I didn't expected this to happen

Could this be a sign? Is it bad? Is it good? I don't know to be honest.

I just wanted to enjoy life as it is. But my eyes opened and made me see things I didn't saw before. I wanted to ignore my thoughts, but they just always resurface, and it makes me insane.

Never have I ever felt this frustrated with my feelings. Never have I ever thought of things like this. But..... When you came, it made me feel things. And I'm afraid because it doesn't feel unpleasant. I'm afraid because I've never felt this way to anyone before. I'm afraid because I like how giddy I feel. Usually it's just a simple crush, but somehow you managed to always plague my mind day and night.

I told myself that if I confess to you, my feelings would fade away eventually. But..... I hesitated. Because I'm actually afraid you'll reject me. That you'll ignore me and it'll affect our friendship.

I actually wrote you a poem expressing my feelings for you. I planned to read it out loud to everyone at the confessions in our Christmas Party, but they cancelled the confessions, so I didn't have the chance to read it. It's like the universe is telling me personally to not tell you.

"Should I or should I not?" This is the question that always occur to me whenever you're close. I'm usually a confident person, but you somehow make me shy and stutter my words. Hell I can't even look at you straight in the eyes. I sound pathetic, don't I? I'm a coward for not confessing my feelings. But can you blame me? I just don't handle rejections as well as others do.

You also always call me "My child". Did I just get daughter zoned? I think I did. Damn I didn't even confess yet, but it seems like I already got rejected, and it's worse than being friend zoned. You would always tickle me and I would always tickle you back. You would also look out for me. It only added my feelings for you.

I'm actually envious of my friend for having the guts to confess to you and even though she got rejected she's not affected by it and acted all normal again. I'm envious to how she deals with it. I can't believe I actually feel this way and I somehow don't dislike it. I like liking you. I feel something for you. And I'm tired of pretending I don't. I'm tired of pretending I have feelings for someone, so I won't be too obvious.

I think I'm actually good at hiding my feelings because even our other friends didn't find out how I felt. I think I got too good at hiding my feelings that it became impossible for them to think I like you.

Hiding my feelings for you feels heavy to my chest. I don't like hiding. I want to be seen. By you. I want my feelings to be known. By you. But it's hard.

Many may say that I'm just overreacting but I do feel this way. And I'm tired of it. And I can't stop because I'm afraid.

I wanted to tell you so bad..... "I like you...... *Gabriell**e*"

It was nighttime when I got a notification from our group chat for STEM Applicants. ( STEM - Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics)

"The results are out. You can check it on Facebook. Congratulations to those who passed!" Ma'am Daisy chatted.

I immediately went to their page on Facebook to check if I got accepted. I was nervous since it's like going through the STE examinations again. Which I didn't passed. So I'm really nervous.

Many thoughts were going on my mind.

What if I didn't passed? What if I failed? Will I have to feel the pain I felt before? Rejection? Will I?

As I scrolled on the post and I saw it. My name. My name was on the list! On the list to those who passed!

I ran out my room to tell my parents who were on our front porch.

"I passed!" I yelled excitedly at them. They congratulated me and told me they were really proud at me.

I went back to my room. I couldn't sleep anymore. I wasn't sleepy all of a sudden. Maybe it's adrenaline? I don't know. But all I know now is I'm now in the strand of my dreams.

...Time Skip...

Outside of the classroom I was already nervous. Now that I'm inside how do think I feel? I feel nervous as hell! I can't even feel my legs. I'm glad there are some people here that I know. Like my friends from grade 10 that got accepted as well and also my friends in elementary.

"I thought I won't make it" my friend Clark told me.

He's my friend since grade 7. Fun fact, we're actually exes. We got together back in 2021 and broke up after 9 months. But we're still cool. He's actually the first person I told that I'm attracted to both genders and I'm also surprised that he too was.

"I'm actually surprised that I passed. I think I got in because of luck" I told him as we continue to chat and laugh together.

The door opened and that's when I saw him. I've seen him before. He's one of those students who are known all over the school. He's one of those who are incredibly smart. Gabrielle Davis. I've heard so much about him from my friends in his class. And to be honest I'm quite intrigued by him.

I turn back to my friend and continued with our conversation.

...Time skip - A week later...

The seating arrangements were settled and I'm actually surprised that I got to be in the same table as Gabrielle and also I'm sitting across from him.

At first I was a little nervous since we literally didn't know each other. Luckily I know quite a few people on our table. I cannot forget how many times I avoided eye contact with him since I'm.... What do you call it? Intimidated?

"He seems like a good guy" I told myself.