"Hey, Jan what's up?" Mar greeted me when I saw him in the hallway of the building.

He walked over to me. "How are you? We haven't seen each other in a long time," he said. It's the first day of school for this school year and we haven't seen each other for a long time.

"Nothing changes, you? You look like...diamond, shining, shimmering, splendid," I said then smiled.

He was so serious that he didn't seem to laugh. "That's a song, right?" he asked and he pouted. "How did you say that I look like a diamond?"

I examined the entirety of his face. "It looks as bright as your face. Very fresh," I said as it was real.

"Is that so? Uhm! Isn't that why you're just being mean to me? Hmm!" He just looked into my eyes, then winked. "You found me handsome?"

I quickly averted my eyes from him. "Y-you're handsome? You dream, hey!" I block him while barely glancing at him.

"Why not? You can take a good look at my face, I look like James Reid," he said proudly.

I burst out laughing at what I heard. "James Reid? Hey, wake up! You're having too much of an illusion there."

"No, I'm not, Jan."

"Mar, don't be so assuming, it's deadly," I said.

His snout twitched as he seemed to shudder at me. "You just can't admit it," he said. He quickly wrapped my neck in his arms and pushed it down. I cringed because of what he did. 'Then, he even pokes my side of the stomach to make me laugh. So is he. “Admit it, Jan.

I nodded as we laughed at what he had done. I also adjusted my messy uniform. "As you dream, Mar. You're not handsome, admit it," I turned to him.

"Really, Jan? Eh, what are those sneaky stares of yours at me? Admit it, I'm handsome," he said laughing. He even caressed his chin to show he was handsome.

My eyes widened, then laughed. "I'm staring at you? Hey, Mar woke up. I've long admitted that my bestfriend isn't handsome," I said.

He was stunned, evil eyes staring at me. But he was still laughing. This is how Mar and I treated each other. Not a day goes by that we don’t plow.

"You—? If you get caught, Jan prepare yourself. You're dead," he challenged.

I just stared at him. "Why what are you going to do to me? Well, I'm already prepared," I also challenged him.

"Why are you fighting back, huh?" he said laughing. He got ready to run but before he could do that, I ran away from him.

My heart began to fill with joy again. Ceaseless. And only Mar gives that to me apart from anyone else. Is it normal for a man to feel eternal happiness in the company of a man? Is it normal to thrill whenever I feel important to him? Is it normal to fall in love with a man and also my friend? I don’t know but I just spontaneously felt all of those and I couldn’t resist.

"Got you!"

I just felt Mar's grip on my waist. He caught up with me when we reached the plaza. There were a lot of people there because it wasn't time yet. He started tickling me again which made me laugh.

“M-Mar, s-stop!” I could barely say those because of the laughter.

"You think I can't catch you? Don't underestimate me, Jan because no matter how fast you go, I'll still catch up with you." He stopped tickling me.

Suddenly my world seemed to stop spinning when our eyes met. I was already facing him, our bodies touching as he was close to my waist. Our faces are close to each other.

Suddenly there was something moving in my stomach that brought a relentless nervousness to me. I could hear almost nothing but the loud pounding of my chest. Faster and faster. I want that scene never to end.

"I hope it's just you, Mar," suddenly appeared in my mouth which I did not expect and it was too late for me to withdraw what I said.

"S-sorry, Jan I-I didn't mean to." He suddenly moved away from me while unable to look into my eyes. I know he heard what I said and I know he suddenly felt awkwardness between the two of us. "See you around, Jan," he said. He left without looking back. I was left speechless, still unable to comprehend what had happened.

-

Despite what happened the day before, ‘I’m so thankful I didn’t feel anything had changed. What Mar was to me then, he is still the same to me even though I know on my part, a little has changed because I know Mar has an idea of how I feel about him.

It's really hard to fall for your friend. To your best friend. Lots of what ifs. Lots of fear. But it's harder to fall for the same gender. More fear. More what ifs.

My true gender is not new to Mar because he already knows what and who I am. That's why we became close to each other because he accepted me fully. He was also not ashamed to be with me either inside or outside the school. Even though he was bullied, he still wouldn’t leave me. We have even received a lot of gossip, saying that we are already in a relationship and we are not just saying so.

“Let’s just ignore them,” that’s what he always tells me.

"Looks like you're thinking so deep, Jan, ah? Is that deeper than the sea?"

I was shocked when I felt Mar's hand on my shoulder. He sat down next to me.

"No, just deep as a river," I said, just a serious face.

"Is that so? Tell me what it is, Jan," he said.

"Why aren't you ashamed to be with me?" I seriously asked him.

He barely thought. "Why should I be ashamed?" he asked again.

"Because your friend is gay."

"Then, what's the matter, Jan? Friendship isn't about gender, it's about true relationships, being with each other no matter what and being brothers to each other," he explained and it touched me.

I averted my eyes from him. Even though Mar is like that, whenever I hear words about us, I get hurt. "But you're embarrassed because of me, Mar. They're losing respect for you because you're being friends with me," I said sadly.

"I don't care, Jan. Didn't I tell you to just let them go. Let's just ignore them."

"As if it's as easy as that, Mar. It's hard," I said.

He was slightly silent. "What do you want to say, Jan? Why are you suddenly being unreasonable?"

I was the one who fell silent. I also don't know why I suddenly became like this. I feel like the longer it lasts, the more I bring him to shame. And I just fell more and more in love with him. I try to stop but I can't. "I don't know, Mar," I confess.

"Do we have a problem?" wrinkled when he asked.

"N-no, Mar. I'm sorry if I've been too unreasonable," I apologize.

He sighed. "I'm happy when I'm with your company, Jan and I don't care about the people around us. That's our society nowadays, they tend to interfere in the lives of others." He smiled slightly. He placed his palms on my head and ruffled my hair. "You're too dramatic. Come on, we'll be late for the next subject," he said. I was just shocked when he grabbed my arm and made me sit up. He pulled me slowly.

Why are you like this, Mar? Why are you so kind to me? Why do I feel so important to you? Why do I seem hopeful?

The days went by, Mar and I became even closer to each other, but more and more people were judging the two of us. They think that Mar might be gay too that's why he always goes with me and we heard from them that maybe we already have a relationship. Every time we walk down the hallway together, I feel guilty for both of us.

“We don’t owe them an explanation, Jan. Say what they want, they can't make them famous,” he said softly when we arrived at the school cafeteria. We hear a lot of gossip about the two of us.

"Are not you tired? I feel that I put you in shame, Mar,” I said sadly.

His face was flushed. "Why you're so dramatic," he said as if he was gay. He even laughed. He even messed up my hair.

I bowed slightly and laughed. "I'm just practicing because I'm going to join a dance club," I told him back.

His forehead furrowed. "Huh?" Next was his laughter which was so soothing to listen to. "Wait me here, I'll just buy our food," he offered since he already knew my favorite food.

A sweet smile was left on me as I watched him towards the counter. I was so lucky with him. I was so lucky that I had a friend like him. And I don’t want to waste that.

"Here's your favorite," he said when he reached the table we were occupying. He laid out in front of me my favorite spaghetti and burger.

“Thank you, Mar,” I said with a smile.

"You're welcome," he said. “By the way, this weekend let's go out. I have something to tell you,” he added. He looked up at me for a moment.

Suddenly it was as if hot water poured down my stomach from what I heard. So many different ideas come into my mind of what he might tell me. I was nervous as my heart beat faster.

"Ah, o-ok," I said.

Silence intervened between us as we ate. My mind was occupied with what might happen over the weekend. I'm nervous.

-

THE day of the weekend came. I woke up early because of the extreme excitement I was feeling. I could hardly sleep at the thought of the possibilities that would happen later. I was nervous and restless.

Earlier I was inside a mall, waiting at a restaurant there where Mar and I would meet. He texted me and said he was on his way. I was already so excited and nervous.

A few minutes passed, and I saw Mar approaching. He immediately smiled at me. He was very handsome wearing jeans and a white t-shirt.

"You're too early, Jan, ah?" he said.

"Not too much," I said even though it was true. He sat down on the front bench.

"Are you hungry? I will order," he said.

I just nodded. He called the waiter and ordered food.

“Hmm! Are you too prepared, Mar? You look so handsome,” I commented to him with a smile.

“Really? Is that what I'm wearing?” He seemed happy and excited with the question.

I nodded, then gave him more thumbs up. "That's the thing," I said happily.

Why do I feel that even if I'm the only one with him, he still doesn't seem like he's fixing it for me. Seems like he's prepared not for me but for someone.

I noticed him looking around as if looking for someone. "Are you waiting for someone?" I asked.

He turned to me, then just smiled. I was suddenly nervous again. Why is he so mysterious?

“Ahm! W-what are you going to tell me?” I asked full of courage.

“Ah, is that so? I will tell you later but before anything else, let's eat first," he said. We also have the food he ordered in front of us.

I was even more curious about what he could tell me. He is bothering my mind too much. Why didn't he just tell me?

I just don't talk while we eating. We just ate quietly while my mind was wrapped in curiosity at what he could say. Whether I admit it or not I have high expectations of what he will say.

"Why don't you even touch your food?" later Mar asked me when we finished eating.

"Ah, I get full so quickly, eh," I confess to him.

"Okay."

"Where are we going?" I asked. It's as if he has no intention of leaving this restaurant. I feel like he's waiting for something because he's been looking around for a while.

I was distracted when I saw a beautiful woman behind Mar, she was approaching our place. I was suddenly nervous and felt insecure. I do not know why.

"Hi babe."

I was surprised because Mar was looking at the woman. Mar turned around and that's how it was a pity to draw his face. "I'm sorry I'm late, there's traffic on the way, eh," the woman explained.

Mar stood up from the seat and kissed the woman on the cheek. "No, it's okay, Babe," Mar said.

I could not move. I feel cold water pouring on me in those moments. I can’t be fooled when I see it. That is the truth. It was as if my heart was pounding again and again because of the pain.

"Are you okay, Jan?" Mar quickly attended to me. "Why are you pale?" he asked worriedly.

I can't speak. I have no hard words to say. I was so surprised by what I saw. I was hurt because I relied on what he would say but now I know what it is.

I blinked as I exhaled. I feel like my chest is tightening. I calmed myself down and forced myself to be normal. They can’t perceive how I feel.

I smiled even though I knew it was just forced. "O-okay I'm fine, I'm just a little dizzy," I excused.

Mar took a deep breath. He has moved away from me. "Are you sure, you're okay?"

Why are you so kind to me Mar? Please, don't worry about me at least once. I wish I could have voiced that.

I nodded, looking through him and the woman with him.

Mar turned slightly to the woman and turned back to me. I already knew what he was going to say but he was obviously having a hard time saying that.

“Ahm! Jan, this is what I'm going to tell you,” he began, nervous. "Joyce, my girlfriend," he confessed.

It was as if an asteroid bigger than me had hit me. I want to disappear and get away.

I saw the woman smile at me, so I had no choice but to reciprocate as best I could. Even in reality I feel very insecure. Excessive jealousy.

I stood up to sit down. "Hi, I'm Jan, Mar's B-best friend," I introduced myself. Why is it so hard to say the term ‘Best Friend’? Why there's a pain?

“You are Jan? You know what, Mar is always talking about you. It looks like you're very close to each other. By the way, I am Joyce,” the woman introduced herself.

I nodded. Despite the pain I was feeling, there was still joy that emerged because of what the woman said.

“Mar and I are still friends in high school. It's like we're siblings,” I said despite the pain.

"That's why Mar is so happy every time he tells me about you."

“Oops! By the way, Babe have you eaten yet? ” Mar interrupted Joyce.

The woman smiled at Mar. "I'm full, Babe."

"Then, what do you want to do?" Mar asked.

"Let's walk," Joyce suggested.

I grabbed their attention. “Ahm! Sorry but I need to go to the restroom, you go first, I will follow,” I said goodbye. It's as if I can't do it if I go with them. I don't think I can handle this pain.

"Sure?" Mar asked me.

I smiled. I said goodbye to them again before they left. I quickly went to the restroom. When I got in there, I entered the vacant cubicle. I bit my lower lip at the same time as tears dripped from my eyes, relentlessly.

It actually hurts. Shouldn’t I be happy because I know Mar is happy with his girlfriend? But why can't I? I am not happy because I feel so much pain and sadness. I want to shout and bring that out.

Now I have so much proven how hard it is to fall in love with a friend. Aside from the fact that you are not sure that he loves you too, you are also afraid that if you admit it, you will lose the friendship you have built for a long time. But by not admitting it, you will only be hurt and he even knows.

"Why do you look in a bad mood? Look, your face looks like a torn piece of paper," Mar greeted me when I arrived in the classroom.

I ignored him. I continued walking towards my seat where I was next to him. Didn’t he know I cried all night? Up to this day I am still very much in pain.

"Hey! Are you okay?" he asked again.

I sat on the bench and faced the front where my classmates were singing.

Mar sat down next to me and hugged me. "Can you please sto, Mar?" I asked with an irritated, relatively high tone. "It's your fault," I added

He seemed surprised at my behavior. "Hey, hey! Calm down, you're too high blood, that'll make you ugly," he said slightly backwards.

I just turned around and turned back to my classmates. I was disgusted and I didn’t know why. Everyone who spoke to me, I gave them a bad attitude, even the guard at the gate.

"By the way, yesterday, you said you would follow us, but you didn't follow. So I looked for you at the mall," he said seriously.

Even though my eyes were focused on the front, I was still focused on Mar. I was even more bored when I remembered what happened yesterday. "I'm just your friend, Mar and I don't have the right to tell you all my reasons." I stood up and raised my voice in annoyance. I was carried away by emotion. I saw how surprised Mar was. I quickly walked out of the classroom and went to the plaza.

I don’t want to affect our friendship but what if he is the reason why I am hurting? Why am I sad?

I made the mistake of falling in love with my best friend.

-

As the days passed, there's a wall between Mar and me. The old jokes, the laughter are now gone. Every time I see him, he just looks at me and avoids me as well. I don't know why he didn't chase me when I left. I wonder why he even has to distance himself that I should be the only one doing.

But I was so excited for him. With every move I make, he and our memory are what I think of. Which makes my feelings even more painful. There was nothing I could do because I knew that even if I told him I loved him, that would not change the fact that he would never be able to love me more than a friend.

Every day in my life has lost its color that used to look like a very colorful rainbow. The fun, the thrill, the smile disappeared and were replaced by sadness and pain. It is wrong to love a friend because the friend will remain just a friend.

After class I quietly arranged my belongings in my bag. My classmates in the classroom are gone and I feel like I’m the only one left there. I quickly finished what I was doing and strapped the bag to my back. I turned around and was so shocked to see Mar there, waiting. Since we avoided each other. He walked away and sat in another chair away from me.

I looked at him for a moment and started to walk out but he quickly blocked me.

"Can we talk, Jan?" he asked calmly.

I just looked at him. "No, I don't want to," I said directly but the truth is, I want to talk to him. But then I thought, I need to stay away until I can come back as his friend.

"Jan, what's the problem? Do we have a problem?" he asked, obviously very surprised by my behavior.

I took a deep breath. "Just let me pass, Mar." Instead of answering him that's all I said.

"No, I won't," she said.

"Mar, please!" I was annoyed with him.

Mar walked away from me and headed for the classroom door. He closed it and locked it. "I won't let you go until you tell me the problem, Mar," he said stubbornly.

My shoulder sagged because I knew what he said was true. I close my eyes tightly and bow slightly.

I looked at him seriously. "I don't have to explain to you, Mar because first of all, I'm just your friend. Secondly we don't have a problem."

His forehead furrowed. "What's wrong with you, Jan? You're so unreasonable. That's right, we're friends. Don't I have the right to question why you're avoiding me? Don't I have the right to ask you what's the matter? Because I'm so confused by the thought of what I did wrong, why you suddenly avoid me. Did I do something?" he said while there's an irritation there.

I kept quiet because I knew he was right. He had a right to know what the problem was because firstly, our friendship was affected, secondly, I left him a lot of questions, and lastly, I completely avoided him.

"That's right, we're just friends, Mar. We're just friends and I was wrong that I fell for a friend. Someone like you that I should just be my friend, Mar." Tears welled up in my eyes one after another because of the fact that was punching me. "M-me, I'm the one who's wrong here, Mar because I've lost the line that I should just be there. That you should just be a friend and I don't have to love you," I said and finally broke my voice.

There was a look of shock on his face because of my revelation to him. He was speechless and just stunned me.

"It's too late before I realize that I love you. I tried to stop, Mar, because I already knew where I was in your life. I've tried but I failed. I can't stand the word friend." I feel my heart being squeezed by eternal pain.

"J-Jan," he said. "I-I don't know."

"You don't have to speak, Mar because I know where I put myself. I know just where I should sit." I wiped the tear from my cheek. "You don't have to worry, I can do it. It's my mistake and I have to fix it."

"Isn't a mistake, Jan. You made no mistake. Who says that loving someone is a mistake?"

"But the person I loved is wrong, Mar because I shouldn't love you because you're a friend and that should be all there is to it."

Mar was silent for a moment. "You're not wrong, Jan," he said seriously.

I fell silent and was stunned by him. How could I not be wrong? I’m so hurt right now.

"Let me go, Mar," I said simply. I walked towards the door, he stopped me but I insisted on getting out.

Tears first fell in my eyes as I walked down the hallway of the building. Too much pain envelops me. I don’t know why everyone has to end up like this. Why do I even need to be in love with my friend? I made a mistake and was not aware of that possibility.