I am jinal, and some might know me as Park LI.
Such an embarrassing name now. I'm pretty sure most of my friends knew that I was faking my identity, but it's funny how I'm not able to find any of them.
That's to say, if I even remember their names,
sometimes I wonder if they too were faking their identities.
You know the feeling, of not being able to find those friends again, once u blocked them all online, don't contact anyone for 4 years, and someday at a random Sunday, u sit with your underlying urges and find out, u have to open this app. And go back. And see. What it is like now.
My point is, nothing feels like home now, but it did then.
I remember, "cutie pie"
"Mr. Cold" or something.
It was funny how we used to arrange marriages in group chats.
it's funny how people arranged mine.
And it's funny how I had a girlfriend here.
Anyone, from there, anyone who'd help me with these underlying feelings, I'll be waiting.
I remember I had a sister Kai, and I remember making many many many friends.
I remember creating an idolized family for myself, and acting like 5 different people, Roshan, park LI, Diana, rose, etc…
No one was real.
Park LI never had cancer.
Park LI never existed.
But I'm sure, if I knew u and we had a bond that was not fake.
I was in need of a superficial identity, but I was still me, a twelve-year-old then, wanting to be loved so bad.
I cringe so bad at that chat story I created, "we met again".
But I will never delete it because practically, it was the first thing I ever created.
I've not much to say, but a big long, sorry.
If u believed me
If u didn't,
I ask sorry.
And though it might not be termed a great crime,
It was the most insensitive thing to do to so many people, who ended up calling me their own.
I'll love to hear from you, if u know me,
And PS, I promise to not write for the sake of making my own group chat anymore.
And here I am,
Jinal Jain
16 soon,
I've grown up,
And I will keep doing so.
This is just an entry to myself,
Or to anyone who'd ever hope to open this account and find me
I was a liar,
I lied for love
I got it,
I left for guilt,
I come back for forgiveness
In these years
I came to like writing for real,
I left this home to find that I'm better at poetry than at this,
And I left home,
And sought to find myself.
home here, is falsehood
Home here, is deception
Home here, is superficiality
Home here never felt like one,
So I left to find my own,
And now I come back,
to reverse what I had to see.
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