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who I was, and what I told everyone.

I am jinal, and some might know me as Park LI.

Such an embarrassing name now. I'm pretty sure most of my friends knew that I was faking my identity, but it's funny how I'm not able to find any of them.

That's to say, if I even remember their names,

sometimes I wonder if they too were faking their identities.

You know the feeling, of not being able to find those friends again, once u blocked them all online, don't contact anyone for 4 years, and someday at a random Sunday, u sit with your underlying urges and find out, u have to open this app. And go back. And see. What it is like now.

My point is, nothing feels like home now, but it did then.

I remember, "cutie pie"

"Mr. Cold" or something.

It was funny how we used to arrange marriages in group chats.

it's funny how people arranged mine.

And it's funny how I had a girlfriend here.

Anyone, from there, anyone who'd help me with these underlying feelings, I'll be waiting.

I remember I had a sister Kai, and I remember making many many many friends.

I remember creating an idolized family for myself, and acting like 5 different people, Roshan, park LI, Diana, rose, etc…

No one was real.

Park LI never had cancer.

Park LI never existed.

But I'm sure, if I knew u and we had a bond that was not fake.

I was in need of a superficial identity, but I was still me, a twelve-year-old then, wanting to be loved so bad.

I cringe so bad at that chat story I created, "we met again".

But I will never delete it because practically, it was the first thing I ever created.

I've not much to say, but a big long, sorry.

If u believed me

If u didn't,

I ask sorry.

And though it might not be termed a great crime,

It was the most insensitive thing to do to so many people, who ended up calling me their own.

I'll love to hear from you, if u know me,

And PS, I promise to not write for the sake of making my own group chat anymore.

And here I am,

Jinal Jain

16 soon,

I've grown up,

And I will keep doing so.

This is just an entry to myself,

Or to anyone who'd ever hope to open this account and find me

I was a liar,

I lied for love

I got it,

I left for guilt,

I come back for forgiveness

In these years

I came to like writing for real,

I left this home to find that I'm better at poetry than at this,

And I left home,

And sought to find myself.

home here, is falsehood

Home here, is deception

Home here, is superficiality

Home here never felt like one,

So I left to find my own,

And now I come back,

to reverse what I had to see.

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