...If you are asking me why I created such a stupid novel like this in the first place.. I tell you. This is kinda stupid.. I don't like reading novels that much, it's trouble some. But I kinda envied who created a novel and got a brilliant idea.. Plot twist whatever it is. It's true, I'm jealous of them.. Kinda yeah. This is also my first time writing such a stupid novel thing like that. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate it.. I love it and I'm kinda lost. As you can see, this novel's title is "MY DIARY". So that's mean, I just casually write down what I want to say like I write in the diary. It's a bother to buy too many books for such a stupid diary.. So I'm gonna tell you everything that has been bothering me for the past I have been living so far. Don't mind my English or lack of vocabulary, because I didn't give a damn about it....

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This diary is about a girl who wants to survive but doesn't know who she survives for. Why bother to survive something as we call "WORLD" for no one? If you say, we have to survive for our own self.. That bullsh*t. Many people have suffered because of loneliness, and what do you think? Why they make such a big deal of it? You know, feeling lonely is the same as we feel like dying alone.. It's worse than death. Just admit it.. If I'm in the situation.. I'd rather die than be alone. it's frustrating.. HAHAHAHAHA.. Don't you think this is rather funny no matter how you think about it? Just admit that this world is not fair... If you are asking for a cure, I don't know myself. I have always been like this, except for the fact lying to myself.. Accept whatever you got for this called life.. You lose, you are unlucky.. Those stupid damn things are running through my head.. All over, it's driving me crazy. Think about it, "DO YOU DESERVE THIS?". If I'm asking myself the same question, my answer would be "yes".

......................

...*conversations between my heart and my brain*...

My heart : i'm feeling kinda empty lately

My brain : is that my problem?

My heart : not really, you know.. I don't know who I want to talk with if it is not you.

My brain : don't bother, don't make it such a big deal. Talking with you only causes Ovt (overthinking)

My heart : I'm sorry.

My brain : .....

My heart : I want to die *crying*

My brain : what happens to the human if you do? Will she feel no emotion

My heart : I feel bad, that I want to die so badly.

My brain : it's no use. It will be the same no matter what. Your feelings, that we call "emotions" are like a black rose who played with human feelings.

My heart : I want to get rid of it!

My brain : you can't

No Matter what you do.. Emotions are not the ones to be blamed. You are no diff, you are clumsy, useless.. That you Create your mess with your own actions. Why blame on heart or emotions? can't you understand? You are the one to be blamed.

bye for good..

Oh yeah, hi readers.. I know no one wants to read this. So I just let it be. This is stupid novel after all.

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...Now the topic is about what's the point of having friends....

Friends are important.. Everyone wants to have as many friends as possible. But don't you ever think that having many friends is a pain in the ***?

Think about it..if you have many friends, you don't feel lonely anymore.. you get to hang out every day.. Many good memories.. But what about the bad things?

..."GET BETRAYED, GET STABBED FROM BEHIND, TALKING BAD, MANIPULATE, USING PEOPLE."...

This is stupid, everything is stupid. This damn world.

...----------------...

...My conversation between my heart and my brain...

My brain : I hate this world

My heart : why?

My brain : this world isn't fair at all!

My heart : what do you mean? Don't you see, many people are happy to be living in this world? Having friends at school, getting to know many people.

My brain : what about it? If I have many friends, I have to pretend to be someone else in front of them to make them feel satisfied. And I hate it. They will complain every time I act like myself. They will say...

"You don't act like before"

My heart : that's not true

My brain : it's true. You can't blame me if I already hate this world.. Humans in this world are selfish. I am no exception... I'm the same that makes things hard.

My heart : not everyone likes that, you can't blame everything on this world, and what's the point of humans? They act diff way, there are people who love the way you are, there are people who don't know who you truly are. Just give it some more positive thought. No one is perfect.

"You are just scared, you are just a Coward who blames everything."

My brain : don't act like you know me! You are weak! Too kind for everything! You forgive everyone that talks bad about you every Single day and just say "it's ok" every time. I'm trying to protect you, and you defend them more than you defend me?! It is my duty to protect you and tell you the truth-

My heart : you are wrong. I'm not weak, but I'm not strong either. You are right, I forgive them even tho I sometimes get hurt by my friend's actions towards me. I'm feeling very disappointed towards them, but that doesn't mean I have my right to get angry at them or yell at them. It is also my duty to make things as simple and positive as possible. I don't want bcs of me you start to OVT. I protect you from evil though.

"Don't suffer alone. You must know that I'm always here for you. I'll tell you in case you already forgot."

My brain : you are right. I'm scared.. Why I'm feeling more scared than you? You have suffered enough trying to hold back your tears and here I am making everything worse for you. I thought this would be the best for you, I thought having a friend would be a bad thing. I always thought..

"don't trust them"

"they are just using you"

"they forgot about you"

"they didn't care about you"

"don't get your hopes up"

I'm scared to the point I hate having friends. I'm scared of getting hurt and feeling betrayed.

What the heck am I doing? I don't have anything better to do. Since this novel I'm the only one who read, then I think it's fine if I confess my feelings.

First of all. I love someone who I absolutely hate. Like you know, he is very annoying even tho I never communicate with him. He is very good with a girl and that's the reason I hate him. I want to live peacefully, but I can't stop thinking about him so much. So cringe.💀

Anyway, what i want to say is. I like him.

I'm stupid, so stupid.. ARGHHH!! *feeling embarrassed*.

*feeling disgusted again*.

*sigh* I have a good life but everything seems like a dream. I hate this feeling. I don't want to deny my feelings but but.. What should I do.. 😮‍💨

Ok let's stop here.. Next topic.

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...My conversation between my heart and my brain...

My heart: isn't that man handsome?!

My brain: disgusting

My heart : give him a chance will you? and it's not disgusting. Seriously!

My brain: couple, break up. Couple, break up. That routine is for everyone when they couple. And it is such a waste of tears when one day that man is cheating or saying another girl is more beautiful. bullsh*t.

My heart: you are not wrong but..

My brain: but what?.. Since when you like that man anyway? so disgusting.

My heart: can you stop that?!

My brain: no. Don't waste your emotions on someone else.

My heart: *sigh*

My brain: not all pretty boys are green flags you know.

My heart: I know that!

...----------------...

Actually, I'm a very simple person. I fell in love pretty easily but got bored pretty easily too. I'm being honest, I am a red flag girl but at the same time I'm a green flag too. I can be cute but I can be rude too. I'm not hundred percent honest. I like to lie, or tease someone with a dumb lie. i can be really mean and I'm a short temper person too. I almost make everyone my enemy.

for me, I don't really care bcs I need to get used to it since this is how my personality is. I will survive in this world if I just keep everything cool.

I'm really jealous of people who know their own potential. I feel like I'm so useless with no talent in my life.*"What am I supposed to do?, what should I do?"*. It really hurts when I feel like I'm such a burden.

Am I a burden?

Am I useless?

Or is this some kind of punishment from my past life? *laugh* what an idiot. It's such nonsense if I believe such a thing. I hope I get an answer. I hope I have people to listen to my story. I don't want to go to a mental hospital. *laugh* let's just say, *I'm just lonely*.