Love,

It's almost a month now. I still don't know where to start. I'm still lost. My mind wouldn't believe that we're over — it still reminisces the times we were laughing, cuddling, throwing corny jokes and watching movies.

I can still vividly see your bright smile as your eyes become invisible. Your deep voice echoes in my head and even the change in pitch still makes me smile.

I miss you.

Your long limbs give warmth and comfort whenever you hug me from behind. Butterflies begin to fill my stomach as you whisper to me. Ticklish, that sensation I feel with every caress of your hand.

I miss it.

Sing for me as you usually do. Send me voice messages because I badly want to hear it. Send me pictures of you with that beaming smile that you always wear — that same contagious smile.

I want to watch your silly videos. Can you try another "transformation video" as you put your makeup on? Don't forget the wig, okay?

Then strike me a pose that can send me laughing again.

Damn. I miss you.

Will I ever have another chance to taste the foods you cook? Can I even visit you again?

I don't know if I'm still welcome in your house. But your family said that I can still come. Do they really like me that much?

Now, I feel guilty.

When will I feel your lips on mine again? Is that ever going to happen? I wish. How I wish.

I long for your smell, no one smells like you. It's weird though. Why does it feel like you're still with me? I want you beside me. Is that possible?

Am I allowed to be selfish? I want to, this time. I want to keep you with me forever as I promised. I miss sending you messages first thing in the morning. Even though I haven't brushed my teeth yet, I would be smiling from ear to ear just to see a message from you.

I still want to give you 'good nights' before I fall asleep. 'Sweet dreams', 'sleep tight', those lines I still want to tell you. I hope you're still praying before you go to sleep. You know what? You are always in my prayer. I want you to be healthy, strong and happy.

Please take care of yourself, okay? You easily get sick so don't overwork. I'm no longer beside you to buy you medicines and fruits. Thankfully, you're still with your family. They can look after you. Although I'm not physically with you, know that I'm always here. You are always in my mind and still the owner of my heart.

I want to talk to you but I don't think you would agree. You'll probably just walk away and ignore me.

It hurts. It's killing me.

When will this end?

Still yours,

Aggie.

Love,

I spent another day outside. I went to the mall with my sister. We bought a new phone using my credit card. Her phone's no longer functioning well after Papa threw it out the window because of anger. Well, now it's obvious to whom did I get this anger issues from.

So, yeah. I went to the mall with my younger sister not only for that. I also wanted to unwind. These past few days still feel heavy. I'm constantly reminding myself that everything's going to be okay soon enough. But when? How soon is it?

You know what? Every day, I would exhaust myself just so I can have a deep sleep at night. I would do all chores, cook meals, wash the dishes, clean the house and all the other things I could do. I pray every time you cross my mind. I still find myself whispering your name out of nowhere.

I thought this would be for a short while. Never expected such pain to kill me slowly in every second.

Earlier, I was so energetic. I wanted to step out of the house again because a minute of silence would bring me to tears like it was scheduled. Lately, I'm trying to distract myself. I've been doing TikTok videos to kill the boredom. Even though I'm not into socializing, I started to be drowned in every social media platform. There is this part of me who thinks that by doing so, your image will be swept away from my head. I got you blocked everywhere, right?

I blocked you on Facebook, Instagram, and Telegram. I unfollowed you on TikTok and blocked your phone number as well. I didn't want to do it but realized that I need to. I need it for my peace of mind. For some reason, I can't stand seeing you smile in your stories. It feels as though you are so happy without me. It pains me to see you smile, and I'm no longer the reason for it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not mad at you. I have all the reasons to be, but I can't bring myself to hate you. There are times when I want to curse you, slap you, punch you in the face and tell you how much you're hurting me. I want to do those so bad. I want to yell at you while enumerating all the wrong things you did to me.

But...

Despite all these, I just want to hug you. Kiss you again. Tell you I'm sorry for all the wrong things I've done. I'm sorry for hurting you as well. I'm mad at myself for making you cry. I can't bring myself to hate you because you had your fair share of heartache. I did you wrong. I was very impulsive back then.

We were both lacking.

But why?

How can you do that to me? Did you really love me? Please tell me it was genuine.

Still loving you,

Aggie

Love,

Today I went out with my friend Kian. We've known each other for 9 years. I suddenly feel old.

Actually, we were classmates in Grade 7 and 8 and eventually became friends. The other years we spent separately since I was transferred to a lower section when we reached the 9th grade. It's because I didn't listen to our homeroom teacher. I didn't like her attitude towards her students. She would get in a bad mood for no reason and would shout at us. I can still remember how she flipped the teacher's table while preaching. There was even a time when we walked past her. Honestly, Kian and I didn't see her because both of us have poor eyesight. Then, she suddenly walked toward our direction and pointed her finger. "You don't know how to greet your teacher? Students nowadays lack respect!" she exclaimed and walked away.

HAHAHA! I still find it funny in a way. Seriously though, we really didn't see her. But yeah, because of that she gave me a failing grade which caused me to be transferred to a lower section. I was kind of disappointed, but you know me, I'm not a people pleaser. I would rather have people think badly of me than to act all nice. Let them think whatever they want. It's their opinion anyway. Well, at least that's my mindset before.

Until you came into my life.

Kian and I spent the day talking about our lives. We tried to catch up with the latest happenings about each other. She was so curious to know what happened to us, but she said she kept her mouth shut out of respect. And because of that I feel thankful for having her.

Obviously, I talked about you. No, I didn't do it to tarnish your image. I did it for her to somehow understand why I feel so lost. I don't even know what to say or how to explain it. So, I had to tell her from the very beginning.

As we waited in line for her to withdraw cash from the ATM, I began to tell her our story.

Smiling from ear to ear again, I try to recall the first time I saw you in Zoom. It was during our class, but you caught my attention. That huge smile, which somehow shines through the screen of my phone, got my eyes stuck on you. I thought that was it, but you continuously draw my attention. Until one day I just realized that I've been waiting for you to turn on your camera, so I can pin your video on my screen and watch your every reaction instead of listening to the lesson.

You're such a cutie patootie!

Maybe that's when it all started? Then, my friend, Mae, the class secretary as well, invited us to join a meeting. It wasn't a serious meeting, just a friendly one. Of course, I joined and when we were talking about you, you suddenly jumped in to the meeting. With your wide smile, messy hair and a guitar, you greeted us "Hi!". I immediately turned off my camera because I felt shy for some reason. You started singing but I couldn't quite recall which song was that. All I focused on was the smile plastered on your face all throughout that short performance.

Can I write more letters about this day?

Hopeless romantic,

Aggie