Feelings... Yes the fuc'king feelings which we really can't control or don't have control over :)

And most specifically the feelings of Love... Love… It's something really deep which can't be really explained which can happen anywhere to anyone.

There are different types of love of course!

Love which is felt for a family, for a friend... But for a person… It's different.

The love which we feel where we desire to hug them, kiss them, hold them, always think about them, always want them to be only ours, would want them to share their problems with us, would want to be their comfort zone, to never let them go... It's really a special feeling which happens to a special person only….

But what happens if the person you love doesn't feel the same as you do? Heartbroken what else! But I am a selfish person who knows what ending I would be getting in the future still loving him like a stupid girl.

Ik in future I would have to break apart, and I am preparing myself for that only because I am just not able to leave him! I am warned by him many times but still I ignore that because leaving him myself would break me more... I would rather get pushed by him so hard that next time if I think about loving someone I would remember how I was pushed only because of that 'Love' feeling.

Now that I am writing this sh'its here and if any of my known people read this they are definitely going to come to me and ask 'What happened?' 'Am I doing ok?' so I am going to answer them here only...

I am fuc'king not fine and don't even want to be! I have been so happy these days that now I started to fear what Storm has been waiting for me ahead!

It's like happiness before sadness and I don't fuc'king want that if something has to happen then it should happen now and only now!

Why am I such a happy person? I doubt myself sometimes if it's really me or not because I literally forgot how to cry- I didn't even cry when my father and I got into an accident 'almost' like I should be crying na right? Because i was so small that time... Even now i hesitate a lot to share about my injuries to my parents because i don't want them to be worried about myself, or it's just that I want myself to be stronger by keeping my happy face even when i am in pain- Well…. That's something to be known that i literally hate when others get to i am in pain or they see me crying... That's my weakness... I just hate it so much…

.... I miss my first ever MT friend... He was literally like my brother... Telling me what to do, not to do, used to scold me a lot too.. At last he left MT...

/chuckles/ I am still wishing he would come back

It's enough ig... Of my bullsh'its.

See ya later- later? Nha nvm

Take care

Don't be selfish like me guys.

..... Leave and don't fuc'king read it you ain't getting anything here...

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Didn't i say leave and don't read it?.... Fuc'king leave..

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Just fuc'king leave don't you get at once? Well if you don't wanna leave then fine.... But don't fuc'king come to me after reading it cause I don't wanna feel pity for myself again and again as i am a 'Happy person' :) So let me be one.

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My love life sucks! Damn before i used to think that i was straight af but nha! am Bisexual straight from hell! That's why before i used to eye fu'ck other girls without my knowledge lol. I was attracted to girls as well as boys.

I used to say i am straight even tho somewhere i knew I wasn't straight but something else but uk i didn't wanna lose my friends but now? I don't even have that many friends only one or two but still i don't wanna lose them either.

One lie...... Followed by millions or billions of lies which i have been doing to my parents and friends :)

It's fuc'king not easy to hide something very sensitive but i am pro guyz ;) but still i am pro at it irl but in online- like fuc'king hell it should be the opposite but nha something happens to me online and i just let all my emotions take control over me.... Fuc'king sh'its!

I almost lost my first kiss to one of my relative brother but i was not that dumb to be laid by just like that :) He liked me only to use me heh... I knew so i played a little too... Well his fault at first don't blame me okay? I wanted to make him have a taste of his own medicine and when he had it..... he directly blamed me and i calmly took the blame too because who would have the energy to fight with trash?

It was so annoying that i was almost going to lose my precious first kiss which i have saved for my future hubby/wifey. Damn it sometimes i just think that i should just become a b'itch who fu'cks around but then again i am not that type of girl of course.

I may be sweet, kind, lovely but...... If you mess with me or with my trust you will see the worst of me i swear. Well that's different, that I don't like to be aggressive and waste my energy, so it's very rare to see me angry:)

Don't judge me on my behaviour.... I can be selfish, harsh, a b'itch, rude if i want to but i chose not to because kindness can make your enemy go insane or maybe have some brain in their empty head.

........ Bye bit'hes and ba'tards see ya not so soon~

So soon we met right?....

.... /chuckles/... Why don't ya all understand? I am a fuc'king happy person and i don't like to show others my weakness which is being sad and being hurt- tsk leave it, i am tired of telling the same thing again and again~

So annoying that i have to write 450 more words- ptff why am i even writing this? You may ask? just to satisfy myself because if i write something like this in my diary then my brother is surely gonna see that and i don't wanna be homeless as i have got noone irl /chuckles/

Lmaooo by this i remembered that, how many things i have been kept secret from my parents nha like really? i have been lying to my parents since i was only 10 y/o damn it.... Being in an offline relationship... Then online relationship... Breakups... Losing friends who were with me since childhood… Trying to suicide without letting my parents know but i was caught once- i thought of jumping off from the terrace lol, but the neighborhood saw and......... I was beaten and scolded to death.... I can't even say if i was depressed or not... idk about others, but it was too much for me as i was only 12 at that time.

Ik you all would have gone through something worse than this and i wouldn't even argue on that either~

Well if that time... My neighbor wouldn't have noticed me then maybe i would have been resting in hell rn- lmaoo it sounds so funny ain't it?

I had a lot of guts that time to do that without thinking about anything but now?.... I think 100 times... Why? Because i have got people now... or maybe i realized that there are people who care for me and love me... whether online or offline...

Well... I don't really have that many people in my who knows about my whole life because i have got huge trust issues okay? And who has my trust... I feel lucky to have them because they have been with me all the time in my sadness, in my happiness, when i was at my worst etc

In real life i have only one best friend who also lives far from me... like we can't meet everyday and have to decide a specific day to meet up.... We talk in calls but still talking in person and talking in calls has a big difference... well leave it

And yeah about my trust? with trust issues i have got insecurities too- I still don't trust some people... With whom i talk so freely and all... Because it's hard ok? Even if i try to trust them... There would be something which will stop me from trusting them....

.... I gave my less than half trust to you... If you want my remaining trust... You have to gain it man /chuckles/ because i can't unsee my happiness now right? What is the benefit of giving my full trust to you then at last you are just gonna break it?... I have already been betrayed many times now i don't wanna be pathetic again 🙂

Make sure to see me hell~

Don't be like me guyz~