It's not that I don't want to be happy.

It's a despite, how hard I try

I can't bring myself to be happy.

I feel suffocated, embarrassed, and ashamed.

Why did I have to be this way?

I have a great family, amazing friends, good academic results, on paper everything is okay.

Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey.

It's like there's this burden on me pulling me to the ground and however hard I try, I can't bring myself out.

I can't bring myself to care about anything

not me,

not him,

not her.

Living has become a constant nightmare.

And it's just not fair.

Society will tell me to try yoga,

go for a walk,

listen to meditation.

I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or medication. It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life,

my work, my relationships, my education.

And to this day

despite my best efforts to explain, I'm always met with blind hesitation.

People ask me "Why are you always so sad?"

I tell them I don't know...

I don't know..

What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolute sh*t and that's become my norm.

I'm afraid of the world,

I'm afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control.

Where's the fairness of it all?

Do you think I like to watch myself fall

into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe?

So I hide them and I put up a wall

that's so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws.

I create this character and he is perfect. He's invincible.

And so I carry on living in these two lives,

one for the public and one just for me late at night. Cause that's easier than admitting that I have a problem and that's the problem.

The stigma is real people

And it will not go away until we realise that mental health is a big deal.

It's a hidden disease that's affecting so many lives. Wake up and listen to the silent cries,

it's a kid that never speaks or the guy who's always tired, the woman who's too emotional, the guy who just got fired because he was absent a lot. He couldn't get out of bed due to his mental health but do you think any of his colleagues knew that? Of course not.

Depression is the hell inside of me and it eats me up daily.

*** I know no one will read this because it's too long and boring, but I need to vent.

For those who are hurting right now, please remember you're needed. We were all put on this earth for a reason, if not we wouldn't be here at all. I'm sorry if your family or friends don't accommodate how you feel, I hope you find someone or have found someone that makes you feel like you're worth more than the dirt on the ground. I wish I could lie to you and say that you'll be better tomorrow, but we all know how unpredictable waking up in a good mood can be when you have depression...