I remember reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid when I was little, that's why I stuck the "of a nobody" in front of "diary". If my therapist is gonna make me waste my time writing about my day then I might as well make it fun. But it's true, I can't be wimpy if nobody even knows my name. It's not like my mom could even afford a therapist, the school had to help her out, yeah, I'm basically going to school-manaded therapy. I can tell my therapist how I feel, the only problem is I can't quite tell her why, that's why she's having me write down stuff about my day at the end of every day. Today wasn't good, Ayesha's boyfriend shoved me into a locker and then apologized like it was an accident, but I doubt I could ever explain school drama to my therapist. I think it's like a pyramid, I drew it out once.

At the top you have the people no one bothers, the "queen bees" although not all of them are girls, but the girls are the most cruel anyway, underneath them are their "friends and allies", below them are their "sheep", people that hang on every word they say, dreaming one day they'll move up to the "friends and allies" rank. Below them are the "averages", they have big friend groups but they aren't extremely popular, and they don't usually care about being popular, they care more about getting good grades and having fun with their friends, in my opinion, that makes them above everyone else. Then you have the "somebodies" they're somebody because they know somebody, they usually have 1-4 friends and stay away from anyone that isn't a friend, maybe they wish to move up in the ranks or maybe they're fine with where they are. Then, at the bottom you have the nobodies, they're nobody because nobody knows them. That's where I am in the ranks, and there's no way I can move up in them.

I'm comfortable with where I am on the ranks, sure, I wouldn't mind having some friends to talk to but that's just not something that happens to me. Everyone thinks I'm homeless, it's just a rumour, but my family isn't the wealthiest. Just this week my mom found out how much money we’re spending on water. She got mad because she knew I had been taking very long showers recently, she basically banned me from showering and told me if I wanted to shower then I could ask our neighbour to use her shower. Doesn't she know that's social suicide? I can't admit to being poor, I've been fighting those rumours for years. So...I smell. I'm aware I smell, all my teachers make fun of me for it, but I'd like to see them struggle as much as my mom is right now. I'd like to see them work up the courage to ask someone else to use their shower.

As much as I hated the diary idea it kind of worked, if I read this at my next appointment I'd be able to pick out many specific things that bother me: My family is poor, I don't have any friends and asking someone to use their shower is fucking weird.

I saw my therapist last Friday and she said the diary was really helpful for the both of us, it gave me things to talk about and it helped her to figure out what's wrong with me, I guess.

I got to work on my mural today. I never talked about my mural to my therapist before but maybe I should. It's a small corner of the school my art teacher allowed me to paint at the end of my freshman year, I think she felt bad because I spent all my lunches in the art room and clearly didn't have any friends anymore, but regardless I paint over it every year and redo it, it's like the one part of the school that belongs to me. Anyway I painted it white again at the beginning of the year and now I've started painting a swamp. Last year I heard people complain that my mural looked like a leftover Halloween decoration so this year I'm trying to do less bats and spider webs. I only got to blocking the colours today, I guess I'll start adding details tomorrow. As I was working on my mural I heard a lot of giggling followed by a lot of shushing coming from a little indent in the hallway that led to a closet. I was curious what was happening so I peaked out from the corner I was painting my mural on and stepped carefully through the hallway until I could spot who was in that little indent. I saw Ayesha with some boy, I don't know who he is but I know he wasn't her boyfriend. I don't care much about school drama but it was just weird. Yes, popular people at our school have scandals all the time but not Ayesha Denitcha, she's always said she's above it all, her friends fight and she just laughs at them, like she's a god among men. The thing about Ayesha is she isn't the typical Regina George or Heather Chandler, she wears jeans to make it look like she's not trying as hard, she doesn't wear crop tops, she wears tank tops and sweaters so it doesn't look like she's flaunting how skinny she is. And the main difference is, she doesn't get in trouble, she isn't mean. Well, she isn't mean in the way you'd expect her to be. She gives "advice", like "you'd be so much prettier if you put a little concealer on those eye bags" or "try using more skincare products, they'll really help with your acne"

It's bullying disguised behind a layer of "I'm just helping!!" Once she told me if I tried wearing more colours maybe guys would notice me instead of mistaking me for a shadow. I like black, so what? I don't want a guy who doesn't get that anyway. In fact, I don't want a guy at all, they're too much work. But imagine if my lack of a boyfriend was my biggest insecurity? That's what she does, she finds out your biggest insecurity and comments on it like it's nothing, like she's too godly to have any of her own. She destroys people that way, like my friend, Yinnie. Yinnie was my friend at the very beginning of freshman year, before I had started my mural. We had the same art class but she was more into acting than visual arts. We used to talk about making a movie, not a school film but a movie, a real one you'd see in the theatres. She loved to act and I loved to tell stories so I'd tell her all about my idea for a horror movie, I called it "Trapped". Yinnie would have played as the scared mother, the victim. Of course Yinnie took drama class and auditioned for the school musical, she couldn't sing at all but still managed to get a part. She worried she wouldn't get into the musical because of her speech impediment, she slurred her words and had a bad stutter. I told her she had all the raw talent and ambition in the world, and that's what really matters. She got the part and she was ecstatic, coincidentally, Ayesha tried out for the same role but did not get the part. Only year twelves were allowed to have the main role in any play, despite that Ayesha still wanted that role, but she settled for a very likeable side character, the same character Yinnie had dreamed of playing. Me and Yinnie had a sleepover and went over her lines for ages. I was happy to help her, and I thought it was funny that I was playing all the other characters for her, I switched into different accents for each one, I even did Mickey Mouse for one of them. Ayesha went up to Yinnie during rehearsal one day and said she was glad Yinnie had gotten the part. She said she was glad the school was giving special treatment to the less fortunate, and that a couple of years ago a "special needs" person would never have gotten a role over a popular girl, she said she was so glad this school was so progressive. Yinnie told me what Ayesha said and asked me if they only cast her for the part to look progressive and charitable. I asked her if her drama teacher liked her, she said yes, I told her art teachers only like kids who take art seriously, so why would a drama teacher like her? She said it must be because she takes acting seriously. I then asked her what makes a good actor, she said you have to really know your character and what they think like, you have to know how they feel and how they express that. I told her that's exactly what she spent the sleepover with me doing, practicing and getting into character. I think I made her feel a bit better. I hope I made her feel a bit better. I was with her on the opening night of the play, talking to her as she got into costume, then I took my seat in the auditorium. The play took longer than expected to start, and when it did start, Ayesha was playing the part Yinnie was supposed to be playing. I instantly knew Ayesha had done something, but I was more concerned about what happened to Yinnie. I checked backstage and I couldn't find her, I checked everywhere in the auditorium, then I checked the school. Eventually I texted her and she told me she never wanted to show her face at school again. I pushed her to tell me what happened and she finally did. Ayesha went up to her backstage and wished her good luck, that's when Yinnie exploded at her and yelled that she got the part because of her talent and not because the school wanted to look charitable. Ayesha asked her why they put “Ayesha” on the casting list if Yinnie was meant to have the part, Yinnie said that her name was on the casting list. Ayesha showed her a version of the casting list that had her name attached to the character Yinnie was supposed to be playing, but Yinnie refused. She said that Ayesha obviously made this up and printed out a version of the list with her name on it to get under her skin. Ayesha asked "What about the email, then?", Yinnie asked her what email she was talking about. Ayesha said there was an email open on the play organizer's computer. Yinnie said she didn't believe her, but she checked anyway, and there it was. The version of the casting list without her on it, being emailed to the principal for approval.

As Yinnie read the email, Ayesha crouched down to her level and told Yinnie she was so glad she got this opportunity to be a star, since real directors don't cast people who have... difficulty reading their lines. Being an actor was all Yinnie dreamed about, and her speech impediment was her biggest insecurity, the fact that her speech impediment meant she could never be an actor destroyed her. She said she was mad at me for lying to her, she thought I only said she was an amazing actor to humour her. Then…she moved away. I miss my friend Yinnie and I hate Ayesha for convincing her she was nothing when she was clearly everything. I don't care if she was only given that role in the play to make the school look kind and charitable, she deserved it because of her talent. There have been so many stories like Yinnie's, stories of lives destroyed thanks to Ayesha. That's why no one dares to mess with her, but I wish someone would. Maybe if someone took her off her throne she would learn what it's like to be us.

That's why when I saw her kissing someone who wasn't her boyfriend, I took a picture. I don't dare to mess with her, I really shouldn't get involved with people like her, but it's comforting to know I have something on her.

Maybe she isn't as perfect as she pretends to be.

Last time I wrote for hours about what happened to my friend Yinnie, so that's what I talked to my therapist about. She asked me if I was scared to make another friend because I lost the only friend I had, I told her no one would want to be my friend anyway. She asked why, I said there were a lot of reasons. She asked what those reasons were, and I said I wasn't sure. I know I was being difficult but I really don't know what everyone hates about me, maybe I'm just too quiet or wear too much black? In other news, I can shower again. I think my hair has some damage to it or something though, it's basically a rat's nest I wear on my head at this point. Anyway my therapist told me to tell her why I think people would be reluctant to talk to me in our next session. I think I figured out the reason today.

It was English class, and my teacher decided we were going to another dreaded group project. Well, I'm the only one who dreads group projects, the rest of the class was ecstatic to be working with their friends, it sucks when you don't have any anymore. Teachers usually throw me in some random group only for them to be so disappointed they have to work with me. I always beg the teacher to just work alone but I knew that wouldn't work this time, I already tried that. Last time my English teacher told me I needed to learn teamwork skills since they would help me in a future job, but I don't know who he's kidding, high school is nothing like real life. After everyone found their group I went up to the teacher and told him I had no one to work with, everyone else was in neat pairs of two, I hoped that he wouldn't throw me into some other group because three people for one group would be unfair to all the others. Instead he told some guy named Raz that he couldn't work with some guy named Adrian because the last time they didn't complete any work. He told Adrian to work with some kid who wasn't here today, and told Raz to work with me. "Why don't you work with Camora?" are words I absolutely hate to hear, so I'm already not in the mood for this. Once I got a good look at my partner I realized who he was, Raz is the guy Ayesha was cheating with yesterday.

Okay...awkward. He loudly sighed and complained to his friend that he would have to work with "the emo", the feeling was mutual. Then Raz did something I wasn't expecting, he loudly asked the class if anyone knew what my name was. Everyone stayed silent, of course they didn't know what my name was, who actually pays attention during attendance? But it felt weird having everyone look at me with confused expressions wondering how long I had been in this class without them noticing my presence. Then he said that he didn't wanna work with me, the teacher told him he had to and he threw even more of a fit. It was just...awkward and embarrassing, like he wanted to intimidate me. Worst thing was, it kind of worked, I never once spoke or dared to stand up for myself, just kinda sat there looking at the floor. The whole time we worked on this stupid Shakespeare project he talked over me and kept acting like none of my ideas were good, like nothing I said mattered. I offered to do the poster since I knew I would get a horrible mark if I let him do it, and he made me show him some of my art to PROVE that I was good at it!!! And then he still insulted my art, he said it was so black and depressing, he said it looked like something out of a psych ward. I thought about not doing the poster at all to get back at him but since the project is a shared mark, my grades would also suffer from his terrible art skills. So I did the poster, it almost felt like admitting defeat. I was infuriated when I left that class, that was so embarrassing, it was so weird, why would anyone do that to another human being??? I pulled up the photo of Ayesha cheating with him, Ayesha would break apart from whatever they're doing now if she knew that someone saw her. That wouldn't be good for Raz, obviously he's helping Ayesha cheat because he wants to move up the ranks, I didn't know his name when I first saw him but I would if he was Ayesha's boyfriend. If he were to somehow...see that picture, if he were to know that someone saw what he did, maybe he would get knocked straight off his high horse. No, that wouldn't work, he would just keep that to himself, that wouldn’t hurt as much as Ayesha knowing. Yeah, if both Ayesha and him were to receive the picture they would both be put on edge, they both wouldn't be on their game anymore. But then I thought no, no I can't go around messing with the queen bees of the school, I'll get myself stung. Then I realized what I did back in English class, I led everyone to believe I was weak. I sat silently and took every harsh word he threw at me, that's not the type of person that would mess with him. He would never believe it was me. Someone like me would never dare to do such a thing, they would think someone else was doing it to try and steal their place at the top. This was scary, and a lot could go wrong, but I decided right then that this was the plan. My school has two printers, one in the office and one in the photography classroom, luckily for me, I have photography this semester. I can't print anything at home because well...we don't have a printer, but people go to the photography room all the time to print photos for various school projects. I told my photography teacher I had a poster I was making for English class and I needed to use the printer to print it out, instead my very nervous very shaky hands sent the photos of Ayesha cheating to the printer and then I guarded the printer to make sure no one would accidentally stumble upon these photos, that would ruin my anonymous identity. When the photos finished printing I quickly shoved them into the pocket of my jeans, and at the end of photography class I moved them onto the shelf at the top of my locker. Now obviously I wasn't going to put these pictures into their lockers where anyone could see me do such a thing, so I waited until everyone left. I told any teachers that questioned why I was sticking around that I was getting my stuff for music club, music club is pretty much the only non sports related club that runs after school hours. After I scanned the hallway and saw zero teachers, I quickly slipped a photo into Raz's locker and then Ayesha's locker. Then I got my bag and ran down the stairs hoping I was only home from school a little later than usual. I knew the "I was at music club" excuse wouldn't work on my mom because I'm not allowed to go to any after school clubs. So instead I decided I would say my teacher kept me late to discuss something. Sure, that would mean me getting in trouble but it's all worth it to get back at the people who've hurt me. My mom was very upset when I came home late, she probably had a bad day at work because her hair was frizzy, she was sweating and she looked more upset than she would usually be about me coming home late. She asked me where I'd been and I looked shamefully at the floor and told her a teacher had kept me after school. She asked why, and I already had a pretty good excuse. My teachers often commented on my hygiene so I told her it was about that. She knew that was partially her fault so she calmed down a bit and stopped being as mad at me, just told me to spend a little more time in the morning to "make myself look more presentable". I left her alone after that and just went upstairs. So about what I learned, and what I'm going to tell my therapist... I'm not sure what to tell her. I learnt that teenagers think everything is a joke until it's not, until it's tainted by something that personally affects them. Making fun of me for being a loner with a questionable fashion sense was funny but it's not going to be quite as funny now that the girl he's cheating with is mad at him. I learnt that I can change people, I can change the way they think and the way they feel, I can alter them if I alter their surroundings. What I really learnt is I have a lot more power than I thought I did, being a nobody has granted me the anonymity I need to change things.

Now what do I tell my therapist? I'll say something about what Raz said about me...maybe a little bit about how I feel better now that I have control over the people who hurt me.

Ooh, writing that sounded really bad, I won't tell her that, I can't change anything about this school from the goddamn psych ward.