“-Yi Joon”

It was him. 

Again.

Trapped in hidden memories, ones he could never forget. I mean- how could he? Such precious memories gone? Never, he swore to love him, and only him, forever. Could he though? 

“One day you'll forget we ever met, but it's ok. I'm sure you'll find someone better than me" 

Empty words. Empty promises and plans they made together. To top it all off; “Replacing Yi Joon?”. The love of his life? 

Impossible. 

Yi Joon’s words resonated through Seo-Yun’s head, haunting him restlessly. 

“‘Someone else’ he said.” 

He grit his teeth, walking in the hospital’s main hall. 

It was already past visiting hours at the hospital, but who knew how many times Yi Joon had left to live. Seo-yun opened the door softly, unknowing that his boyfriend was still awake at this hour. 

 Even if it was dusk, he never knew when the hospital’s patients slept. They were all in poor health and some of them, if not all of them, needed twice as much rest as a normal person. Seo-yun slid the door open, to reveal a room coloured in an orange and reddish light. Shining all the way through the windows.

 Windows opened, letting a cool breeze flow through the room. The window’s white silk smooth curtains flew and drifted as flowing rivers, overlapping each other at every gust of wind. 

Next to the windows there was a person on the hospital bed. 

The individual was staring deeply at the sunset. Long blonde hair, snow white skin and deep blue eyes. It was Seo-yun’s boyfriend; Yi Joon. 

 A young man who looked to be around his teens, his smile was vague from Seo-yun’s perspective when he walked in the hospital room. 

Yi Joon, as his lover, knew his secret about wanting to enter training to make his way into the kpop industry. 

That Seo-yun was planning to debut, but since the day that they enrolled Yi Joon in the hospital he let those plans go and instead took care of Yi Joon everyday after the end of  his classes.

 There were mixed emotions in Yi Joon’s face. He was dazed and guilty for the harm he caused him. But a hint of carelessness and happiness like somebody with no regrets in life slipped from his expression.

 Seo-yun stopped to look at his bedridden lover from the door. The sadness in Seo-yun's expression could be seen by anyone, even an ignorant child.

Yi Joon turned around to look at his visitor. As soon as he saw Seo-yun, he changed his mixed expression into a warm welcoming smile. 

“Why didn't you tell me you were here?” 

Seo-yun made a painful expression the moment Yi Joon put on his facade again. He always did that, not telling anyone about how he felt or saying if something hurt. Always warming up a smile for others without asking himself why. An endless routine he built himself when it came to feelings. Some could even call him a hypocrite while doing so. 

Seo-yun responded nonchalantly. 

“I didn't say anything because you seemed out of it this time.”

Yi Joon stared at him a bit confused before laughing out loud.

“Haha, I was just thinking about something, don't worry I'm not pissed off,”

Seo-yun approached the patient.

“Are you feeling any better?”

Yi Joon sneered and waved at him.

“I'm fine, I'm fine!” he paused for a second before continuing, “Oh-yeah!You know what? I'll be discharged, I'm cured! I actually received the news today, aren't you happy for me Seo-yun?”

Seo-yun smiled bitterly.

“yeah…”

Perplexed by his boyfriend's reaction, he reached to grab his hand. In that split second, a wave of thoughts ran through Seo-yun’s mind. All of them are as quick as bullets.

“Do you think I'm stupid? You think I don't know?? That I'm some useless boyfriend that wouldn't ask for the true report?? That I'm some naive little kid who believes  everything they tell me?? WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO LIE TO ME YI JOON?!”

The truth is, he wanted to be naive. He wanted to believe his lies, believe that the love of his life could get cured. That he would get better. That there were no such things as ‘goodbyes’ for them.

But of course, he could never say that to him. 

His hands clenched into fists in a second and his gaze turned dark and cold. When Yi Joon grabbed his hand he noticed the sudden discomfort in Seo-yun's body language. 

Yi Joon pulled his hand and grabbed it with both hands while resting it on his lap. Stroking it softly, as if it was his best intent at comforting him. Which nonetheless worked efficiently; Seo-yun’s hand relaxed after merely three and a half seconds and his gaze returned the way it was before. 

Silence kicked in for a minute. Fortunately, Yi Joon looked up at Seo-yun and spoke.

“You should get back now, the sun is already gone for the day. If you stay longer the sky will get darker.” His tone was warm and coaxing, perfect at convincing the crap outta anyone. Surely, Seo-yun, his beloved boyfriend, was no exception. 

Seo-yun acknowledged him, nodding before he replied.

“Ok, i'll come and visit you tomorrow at sunset after school ends,” Seo-yun turned around to leave. As he was getting past the door he heard Yi Joon call out to him one last time. 

“Seo-yun..”

“yes?”

“...” Yi Joon paused,

“Nothing. You can get going, don't mind me”

Seo-yun, for the first time, stirred up a smile. It was as comforting as Yi Joon remembered, right before he found out about his terminal illness. That's the last time he had seen Seo-yun smile at him so genuinely, so happily. 

So what else could he have done?

 Yi Joon smiled back, showing a big, bright smile. One that could light up a whole room effortlessly.

 That's the last time Seo-yun ever saw his ex-boyfriend smile..

  He received a call that day from the hospital. That same day he went to visit his lover at sunset. That was the last day he'd see him again. 

He was gone.

Running to go see his sleeping beauty for the last time. His breath was unstable. He was on the verge of tears but he still controlled them. 

Seo-yun ran through the once familiar hospital halls he knew like the palm of his hand. In the distance he could see Yi Joon’s room, right there. For some reason he had the feeling that the door was slipping away, further and further from him. When he caught the fleeing door, he opened it in a hurry. Just to regret it afterwards. 

There was a pale corpse in that bed, where there was once a bright, smart young man. Where there was once his boyfriend.

Tears ran down his face, his heart beating like drums. Seo-yun’s cold expression couldn't be described as another. This man. Who had never cried since he could remember. Now broke into tears followed by sobs. Breaking down until he found himself, crouching besides his loved one. 

Feeling his smooth pale skin, who had no life. Seeing his beautiful features, that had no more value. His big round river blue eyes, that were now closed forever. Hearing his voice, that made no sound.

He could no longer see that bright familiar smile he had known for so long. Just a cold face, purple lips and a passive expression. The one you knew, that was never waking up again.

  And the last time he would ever see him again.

Falling in and out of despair, followed obediently by depression. He laid on his bed, like everyday since Yi Joon left this world. He hadn't gone to school for 3 weeks, just wasting his time overthinking and deboarding with depression. For a change, one of those days he got up. 

Took his coat, put on his sneakers and went to see Yi Joon’s former apartment. Which he knew well.

The moment he arrived he could smell the stench of dust and dirt. The whole apartment was pitch-black. Truly like a room in a horror movie. Repulsed by the foul smell of the apartment, he opened the curtains and the windows in a flash. In an incense time he could no longer smell the dusty scent still lingering inside the room. It was morning, so he could see every part of the apartment facing the window. Which radiated with the sun’s light from outside. He recognized everything. The main table, the chairs, the kitchen, the living room, the bedrooms. Nothing had changed. 

But nonetheless, he saw something unusual on the counter table in the kitchen. 

 It was a white letter in an envelope.

It had a ‘For: Seo-yun’ written on top. Impatient and taken quite off guard he rushed to grab the letter from the kitchen’s counter top.

Seo-yun was nervous about its content, but his curiosity went far beyond his fears.

He gulped down enough saliva and opened the envelope carefully. Cautiously, he made sure the paper wouldn't rip since it was the last thing he left for him. In the envelope there was a letter, a white thin sheet of paper carefully folded into two. 

Seo-yun, wary, anxiously unfolded the sheet. He recognized Yi Joon’s beautiful writing in a heartbeat, his hands trembled slightly. 

It said;

“I'm sorry for having to write this letter and not telling you myself, Then, tell you any sooner about my terminal illness. I had a peaceful life, and I wouldn't have changed it for anything else. I just wanted to let you know that it's been the most wonderful two years of my life. These past years have been filled with marvelous memories that I still hold on to. Our love had become a drug to me, I got addicted so badly to loving you, that I couldn't let go of you anymore. I don't know if you got addicted too, but seeing you everyday was a wish come true. When I met you, you sparkled as bright as a flame and it was as warm as a summer day,  still as cool as the soft breeze that comes in autumn. We made a promise, I broke it first, It wasn't worth it, yet I couldn't say no. Even though I won't hear your answer, would you still forgive me for not saying a proper goodbye? “

Seo-yun mumbled despite himself, saying “-Yi Joon”. Before he even noticed, warm tears ran on his face, falling all the way to his collarbones. Mixed emotions ran through his mind, until a bitter sweet smile appeared across his face. Smiling at himself, he felt stupid, but he couldn't help it.

“I don't know what to do anymore..” he muttered helplessly. 

While holding the letter, he noticed a picture frame by the side of his ex-boyfriend's nightstand. In the picture there was him and Yi Joon. In the background he could see sand. It was the time they went to the beach together, as well as their first date. Seo-yun felt his heart ache the second he laid eyes on the picture. He couldn't stand it anymore, seeing photos of Yi Joon and him together were too painful to see. He turned away quickly and moved the picture to face the top of the nightstand. After finally recollecting himself, Seo-yun thought it was time to give everything away from the apartment where he once lived. If he didn't do it now, he wouldn't have the confidence to do it later. Since Seo-yun was Yi Joon’s boyfriend he had somewhat permission to do whatever he wanted with Yi Joon’s stuff. While cleaning up the apartment, memories popped up like illusions, drowning him as if he had teleported into deep water. Unable to breathe properly, feeling all of them tormenting him relentlessly. Spinning and spinning his head like a wild roller coaster. Unable to take it anymore, Seo-Yun curled up on the ground. Asphyxiated by everything, closing his eyes, hoping that everything could get lost and let him be.

2 YEARS LATER, same day.

“Are you going to stay for practice,hyung?” asked his junior. 

“No, today I have something important to do.” Seo-yun said nonchalantly. He walked out of the training room and went to the changing room. When changing his shirt his junior came in. Genuinely curious, Tae-Hyun asked. 

“But, hyung, why are you leaving? Can you tell me?i-i mean.. if it's not too much to ask of course-” 

“Tae Hyun” Interrupted Seo-yun. Tae Hyun was taken aback but listened carefully awaiting his answer. 

“Nothing important” Seo-yun said, noticing that he had been too harsh on his junior for absolutely no reason whatsoever. He softened his voice. Tae Hyun was confused but he understood the hint and left after saying a casual “ok”. 

Stepping out of the changing room, Tae Hyun felt weird. Usually his hyung never hid anything from him nor their friends. It was quite rare, still.. The only thing they never talked about was their love life. He always avoided those conversations, so the others would talk about it while he wasn't present. Out of mutual respect, to not make him feel uncomfortable of course.

Seo-yun, still in the changing room, packed his bags. It was today. 

Two years ago, the day Yi Joon passed away.

                -16/3/2024-

Seo-yun was never the type to like going to cemeteries, as a decent person would. When he was young, he used to go to visit his late grandpa who passed away when he was 12 every year. Now, he had another reason to come to the cemetery. As everyone knows, it's never a good reason. Yi Joon was buried in the same cemetery as his grandfather. Which was oddly convenient for him, that way, he didn't need to go to two places, one right after another. Placing a bouquet of white flowers in his grandpa’s tomb felt familiar. As he'd done it every single year for 13 years straight, without any exceptions whatsoever. 

When it came to placing the flowers on Yi Joon’s tomb, it was hard for him.

 “How many years have passed since you were gone?” he paused and thought for a second,trying to reply to his own question. 

“two, right?” Seo-yun’s tone was heavy somehow. The guiltiness in his sentence could be noticed by anyone. “I got asked about my leave today. Yi Joon.. If I were to talk to my coworkers about you, would they pity me?” After an incense time he didn't know what he was expecting anymore. Maybe for the photo on Yi Joon’s tomb to magically start talking? He didn't know, but he felt ridiculously stupid at the mere thought of it. What was true, was that it was impossible for him to talk with a photo. Some would call him delusional for even thinking about that. Wishing it could come true? Ridiculous. Sadly, that isn't how life works. 

At least- not for him.  

The way back to his house was the same as the one he took to get here. Passing by the little flower shop, he heard a middle aged woman call out to him. “youngman, over here! Would you like some flowers? Maybe for your lover?”

The moment he heard the word ‘lover’,Seo-yun gazed subconsciously at the cemetery. The woman noticed and shut up. When Seo-yun turned back his gaze he saw that the flower shop auntie had somehow understood the situation and did not push into the subject any further. “oh- er.. For your mom?” The woman looked as she was trying to change the subject. She really didn't mean any harm and Seo-yun wasn't dumb enough to not notice. After some time he agreed to buy some flowers. 

Seo-yun’s mother was a kind hearted woman who loved flowers. Most importantly, lilies. Their faint smell wrapping you in sweet-like illusions. By the time she was 21 she had already had her first child. Who was, obviously, Seo-Yun. The first and only child of the family. His dad, Kyeong-wo had him when he was 23. So, technically it's if Seo-Yun, himself had a baby, right here right now at his 23 years of age. But, of course he was going to debut and didn't have the time to find a girlfriend or a boyfriend even if he wanted to. Even so, he didn't have the interest to go find one. No one caught his eye apart from Yi Joon. His only love. He already lost so much, what if Yi Joon was, in fact, his destined one? 

Now that he was no more, he thought he might just focus on his career, nothing else. 

Seo-yun paid the middle aged woman and took the lilies she offered him. His mother lived in Japan, so he couldn't actually give her the flowers he just bought. So he just kept them to himself. 

The practice room in his return was as noisy and lively as ever. 

“I don't know about you guys but I need fresh air,” said Haneul while stretching his arms. 

“That's because you stay practicing all day long and don't go outside to touch grass” says Soo-won coldly.

“I know! that's why i searched it up, there's a restaurant nearby where we can eat” he added.

His pushy personality would push others to accompany him even if people thought it was unlikely.

“You know well we can't be seen by other people, right?” added Tae-hyun.

“Yeah, I know. That's why we're going to this one specifically, they have private rooms like in BBQ places.” Haneul paused, “so, who’s in it with me?”

Haneul looked around the room to see if anyone objected, as expected Park-Mingyu raised his slightly raised hand.

“Sorry, I can't go today. I had something planned already, you guys go.”

Followed by the mainlead Choi-Minho commented the same thing.

“me neither.”

Disappointed, Haneul asked again hoping that those were all the people who couldn't go.

“and? Who else will leave me alone?”pouted Haneul.

“yes, i'll go with you” coaxed Soo-won, aloof.

“Sure, I'm hungry either way” stated Tae-hyun.

Everyone looked at Seo-yun,

“hyung, will you go with us?” Asked Haneul.

Soo-won started with indifference and hid his curiosity not like the others present, who were practically open books.

Out of nowhere Sunghee thrusted the door open with a kick and a loud ‘BANG!’. Holding numerous drinks in both arms he shouted. 

“Im back!”

Everyone, startled, looked at him blankly. Haneul was the first one to react.

“Holy fuck, Sunghee! You scared me, I almost had a heart attack”

Sunghee was confused.

“Why were you so silent, i thought you were dead if not gone without me”

Park-Mingyu sighed after nearly ascending to heaven and grabbed his grey bag in the corner of the training room.

“I'll go now, I have an appointment. I'll go with you next time.”

“Wait, I'll go with you,” said Choi minho.

“sure no problem”

“buh-bye Minny, Minho, take care”

Soo-won turned around and frowned dismissively.

“‘Minny’?” he remarked, with a bitter expression, failing to mask his expression for the first time.

Oblivious, Haneul, without even looking at Soo-won replied.

“Yeah, that's the nickname I gave him. Right Minny?” he shouted.

Mingyu nodded with a light smile while heading out with Minho. Soo-won ignored the last sentence and turned away resentfully.

“Oh-yeah back to where we were- Seo-yun!”

“Are you going after all?”

Sunghee approached after saying ‘bye’ to the duo outside and put his arm around Seo-Yun’s neck.

“Let's go, you have to go somewhere for once and a while. Or else you'll get a burn out”

Haneul agreed silently, but excitedly nodded his head, up and down non stop. Seo-yun without a choice approved.

“Fine, I'll go with you” Even so, he didn't actually have a choice when it came down to this duo of Haneul and Sughee. Wonderful bastards at convincing people out of their crap, more or less forcing without seeing they are forcing you.

Arriving at the famous restaurant spotted by Haneul the waiter took note of their group number and indicated a room where they sat down. The restaurant was quite delightful. Its decorations were not too fancy nor too eye-catching. They weren't awful either nor the restaurant seemed poor and shabby. It was just a casual little restaurant with private rooms, with just enough decorations and wonderful privacy. The moment the waiter excused herself they could finally breathe again. Haneul and Sunghee were the first ones to take off their masks as if they had toxic gas on them. They were swiftly followed by Tae-hyun and the others.

“I hate those masks, they smell terrible,” exhaled Sunghee out of breath.

Soo-won didn't like taking the lead but he had no choice this time.

“Ok, what will we order?”

“I know! fried shrimp. Oh-and I'll pay, since I asked you to come. My treat this time,” said Haneul.

After ordering the meals came in. A young man who was around 20 years old served the group with what looked like a gentle smile, they couldn't actually see because he had a black mask on his face. He casually put the food on the table and left. 

“Why does he have a mask on?” asked Tae-hyun, “I didn't see anyone else wearing one when I looked at the waiters present.

“At least now we know we aren't the only shabby looking people with black masks,” said Haneul.

“We don't know, maybe he’s just sick,” added Seo-yun nonchalantly while picking up fried shrimp with his chopsticks.

“oh- but duidn't yo nowtice when he put the food on our table and said somethin' he didnt sound sick at all?” remarked Haneul while eating.

“Don't talk when you're eating we can't understand anything” said Soo-won judgingly.

“shh!” Shushed Haneul, “M not downe tolkin' Showon!” Interrupted Haneul as he butchered Soo-won's name.

“what M saying is that, maybe he’s hoidin' the fact that he’s oogly.”

“Mind your manners.”snapped Soo-won back at him, frowning. “And what did you just call me?”

Seeing this was going south, Tae-hyun intervined their yapping.

“Okay, Okay let's all calm down and stop saying random things about people we don't even know”

He continued,

“But, I gotta say, it is quite likely for someone to wear a mask because they don't like how they look. They are maybe just being shy, that's all.”

Seo-yun, who was quiet all this time finally spoke up.

“Okay, everyone i'll go to the toilet quickly, you guys start without me.”

“sure, hyung” Acknowledged Tae-hyun while seeing him leave.

 Sunghee nodded. Haneul was busy fighting with Soo-won that they didn't even notice his absence.

Getting back from the bathroom, he turned at the end of the hall and forgot the way to the room they rented. Suddenly he saw a silhouette pass besides him in a rush. Seo-yun grabbed the silhouette's shoulder abruptly and asked,

“Excuse me, are you a waiter?” 

The moment the person turned around he saw it was a middle aged man to be around 50 years old. Most importantly he looked pissed off by the sudden pull of his shoulder. 

“What do ‘ya want, kid?” The deep frown of that man’s face could be seen meters away and surely, Seo-yun noticed. 

“Ah, sorry. I didn't mean to startle you sir. I thought you were a waiter.”

“Tch.-do you think I look like a poor disgusting person who would work in this rat hole?!”

Seo-yun flinched and started to get annoyed by his behavior.

“Let go of me already you bastard, you’ll get my clothes dirty" Said the man as he slapped away Seo-yun's hand.

Seo-yun hadn't noticed he had been holding him so he flinched at the slap. He didn't know what was more disgusting, talking to him or grabbing his shirt.

“What you lookin’ at you prick?! Get lost” Scram the man.

Seo-yun had enough, his patiente with people like him was limited.

“Sir, can I ask you if you have manners?”

“what?”

“Looks like you don't know how to act like a mature adult. I wasn't one more than 5 years ago but i still have more manners than you. What are you? Six?”

Wearing a mocking expression Seo-yun approached the man slowly. Step by step. The old geezer's face turned colors in seconds. Blue, white and red. The man, furious, shamelessly snapped back at Seo-yun.

“what did you say you damned mutt!?”

Kinda intimidated, out of exasperation; he threw a punch.

Seo-yun did not expect him to throw a punch, but some people, like him, are worse than dogs. They don't play fair, ever. In a fraction of a second, Seo-yun, startled, closed his eyes. Expecting the punch to land on his face. Mostly, because now they could throw hands and he could at least say that the man was who started the whole thing and his career wouldn't be a total disaster in the end. So he stood still awaiting the punch; who did not come. A sudden breeze came, as quick as thunder and stopped the fist mid-air.

It was the mysterious waiter who had delivered their food earlier that evening. He has seized the man's wrist as it was turning purple and red. Seo-yun couldn't see the waiters expression because his back was facing him plus the mask. But he was sure that he was not happy about it. A decent person wouldn't.

Unexpectedly, a calm voice slipped from his mouth beneath the mask.

“mister you can't punch people in this restaurant. I can assure you that if you are hungry for something else we can get it for you. If you try to harm another customer i will call the police for them to deal with you.”

No hesitation. Seo-yun could tell. He was not scared, his hands were as steady as rocks against the ocean waves. He did not budge. By the man's expression Seo-yun could easily notice how terrified that old bastard was. He was as white as a sheet. Or as some may even say, as white as a ghost. The mysterious waiter released the man and said non-chalantly,

“now, if you excuse us”

He took Seo-yun by the wrist and walked away as if nothing had happened earlier. Walking as if he had not a care in the world. Seo-yun wasn't reacting until now. Subconsciously, he let the boy drag him away as he turned to look back at the man. Who was standing still, he had not moved, not even a little since the waiter intervened. Seo-yun was speechless, never in his entire life had he seen this type of scenario. Normally it would always just be in movies. Right now he felt like a princess dragged away by his knight in shining armor.

Thinking about that, he could not shake the feeling of embarrassment in the back of his head. Most importantly his curiosity; who the hell is this guy??