I can't stop crying... I really need a hug but all I can do is hug myself and cry for now...

Sometimes I wonder that the times I cut myself, Will the scars ever disappear. Every time whether i am angry or upset, I cut myself. I don't ever want to hurt people around me, my close ones...

Everyday I try to cover them with fake sleeves (acting to be cool). I can't help it. I feel that everyday my scars tend to sting and grow deeper, it feels like this stinging feeling is growing and feels like it has reached my heart at such a level that I'm again being swallowed by my anxiety. I wish if they would go away...please God Help me...*SOB*SOB*SOB*

I'm actually writing an autobiography on myself....

I don't know where to start from, let's begin from the beginning~

Hey there, I'm Vanellope Wilson, 17, studies in college, female, single AF for now.

I was the only child of my parents, I had my cousins live with me, so, I never felt lonely. But gradually, my uncle's hard work paid off and he started a new business, they had to move out. I became lonely again, then I had young brother (sibling) born when I turned 7. I was extremely happy to have someone with me. But this happiness didn't last more than 7 months, he too left me alone. He left me, doctors said that he had breathing problems, and so couldn't save him. I was a kid back then, no one actually explained to me what was happening, I didn't know why my mum is crying, I didn't know why everyone is dressed in black, I didn't know what a funeral is. When I asked my elder cousin, she said that he is never coming back from the hospital. She started crying again. Then I realized, all I could was cry in the corner of my room, after all I had to take care of my mum and dad. This left a childhood trauma in me; I thought if not home then maybe school. But I was getting bullied, I tried my best to help everyone around me, but I couldn't even gain a true friend. When I entered 4th, my father became the trusty of school. Everyone who had bullied me, laughed at me were now forcefully trying to befriend me. I had no other choice, I transferred to another school, girls' school, I kept a low profile.

When I turned 10, one more sibling was born. But this time, tried no to get myself more involved with him, this time I hated him. I was being selfish. I didn't want to face my trauma again, so, I kept my distance.

Time flew by, I was already in 10th grade, 15, when due to some political wars taking place, government declared one year curfew. it was not that bad, I had my online school, once again my family reunited for a year... I was really happy. I got enough time to reflect on myself. I began building confidence in me.

Although, I still had to give offline exams.  (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

Fortunately, I passed my 10th grade, and had chosen business field for myself. Soon i realized that it was a alme decision. (•ᴗ•,,)

But those 4 months at college gave me courage to make friends. I had in total 3 friends, Daisy, Chim and Ruge.

For the first time, it felt like we'll stay friends forever.... But later our bond stared falling apart and my scores down...

Though, I'll forget those 4 months of my life....

But my Life had just started...I took my major in computer and went to some other college that changed my life...

Guess What? How my first day at college went? It was my first day at new college. My Grandpa had come to drop me off. But he directly came to drop me in my class. There were almost 15 to 20 students in class. I directly went to last bench, alone, of course. My Grandpa saw me and asked me to sit on the first bench, we were arguing. When a student stood at the door and asked my grandpa's permission to enter in the class. The whole class burst out laughing, including me. I was not embarrassed at all; I was actually happy that at least the first day had started with laughter... Till my first lecture stared and Professor Mexch  entered. he saw me sitting on the last bench and dent me to sit on the first bench I did not know anyone around me, it was awkward for me. when class was over, I went to a few girls and asked them about syllabus. When a guy who was friends with them started talking and making jokes, his name was Dash, at first, I was quite weird, of course, my first time having a guy as my friend. It gave me a RED flag but later i learnt that Dash was not a bad guy, plus, we lived nearby. When college was over, I had to take a taxi, but the taxi driver cheated me by charging me 3 time more money. First day was really exhausting.

I used a keypad phone at college and was still happy...

On the fourth day of my college, with the help of Betty, I got my first boyfriend, name Sean. I don't even know why I did that?! At first, I rejected him and said, "You should try to impress me when I complete my studies, somewhat after 5 years from now.", because I had to give more importance to studies. Even Though I had my conditions to be his girlfriend. My conditions were that as long as it didn't affect my studies, I'll be fine. One month had passed. My grades started to fall, I totally ignored him that day, the next day, I offered to break up with him, but his friends were unable to digest that fact. They wanted to fight. I just made a call to my gang. They arrived. It was a whole chilly moment going on, But I just couldn't take it anymore and laughed. Other party got triggered, I called my seniors. They arrived in no time. but Sean wanted to talk alone, So, he just took my hand and cornered me. He had concern in his eyes. he asked, "do you really want to break up? We can have another way to resolv---" I cut him off "I need this breakup to happen, please." He lastly kissed my forehead and forced a bitter smile. He let me go.

My first semester ended~~~

Second sem. started. I also made a boyfriend in 2nd Sem, a senior of mine. Of course, with the help of Betty, and i still liked her as a best friend. Though he was good looking, he was not good for me, I also hurt him. He was Detained for a year 'cause of me. I did regret that. But we broke up because of my behavior, one day a guy(goon) was scolding him for being my boyfriend. I didn't understand. I took him to my gang. But on our way to them, he was getting aggressive, we only dated for 2 weeks. And he tried to hold my hand harshly, he was all over me, somehow I did manage to run away. But it was my fault, so I had to take him to my Gang. They solved that matter. But I never told anyone about it. I still get fear every time I pass by his classroom, afraid of bumping into him.

"It's already time, why isn't he here yet?", it is time to go home, I am waiting for Dash. We go together every day. After lunch break, he skips classes and plays basketball every day. But today, it was already four thirty.

After some time, I see him, waving his hand saying, 'here I come'. I was obviously hungry, & Angry, but he wasn't alone, today, he brought guy with him, same age, but of other major. "Aaron, major in Chemistry ", He introduces himself. I speak. "Vanellope, IT". We shake hands, with other hand he was holding a small gas cylinder. I glance at it, "Project submission has already started, you know", I reply, "okay".

******

I eye sign dash 'why is he here?', he replies, "From now on, he'll be going with us.". I gesture an 'Ooh'.

I ask dash, "You were rejected, right? I'm hungry, your treat, you got rejected dude...", Dash says to Aaron, "Could you just treat her? I return you later.", I glare at Dash, Aaron picks up his bag and gestures me to follow him towards Caterine. And I was fine with it as long as I'm able to kill my hunger, it's fine.

We hang out for almost on month, he was just like me, a best friend I needed every time I was sad, happy, devasted, pathetic, etc. He had a girlfriend, so, I need not worry about him to fall for me. He would treat me like a child.

******

After two months of our new year break, I'm going to meet Aaron at college. I got him a dairy as gift. I don't know if he has any gifts for me or not and I don't care. I just wanted to see my best friend. He gave me a call and opened his bag pack showing me a bottle of alcohol (whisky), my eyes wide open. I patient Lessly waited for our class to over. On our way back, we decided to walk back home which gave us totally 1 hour from home to the destination 'a bus stop' where we might drink, where I was going to have my first drink. He opened the bottle; I could smell how strong the drink in that bottle was. We drank, I drank. We finished the whole bottle.

First, I did not feel anything, just the bitter taste of alcohol going down my mouth to throat and then stomach. But as we took a few steps on our way, my head started feeling heavy, as if some heavy stone was kept on my head I hung my head low hoping that stone to fall off but my head was swigging all around-round-and-round-and-round... That was the best feeling I could feel, I tried my best not to fall. Aaron had drinks before, so, he was steady. We talked about life, tension, sex, regrets, etc... every topic about that can be turned into deep conversations. We promised to drink on 8th of every month with each other. And only when we were around each other. When I reached home, I tried to keep my posture. And directly went to bed.

******

I remember after my breakup with my second boyfriend, one brother of my gang introduced me to Danial, he was my senior, oops, still is. I knew he liked my body more than me. I would only greet him every time we met. He became the president of our college. I still ignored him but would least greet him. He said he wanted to talk to me, and we would talk about random things. He flirted with me, But I as a child I would still give him advice about life. He would talk to me about whom he fought with, whom he beat, how he beat that person, who betrayed him...etc. etc. After a few days, we would catch up some time for each other to hang out. I still thought of Dan as a friend. Even when he tried to get close to me, I avoided him.

Time flew by, i started liking Dan for no reason. i started liking him so hard. He could see that. But now he ignored me. Completely. I was angry, who wouldn't be. After a week, i couldn't see him. Not that he died or something, i asked one of his friends, he said, "He went back at his grandparent's countryside."

********

One month passed, I didn't call or text him, I blocked him from every way I could. He didn't even come at college for this whole month.

It was Monday.

At the gate\, I spotted him\, but this time i totally ignored him. I saw Ann talking to his girlfriend\, he is a playboy. I was rushing towards Ann. I could hear Dan call me\, but I shouted at him\, "If you want to talk come to right now or don't ever try..."\, he was telling me to come over to him\, I ignored. What do you even expect from me? I saw Aaron coming towards me\, i smiled greeting him but he looked sad. I could see that. My smile faded. I grab his arm to side of gate and asked worriedly\, "What happened??"\, He said\, "Getty"\, his girlfriend\, "Broke up with me". I gasp. After a long pause\, he said\, "It doesn't matter\, I got a beautiful yet childish best friend beside me to take care of."\, I told him about Dan\, "Look\, our life isn't over."\, I nod and continue\, "Yet." He said\, "I was overthinking\, and came up with a word that suits us..."\, I wait for him to complete\, "I'll tell you a story\, there was a guy who loved a Girl\, but she broke his heart\, and there was another girl\, who fell for another GUY\, and that guy broke her heart. Now they became BFF and decided to call themselves*\, 'Feeler'.*"\, I snap\, "on which social media platform did you find this shit?"\, He said\, "I was overthinking."

******