Sitting on that same plastic chair available in that room, I couldn't stop thinking about how his curly hairs would bounce each time he bowed to write. He looked so focused on his work... I knew I had to follow and submit my classwork,, but his eyes were as deep as the Pacific Ocean… They were brown however and even if I'm not a big fan of food, I couldn't help but think about brownies.

I cannot tell when did the class end,, but I couldn't care less. All I was thinking about was those silky hairs and those eyes. The same ones I would dive into, each time I took a glimpse of him.

That night I fell asleep thinking about him. Wasting my time thinking about someone who probably didn't know I exist. What a great way to spend your time right?

Anyway, now that I think about it all, I wish nothing else. Of course, I would have preferred if things turned otherwise,, but I guess at some point, you don't always get to choose, and I couldn't change the truth….

...….................

......................

......................

We met in tuition. That same class I was talking about earlier. He is one year older.

His name?

Hmm... let's put it smile... it's kinda similar with his real name lol...

He is good-looking.

It may sound pretentious but all my exes were pretty fine lol.

To sum up things:

He wasn't tall… AT ALL.

I was taller

He looked cute. He would act all badass in front of others but with me he was being all lovey dovey.

I must admit, he is good at acting.

I wonder how many hearts he already had broken and how many he cracked after mine.

His damn hair. They were heavenly. I still feel them between my fingers.

Let's forget about his looks and focus on his words.

I was naive and lacked attention. After having been left unattended for so many years I was craving for something and someone like his.

Well…. Little did I know that this bed of roses he'd made for me, this damn illusion, this deadly trap I'd fallen into would slowly but surely kill me so deep that I would end up regretting my whole existence.

Now let me talk about something else

My life was kind of messed up

A LOT

I made mistakes but didn't learn from them.

This time I'll make sure I do. TBH I hate this concept we, humans have of always trying to survive...

Why do we need to make so much effort?

Happiness can be acquired through small things... Why search for more? Take me to how it was before. I'm convinced I would have been happier. Anyways I'm trying my best but honestly what is 'best'?

Can I attain what they want me to attain?

Will I fail?

I can't tell yet...

Are you fine?

Well... I was craving....

CRAVING for attention

For love

For sweet words

Guess what, I discovered everyone once craved for this. They crave so much that in the end they only end up regretting everything... What a strange cycle right?

This is how you end up feeling when you felt like that and get even a bit of what you craved for:

I feel so lonely

It's all gloomy

My head spinning

This world dancing

People come and go

The beat to and fro

I feel so lonely

I need company

I like the light

I like the sight

The wind blowing

The birds chirping

This world is nothing without you

I feel so lonely

Where did you go?

Was it all just for show?

I ain't staying

I am coming

Cus I feel so lonely

And am yours only

And you end up craving more...

Well when they are gone you feel blue and your sky turns grey….

My blue sky is turning grey

My blue sky in the month of may

My blue sky that I love so dear

My blue sky in my crystal sphere

My blue sky is sad today

My blue sky doesn't want to play

My blue sky fading away

My blue sky made of clay

My blue sky in the darkest place

My blue sky light to my space

My blue sky stays all fair

My blue sky of truth and dare

My blue stays alright

My blue sky all day night

My blue sky for you I stay

My blue sky for me you slay

My blue sky with bright sunlight

My blue sky with all the might

My blue sky I lost a day

My blue sky was my ray

My blue sky I always remember

My blue sky even in December

My blue sky in my mind

My blue sky hard to find

My blue sky turning grey

My blue sky in the month of may

well it was not in May, but I wish it was.. I could have gotten rid of him earlier...

Anyways...

It was going great? I mean that's what I thought, we would cuddle in the Taxi, secretly. It was fun. It felt right... At least I felt right...

He would text me all day when he was free. I would do the same. I would desperately wait for him to reply and when we didn't, it would affect my whole mood...

What a fool I was… Haha.

How I wished that I would turn out being smart for once...

What was I thinking?

well dear friend I'm happy for the memories but was it worth the scars it left indelible?

I do not think so...

The most beautiful scenery can hide the deadliest traps. Beware of what you do. Your next move may be your last. I had difficulties breathing when I fell in mine but I didn't bother to investigate about it. What a grave mistake...

What do you expect from me lol? I was so happy in his company that I kind of forgot everyone around. I forgot I had a life...

I don't regret though because the life I had was another story. I have depression and I know it very well. Not only that, but I almost lost life trying to deal with it. Furthermore, I had many people who entered my life and also left in a snap.

I would want each one of them to contact me just so I can thank them all, one by one...

Things don't really go how you plan, and it's always the other way around in my place.

The person I'm most grateful to this year is the person who made me cry the most... Actually I'm the kind of person who gets easily attached to someone who I feel safe with... When I entered this new school I felt something I had never felt before... ANXIETY... I have had many times of my life when I had social anxiety, but this one was just HORRIBLE.

I had panic attacks and nightmares. I couldn't eat, and I still can't lol but in summary it's like living in hell.

So this is when my savior enters... To not make it personal he basically was my first friend, crush, love and BROTHER OF THE YEAR... It's weird like this, but I don't want to mention him here so let's just move on.

Oh! And yes not to forget, I cried a LOT when we parted away lol. I think it was needed. It helped a lot. I realized I didn't mean anything to him, so I

just moved on. (pretty quickly)

Then the new drama started... I had refused a guy's confession previously in the same month,, so basically we got together, but he was toxic AF so I basically got 2 shots in the same month...

Anyway with that I had one boy left... TBH he is the only one still trying to get me to love him, but I'm not doing that!

He is now my friend, and it will remain like that forever and ever.

So...

Remember my toxic boyfriend? Well he knew smile... And he told me before we break up to get with him and I did duh...

I got with smile, and it's a spoiler, but he was the one who confessed...

Now that I see it from this point of view I never confessed lol...

But it was true that I kinda had some crushes and except my friend who I had refused to they all confessed and are now considered as my exes... weird.

I have only one thing to say the next chapter will be the center of the story so don't miss it!

I hope you had a great Christmas. Love you.

Bye and take care of yourself and don't die!