Date. Thursday 11 January..

Today was the first day of my school

... I was excited and nervous at the same time..nervous becz I heard from my bsf that my previous school bully's had transferred to my school..I'm mentally strong so if they say something now , I can talk back but there is still a little fear deep inside my heart that..what if ..that I will become a loner again..sitting quietly at the side of the class when everyone else is having fun..that even when someone comes to talk to me ..they will come just to make fun of me . Thinking that is really scary..I don't want go trough that again ..no never..NGL 2023 was such a blessing to my almost dead soul...as if now that I'm writing this with my saking hands ..cuz guess what I'm having the 2nd panic attack of the day probably for the 8th time this week...panic attacks/Anxiety attacks / social anxiety attacks ar know stranger to me since a fairly young age..And I have decided to write about my days hare ...

"To see remember ,and learn, what I can from myself .."

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Hare you have to write A LOT OF WORDS...even if I don't want to..so hare is some gibberish...( printed stuff)

by~ Taylor swift

Fever dream high in the quiet of the night

You know that I caught it

Bad, bad boy

Shiny toy with a price

You know that I bought it

Killing me slow, out the window

I'm always waiting for you to be waiting below

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

What doesn't kill me makes me want you more

And it's new, the shape of your body

It's blue, the feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa, oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool, that's what I tell 'em

No rules in breakable heaven

But ooh, whoa oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

Hang your head low

In the glow of the vending machine

I'm not dying

You say that we'll just screw it up in these trying times

We're not trying

So cut the headlights, summer's a knife

I'm always waiting for you just to cut to the bone

Devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes

And if I bleed, you'll be the last to know

Oh, it's new, the shape of your body

It's blue, the feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa, oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool, that's what I tell 'em

No rules in breakable heaven

But ooh, whoa, oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (oh)

Said, "I'm fine, " but it wasn't true

I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

And I snuck in through the garden gate

Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)

And I screamed for whatever it's worth

"I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

He looks up grinning like a devil

It's new, the shape of your body

It's blue, the feeling I've got

And it's ooh, whoa, oh

It's a cruel summer

It's cool, that's what I tell 'em

No rules, in breakable heaven

But ooh, whoa, oh

It's a cruel summer

With you

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar (oh)

Said, "I'm fine, " but it wasn't true

I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you

And I snuck in through the garden gate

Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)

And I screamed for whatever it's worth

"I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

Date : 14 January, Sunday

Today school is off the day was pretty ordinary..except a few parts..like this may be really small matters to you but they hold great importance to me....you know hare is some suggestions from a random girl..

"Never give hope to someone if in the you are gonna be like I never said that."

" Never make a promise to someone if you even have the slightest doubt that you may not be able to fulfil that promise."

Because you know when give that dying soul that little bit of hope that's what we cling to for survival..that one promise ..that one promise that " I'll be happy again " is my hope ....no matter how small that promise is belive me when that gets broken it really does hurt.. it's hurts alote ..

There were some things I have been looking forward to for a few years now...

I'm really looking forward to it ..planning it all out getting all excited... you know what's the worst part is when all this was happening may parents didn't even say anything If anything they were like "yaa keep hopping keep dreaming everything is gonna happen just the way you dreamde about it " and today they just said that " No Noo we never said that" this isn't the first time you know they are saying something like that like for example..

My Mom and we got into small argument it was mainly about my brother irritating me..then out of nowhere, she said

Mom: I regret giving birth to you!!

My world my thinking everything just stopped right there my mind was like she said lot of things to me .. before like " you jinx !! The way you cry, you're gonna bring misfortune to this family. "

Or "the way you are, I'm pretty sure one day you'll starve to death! " or " When you go to your husband's house, he will throw you out after using you once !!! Then you'll come crawling back to us. " Many, many more. I always justify this by saying to myself that " their my parents they are just disciplining me. "

But today after they again said " we never said that" like everything was A LIE!! I'm just going mad and hallucinating everything!!! .... it just hit me. Yk, a sudden question popped up in my mind... Is this what parental love is supposed to feel like??? Is this how everything is supposed to be?? If it is... then isn't it better to be without our parents?!! Isn't it better to just die?!!!

now don't get me wrong I'm great full to god and my parents , to my parents for giving birth to me , giving me a home to live in, giving food and clothes....which ik lot of people don't have the privilege to have.....but in the I have just one question....is this how love.. parental love is supposed to feel like???

I don't have the energy to write more.....