god who ties couples who are meant-to-be with red silk strings.

\*Her name means ‘lucky baby girl’, but the format used is similar to how a eunuch would typically be named, starting with Xiao (little) and ending with Zi (child).

At the time, I was too naïve to notice what was wrong with the name I was given, and so I obediently nodded.

Thereafter, I donned a woman’s body and bore a eunuch’s name as I lived in Yue Lao’s home and became the old man’s helper. The fogy gave me three meals a day plus some pocket money for snacks and drinks in exchange for my watching over the mess of red strings in the Yue Lao temple.

As time went by, it soon became hundreds of years for which I had unwittingly labored for Yue Lao. I thought that my days would continue to be spent sitting in front of his temple and counting white puffs of clouds drifting by. But I was told by everyone who came before me that a boring story would waste the readers’ precious time. I therefore am going to make sure not to disappoint anyone.

That day, a nightmarish guy fell from Heaven-knows-how-far above and plunged head-first onto the carpet of red clouds in front of Yue Lao’s temple, making noises just like the ones I made whenever my stomach digested food and farted air out.

Because I was dozing off at the time, I only blinked at him a few times sleepily. The boy dressed in red struggled to pull his head out of the red cloud carpet, stared straight at me, and then all of a sudden raged: “Stupid brat, stop sitting there to watch. Don’t you know to come over and help me?”

His yelling woke me up. I stared wide-eyed at him for a moment: “Didn’t you already get out?”

He glared at me peevishly, then stood up while brushing off his clothes before looking at me disdainfully. “One look and I knew you’re a maid from the destitute Yue Lao estate. You don’t even have eyes!”

I yawned lazily and wiggled my butt around for a more comfortable sitting position against the stepping stones. “Ain’t got no eye boogers,” I said, digging my ears, “but I have plenty of earwax. Look!” and flicked something out from my finger.

The boy leaned to the side in disgust; contempt filled his eyes. “What can come from a beggarly master but a beggarly maid?”

Even though I normally didn’t like that old drunkard who went around to steal booze, he was still my boss who had been feeding me for several hundred years. At least on the surface, he was family. Family can hate each other, but family cannot let outsiders badmouth us for even half a syllable.

Squinting my eyes, I looked the boy up and down and said, “I heard everyone from the Morning God’s estate loves to primp and preen. Among the twelve gay men there, the next is more beautiful than the one before him. I didn’t believe it at first, but you’re really opening my eyes with that getup of yours.” I watched the boy’s face turn blue with rage and gave him a smug smile. “May I ask which gay one you are?”

“How dare you!” He waved his hand to form a whip out of thin air before ruthlessly cracking it my way.

Even though I was pretty lazy and didn’t like doing anything, ever since I learned the universal truth that I’d be bullied if I weren’t strong enough, I never fell behind on my practice. After a few centuries, I could be considered to have achieved some basic magical powers. His whipping was hard and fast, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.

With that said, he cracked that thing so suddenly that I wasn’t prepared for it, and in the process, got my round fan whipped to shreds.

I completely froze.

The cost of living wasn’t high in Heaven, but Yue Lao was ridiculously stingy. After buying a few jars of wine, there was never much left of the daily allowance he gave me. This round fan was bought with the savings I’d scraped for decades. The Weaver Girl only sold it to me at a discount after I begged and begged. I hadn’t even played with it for that long, and yet… and yet this bastard had gone and shredded it?

I couldn’t tell whether the surging emotions inside of me were ultimately anger or pain. All I knew was that I had to give him a good beating before I could cool down today. I rolled up my sleeves and tied back my hair – the hair I hadn’t bothered to tie for the last century.

“Come over here,” I told him as I knotted my hair. “I’ll give you two choices.”

He held the whip in his hand as he looked at me in disdain. I so wanted to wipe that smile off his face.

Patting my tightly coiled bun, I stood on the steps in front of Yue Lao’s hall and raised a finger: “One, pay me. Two, work your debt off.”

The boy sneered: “Who the hell do you think you are?”

I cracked my fingers. “I’m an ominous cloud that will curse you for life. Quake in your boots, fool.”

He raised a surprised eyebrow at my gusty resistance. “You have some nerve to challenge me when you’re nothing but a puny maidservant with only a few hundred years of cultivation…” His words hardly landed by the time I used a spell to make the thick cloud carpet under his feet sinking like a quicksand swamp. He was caught dumbfounded. While he wasn’t reacting, I flashed my sparkly white teeth and gave his chest a shove.

He was startled, but since his feet were stuck, he couldn’t move anywhere. I clung to his shoulders and smiled: “You smell so nice,” and then unhesitatingly chomped down on him…

My magical powers were beyond terrible. Here, everyone easily had tens of thousands of years in cultivation; I might not even register as a blip in the rankings. Since using magic to fight with him was no different from scratching his itch, I didn’t even bother to fight. There was also heavenly law here that would prevent him from killing me. I just wanted to draw blood for now.

I clenched my jaws and used more strength. He screamed and kicked up a fuss. For the moment, he forgot all about magic and pulled on my hair instead. The bun I knotted so prettily was now all messed up. I clung to his waist in a death grip and refused to let go.

“Are you a dog? On second thought, you’re a donkey! A jackass! Let go of me!”

“Ay eee, orh I ite yoo!” (Pay me, or I’ll bite you!) My speech came out in a mumbo jumbo. I honestly think I’m quite sweet normally. If this jerk hadn’t thrown my decades of savings down the drain I wouldn’t have fought with him so adamantly.

After wrestling with him for a while, saliva began to drip outside of my control and soon mixed with his blood, soaking his red garment into a wet patch at the shoulder. Thinking it was kind of rude, I stopped biting to swallow my drool back. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to drool on you. This spot is dirty, I’ll bite somewhere else.” I immediately switched to a different place to bite and continued to relentlessly demand: “Ay ee, orh I ite yoo!”

The boy froze for a moment. Since I was latching onto him, I could feel his chest heaving up and down as he shook with anger. “You’re going to bite me then tell me I’m dirty?! You’re telling me I’m dirty?!” He folded his whip into a shorter length and ‘pop’, I felt my butt go numb. Then, a tingling pain slowly spread to my flesh. I bawled, releasing him.

I was simultaneously stunned and furious: “You ruined my stuff and won’t pay, then even have the nerve to spank me?!”

He was also simultaneously stunned and furious: “You’re the one to talk. So what if I spank you? So what? So what?!” For every ‘so what’, he gave me another spank. The smarting pain traveled from my bottom to my head.

“No one had ever spanked me!” I shrieked, and then butted my head into his recklessly. Little birdies began to circle the both of us. Unable to control the spell under our feet, the cloud carpet changed back to its original form.

While he was still woozy, I grabbed his hair and shook him till he lost balance and fell to the ground. But he soon recovered and yanked my hair as he pressed me to the ground with him.

We rolled as we fought, fighting from outside all the way inside, pulling each other’s hair, pinching each other’s nose, yanking each other’s ears. Not using any spells, we stubbornly resorted to our fists to solve our problem, beating each other to a bloody pulp.

I don’t know for how long we were entangled, or how many bookshelves we knocked down before we finally attracted Yue Lao’s attention who was buzzed in the backyard.

“Holy Mother of Chang’e!” (*) Yue Lao wailed: “The red strands! The red strands are all tangled!”

\*Chang’e – goddess of the Moon

I could still remember saying to the bastard before

we fought, “I’ll make your life become like dark clouds.”

Recalling this now, what I had said was too one-sided.

When the both of us, bruises littering our whole bodies, knelt before the Jade Emperor, he thought for a while after hearing about what we had done to the red strings. He said, “Ease of manner is to be prized. The two of you have committed a wrong, thus punishment is justifiable. You have ruined the future of lovers. I’m punishing you with seven lifetimes of fated, mutual love. This can help you two clear your resentment as well.”

“Wait.” The young man beside me risked his life and interrupted the Jade Emperor.

“You mean me and …her? This fierce…fierce woman who looks like a man—you want me to have seven lifetimes of fated love with her?”

His voice had changed; maybe he had been scared out of his wits.

I had also been scared out of my wits and could only look at the Jade Emperor in horror…

The Jade Emperor nodded in confirmation.

I felt my body fall limp. All my hope had vanished. I realize that from now on, not only would I become the young man’s dark cloud, he would also become mine. When we came together, it would be like thunderclouds.

“Xiao Xiang Zi, you’re still Yue Lao’s subordinate. In these seven lifetimes, however, you can’t contact him.”

The Jade Emperor pondered for a moment before he asked, “Tou Ta Li, are you there?”

A rough man holding an urn had yelled, “I’m here.”

The Jade Emperor stroked his long beard and said, “This matter will be handed to you.”

“Understood.”

His answer was full of energy, which made my heart beat faster. I took a deep breath and raised my head to look at the Heavenly Emperor Li. His life in heaven had made him fat.

Sensing that I had been looking at him, he had turned around. His face was brimmed with radiance, and his cheeks turned upwards when he laughed. Uncle had laughed so beautifully.

I felt my mouth tighten, my always healthy heart beat like crazy. I took another deep breath. The always-healthy me felt like I was about to die at a moment’s notice.

The Jade Emperor nodded in satisfaction. “Xiao Xiang Zi, do you still have anything left to say?”

I wanted to say that it was Yue Lao who had messed up the red strings while was drunk. If the red strings were messed up, then let them be messed up. There was no need to punish me in such a vicious way!

I glanced at Yue Lao, and he gazed at me pitifully, as if pleading me to not expose him. I turned back around and continued taking deep breaths.

“May I curse?”

“No.”

“Then…I have nothing to say.”

The Jade Emperor nodded in satisfaction and turned to the young man. “Celestial Star Chu Kong, do you have anything left to say?”

Chu Kong…So the young man was the Mao Celestial Star.

Amongst the twelve Celestial Stars, he is the oldest. He looked after the first month of the year. I finally learned the identity of the young man who would spend seven lifetimes with me.

I looked up at the ceiling then and thought that this world was truly ironic.

The young man beside me stayed silent for a long time, until my curious eyes had fallen on his face. He said with a straight and pale face, “Although it is our fault for the red strings had been messed up in Yue Lao’s house this time, I swear on the God of the Day that this woman messed up more red strings than I. Therefore, can you let this woman suffer a little more every lifetime?”

I stood up and wanted to pick a fight with him again. Heavenly Emperor Li came to my side and pressed me down.

He said calmly, “I will look at this matter fairly.”

Although Heavenly Emperor Li’s figure had gotten out of shape, his temperament had still been the same. I nodded gratefully, feeling that there was still love in this world.

When the sentence was over, everyone had returned to their place. All across the temple, I had heard Heavenly Emperor Li’s laugh, “I love seeing the little wife chasing the husband, hahahaha!”

I had stood there, slowly turning into a lonely shadow.

Yue Lao brought me back to the underworld. He patted my shoulder and sighed, “Xiao Xiang…”

I glared at him until he didn’t dare to say the words he was about to say. He sighed again. “No one will look after the temple now that you’re gone. What do I do now?”

I had pouted, saying, “Drink less; that way, you can help me accumulate more virtue.”

Yue Lao pinched his beard in loneliness. I didn’t possess the heart to be mean to him. Even though he had always been stingy, had been a little confused, and had never adhered to the books, he hadn’t treated me badly. He had been unlike other fairies, who treated their own kind with beatings and harsh words.

I comforted him. “One day in heaven is one year in the mortal realm. At most, seven lifetimes will only be a year. I’ll be back soon.”

Yue Lao had shaken his head and turned around with a hunched back.

Watching his departing figure completely disappear from the underworld, I turned around and looked at the tall gate.

The Nether World. These three words on the gate had appeared to be gloomy.I removed the wine jar from my waist, looked up at the wine spirits, and then walked to the gate.

I thought, There’s nothing to be afraid of. Just think of it as coming down to see the world.

There had been more spirits each passing day, wondering how to form a well-behaved row in front of the bridge. Six little spirits had been giving those rows a bowl of soup. The old Madam Meng had been sitting to the side, dozing off.

I randomly chose a row and entered the Nether World. It had almost been my turn to drink Madam Meng’s soup, but I still didn’t see that bastard Chu Kong.

While I was wondering if he had already reincarnated, a golden light flashed in the dark Nether World, making all the spirits dazzled.

I glanced back. The one in red, full of virtue, wasn’t that the bastard? There was also a young girl in pink by his side.

Chu Kong, who had been so fierce when he was fighting with me, looked gently at the girl in pink. In the stillness of the Nether World, beside the flow of the river, I could clearly hear him say, “Ying Shi, don’t worry. I’ll be back soon. We’re both men, so Heavenly Emperor Li will not let me suffer any losses.”

“Even if it’s like that, brother Chu Kong, you need to pay attention to your safety. I heard that Yue Lao temple’s Xiao Xian Zi has a weird temper. You…you and her together, you need to be wary of her.”

I had looked up at the heaven and thought about what I had done to let this little white flower describe me in that way.

The little spirit coughed twice to remind me to take my soup. I laughed embarrassed and took the soup. I was about to drink it when I had heard Chu Kong say, “Don’t worry. Even though her temper is strange, her power and martial arts are both below mine. She can’t do anything to me.”

I narrowed my eyes and glared at the man who looked like a dog.

Chu Kong said, “Wait and see how I will handle that eunuch Xiao Xian Zi for seven lifetimes…”

The word ‘eunuch’ caused me to shake in anger, the bowl of Madam Meng’s soup shaking together with me.

Chu Kong added, “Then I’ll go count the stars at Morningstar Hall with you.”

“Count your ass…!” I roared. In front of the little spirit, I threw Madam Meng’s soup at the bastard.

The soup flung skyward while the empty bowl landed on Chu Kong’s face. He groaned, covered his face and yelled.

The eyes that I remembered from our previous encounter had finally been turned purple by me.

I retorted, “Standing there with those panda eyes and yelling rubbish, don’t you feel pain?” Chu Kong felt the pain a little later. He then looked up with eyes full of rage.

The pink-clad Ying Shi beside him kept mumbling about how her heart was pained at seeing him hurt. From her agonized expression, it felt like I had struck her instead.

I sneered. Chu Kong gritted his teeth and looked at me. I saw that a spell had been forming in his hands. It looked like he wanted to give me a deathly blow. My calm heart suddenly raced. After all, in terms of spells, mine were below Chu Kong’s.

At that exact moment, the little spirit had interjected, “You…You threw the soup! Do you want to rebel?!”

His loud voice had woken Madam Meng up. When Madam Meng moved, the atmosphere in the Nether world turned gloomier. As I am only a cloud, my legs suddenly turned weak. While I trembled, I pointed at Chu Kong. “It was him! He wants to rebel. That bastard didn’t want to drink the soup. He wanted to see what will happen if I don’t drink the soup. I was forced to do this!”

“Ah?” A deep and husky voice echoed through the Nether World, making it hard for people to breathe.

“Who doesn’t want to drink the soup that I made?”

Madam Meng stood up. She was twenty feet tall, casting a shadow in the Nether World.

When she saw the broken bowl in front of Chu Kong, she yelled, “Who dares to not drink the soup? This old lady boiled the soup all day. You bastards dare to waste all my efforts?!”

As she spoke, a huge body had quickly flown above the spirit, so fast that it was inconsistent with her weight. She landed in front of Chu Kong, scaring everyone. Even Chu Kong had a pale face.

I looked around and saw that nobody was paying attention to me, so I ran and crossed the bridge of reincarnation.

Before going into reincarnation, I looked back. I only saw the spirits running around and yelling. Madam Meng had been with Chu Kong. Chu Kong had been looking at me. His eyes were filled of hatred, wanting nothing more than to cut me into thousands of pieces.

I paused for a moment, feeling that I went a bit overboard…Before jumping in the circle of reincarnation, I gave him a thumbs-up.

Madam Meng had pinched him, causing him to be even more embarrassed. I smacked my butt and happily walked into the circle of reincarnation.

Chu Kong will not get past without drinking the soup of oblivion. This lifetime, I’ll be born first, and I’ll still have my memory from my previous life. I’m stronger than him.

In other words… Little bastard, just wait and see how you’ll die.

...